Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Morning all. user1486131602 that sounds beyond stressful - how long has it all been going on? Where is he living when he's not hanging out with you?

All this has really opened my eyes to the situation I might find myself in when we "split" - if I can't get H to leave whilst everything is sorted out it will impact youngest DD's recovery (MH issues, currently doing GCSEs). But she's also likely to take sides. Oldest is moving to uni and she has no time for him so not such an issue, but youngest seems to have forgotten how he treated her - I think his treatment went a long way to causing her depression, but she has now forgotten it. Its as if there is a big 5+ year gap in her memory of him. Once he realised how seriously ill she was last Autumn he stopped picking on her and since then a sort of Disney Dad arrangement has emerged. She's now saying she doesn't care which one of us she lives with, which could mean I cant get him out, can't get the equity I need and wont be able to justify a 3 bed for me and the DDs/dog.

A friend was saying to me the other day maybe you just have to let this play out, I'm all for planning and controlling but how can you control someone's actions when their behaviour is so unpredictable and that's the reason we are splitting up in the first place!

When we do split, it should be a clean break as by that time youngest DD will be 17 and he earns less than me so no maintenance as such; but I know when he realises I am going to apply for half his pension I should imagine the gloves will be off.

RoseMartha:
You can still apply to have your tax credits adjusted, I did and am being paid as a single parent, it helps!
I have asked legal advice, he will only stay at his sisters if he is not listed as not living here! he still has a key. Even if that wasn’t so he would still be on joint mortgage, not able to stop him.
DS & DD are both doing so much better, their exams seem to be going well ( can one ever tell?) for that I’m grateful.
DishingOutDone:
It’s has been going on for the last month, I have tried to be out when he came, or even go out after he gets here, but, then he has free reign to take anything he feels entitled to. And does. Its beyond stressful, maybe once I inform the solicitor that he stopped paying for anything in April the situation might change. We will see. But my UTMOST priority is for my kids so have been trying not to rock the boat which the exams and both their birthdays falling in the last month or so.
The answer to all of this is to stop crying and go see MY solicitor.

Sometimes a change of scenery is enough. I can’t see that your friends, who seem most supportive, would leave your children out all of the time. I hope so.

RoseMartha:
Disney dad isn’t good enough, your DD is older than 5yrs and as before you have the evidence already that will help.
Your dd will be asked who she wants to live with, but if she can’t make her own decision, the court will decide for her, usually her mum. Try not to worry about what you can’t control, I know that’s not easy, but your energies are needed elsewhere!

Tiddleypops, itsmeandimscared I hope the weekend hasn’t beed too bad for you.

Love 💕 and hug 🤗

@DishingOutDone - you can only do what YOU can do, try not to waste time trying to figure out what he is going to do. Focus on yourself, focus on the DCs and they will respond positively. Easier said than done, I know. You are in such a difficult situation

@user1486131602 - argh no, that's so frustrating and creepy that he just comes and goes. No wonder you cannot relax i your own home and so unfair on the DCs And what is he playing at, not getting a solicitor? You can keep going regardless, he doesn't have to have a solicitor for you to divorce him, although I can see that it will slow things down. I agree, going to see your solicitor would be a good idea.

@Rosemartha, if your H is so keen on moving out, then why the flip doesn't he just get on with it, and let you and the DC have some peace I am glad you have a holiday to look forward to. Fingers crossed the weather is good so you can get out and about without spending too much.

@itsmeandimscared how are you doing?

I actually had a good weekend. H took DS away (thankfully there were plentiful responsible adults so I did not have to worry about lack of proper care). I took the opportunity to go away myself with some friends. I feel very lucky to be honest. H spent all weekend drinking, including yesterday when he got back. The house is a complete tip, he's left stuff everywhere.

No progress with divorce - I applied for the decree nisi a month ago, but the backlog is so long at Bury St Eds that they haven't yet even processed it, let alone sent it off to the legal team.

