Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Wise words as always @user1486131602. It's so so easy to slip into feeling responsible for everything.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend 🤗

user1486131602 thank you for your support; I never documented anything, all these years, 30+ years we've been married, and I never wrote anything down. I should have kept a diary that would be a pitiful read. Yesterday we went out with relatives who have two young DC just like mine, little toddlers, and the dad was so happy playing with them and they constantly sought his attention for cuddles and games. My DDs just looked on as they always do knowing that they never had anything like that. I always use this guy as an example of what a good partner and father is like BTW, otherwise they would have no role models. My H stood there and said that if a child had good parents they would be more likely to have good mental health. oh the irony. You literally couldn't make it up.

(sorry - two young DC - mine are 15 and 18, I meant I was looking back and comparing the two families if that makes sense) (I wish mine were toddlers again and I knew what I know now I would run for the hills).

DishingOutDone
Nothing is more perfect than hindsight.
But it’s not your fault, it’s his. The choices that he chose to not make or do are his and his alone. If he could care his actions would show that.
Mine are now 16 &18 ur that doesn’t change the fact they are my ‘kids’ and always will be. They in turn, make me feel responsible also. Just be proud that you didn’t run, you wouldn’t have your kids. No matter how hard this gets I thank him for mine and I have brought them up to know the differences as I’m sure you have yours!
Just start the journal now, I started as a way to express my feelings, but after his abuse escalated to death threats it was used as proof. You need to think about you. Your future your health your happiness.
I am not going thru my divorce with any intention of ever meeting anyone else, but for the peaceful life I deserve. All the drama was slowly killing me. I have no hate, I just couldn’t live like that anymore.
Love 💗 and 🤗

Tiddleypops:
More abusive and name calling txts at my end! So, same shit, different day! But at least I don’t have to live or put up with that and I have told him so!
Out to lunch with a friend today, so nice to have someone do something for me for a change.
Hope that cream cake found it’s way into your (mouth) life?! If not the shops are open today!
They want you to be responsible then they don’t have to be! That only works so long as we take that on. DONT!
Go to dr and talk to him about your concerns for H health, ask for an alcoholic referral. They will contact your H direct. It will also help your case for unreasonable behaviour and him get accommodation.
Just one thing at a time one day at a time. If you do something towards the divorce today do something for yourself tomo!
Love 💗 and hugs 🤗

to user1486131602 for your support.

Anytime ladies! 😘

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 everyone.

My weekend has been tense and uncomfortable. More sulking from H. And short replies. No more kicking off which was something.

Oh so true about the responsibility. When h kicked off the other day he made it all about him. Telling me had I thought about how it was all affecting him. Had I thought about him because I need to think about him. Not once did he say he was considering us. Even financially all he was worried about was me not paying the mortgage and him having to pay a month because I missed a payment. And that that is not acceptable. And how am I going to manage financially. (All in front of kids may I add).

Tonight when kids asked why he never does any jobs about the house. Probably brought on because I spent most the day doing house hold jobs and errands while he watched tv and texted. He told them he has the most important job which is paying the bills therefore doesnt need to do housework! 😡 He did take kids out for two hours to run off energy (theirs not his) and I took the opportunity to sort out elderly parents issues, when I got home they were upstairs on the ipad which I had banned that morning as a consequence for behaviour and he was there when I did that but either forgot or thought it would keep them quiet!!! And he knew homework needed doing he did tell them to do it, but if you do not physically sit down with them to supervise them to do it, it will not get done, so I fitted that in as well.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

Sorry RoseMartha,
Sounds like you have 2 kids and a narcissistic man child.
Same advice, start journaling everything, pass the info to your solicitor it will help you with unreasonable behaviour in the divorce process.
I’m sure the iPad thing was so he could sit on the sofa and watch footy? He won’t of seen t as undermining you, just a way to keep them from under his feet!
Hope the parents are a bit better.
Try and turn your thought process round, so that he is unable to anger you.
Ie: well I was busy but...I feel great that I accomplished xxxx today
The more you can be calm the less he will like it!
Here’s another of my mantras: a diamond is just a piece of coal that performed well under pressure! ( you! )
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Argh! @RoseMartha, I'm angry on your behalf 😠
What a twunt.
Deep breath, today is a new day, and one day closer to him being gone.
Did you get anywhere with help for your parents?

I'm mustering the courage to call social services. I just want to be prepared. H has had DS for 2 afternoons in the last week while I've been working and both times took him to the pub. So much for our agreement in mediation that he would not drink while he has DS. I'm documenting it all, and hopefully SS can advise what my best course of action would be if when he's pissed with DS once he's moved out.

