Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Itsmeandimscared:
Sorry to hear of your bad news. Anything you like to share? Something that we could help with?
Sometimes a good cry can help, but also can fast turn into wallowing! Just look at some of my posts!!
Try and go out for a walk, just go to the shop and buy some milk you do t need, or go to the park and listen to the kids playing! Anything that takes you out, and out of yourself.
I know it’s difficult, but try to step back. Sometimes no decisions are the right decisions! Don’t despair, we are here.
Sending you 💕 and hugs 🤗

Thank-you, @user1486131602.
That's so comforting. I have been keeping busy. I am trying not to wallow though that is what I really want to do.
I don't want to eat, talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything. I want to go to my bed and stay there for the next few months. I feel so defeated and broken.

I did give myself yesterday evening to wallow but told myself I have to get up today and keep moving...keep busy. I have been doing that...with crying intervals.

I would like to share. My mind seems so full and busy...i can't think and everything seems hopeless. I would try and write it out later today when I can organise my thoughts coherently.

Hope everyone else is having a better week.

@RoseMartha, I too am worried about you I can only echo what @Itistimeandiamscared said, that sometimes forcing yourself to do something to keep busy can sort of pull you out of it, if only for a little while. When you least want to go out and do anything, is almost the time you really need to the most.

I'm sorry to hear you have had some bad news Itistimeandiamscared These are really testing times. You are allowed to wallow every now and then. It takes such energy to keep on keeping on that sometimes you just have to say 'fuck it, I can't do it today... But I'll be back again tomorrow'. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I'm having a frustrating time. H is just - arrrrrgh! - annoying. There all the time. My solicitor is shit. Everything is taking forever

@Itistimeandiamscared
Sorry to hear you had bad news this week. 🤗🤗 how are things now? How is your weekend?

@Tiddleypops 🤗🤗sorry to hear things are not moving and you are feeling frustrated. Hows the weekend going?

Thank you both for your concern. 🤗🤗

I feel like I have backtracked with being stuck in abusive cycle. He seems to have sucked me back into it and I feel like he has control over me again. And I feel like a failure because of it. Every time I dig myself out I seem to fall back in.

However on the plus side I am recognising that I am being controlled more quickly now than I used to and realise I need to dig myself back out.
This is not what was depressing me earlier in the week. What was, was this. He was giving me silent treatment or yelling. Kids were being obnoxious. Had no time to myself at home whatsoever as had been half term and everyone had been at home all week. Plus the hospital appointments and supermarket trips for parents. I suggested I did them an online shop. No they told me, they prefer me to take them! 😡😡 it is hideous taking them its like being out with wayward kids. When the kids come as well, it sends me nutty.

@Tiddleypops like you things are at a standstill. My response which was five weeks ago, and was, with the exception of one minor detail total agreement to his last proposal, should have meant he would agree and we could get on with the finance arrangement. I have heard nothing. My solicitor chased his and has zero reply from them! So frustrating. Meanwhile he is still hinting about leaving and told us he cant wait but with no suggestion of when and if it is when my solicitor asked him to leave. While he knows what he is planning and withholding it from us. But expecting me to tell him any plans I have!

Just about had enough. It has cost twice the sum I was quoted as dragging on.

A friend of mine said 'your divorce is dragging on. My other friends who have got divorced took half the time. It must be costing you a fortune!'

That was not very comforting news. I dont need to be told something I already know and have been struggling through for nearly 18months. 🙄

Hello everyone, hope your weekend was good!
Mine was ok, my daughter is being rude again, she is telling her dad one thing and me another, resulting in him sending abusive texts and her telling me to shut up! She’s sick of being in-the middle! I’ve had to leave the house three times this week instead of blowing up at her as she has exams.
This morning I have had letters indicating that he is taking out credit at my address! He has a charge against the house! That stops me from getting an overdraft, yet they can give him a credit card at an address he doesn’t live at! Omg! When will this stop? My solicitor is on holiday so can’t get any advice! I think there’s going be a problem stopping any of this as he’s still on the mortgage and put himself back on the electoral roll !! I wondered why, well now I know .
I’m tamping mad and just needed to vent!

@RoseMartha - I am sorry to hear you had such a tough half term. I know what you mean - no time at all to just stop and take a breath let alone anything else.

