Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@user1486131602 I am glad you seen the doctor and got a referral. I know what you mean, it's difficult to put the focus back on yourself when, actually, in a practical sense that's almost impossible.

I too have been trying to practise self care, doing something for me etc... Do you know what? After all these years I do not know what that looks like. How can I "put my own needs first for once" if I do not even have the slightest idea what my needs are!?
When I realised that, I found it incredibly sad to be honest I know what everyone else's needs are (at least I think I do, but that is also part of the problem ) and not my own. I think this will take some re-learning.... On the plus side, it's something that is worth dedicating energy too, I know if I take little steps I'll find me again - much more worthwhile than the black hole of my marriage that I've been pointlessly wasting energy on for years.

I've found my friendship group has really exploded since I joined a local community running group. They aren't friends that I would go to for support as such (well not yet anyway), but there are a few I chat with more as time goes on. Are there any activities that you enjoy that perhaps could help you to make a few more friends and also it would be something for you, that you are committed to at certain times?

@DishingOutDone 🤗🤗🤗 I remember that feeling well. Just as you are becoming firm in your mind, they change, they suddenly start to behave like you always hoped they would. I swear my H has a sixth sense. Over the years, each time I've reached a point where I am seriously about to lose my shit... FLICK... He switches on his nice guy mode and leaves me questioning my own sanity - did I imagine it? Perhaps it's not that bad after all? Which was is up again, I've lost sight of it? Perhaps the sky is orange just like he says, after all, I have surely imagined that bad behaviour... Etc etc.. I lost the ability to trust my own feelings and that meant I was kept exactly where he wanted me to be. This doesn't happen anymore thankfully.
Have you done the freedom programme? I did the online version and found that very validating. It helped me to see that even the "good guy" mode wasn't exactly all that!! My H is full of charisma and sometimes, even now, we can chat like old friends. Still would not trust him with my future though. No chance.

Thank you RoseMartha: a prescription and a chat! Didn’t help much but it just rammed home that I will have to everything for myself by myself! No change there!

Tiddleypops:
We as women, have to wear so many ‘hats’ throughout our lifetimes, that when it’s our turn to do for ourselves we’ve forgotten how! I can’t run as I have medical issues, however, your advice did bring to mind someone I know that runs some activity groups, I could volunteer there!
I am still 100% sure this is the right thing to do, but, without bearing my soul! This is the end of a very long line! Things are still not settled, I have to wait for my kids exam results to see if they get into the course/college/uni they want, divorce, house, financials and am finding the uncertainty difficult to say the least.
On a bright note I have received a copy of the papers submitted to the divorce court this morning. So, slowly but surely!!
I have a massive urge to redecorate, not to obliterate him, but to make (particularly the bedroom) Mine. Also, I have a little voice shouting not to waste the money in case the house is to be sold!?

I guess this is just one of those “no decision is a decision “ times.
Love 💕 and hugs to all struggling ladies out there!

@user1486131602 hugs to you. You are having a tough time. You are doing really well. One day at a time and all that

I'm feeling very resentful and angry this week. Nothing specific, just lots of little things all building up. His drinking, him promising to pay for something, not doing, then acting all stroppy when I have to prompt him about it, the fact he has paid nothing towards the bills this month, the fact that he is still breathing () etc etc.
I didn't sleep a wink last night, my head would not stop.

I have decided to take DS away for the weekend. It took some courage to tell H about it, but I did it. So at least there will be 36 hours of respite.

@Tiddleypops 🤗🤗🤗
Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Urgh! So many things you wrote in the last three posts could have been written by me about my h.
We had a few days of him behaving like a reasonable human being and me thinking this is ok. Maybe its my imagination? Maybe it will be better when he goes? He then spieled off a lot of crap, which I listened to but did not believe for one second. My trust in him has gone.

I also need to re learn to do things just for my needs and not everyone elses. It gets lost in trying to keep h from losing the plot over minor issues.

