Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Aw thanks you guys, thank you for welcoming me. I saw a solicitor when she first became ill; I also told DD's psychologist I wanted to leave him (psych was pretty damning that I'd stayed this long, an opinion of me that I share ). The solicitor advised me to use her illness to get the Occupation Order, but then within weeks DD started saying how much she liked her dad, not remembering any problems etc., so I could not get the evidence I needed - the psychologist would only say what my DD wanted, not allow us all to over-ride her (new) wishes. I've read some other threads that occupation orders aren't always helpful.

I'd like to try to stay in this house; the mortgage ends in 8 years, we can't pay if off - it was always the plan to move on using the equity we had to get something a bit smaller, further out. But his pension is worth quite a bit so I was going to see if he'd go for me staying here for a few years, and him using his monthly pension to rent and his wages to live on if you see what I mean. But that would leave neither of us with access to any cash - we live pretty much day to day as it is. So we'd have just enough to live on and then if we needed more we'd have to take on more hours at our respective jobs - he retired early and now has a part time job.

In my mind its all clear and simple, but if he wants to go down the solicitor route I reckon it could get very tricky; when he retired we used his substantial lump sum to renovate the house and pay off our equally substantial debts. I think he's going to say they were my debts, and that he didn't want to renovate the house, so in effect I "stole" his lump sum.

Does anyone here have experience of a "collaborative" divorce, is it any cheaper? I am hoping to present it to him as a face saving exercise. One of his issues is that he likes everyone to think we are happy - anything bad that happens he always says "you won't say anything will you" - so I was going to offer terms of him keeping his pension, me getting a bit more equity, staying here and then selling up in a few years and a front of it being "mutual" - all as a sweetener. Not to mention less stressful for DD who still has to live here (eldest has gone to uni).

Doesn’t matter about payments or debts while you are a family, they will be treated as half each. You do have the evidence for occupation order, as the psychologist damned you for staying soo long, take that and your dr evidence of what is done to daughter and you emotionally and you have enough proof!
I have offered mine.....leave, I’ll pay all house things, you pay only for child maintenance, when they finish education ( you can stay in house til they finish education age 20 youngest one) I will sell up and give you half. No costs for divorce as wait time will be done, not cost investment for you and you have money to move on now. Answer: no, I’m staying to protect my assets! no mention of his kids!
Nothing is simple, but put it to him nicely first, if he doesn’t like that option, threaten to out him and use the EA and daughters MH A’s means of gett8ng occupation order, with police and courts involved? Maybe he will Go? But don’t bank on it!

Interesting that you have experienced putting together a good offer and it being rejected user1486. I need plan A, plan B and possibly C.

Yes, always a back up plan, and quietly too!

Anything you can do to be a sweetener, make it 'mutual' (at least on the face of it, so they can believe that they are still in charge) etc then I think that's the way to go. And definitely have a couple of other plans in the pipeline.

Urgh I'm so bloody fed up with all this now. I've just realised as well, that my solicitor hasn't been in touch as promised (by the end of last week and now another week has passed!) I meant to chase today and forgot until now. Oh well, nothing I can do now until Monday.

I've booked a couple of things in to look forward to
I'm a mess this week though! H is all over the place. I think he's going off the rails badly.

Tiddleypops!
Just concentrate on you. Those are his choices....and his consequences!
Mines come back as Ds is 18 tomorrow! Everyone had to change their plans 5 times since weds to accommodate him.......again.
Look forward not back....you’re not going that way!!
Love 💗 and hugs 🤗

I know, you are so right, thank you 💜
He has taken so much of my energy this week. It is a tough habit to break and I'm still learning how to focus on me.

Argh! That must be so annoying, everyone having to shuffle things around Happy birthday to your DS though

💐 to all

Thanks tiidleypops and weenurse.
So, he turned up changed his plans again, and bought my son a pizza to celebrate, the same as every other Friday night since he was 6!
Woke us up early and spoiled our plans to wake my son up with a celebration, then the police turn up looking for him! Everyone blames me( I don’t know why they are here? And why would I do that to my son? ) that ruins his day. STBXH decides he’s going to stay til 1pm and have a shower after cutting his hair all over the clean bathroom and clean towels. Then expects everyone to use the towels after!
So, my party for my son is ruined. No one is coming coz no one knows which day or when so that’s another great day!
And you thought you had problems!!
Can’t wait for him to FO back to his mothers! He’s not making this about him, I don’t care.
Detach, just stand back, don’t validate and Have a good weekend ladies. Love 💗 and 🤗

Why were the police looking for him?

