Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Thank you Tiddleypops I think you are right, I am getting in a real mess. I am going to call someone tomorrow, H is out most of Wednesday I can use the free telephone service on my health insurance its been good before.

Glad to hear it @DishingOutDone.
I do think it's so easy to dismiss our own needs, especially when you have your daughter going through such a difficult time too.
I know for me, my H thinks the world revolves around him, and somewhere along the way I've bought into this too and forgot I even existed. It came as quite a surprise to find that I am a human being too and that it's ok to not put myself at the bottom of the pile all the time! I still have trouble believing it, but getting there

@Tiddleypops and @DishingOutDone
It is so easy to put ourselves last isnt it? I constantly do it.

Funny how h's are the same with the YouTube thing.

Glad you had good weekend tiddley.

Good luck with your phone call dishing.

Tiddleypops:
thank you, but strength has nothing to do with it, if there’s no other choice! Please remember your own needs. Hope it calmer for you.
RoseMartha:
Mine was the same with DC, football, gym, music, anything before them. The web is a wonderful thing, set up weekly or fortnightly deliveries and free up some time for yourself!
DishingOutDone: I hope you had the time to make that call!

I have been really low the last few days.
The solicitor called STBXH has finally got a lawyer!
Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary and I’m so sad 😭 to realise that all the 0lans and dreams we had will never be realised, I’m being sentimental I know, but it still hurts.
My best friend is my personal hero, she only got home from hols at midnight but is having me over for food and chat......love can be found in the unusual places ❤️ And thank god for that!

Evening all. I spoke to the National Domestic Violence helpline yesterday also a counsellor, both ladies were lovely, and both seem to think that trying to get STBExH out is going to be dangerous. Just to recap, he is emotionally abusive not physical. They've recommended I talk to Women's Aid. I also spoke to the office of the solicitor who originally told me to go for an occupation order; they are very kind and the solicitor said I can see her again for the original fixed fee for an hour.

The counsellor said to me that living like this is damaging my health, we talked about adrenaline flooding through me all day every day - this is why I feel sick when I get up each day and H insists on sitting in the room where I work, I am not allowed to move my desk and he won't leave the room. Sometimes even when he walks out of the room to get something, just those few seconds are a relief.

So she said the only thing she can recommend for this level of stress is to remove the cause, no amount of deep breathing and long walks is going to help.

DishingOutDone
Firstly, well done for taking that first step...it’s the hardest one!
My STBXH was only EVER EA until I started the divorce, then he lost it! I am also going for occ order!
I know it’s not fair. But just ride the waves, you have no control over him or his decisions ! If he steps over the line , call the police, if he hits you in any form,The police will remove him!
Well I’m not sure about breathing and walking not solving anything!

Just own yours and everyday just try to detach a bit more.
You can take a big breath and walk away from his drama!that might help!
Go to bed and chill out! It uses a lot of energy trying to this out! So look after yourself!
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602 I'm sorry to hear you are feeling low. It's hardly surprising though - it sounds as though you have been hit with a wave of grief about what should have been and the person you thought your H was. None of us get married to see all our future plans unravel. Sending you hugs 🤗 Listen to your own advice and be kind to yourself 😘 your 20 year anniversary is a big big deal. You are doing well. I hope you had a lovely evening with your friend.

@DishingOutDone wow, the more you tell us the more horrible it sounds. I'm really glad you've had some good advice from people who know exactly what they are talking about. Hopefully, armed with all this, you can put your solicitor appointment to good use to come up with some practical steps to move forward.
It resonated with me about that feeling of stress with your H being in the room. (WTF though?! Same room!!) My H is not as bad as that, but as he's not working he is literally always in the house somewhere. The tension is a constant and for me, it's nowhere near as intense, because at least I can remove myself from the room! I'm crossing everything that you can get things moving very soon. It just sounds so awful.
You'd feel so different if you weren't stuck there. My H went away last weekend and life just shifted completely. My heart broke again when he returned. Soon though, it will be always like that. I hope we'll be cheering you on to freedom too xx

Nothing to report here. H has been in a foul mood all week. His behaviour is back to being confrontational about everything, demanding answers to unanswerable questions without a moment to think and making me on edge all the time. He's ranting at DS every two minutes about trivial things and that puts DS into freeze mode (as in fight-flight-freeze) and then I'm caught between the urge to protect DS and the knowledge that intervention could make things a whole lot worse. I need to come up with something to diffuse these situations.