It's good that you recognise the abusive cycle quicker and that you are getting drawn in. Do not beat yourself up about it, you are doing exceptionally well under extremely distressing circumstances. Pulling yourself out takes a lot of emotional energy.

Could you tell your parents that you are unable to take them to the shops - I know they prefer it if you take them, but you are allowed to say no when there is a totally viable alternative - I am sure if they knew how hard things were for you right now, they'd be mortified to think they'd made things worse. Perhaps you could do it sneakily by feigning an illness or something and then offering to help them do their first online shop? At least then, they might see the benefits and be encouraged to do it again next time?

I too found that I had been sucked back into the cycle a little bit. With things so quiet on the divorce front, it's like H has forgotten it's happening and I suppose I too have reverted a bit to old habits which has made it easier for him to get his feet back under the table and to take advantage.

I went to my Al-anon meeting on Saturday and just ranted, and then I felt ashamed. On the plus side, it helped me to recognise that there are lots of things I cannot change that are making me angry (H not moving out, H treating DS and me badly, alcoholism and its path of destruction, solicitors being shit).

Well, if I can't change those things then I have to look for other things to change.
I am not yet sure what this will look like, but for one I am mustering courage to ask H to tidy up all the piles of mess in the front room for instance. (I think, left to his own devices, he will become a hoarder - all part of his addictive personality I guess). I find it really hard to relax with stuff everywhere.
I am going to stop cooking for him when he can't be arsed to be home in time/goes to the pub etc - I realised this was not helping as I resentfully plated him up some dinner last week. I'm going to stop doing that.
I am going to set up something with DS, not sure what yet, but something where he has a few minutes a day to tell me anything that's in his mind. Hopefully it will become a habit and a safe space to tell me anything he needs to, even if it might not make much sense. A good habit to have I think and I can make sure he's doing ok.

Anyway, nothing much else to report. I think H may have seen his solicitor this morning, so perhaps I'll have a response to the financial proposal on the way...

@user1486131602 what an absolute tw@t, how dare he screw the finances up. That is seriously out of order, I am so sorry you are having to deal with that on top of everything else
It must be so difficult to have to deal with your daughter, on the one hand being supportive to her and the other having to deal with the stress of her playing up. Big hugs, you can get through this. Exams will soon be over too

Tiddleypops:
Sorry to hear that you are ‘going backwards’ don’t cook for him, if you are feeling petty by not doing it, just leave it out to go cold, his finger can work the microwave the same as yours!!

I had a chat with my daughter and we have agreed to have a chat in the car for a few minutes a day, no holds barred, so that we can work things thru, would this be an idea you could take on?
After I calmed down, I realised the answer to the credit card thing! I will hold on to the pin until the card itself arrives. That stops him using it! I have had the council confirm in writing that he has been removed from the electoral roll. So when I have all those things I will take them all back to his branch of the bank and return them personally. It will help that the manager of that branch is a friend of mine!! He is a twa* and has never taken responsibility for his debts or the fact that his mental health problems have caused massive debts over the years that have been left to me, alone, to sort out!
So, I will sort them out. My way and just for me! The shit will hit the fan once he realises, but he won’t be registered here so can only cause chaos elsewhere!!
I appreciate you taking time out to reply. I hope that things will start moving soon
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Ladies this all sounds so hard - I know I have this coming, well some of it I have now and the rest of the shit is yet to hit the fan. I had a long talk with my DD18 yesterday about our computer - H has set up an extremely complicated and unnecessary system wherein he has copied everything off of the desktop computer I am sat at now into the cloud so even if I delete stuff he still has access to it. She's very tech savvy so we are going to spend some time each week moving stuff and seeing what we can do about the info in the cloud. Its one of the ways he controls us, except he didn't realise she would grow up to know what he was up to.

DishingOutDone:
If you know the passwords to the cloud? Your Dd could do more than you think. You could go to Apple and ask them to help. You can remove your phones computers from the account that is using family sharing. I did that, so where as I can track his, he can’t track anything of ours! Just go to settings, iCloud, tap on your name and email address and ‘edit’ them. Set up an new email and password on your phone and update them on the cloud! Show this to dd who will know how to do it! Just move forward knowing that even if the shit is going to hit the fan, you are doing what you need to for things to be right for you. That’s what he’s doing!
Thank god for kids, eh?!
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602 I like your daily chat idea. I think anything that encourages our kids to talk has to be a good thing. I'm going to adopt the idea, and make it a bit more age appropriate. a few minutes window at bed time, where we each share something that's in our mind or something 🤔

Glad to hear you have a plan to scupper the cheeky beggar with the financial stuff. He didn't think it through very hard did he?!