Making it all about him, aren't they all such a bunch of self centred arse holes?!
Detach, stand back - yes, that's all you can do, don't engage with the behaviour. Way easier said than done though. Hope you have a better day today

Weenurse: I don’t know. Wasn’t allowed in the room while they were here.
Tiddlepops: today IS another day. My son is having birthday no2!
He has arranged for his friends to come over today and play dragons and dungeons, don’t ask cos I don’t know, and I’m making them all bbq and we will eat the birthday cake.
The dick sent DS a txt saying hope you had a lovely day and birthday.......what was he supposed to say to that, poor kid. And MIL put in his birthday card ‘always her for you and your sister’.....well that’s the first time you’ve shown any care/contact since Xmas eve, so I’m sure they can rely on you. And it’s his 18 bday not a political point scoring contest!
I am detached tiddleypops, those comments were a reminder for you.
So, sod em! Women doing for ourselves and by ourselves!! 😁✊️🎂

@Tiddleypops and @user1486131602 and @DishingOutDone 🤗🤗🤗

Just caught up sounds like hell for all of you. Thinking of you all.

Thankyou @Tiddleypops

Not much to report. Been difficult five days. H is going from amicable to stonewalling regularly. Tonight was dire. Minor incident with kids helping themselves to food and he refused to eat dinner. I ended up throwing his away as not something that was reheat-able. Swore at us especially at me when I asked him not to swear.

Kids know he might be moving as he made comments to room at large and confused them. So i had to explain he might move out. (as nothing formally or verbally agreed).

Have not heard from solicitor yet. When h was amicable he was talking about the bills and said would write down providers for me as he has total control over this atm.

I get the feeling he is punishing me this week. I also think that he did not think I would go through with the divorce.

On a side note I accidentally found evidence of an affair. (One of many ). Not that it matters legally as we have nisi and working towards absolute. And didnt upset me as such either. Annoyed me however, as he lied and denied all affairs even when I had proof, somehow he reckoned I imagined them all.

His true colours are shining through. The kids will be so much more settled once they do not have to live with him anymore.
You are handling him so well @RoseMartha, you are amazing.

I'm having trouble with solicitor. Mine is off sick and has been since Feb so I've been shuffled over to a different solicitor on the same team. He's just not interested. He looks bored, doesn't know anything about my case, doesn't do things he's said he's going to do. He just seems like a lazy twat and I have enough of that to deal with at home, I don't need another one dealing with my divorce! I'm tempted to change solicitor.

@Tiddleypops thank you.

Definitely insist you change solicitors. I would first see if anyone at that practice can take your case load on. If not ring around other local firms and see if you can change that way. Good luck.
Sending 🤗🤗🤗 as it it is another hassle you don't need.

Feeling really down today....tears even , that’s not me!
Please someone just tell me this is how long it takes. I just need to hear it’s gonna be ok! And I’m crying coz it just dawned on me I have no one around who can or will tell me.
Really hard to lose your best friend....even if he’s a narcissistic dick!

@user1486131602 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Sorry you are having a difficult time.
They are all twats. Why they think being abusive is ok I never know.
It is good to have a cry and let it all out. You feel drained after but a bit better if that makes sense.
It will be worth it in the end you just have to take one day at a time. I know, I am living it too and it feels it will never end. But have hope that it will and it will be better.

Things here hellish and he has upped the abusive and I feel like crying too. Kids are in tears bc of H. Makes me wants to cry and have their pain so they dont and are ok.

Hi to everyone
I'm also still in the power struggle with narcissistic ex h but some progress, house is finally up for sale this gives me hope.

RoseMartha:
Feeling a bit better today, thanks for your reply. It’s hard sometimes, because you can’t talk to the ex about being your ex? Was just feeling a bit crazy 😜 as nothing is moving and I feel that something is going on.

I’m sorry that your H is being a dick, again.
Just be a constant for your kids, they need someone to be there always. I know how hard this is, I would die for my kids and they aren’t as young as yours. As hard as it is to watch them be upset, you are doing this for them. If H chooses to be a twat and cause them further distress that’s a good reflection of who he is and also those are his choices and actions. But being a twat, I suppose he is only thinking of himself! DO THE SAME, think only of you and your kids.
Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.....
My mantra: a diamond is a lump of coal, that performed well under pressure!
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

HappierWithoutHim
Thank you for your reply, was just being a twit! I should not of started to remember the good memories! I’m better today.