Fed up

Tiddleypops
I’m sorry that H can’t grow up. But again, these are his choices.
The pub is not a place to bring up a kid. Ss May be able to guide you but since the manchild broke the terms of your agreement, do the same to safeguard your son. Call alcohol anon they help the families as well get manchild some support from them , to ease your load, then step back. Think of it as helping him to help yourself!
Deep breath, baby steps.
Love 💖 and hugs 🤗

Thank you @Tiddleypops and @user1486131602 .

Tiddley how did it go with SS. I hope they were supportive. Sending 🤗🤗🤗

I have been in tears again. H been abusive, aggressive and controlling with me as well as downright nasty.

I haven't braved calling SS yet. I'll get there. Things are not 'bad enough' at the moment, for them to be involved, I just don't want to leave it until things are bad enough!

Your H seems to be upping the ante @RoseMartha. Are you any closer to agreeing finances? Once that is done, can you apply for the absolute?

Hi, everyone.
I have been posting regarding the various issues as everyone has been posting but unfortunately I am just noticing that none of my posts since the 1st of May are posting.
I don't know why..but I am trying again with this one.

Welcome @DishingOutDone. Sorry to hear about your DD and the difficulties you are experiencing. Your post about your DC staring at other kids having fun with their DF resonated with me a lot. It is so hard because you feel so bad on your DC's behalf and knowing what we know now, we wish we could re-do things.

@RoseMartha, congratulations on getting your Decree nisi. Little steps. Progress is being made. How are your parents? My heart broke to read how your STBXH is stepping up the abuse and how it is affecting your DC. I have no words for him. I send you strength and encouragement. The light is there at the end of the tunnel...it will be getting brighter and nearer each day. Stay strong.

@Tiddleypops, how are you? It is really worrying to hear he isntaking your little DS to the pub. I know it is scary to call SS...but it needs mentioning. And continue to report it to them, so they start getting a picture before it becomes necessary for them to intervene. I know it is easier said. I am sorry you have to deal with all this. Have you heard anything from your solicitor yet? Are you going to change solicitor? Sorry to hear your hubby is deteriorating. I can't start to imagine how you are coping.
Do you know you can log any incidences with 101 of him taking DS to the pub? This is just a safety measure..just incase he has DS with him on an occasion he gets drunk and is unable to care for him...so that the reaction of the police to ensure DS's safety is swifter...if that makes any sense. It will also help with SS later on if you don't want to call them now.

@user1486131602, so sorry to hear about your DS's birthday celebrations. These men can be so self-centred it boggles belief.
How are you today? Hope feeling better.

@Happierwithouthim, congratulations on your house going up for sale. Hope a sale comes through and everything in a timely manner, so you can continue on your upwards and onwards journey. Great username btw.

I hope I have said a proper hello to everyone.
I do apologise to anyone I may have not mentioned.
I am not sure if this will post. As when I post, I do get feedback that my message has posted but going through the thread, I can't see any of my postings since the 1st of May!

This month has been pretty tough for us. We have relied heavily on food banks and the kindness of friends .
I informed STBXH (thought I should give him a chance to support his children). He just laughed and said great. It works in his favour. It will help him have main custody of DC, as it shows that I am unable to care for DC.
No news from CMS. Tax credits initially supportive but now say they have overpaid me and I am owing them, based on what my employers quote I have earned in the last year. This will obviously affect housing benefits negatively.
The figure my employers supplied is wrong and I am struggling to get someone who knows what to do to correct it.
Meanwhile, I am yet to get my P60 so I can compare the figures the tax credit people are quoting with my P60. Everything is such a mess. I am worried and stressed.

My solicitors sent the divorce petition to STBXH to comment on...he informed them he is not happy with the document and is rewriting it.
I am so grateful that I decided to use what's left of my savings to go with a solicitor for the divorce. I knew that if I had to deal with him directly, it will severely tax my mental health.

I seem to be in a crisis phase but I know that things are getting better everyday. I am getting closer to when I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am crying a lot but I am also happy a lot. I generally feel hopeful even on the days I struggle to get out of bed and face what life has to offer that day..in the background I still feel hopeful.
Sending everyone , strength and hope. Lots of them.

I hope this posts

Itistimeandiamscared you have posting success! Thank you for your kind words.

I am so sorry to hear how you are struggling but amazing that you feel hopeful without him - so you're not one of those forced to still share a bed/house etc with him? How old are your DCs?

itsmeandimscared:
Hello again!
Sorry to hear of your troubles over the last month, actually, him not feeding his kids etc, will go in YOUR favour as he is LEGALLY obliged to provide...twit!
While I know it doesn’t help you now, it will.
Ask your employers for your p60, it’s due now, attach a copy to the letter regarding overpayment and return to HMRC. check on here: gov.org.uk, you do NOT have to return overpayments made by them in error! And if when the problem is sorted it is ruled you do, you have 10yrs to pay, so don’t worry. Easier said than done when the twitwits(HMRC) are involved I know, but you just need to get informed!
Call them tell them you are repaying anything until they get the figures checked!
We have all been in the crisis zone, but it will pass, and I looked at that as the cost of peace! Sorry that you’ve had to rely on others, that stinks.
mine has stopped paying for anything, his figures for a month food bill 2x teenagers £32! So I sent it back to him.
I have been waiting for my paperwork from hrmc to carry on with divorce/ court papers, although my solicitor did write to him. When I see her next I’ll be doing CMA as well and he can get stuffed!
I totally understand him doing things to pee me off, but not feeding your kids! What a ‘man’
I too suffer with MH, and struggle. All the divorce stuff to deal with and day to day usual stuff, exams, bills etc, but, without the drama and chaos he brings, it’s worth it. I hope it is for you too.
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗 til your next post!