Last couple of days have been horrendous, he is mega snappy and touchy. I made a perfectly reasonable suggestion which was helping him and he accused me of trying to get him to leave!!! Today he lost plot with kids. Was verbally abusive to them. He is not talking to them, they did initially keep talking to him but when it was clear he was ignoring them, they ignored him. Its been awful!!!
I just know he should be going in next couple of days. That is what is keeping me going.

He has promised to pay maintenance without intervention but will not commit to a date to start it. Without it I cant buy food! I am going to give it a day or so before I ask him, as pointless when he is in foul mood. I also think will have to do it via the cms. I will just have to aak my parents to help in meantime.

Also had massive solicitors bill which has not helped my money situation. Overall it is more than double the amount I was originally quoted!

Sorry for back to back post but I need to vent.

So H has left. Do I feel elation? Joy? Relief?

No I dont. Although there is a sense of peace.

And the reasons for this are that he has left most of his possessions that he assured me he would be taking. He refuses to give up the key. And although promised to pay maintenance will not tell me how much it is or when he is setting it up.

This is leaving me feeling anxious and worried and unsettled. And that he still has control over us. 🙄😕

Plus kids are still cross and upset with him after his behaviour the other day.

RoseMartha
I’m so pleased that he has gone. I totally understand your feelings. There is no relief at first. Just less drama. Take that, it’s no small victory. Vent all you like! Just take the weekend for you, you kids and your mind. Put aside what worries you can and go to the park, or just sit in the garden with a cup of tea. He’s gone!
Do you have a garage? A shed? Some spare room in the loft? I found that removing him/his things from the bedroom gave me some splice and a place where he is not!
Mine has keys too. Joint mortgage. When you are in leave key in door, he will have to knock for access.
I’m sure you know when he gets paid, wait until then if no arrangement or payment go to the CMS, don’t wait it can’t be backdated! Go here to calculate what he should pay you. Gov.org child maintenance, it also tells what and how to claim benefits.
The journey will still be hard, but different and from today everything is for you and your kids alone.
Sending love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Huge hugs @RoseMartha. I get that, how you feel. He's gone, but not really gone. He can return at any time, has left you worrying about money and hasn't taken his things.

I agree with @DishingOutDone, if there is somewhere you can put his stuff, that could well make you feel a bit better. I spent a weekend sorting out a load of junk that had been stuffed in DS room the other week and separating our camping things out. I felt a bit more cleansed if you see what I mean, it was a bit of physical detachment of things and small spaces, and at least that's something.
I hope he sorts out the child maintenance ASAP, that is seriously not on. I'm sure he justifies it to himself somehow. They are all so self centred that justifying being complete cockwombles comes easily to them

Take your time. You did it. You got you and DC to here. I think you'll see a dramatic change in them quite quickly. Let them pull you along a bit

I'm feeling guilty today. I've left H at home wallowing in self pity and loneliness and probably beer. Me and DS are spending a weekend with family. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it is difficult sometimes to undo old habits.

Tiddleypops
No need to feel guilty at all. You are not making him stay in wallowing and drinking are you? His actions, his consequences!
Enjoy your break and think about yourself!

Mines been to today to collect more stuff, but was at least 1/2 decent! Thank god for that my MH couldn’t take too much more.

One day at a time ladies. We are doing it we are getting there.
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Sorry ladies
Just needing a bit of support, can’t stop crying.
Why is the only person who could comfort you is the one causing the pain? I am really loosing the plot.
In bed crying again, collected my daughter crying. I’m just so sad.
😢😭🥺😭

Oh @user1486131602 have a big hug from me 🤗🤗🤗 I wish I knew what to say that might make you feel better
Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn, I think you are at that point now. You're grieving, but unlike when someone dies, you don't get to share that grief with other people really, and there's not yet been a definitive end point that you can start to move on from. I think this living grief can be so much more lonely and torturous I really do.
Is there something you can do today, just for you, that requires little effort? Like go and sit in a coffee shop or the park and put down your phone and just watch the world go by?
Please be gentle with yourself. If your friend was going through something like this, what would you do for that friend? What would you tell them to do? Whatever it is, do that, treat yourself how you would treat a good friend who was in pain. You are absolutely worth it