My sol has written to his sol with a financial proposal, but H is on the verge of losing his job and there seems to be some suggestion that nothing will happen until the job situation is clear - which in turn will hold up the divorce and hold up us living separately. They are stalling basically, so he doesn't have to move .

I am coping ok most of the time. He isn't being such a dick at the moment.
I'm learning to only change what I can, and trying hard not to worry about all the things that are outside of my control. It sort of clears the head a little, and relieves the burden. I've managed to book a holiday for Summer, so I have something to look forward to .

Tiddleypops:
Thanks for the reply.
Glad to hear that your weekend has been good.
Mine has been dreadful.
I have seen or spoken to a soul and am so emotional. have felt very alone, I don’t seem to have any motivation for anything, which in itself feels like another problem as I’m usually a ‘get things done’ kind of person. My house is mess, can’t be bothered to clean, the garden needs doing- usually his thing- something else I have to try to do, there is diy left unfinished ( something else he decided he wasn’t paying for, after it was started). Normally this would’nt usually seem so insurmountable but I just can’t.

All I do is cry, eat crap and sleep...And that is all I want to do.
I know the answer to each of these things but seem to have hit a wall. It’s so bad I’m have been asking myself if I’m doing the right thing.
Ironically, this year I am in need of a holiday but paying for everything from my sickness benefits means there’s absolutely no chance. But, even if I could what would he do/take while I was gone?This month he hasn’t even paid the £32 he did last month!
Tried the solicitor this morning. No answer and no reply to message left so that's pee’d me off as well! Oh god! Wallowing again!

Glad to hear that you have been able to book a holiday, and that it’s something for you to look forward to and at least H isn’t behaving like mine!🤪

And reading this back before I post, the answer is there...I feel trapped!
Sorry for moaning, I have stopped writing in my journal as too tired, but that’s where I dump all my emotion.....
Tomorrow is another day. I hope 🤞🏻
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

DishingOutDone:
Just had a thought....do you know that you can stay in the house until your youngest one is 20 (provided they are in full time education)
Might be something to discuss with solicitor?
Sorry haven’t been supportive had a mare of a weekend!
Love 💕 and 🤗

@user1486131602 oh I'm so sorry you've had such an isolating weekend I find those times the most difficult. The days I'm stuck in the house with the misery of it all.
You are doing so well though, you really are. You are getting through it, day by day. This phase will pass. Have you considered maybe speaking to the doctor?
I am a bit of a get on and do things sort of person too, and the house being a state is really getting me down. I'm trying to focus on the fact that it will soon be easier to get things done, I will be in control of my own space. In the mean time the world won't end, there's only so much we can do.
Big hugs 🤗 I hope tomorrow is a better day x

Tiddleypops
Thank you.
I have been taking anti depressants for many years because of the constant drama here.
I understand what you mean, I can now suit myself what and when things are done, but can’t afford to put all the 1/2 finished things right! Typical! Thank you for the encouragement...I know we will both get there......eventually!
Tomorrow I’m going to force myself to do some bills and cleaning. Tidy house, tidy mind!....I hope!😉
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

user1486131602 my solicitor said that, I know its feasible but I am thinking it might be better just to move on. I am after shared ownership and I might end up getting too old, the market is volatile. Also if H can get his hands on his share of the capital then he can move on too - however, in the first instance I really think he should go and rent so as not to create an awful atmosphere at home for DD it would set her back.

(Sorry if that was a bit vague - I mean I want to buy a shared ownership scheme house, there are lots in my area, its my "plan"! Went to look at some today with a friend to get an idea of what I am letting us all in for!)

@Tiddleypops so pleased you had some time to yourself and your little one had other friends or family to watch out and care for him so pit your mind at rest. Also well done for booking a holiday. 🤗

🤗 re the progress of divorce. Hope you have news soon.
I have been told also the financial agreement can take 2-3 months to be processed. Nothing is ever quick or straightforward.

@user1486131602 sorry to hear your weekend was not good. 🤗🤗 one step at a time. Do what you can, even if it is just one little thing.