@DishingOutDone I hope you can sort the cloud issues with the help of DD.

Thx tiddleypops:
The idea is not working to well today!
It’s her birthday tomo and she has seen her dad today!
I’ve tried not to push things with her but I don’t think she realises how hurt I am.
She has made arrangements to go out with bf tomo, friends thurs, her dad sat! When do I fit in?
I know it’s how it should be, but there won’t be too many birthdays before she’s grown and gone!!
And another wallow!!
I don’t think he thinks anything thru in the proper way! He just lives in his own world, creating chaos!
Glad the ‘chat’ suggestion could help, when it works it’s a great way to stay connected!

So, enough bleating! Off to bed I go!!
Night night xx

Hi, @RoseMartha, good to hear from you.
So sorry you had a trying time over the half-time. And having no time to yourself, doesn't help.
It is a very difficult period for you being pulled in all directions as everyone is wanting something from you. I hope coming on here to chat helps release some pressure.
It is a good thing you recognise when you are pulled back into the cycle of abuse...don't get angry with yourself if you can help it. Be more forgiving.
Even when they do not live in the house with you, they can still pull you in. (I'm living it now).
Whether they live with you or not, they will keep on trying to pull you into that cycle, trust me.

But then we start recognising when it happens, then we recognize when it is about to happen, then we start learning how to break out of it/try not to fall into the cycle. This takes time. And it takes many trials until we get a successful strategy/coping mechanism.
This is a very difficult time for you. It can't and would not last forever.
Your parents may not grasp how trying your situation is or they may grasp it but can't help their need for you. (I am assuming they are aware) So you really need to look out for you. Maybe alternate online shopping with going-out-to-the-shops shopping. You are so strong and very resilient but you still need some loving. Love yourself in any little way you can. Sending you strength.

@Tiddleypops, I like your thoughts on making changes where you can.

I read your post about mustering up courage to ask your DH to tidy up the piles of mess in the front room and immediately it took me when I used to spend days, sometimes weeks mustering up courage to get STBXH to help out with something or around the house or tidy up some mess he has made and keeps making. I used to be so scared, so reluctant to call him out on his lack of contribution to family life.
(Well except when we entertained and he would very obviously start clearing up and going to wash the dishes..it was such a big show our guests always offered to help. And I got told how lucky I was to have a partner that was hands on!
I do apologise. I am aware I probably come across as still annoyed or even bitter)
Going back to the point, my courage eventually failed me on many many many occasions. Reading that comment on your post struck me. I am wishing you the best and sending you strength. Have you been able to speak to him about it?

Hopefully you hear back from his solicitor soon.
Have you started the daily little chat with DS yet? It is a brilliant idea. I did that when it was early days with the separation but in the last month that's kinda stopped. I think I would start it again.

@user1486131602, hi. Thank-you for your great advices. So sorry to hear about how he is making a mess of the finances. So glad you have a way to handle this attempt.
I just wondered, once the divorce process has started, is any debt accrued from that point still joint liability or the responsibility of the person in whose name the debt was taken out in? I am wondering if he were to wise up and use a different address in the future, how those debt would affect you eventually?
Really sorry you have to deal with this. It is a good thing you caught it before he got access to the pin (and hopefully the card).
How are things with your DD now? Hope better...hope the chats are helping. It's tough with kids, eh.

Hi, @DishingOutDone, were you able to sort out the cloud stuff?
I hope you can sort it out.

Are your important documents in a safe place?

I also wondered could he have tracking access to your phone and/or DD's phone. I don't know why it occurred to me to ask?
If he has gone to such lengths to have a copy or know whatever the computer is used for, I wondered if there were other things he would be wanting to monitor as well.
I may just be paranoid, please forgive if I have spoken out of turn.

I can only imagine your mindset, readying your mind for when you do take the plunge. You are using this time to think and prepare. I think that's great. I didn't get time to prepare. Knowing what I know now about this process, I recognise how valuable having that time could be. Wishing you the very best.

Wishing everyone a good weekend.

Itsmeandimscared: and to you.
Tiddleypops, RoseMartha And DishingOutDone: hoping that you have a peaceful one!