Thank you tiddleypops
I have been into the town centre with my daughter to buy her boyfriend 16, a birthday present. Home now, and I’m utterly exhausted! Going to lie on my bed in the sun and read quietly. I don’t suppose I’d have been so sad, by STBXH has been backom sat and sun this week, I’m able to cope, our rather, just keep going if I don’t see him. It’s so hard as I have no hatred for him and to loose your other half after nearly 30 (in total) years is really unsettling.
My light at the end of the tunnel is that he has said he will sign the divorce papers so I could be divorced by the month end.

I’m going to allow myself to be up and down until the nisi arrives, then no more tears and to only look forward. Even feeling so sad, I don’t want to stop the divorce, I know it’s the right thing just didn’t think I would be so sad!
I hope your break was good and that being home is not so hard.
I will have a talk to myself and will post again later I the week!
Love 💕 and 🤗

Yes, I think it's easier if you can hate them! I go through phases if resentment for sure. I'm feeling sorry for him at the moment and quite worried about him really. I think when it's all over I'll feel sad, but that all over point just seems to slip further away into the future (and then resentment kicks in again 😂). I'm tired

Weekend everybody, how are things?

I had a huge wobble earlier in the week when youngest DD (16) asked if we could stay together till she finishes year 13 - can't blame her for asking. And she and H were getting on well. I said it wouldn't be her decision but I would take it into account and that it would have to be up to us as we are the adults. I was trying not to put responsibility on her. She was telling me how scared she is of H wanting her to "look after" him - yes, I share that fear - been on my mind for years. He has no real family and has alienated his friends so any attempt at a relationship from our daughters he will seize upon as a lifeline; not to enjoy time together but for him to use them as a practical and emotional crutch. We'll never be rid of him.

Anyway, I digress. So I'd looked up the finances, I've crunched the numbers till they bleed and if we split and he has to rent then I will be left with just over £400 a month for me and DD16 (other dd at uni) for food and clothes, fares etc. He'd have around £300. I cant take any more from him as he wouldn't be able to afford a 1 bed rental otherwise. Then there's the issue with his pension; apparently his type of pension is so difficult to "split" that I would be advised to take a larger share of the equity. That would give me cash in the bank and I can afford the mortgage/rent on a shared ownership place (lots round here) but would mean he would be at a huge disadvantage in buying as he is semi retired and I am younger so can still get a mortgage if that makes sense.

So faced with all this worry on top of what exists I started trying to find a way not to go ahead with it all, or to modify my plans. I began to think maybe he could just move into our large room downstairs, take it over as a sort of "bedsit". Then a couple of nights ago he lost it completely and reverted to type, 1am shouting at me as I wanted to have the window open in the bedroom, then the next morning was saying over and over again "why do you treat me like this, what have I done to deserve it". Because I wanted the window open.

Anyway, softly softly as they say. Today I am tackling him about money and hoping we can get separate bank accounts. We've built up debt on credit cards and we need to swop that for a loan; also I think separate accounts would help us both keep track of spending and of course (not revealing this today) help us to split up.

Older DD said to me look he clearly hates you so surely he would welcome a divorce? I just can't put into words why he won't. He wants me to be here to be his excuse, his verbal punchbag, his secretary - I am literally everything to him, but not in a good way.

DishingOutDone
Things just seem to take over dont they?!
I have had a major wobble too, resulting in visit to psychiatrist! Why did I let it get to me this bad?! Anyway he is the one who should have had help. So that’s not happening again, not to me!!
I understand DD fears, but isn’t it funny how even they as children, can see their father ‘needs looking after ‘. I don’t believe they think that of us! We just cope.
Please try and detach yourself little by little from your DH wants and needs. Deal only in what you need, how to make that happen. While the kids are still in education you can have benefits as well. Look not that it will help financially.
I’m off out tonite for the 1st time since Xmas, just a drink in the pub....but we all have to start somewhere.....
Sending love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Sending out lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗despite difficult times you are all doing amazingly well. Hope that tomorrow will be better.