Oops, that’s NOT repaying anyth8ng til they check the figures!

Yayyyyy!!!
I have posting success. Thank-you @DishingOutDone.
I have no idea why my PP did not post.
Thank-you @user1486131602 for the info on tax credits. That's reassuring. My worry is housing benefits, they adjust the amounts kind of immediately. They are very efficient.

We really could do without anymore cuts. As it is, this month, I haven't been able to afford to go into work.
Last year we got our P60s at the end of May. I am trying really hard not to worry.

I can't believe he thinks £32 will feed two teenagers! I have no words. So sorry you are having to deal with this sort of behaviour.

Huge huge hugs all round 🤗🤗🤗🤗

In so sorry to hear everyone is having such a hard time, abusive arseholes, financial abuse and all the knock on effects etc Ample proof (as if it's needed ) that we have made the right decisions.

This won't last forever, it's always darkest just before the dawn. Keep going, one day at a time.

Than goodness we can all come and rant!

Morning ladies
It’s my turn for a little encouragement today please.
STBXH informed DD that he’s coming home ‘for a few hours today, but don’t tell mum’ I’m both angry and anxious to the point of not being able to sleep or relax ( the whole point on his behalf, I believe)!
I’m just so emotionally drained at the moment.
I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing....he’s hasnt paid for a thing here, yet, still thinks he’s entitled to come and go as he pleases!
I know I shouldn’t just be moaning because he is staying away for most of the time which is much better all round, but, it makes my blood boil.
Secondly, why is he still putting our DD in the middle? They need peace they both have exams (plus resits, cos of the crap around here over the last 9months)
I’m so fed up.
The divorce has ground to a halt, he still hasn’t got a solicitor!

I hope that your weekends are better than the last ones, but , with the bank holiday, I suspect not!

Sending love 💕 and hugs 🤗 to you all

user1486131602 that's outrageous - but would you mind just bringing me up to speed, why does he still come and go from your house? What's the plan?

DishingOutDone
Well, he feels entitled to come back and forth. He says it’s to visit dd....no mention of ds?!
There is no plan. He has still not got a solicitor. Mine has written to him asking for financial details. He is at his sisters most of the time, but will appear here whenever!
Today he asked for the new garden furniture that I’m still paying for because he wouldn’t and bought in sale last yr! Effing cheek! He has stopped paying for everything, still took the iPad im still paying for, in my name, contract to me from ee! I could care less about the iPad but this is a man who is not paying for his kids food!
I’m going to get an appt with my solicitor next week and if STBXH hasn’t made any proper provision by then I’m going to the CSA.
I don’t mind paying for everything if he’s not allowed here. But to not know week to week is messing with my head. I’m a pretty strong person, but my emotions are all over the place I cant stop crying 😭
Just want some clarity.
Should we hide the garden furniture? I don’t want to be a dick like him but nice he’s taken it I won’t get it back, but will still ya e to pay as the agreement is in my name?
Any advice or opinions welcome at this stage!!

@user1486131602 🤗 i would ask my solicitor for advice. Sounds horrible. 🤗🤗 Has he officially moved out? Because if so he should not keep popping back uninvited. Has he still got a key?

How are the exams going? Is dd coping?

My h told me today he is not paying maintenance when he has left. Which is a load of tosh because it will be in finance order. I just ignored comment.

Thanks for well wishes for weekend. Hope yours will be good. 🤗

Not going well thus far. His moods are really unpredictable and upsetting us all. He told us he cant wait to leave. Kids told me they cant wait for him to leave either. I have no confirmation as to when this will be. But hope sooner rather than later.
Been told cant apply for UC until he is out. This, I bet will clash with summer hols 😕🙄 . So will be really skint the whole six weeks , with kids to keep amused and fed etc. And I have paid for a holiday with friends, (we split the cost. I paid them in instalments and they paid for it all outright. UK self catering). But can see friends going off paying for their kids to do stuff and mine telling me i am mean or unfair because they cant do the same. On the plus side a change of scene will be good. Will just have to brave the beach in the rain if necessary.

@Tiddleypops and @DishingOutDone and @Itistimeandiamscared

How are you all doing? 🤗