Things here mega tense and uncomfortable. No news on date or whether he is actually going to move out at all. In fact he still wont commit to what days he is spending with kids this week making planning days out almost impossible.
We spent 7 hours out the house today to avoid him. Thankfully it was dry.

No news but still worrying about money. 😕

@RoseMartha can you turn his lack of commitment to what he's doing round on him. I.e. Tell him you are doing XYZ on these particular days therefore the kids are free on this, that and the other day? If he then chooses to do nothing, it's on him? Might not work in a practical sense, it was just a thought that maybe it can take back some control that way.

I feel like everything has ground to a halt here, it's so frustratingly slow.

Tiddleypops:

Sorry to hear that things are slow, can you not find a way to expedite the nisi ( pay to jump queue?) .
Things here are just as slow, STBXH won’t engage a solicitor, and so we are waiting on him to provide financials before we can move.....plus my solicitor is now on holiday!
I guess it’s just hard to think that although we have ended things to move on, we can’t coz they won’t!
As you have said to me, one day at a time, one thing at a time. ANY step forward, however small, is still a step forward.
Things can only get better!

RoseMartha:
I have started to say No, that’s not convenient. No, I can’t drop them off at o’clock I’m busy. If he wants to see them, he will. Just get on with your life and don’t consider his!

Ok, love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Argh, it must be sooo frustrating @user1486131602. Well I know it is. Total lack of engagement from your H. Mine spent all last year ignoring the fact that I'd told him it was over. It took me 10 months to pick up courage to start the divorce, I so wish I'd done it sooner, but hey, here we are.

One day at a time though, yep, it's all we can do. Some days it doesn't seem so bad (like, when I'm at work 😂).
Moving on will come. We'll get there... Eventually! .

Hugs ladies 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Sorry to hear it is so slow. I know, i am in it too. Feels like moving in slow motion. Or on pause and then you unpause it and pause it again.

@Tiddleypops
@user1486131602 🤗

Thanks I have tried saying we are doing such and such on x, y and z but he then claims I am taking kids away from him and not giving him option to see them 🙄 and he cant choose. I give him opportunity to choose and he purposely doesnt. 😡

He is talking about when he has moved out again. But not elaborating when. Still no news from his solicitor.

Its been a long half term and not over yet!

You can't win @RoseMartha My H can be a bit like that, it's all about how I'm taking DS away, so I end up loitering around the house with DS climbing the walls, only for H to get snappy because he's trying to watch something on TV
I've become a bit more firm about making plans which helps some days, but my H is not as hostile as yours One day closer... I really really hope he moves out soon Rose. I'm looking forward to that update from you xx

Hi, Everyone.
How are we all doing? How are we coping with the back to school?
Sorry I have been a bit quiet but I have now caught up. I hope everyone is coping okay.
Things here are very tough in various ways - DC's behaviour, finances, work stuff, STBXH's antics, DC school issues, housing, car. My mind is so busy trying not to worry/finding solutions that I am unable to sleep (for days). I hope to update in more detail when I get some energy.
I just wanted to check in, see how everyone is doing and say hello.

Sorry to hear you have been having a tough time @Itistimeandiamscared. I do think the school holidays can be especially tricky because there is literally no respite, and you have the added pressure of having to try and enjoy yourself with the kids. Lack of sleep is a form of torture too isn't it?
I sometimes try youtube yoga (yoga with adrienne) to wind down, or meditate or just write down a list of things that I agree with myself that I will park until tomorrow - at least if they are written down, I won't forget if you see what I mean? I hope you get some rest.

Morning!
Itsmeandimscared:
Mine are a bit older so they are back to school, but, doing exams! That’s quite a busy thing as I have them in two different schools, doing 2diff exams gcse and Alevel,on different days for different subjects!
This frantic stage will pass. I didn’t sleep properly for 9 months, I turned into a vampire bat! The only time I could sleep was when no one was home! It DOES get better. That’s why I started journaling. Somewhere to dump my emotions. I’m sorry that you are finding things hard. Try having a nanny nap. I found the honest guys sleep meditation (you tube again) really worked.
Tiddleypops:
How are things with you?
DishingOutDone: you?