@Tiddleypops 🤗i know that feeling when you are standing between h and the kids to protect them and the slightest thing will set h off. Sending a 🤗

@DishingOutDone Well done you have accomplished a lot this week. I am proud of you and pleased you took this big step.

@user1486131602 Sending a 🤗🤗🤗 i think you need them.

I finally have news. Good and bad news. Good first; H is moving out. In just over a week. I cant quite believe it. In fact it wont seem real until I get the bedroom and the bed back. We have not told kids yet.

Bad news; until he starts child maintenance payments there will not be enough money for food. (Which I think will be mid July). I can just about cover the bills ( by putting a couple of things I need personally on hold for three months), but it doesnt stretch to food or emergencies or additional legal costs. I will apply for UC also. (Unfortunately waiting for UC will overlap with summer sch hols so will be particularly tight as i have heard UC takes 5-6 weeks to come through).

But my parents have told me they will help me with food etc while waiting for the money to come through.

so that was a relief and I can be very frugal when needs must and go without. ( having said that I am pretty frugal anyway but will have to be more so).

@RoseMartha wow!! He's actually really going?!! That really is good news, I am so so pleased for you. After all you have been through, and I know you tried really hard to figure out a way to move out yourself and hit so many brick walls. Finally, you will have some space and freedom.

The money side of things is obviously a huge stress you could do without. Especially with the school holidays looming. You sound optimistic about it though. The bills are covered. You've a bit of help from the parents. I think with your own control back and space and not having to live in a constant state of heightened alert mode, nothing will be insurmountable This has made my day. Keep us posted as to how it is going x

Have t read the whole thread sorry, just saw title and thought I'd chime in!

Having big problems with my STBXH at the moment. He doesn't want the separation. We've been separated and living apart for 18 months.he works away through the week. Literally on his drive home from work on Friday the phone calls start.how he loves me and wants me back, if I'd have given him a. Second chance everything would've been perfect etc etc. He goes from one extreme to the other professing his u dying love to telling me how much he hates me. I'm trying to stay calm but actually at the end of my tether now. How can I tell him to get over it and leave me alone without being a complete bitch?

Clpsmum
Firstly, welcome!
I’m sorry it’s hard isn’t it?!
I think you have to just be honest and direct, maybe with a pinch of blunt added! You’ve been separated for18 months.....why is he not getting it?
You need to take a step back, look at what happening....are you both reverting to usual behaviour when he’s home, cooking, cleaning for him as well, etc...
Then you also need to get something in writing, it was at this stage that mine realised I wasn’t going to change my mind!
Hope that your weekend is not too worrying

RoseMartha
Hurray!
Finally you can get some sense of normality and freedom! Things will be so much calmer and steady for you and your kids now. I know what it’s like to worry about things mine stopped paying for everything once he moved out, even food for the kids! It will make you feel frantic at first worrying that you won’t manage. But, you will.
Take your parents up on the offer of food for now, apply for all benefits and you can get UC to give you an advance payment so that you aren’t left without. And ( I cried that my life had hit such a low) if you are really desperate, go to a food bank. That’s what they are there for.
I’m happy for you that you have finally had something positive happen
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗
And thank you for mine!

@user1486131602 thank you! No not cooking etc when I say home I mean back on the town I live! He has his own flat thank goodness! He is just driving me insane tbh

RoseMartha:
I really do think that it’s their job to drive us nuts, for me, that spurs me on!! I know, that’s weird!! But whatever works!!
Just do what you want, and one thing, one day at at time...and he’ll be left behind!

@clpsmum hi
Come along and have a rant whenever you like.
Your STBXH sounds like hard work. Do you have children together? Can you block his number? Or turn your phone off when you know he's on his way home? Can you say that you that you aren't willing to discuss it any more and that's that. Please don't call unless it's about something important. It's not being a bitch, it's being entirely reasonable. He's the one who is being unreasonable.

@Tiddleypops hi!! Yes we have three children so can't really block his number. I am going to be firm with him from now on though. Thing is he loves twisting everything around to be my fault and I'm the sort of person that feels guilty about everything anyway. He's refusing to take time off work over the summer to spend with them, he's forcing me to sell the house that me and kids live in and he's called me a benefit scrounger so really don't want to be friends with him. He seems to think he can just say sorry about that and I'll forget everything. I took the boys out on Friday and he sent a text saying"I would've come too if you'd have asked" I can't seem to get through to him that I don't want to spend time with him. He keeps saying sorry but if you'd given me a second chance ......., sorry but if you weren't so cold ......... etc etc. It's never just sorry it's always sorry but it's your fault!