Glad that things are moving on for you and looking forward to ANY progress at this end!!

Why are there so many narcassitic boys ( would like to say men, but haven’t met one yet! ) out there?
💗 and hugs 🤗

RoseMartha thank god you have your nisi already - are you selling the house you are in?

Hi how are you all?

Glad you were feeling better yesterday user1486131602
🤗 hope it is still the same now.

Happierwithouthim
Sorry to hear you are having troubles even now. 🤗

Tiddleypops

How are things? 🤗

DishingOutDone
Yes will have to be sold but need to finalise the financial agreement.

Things have been worse than ever. He kicked off last night. Swearing in our faces, mocking me, threatening me, belittling me. Kids were crying screaming. It was awful. H stormed off. I was telling kids we would leave for the night when he came back and started talking in a more rational tone but still nasty to us. I kept the kids behind me. He accused us of abusing him! I said no it is you who abuses us and the kids also told him this. He spoke more mainly threatening me more mildly. Then he apologised to kids. Later apologised to me. Kids and I still were unsettled. He never apologies ever! Was a bit of a shock to us, but he did not take responsibility for his behaviour even though apologised.

Then today after school kids kicked off and basically took their anger and frustration out on me. My turn to be in tears. Managed to have my composure by the time H got home by which time kids had apologised for swearing and carrying on. Still feel delicate now. Kids and I had hugs at bedtime and told each other that we love each other, so that was a good thing at the end of the day.

@RoseMartha oh I wish you did not have to deal with any of that.
If he is threatening you, can you call the police? Is it worth speaking to your solicitor again about a non-molestation order and an occupation order? It just feels like you are all in danger

Things here are just draining really. I'm so fed up. H is still drinking every day despite his heart disease diagnosis and threat to his job. He's back in denial mode and it's all everyone else's fault. I don't think he'll be returning to work.

I just hope his solicitor doesn't use this as leverage to delay the financial consent order. I'm sure she will though! I'm not sure what happens if she tells him not to agree to anything until his job situation is known. That could be another 3 months.

Oh, Dear girls!
DishingOutDone:
That’s sounds like my house on an ordinary day, with alcohol thrown in!
It’s ABUSE. Find out and call your local women’s aid. And start documenting what he’s sayin when he’s saying it. Threatening you is now an offence and he can be arrested for that behaviour. Speak to your solicitor well, go to the Dr and have his actions put on record. Then as tiidleypops says, apply for non molestation order, and occupancy order, this means he is not allowed, in law, to use any form of abuse, verbal or otherwise in front of you or your kids. The occupation order, gets him out and means he can’t come back to the house for certain amount of time 6-12months usually.
I’m so sorry that you have this to deal with, your kids love you and need you and like mine have learned that if they are struggling they should take it out on you. Try to look at it this way, you are thieir closet person and that’s their way of dealing with it. Tears are our eyes way of coping with what our heart can’t, let them flow.

Today is another fresh start for you. X

Tiddleypops:
They are always in denial mode that’s how you got here! It’s always someone else’s fault.....can you remember pouring the alcohol down his throat, not turning up at work for him? NO, didn’t think so.
He is the one making these choices, he has let you down, himself down, your kids down, his employer down. As my mum once said to me you can run from everyone , but not yourself. His choice, his mess.
I know how hard this is, believe me. But it’s time to do this for you. Decide. I tried to talk to mine yesterday regarding my daughter, starting shouting at me, put the phone down, sent a txt telling him I don’t have to listen to that any more please do so and so......he called DS for moral support! So, you can see they don’t and won’t make the right choices. Do something for you today even if it’s buying a cream cake!

RoseMartha:
I’m feeling stronger, I guess I just had a ‘moment’. I’m not superhuman, which is a surprise to me! It even though I waited years to finally say enough, it’s still sad to realise that things are ending and it’s a hard habit to break! Also, hadn’t refilled my happy pill prescription( which had a bit to to with it) twit!

HappierWithoutHim:
Hope things are more settled for you now.

So, ladies,
I believe we all deserve better and I know we all feel selfish doing this, but, we have all learned the hard way that no one is going to do this for us or take care of us if we don’t do it for ourselves. Baby steps, everything and everyday is bringing us closer to the finish line ....even if we can’t see it yet!😂
Love 💖 and hugs 🤗