I have been having really vivid dreams about my STBXH being with someone else, god that hurts. I really wish I could hate him. I have no patience or love for his illness or behaviour so what’s happening?! I’m just being sentimental, I guess. This has been so hard, we haven’t even talked about why we are getting a divorce! He has just listened to the crap his family are saying and attacking me (verbally)!
It’s been about 6/7 weeks since he’s gone to stay at his sisters and things are calmer but all these emotions are going straight to my stomach!! I am emotionally drained. So, I’m going to a take a step back and let things happen, I can’t control everything.
I don’t know where you both live, but here, the weather is drab and damp, a good old british summer! And, just when a little sunshine would help 🌝
Hope you all feel a little better soon
💕 and 🤗

Evening all. Well, I've had a bit of an epiphany today. I had a health treatment, something I wouldn't normally do, and I felt a bit better afterwards which is rare for me and it made me think; normally I just assume I will always feel terrible - after all, I did a terrible thing (stayed with an abusive dick and allowed it to affect my children), I am stuck in this situation and the sooner I try to get out the worse it will be (I want to end it now but I need to get DD2 into college etc first and make sure she is relatively stable due to her MH issues) and when I DO finally confront it all, all hell will break loose. He's so vindictive I cannot imagine (well I can) what he might do.

So the epiphany was that he makes me feel hopeless. He makes me feel like it will always be terrible, and that the price for it not being terrible, should I wish to try to pay it, will be even more terrible. I came out of the treatment thinking blimey I am not as unwell as I thought, maybe I can be independent and regain my physical and emotional health.

And I walked back into the house and literally abandoned all hope.

So I am thinking what I need to do is not wait on things working out next year when I am able to get him out; but I need to find ways to limit his influence on me now, or rather even more ways. I don't cook or do washing for him, I have mini breaks without him, I work on his days off, but I need more space to protect myself. How much space mental or physical can you have from someone that is still all over the house and refusing separate bedrooms?

DishingOutDone:
Hurray! Sometimes the smallest things! I’m glad you had head space for the epiphany. It means you are getting stronger.
You are doing all the right things to detach from him. You do not need to agree to same bedrooms, that’s his choice, not yours. I spent 9 months sleeping on the sofa to not be in the same space or room as him. So, you choose what’s right for you and impose that on him!

I can’t believe how strong women are: we will endure anything for our kids, men just don’t have the capacity to understand that. What an amazing thing you are doing for your DD. I hope that you can wait that long. In the meantime, start doing all the things you can for yourself, paperwork, bank accounts, change your will, life assurance etc....plus journaling his behaviour so you can use it for ‘unreasonable behaviour ‘
You need to limit his effect on your emotional well-being. Just start slowly detaching from him emotionally and when the time comes you WILL have the strength!
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

@DishingOutDone, well done. I second what @user1486131602 has said. Having that epiphany shows you are getting stronger. I was the same, scared to walk away because I was afraid of how vindictive and vengeful he would be.
I am living it now.
And he has been true to expectations, a very vindictively resourceful, cunny, spiteful, angry, vengeful, hardhearted human being.

But what has surprised me most - is my ability to cope and roll with the punches.
I am really going through a horrible time but I thought I would be paralysed and bowed in submission & defeat. But no. I keep getting up and I keep standing. Over and over again.

We really don't know our own strength until we need it.
I think all the years of abuse did somehow build some hidden strength in us. Else how were we able to get up everyday, put on smiling faces, nurture our kids, run our homes, do our jobs or build a career... without breaking down??? Without giving up?
You will get through it when you do decide to do something about it or when the decision of when it happens, gets taken out of your hands (that could happen). I just want you to know, you will not break. You won't. That's already evident with the strength and endurance you are showing now.