Kids been obnoxious this week. Trigger was h being late to see them beginning of the week. Where he did not apologise and got angry with them because they were cross with him. So I got brunt of kids frustration. They were horrid to me. I was constantly in tears. Which they then told me made them happy.

They did not want to see h later in week when he popped round and ignored him most the time which was awkward.

He was also abusive to me via texting.🙄

kids kicked up fuss about spending today with h. The 'day' lasted about six hours before he asked me to collect them as they had had enough. They being the kids but I suspect he meant himself too.
He borrowed £20 that I had borrowed for myself from my parents to get something urgent.

And i am still waiting on maintenance payment. I will be chasing him mid week after he gets paid.

On plus side kids were much nicer to me after spending all day with dad, and they told me they just needed to be home with me and not h.

Have not tackled his stuff issue yet but he said he is getting more furniture so i am hoping when he has it stuff will begin to go.

Oh RoseMartha
Why would you lend him anything?

My dd is still treating me like that, I know it’s because she’s hurt and upset, but with everything else I just folded! I am so glad both you and yours can now see that you are better for them than their dad. And that they are hitting out at the nearest Pearson, doesn’t make it easier, but at least you know they are hitting out at you because of how they feel, and don’t mean it. Things will get better.
If he has t paid you maintenance yet, or doesn’t intend to this, you need to go to CSA they cannot backdate any claim, so get right on it.
Will he give you back that urgent £20?
How are things with your parents, I hope they are trying to manage more themselves?
Just keep the texts, hard as it is ( mine still doing it also), try to think of it this way.....the more he puts on there the easier it is going to be to prove your case, you’re just letting him Hang himself!
We all need to appreciate how far we have come.
Be good to yourself. Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Not having the greatest weekend. STBXH jokingly called me "the uncoolest cunt ever" yesterday in front of my DC 😱

@RoseMartha does he not realise you needed that money? I hope you get it back. Why are all the ex'S such utter shitbags??? Glad you managed to have a lovely day with your DC

@user1486131602 so sorry to hear you had a wobble but actually glad that you went to see somebody and hope it helped. Life is so tough some times sending hugs 🤗

How was your (very well deserved and long overdue) night out?

Clpsmum
I had those ‘jokes’ for years! They are not!! Diary them. And actually since the idiots are usually projecting, that makes him the uncoolest c&nt ever, especially as he did it in front of your dc!
The are as they are because they have been enabled, by us too.

Thank you for your support.
Just had a few unicorn gins (magic!) and a chat.
I felt a little odd, even tho I was just going with a friend and was in NO way even interested in the men there. Felt like I was going out and shouldn’t be, if that makes any sense at all!
Anyway, had a nice night! Thx

Glad you got out user - what's a unicorn gin?!

@clpsmum - do you think he has MH issues or just a twat?

@user1486131602 what is unicorn gin? I'm intrigued by this as a fellow gin lover!

Yes he's definitely projecting and I've definitely enabled him to treat me this way. My jaw almost hit the floor when I said it and today he denied it! Vile man. Do you ever sit back and think what the actual fuck was I thinking???

Get some more nights out planned, let your hair down and enjoy yourself you deserve it

@DishingOutDone I think he is just a massive entitled twat tbh but am started to wonder about the mh issues. He actually denied saying it and two of my children both said yes you did dad! He said I must've been joking. Great joke teaching the kids it's funny to disrespect me! I gave up work when we split to look after my disabled son and deal with my own anxiety last week he told me I was a benefit scrounger who had this planned all along and got exactly what I want! Living in a country with no family whatsoever and few friends, on benefits and a single mum, always my dream in life!!!! Can't believe I ever entertained him let alone marry him tbh