Just been updating my journal.OMG! I can’t believe I’m still standing!
In the last 12 months ( not a year) I have survived : a death, a nervous breakdown, a holiday from hell, a heart condition,and the menopause, plus a diagnosed depressed teen, emotional, physical and money abuse and now a divorce! I just can’t believe it.
All the worst things life can throw at you and all at once!

No wonder I’m feeling a bit low and emotional 😭🤪

See ladies, we have no idea how strong and resourceful we are!
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@user1486131602 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Thinking of you. Xxx

How has fathers day been for everyone?

Sorry not been around still feeling a bit depressed. H is stalling on his response. It has been nearly two months and even after my solicitor chasing there has been no news.

Parents wise: after a hellish grocery shopping trip with the kids for my parents, yesterday. I have insisted I set up online grocery shopping, which I will execute on their behalf as they do not do, or have internet, but will be paid for by them ( they will tell me what they need),and delivered straight to their door. Probably a bit of confusion for parents about paying for it to start with but I cant manage it any other way. I did explain but they will forget in the mean time. 🤪🙄

Fathers day, kids gave dad gift. But they wanted to stay close to me. They did sit with him for an hour watching you tube after some encouragement. We went out late morning though as he went to work.

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you for your kind words last week. You are right it will take time. Sorry you are still in cycle now xx

Hello all, I'm really down and miserable. Sorry I didn't reply last week. I feel very scared at how miserable I am. I don't think I have the strength that user1486131602 has - although amazing to see that I too have had almost all the same things happen in the past couple of years, we must be twinned!!

Haven't done anything about cloud, its on my long list. Just want to type scared scared scared over and over again. I've never been diagnosed with depression but I think this must be similar to what its like.

user how is your depressed teen? My DD has just finished GCSEs and is still under CAMHS, we've got various options for college lined up but not sure she's going to be able to cope. And then into that mix I am going to throw splitting up with her dad, and knowing he's going to have to live here for a while whilst its being sorted out.

Itistimeandiamscared - is this how you ended up with your user name?!

Sorry guys I just noticed; I must be depressed because I just talk about me all the time I literally can't follow what everyone is saying even to be polite. Doom and gloom.

Sending everyone 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Hello ladies!
Father’s Day was ok actually. No visit from him kids got him a card and nothing else( was my job! ) so now he knows what it feels like !!

Itsmeandimscared
She is on meds, but, stopping the chaos at home and finishing exams at high school has helped ( lots of bitchy girls etc), a lot.
Still has confidence and self esteem issues but I’ll make sure she gets there!! No other depts involved. She is starting college in sept wants to do sciences, was put on the scholar programme!
You sound like you could do with help too. Get to the drs, get some meds....carrying on when you feel so bad is so difficult. You don’t have to stay on them, just use them for now. Start being good to yourself, you have to look after you to look after them!!
I’m not posting too many details on here, but I had been desperately unhappy for the last 5 years, to the point of not wanting to live anymore ( not suicidal) ,I’m sure you do have the strength itsmeandimscared just just haven’t reached the point where you can do more. It sounds like it’s coming. You will find the strength when YOU need it. When you can’t/won’t live that like that anymore.
Get that journal out, write down your worries, thoughts, emotions.
Then write plans and goals. Start with dr, get meds, start getting things sorted, bills, solicitor, college etc. EVERY STEP NO MATTER HOW SMALL IS A STEP FORWARD. YOU CAN DO IT.
sending you lots of hugs 🤗

@RoseMartha, glad to hear the parents have joined the 21st century 😉 Bloody good on you for putting your foot down and getting them to do it.
Father's Day comment made me laugh, he got an hour with them and watched YouTube. My H thinks watching YouTube with DS is quality time together too. He misses out on everything else.

@user1486131602 woah you have had one hell of a year, and yet you keep going and looking at things in such a positive way, you are so so strong 💪

@DishingOutDone I hope your DDs exams went well. I wonder if you would benefit from some counselling maybe? I had a few sessions and it was really good to have an hour each week to talk about myself and declutter the mind a little bit. She helped me overcome a lot of my fear and sense of obligation to everyone else and to see that putting my needs first actually meant that everyone else would benefit too.

We had a good weekend. H was away, so DS gave him a prezzie he'd chosen before he left and we had a weekend of freedom and fun and treats. H is back now though and yep, spent 5 mins with DS then went back to dicking about on his phone. Ah well, one day at a time!