@user1486131602, thank-you for the meditation info. I do some mindfulness meditation. I get to fall asleep but can't stay asleep. I get an hour...rarely 2 hours. I would have a look at the one you mentioned. Thanks.
How long do you have this frantic period with the kids exams? Wishing them all the best and sending you strength.
It is not unexpected that you would react that way to the dreams you are having...things are not ending because you stopped loving him...they are ending for other reasons over which you don't have any control. Don't worry that you feel that way...be kind and gentle with yourself. You are going through a process which has many phases...some which will reoccur more than once.

@Tiddleypops, thank-you for the tip about meditation and writing list. I actually practiced that today, immediately I read your message. I use lists for jobs but never thought to use it for daily activities, thoughts (I know I may not be making sense..i apologise) but listing out thoughts and seeing them and apportioning them to different times during the day and listing out activities like make cup of yes, have lunch, grab an apple etc...just immediately took quite a bit of anxiety of me. It was like I unloaded my mind. So thank-you very much for that. I would be doing it tomorrow...and have done it for tonight.
I was so tired I was in bed and asleep by quarter to six this evening with meditation.
Awake by 8pm. And I am afraid that's my sleep for tonight. I would try meditation again in a few hours.

@RoseMartha, how are you? How are things at home? Has he mentioned moving out again or given a date he would move out?
How is your health? And the parents?
Just saying hi.

Such a long post. Apologies.

@DishingOutDone 🤗 if he will not entertain the idea of separate bedrooms then you need to consider moving out the bedroom. Is there anywhere you can put a camp bed? Even though I have now been on the floor in the box room/office for over 15 mths, I do like sleeping on my own.

@Itistimeandiamscared no apologies needed for long posts.
Hi 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

My update is this, half term felt like a month. No news, no response from his solicitor. Just constant digs and emotional abuse. I felt extremely depressed today even cancelled coffee with a friend. Kids are challenging.

Parents are time consuming when time is tight for me. Two hospital appointments in a week.

Sending you all 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

RoseMartha
I’m sorry that you are so low.
Perhaps it’s time to do something for yourself? Anything.
Is there no more possible help you get for your parents?
I understand what you mean about how long 1/2 term seemed!😉 but, you must feed your own soul, you won’t break, you have endured and still nurtured others. Sending you strength and love.

Itsmeandimscared:
I understand how daring not being able to sleep is! My 9 months on the sofa meant I was up all night, getting to sleep about 6am, the kids getting up for school at 7am! So, I tried to fit in a nap for an hour while they were at school and then pushed myself to stay awake u til about 10pm on the weekends when he wasn’t here, used the meditation thingy and a decent night sleep followed.....I felt like a gladiator the next morning!🤣
The exams will be over by the end of the month so not long now. It’s just what mums do, isn’t it! It’s does take a while for the fact that you’re still standing to dawn on you, but once it does, their behaviour just fuels you! I feel better today, so onwards and upwards. Just one day at a time.

Love 💕 and hugs 🤗 ladies x

@RoseMartha, so good to hear from you. I am so sorry you are feeling so down.
What of today? How do you feel?

I have attended some support groups like the Freedom Programme etc. One thing I learnt is that it is those times we are at our lowest that we should keep busy...stop hide away..go out see people even if it is very definitely the last thing you want to be doing.
Initially, I thought 'what crap advice. It definitely would not work for me'. It is very hard (way outside my comfort zone) and I struggle to do as advised because I have always hidden away and stayed away from people. I have found that when I do follow the advice, it halts or slows my downward spiral.

I really wish there was a way you could do something nice for yourself. You sound so low and de-energised ... it worries me and my heart goes out to you.

It was really nice hearing from you. I hope you feel a bit better today.

I received some really tough news yesterday. And I cried my way through the evening, last night and this morning. I feel such despair...and found those horrible thoughts coming through again. I am doing my best to keep busy...i have found my self crying a couple of times this afternoon but I have to keep moving. I am scared of how fast and far I may spiral if I get time to really think of the implications of this horrible news.