Thank you for the support ladies it is very greatly appreciated. I live in a Scotland and my whole family are in England so hard sometimes to feel so alone

Clpsmum
Your ex sounds like a narcissist. All about him! Twisting things, saying hurtful untrue things, making you leave your home( which you do not have to do, while your kids are in full time education, talkto a lawyer about it) if he is saying things like ‘ I’d of come too’ you should’ve answered straight away, I didn’t invite you because I don’t want to spend time with you.’ Just put in black and white!

Look up narcissist on Pinterest, that gives loads of good advice and the qualities they have, it sure opened my eyes!
Really, you NEED to find a way to emotionally detach from him, you can only feel guilty if you still feel something for him.
His actions, his words...his responsibility!
Keep all his texts, good and bad will help your divorce case!
Love 💕 and 🤗

Evening all. I just went page to page 1 of this thread by mistake, I wonder how all the previous posters are doing? Including the OP @mammynowanauntyIRL - ?

So now the time when I tell H I want to separate is creeping nearer, I am seeing all his good qualities. Thinking that if this wasn't happening, you know, if I wasn't wanting him to leave, where would I be in my life? I'd be living in a home that I love, in a wonderful part of the world where everything suits me and is just right. I'd be looking forward to supporting my DDs in their next life stages, maybe a holiday next year. I'd still have some money and job worries, but life would be good. I wonder if my health would be better too.

I'd have a DH who is often interesting and intelligent, who shares the same opinions as me on politics and social issues and who is widely considered to be the nicest man in the neighbourhood (he's always nice to the neighbours). I'd have a life companion. My future, my 60s 70s 80s, it would all be on a firm footing.

All I'd have to do to get all this good stuff is ignore what H has put the kids through, ignore him refusing to do anything in the house, ignore his tantrums and rages, ignore his total abdication of any responsibility for anything. And all of it, just ignore it, handle it differently, pretend it didn't happen or that its ok. And then I'd get that cosy, comfortable future that I can see dangling just out of reach ...

DishingOutDone
I did the ignoring thing for years....and it destroyed me!
Please consider the things that led to you wanting a separation in the first place. Take more time if you need to. But, take care of yourself as well

So, ladies,
It’s finally happened......supermum has exploded!
I have been crying all weekend In bed! My daughter has been really snarky STBXH has been communicating thru her and changing his min every 5 mins again!
I started to realise how alone I am and how unsupported I have been all these years. I feel like a bottle of pop that has been shaken and now all my emotions are exploding out the top of the bottle and I can’t stop.
I understand that these are emotions I have hidden for many years but this is so painful. So, I’m going to the drs to get help and try to access any help I can get for my mental health.

@user1486131602 I'm so sorry and I'm not surprised; you have too much to put up with. How old are your DCs? Its the pits when they start manipulating the kids and if they are teens then of course they are even more vulnerable to it.

Do you have any support IRL?

DishingOutDone
Yes they are both teens and as polar opposites in temperament as you can get. The youngest one a girl, is being manipulated and manipulative!!
Not too much support irl, dad elderly, mum dead, sister we don’t speak! I have a bestie here who is my personal angel, and she has a lot on her plate at the moment and I have loads of friends overseas.

I’ve seen the dr today and did not slap a smile on, told her what’s really going on, referred me to a psychiatric nurse straight away!
Bottom line, is stop doing for others and just look after me! If that was all it took I wouldn’t be asking for help! Then I get home, house is a pit, dog hasn't been fed or watered or walked, dishes everywhere and as soon as I’m thru the door, ‘ mum what’s to eat I’m starving!
Hope they teach uni students how to cook for themselves! 🙄

Thank you ladies 🤗🤗🤗

Welcome @clpsmum your h seems like mine. Sending a 🤗🤗🤗

@user1486131602 glad you went to dr for help. That is a step in right direction. 🤗🤗🤗

@DishingOutDone i think that is normal with our H's in marriages like we are all in. H has been very amicable since he told me he was moving out. But i know it wont last. I sometimes wonder how the original posters all are too.

@Tiddleypops hi 👋🏻🤗