Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@RoseMartha, have you started being seen by the service the GP referred you to?The service for anxiety and low mood?
How are you?

Hi, Everyone. How are we all doing? How has the weekend been?

Itsmeandimscared:
STBXH hasn't returned as yet.......so ok!
What about you? How are things at your end!
@RoseMartha: how are things for you? Is there anything you need?

I hope that things are at settled for you both, a peaceful home makes such a big difference doesnt it? Live ❤️ And hugs 🤗 to you both x

@user1486131602 , @Itistimeandiamscared

Hi ty for all your support.
stressful weekend. Yesterday H kicked off about potential school trips (not expensive but a little help would have been nice) and stormed out lounge refusing to contribute which left us looking at each other as to why on earth he had flipped and lost the plot. Then refused to talk to us for the rest if the evening.

Today kids been vile perhaps as a reaction to what happened the day before. I have been called all manner of names none of which were nice. Lots of telling me to shut the F up. When i made a reasonable requests eg please take your plate out to kitchen. H didnt help yesterday by swearing at me in front of them.

Feeling totally fed up and emotionally drained. Also had parent troubles on Saturday. Elderly parent who needs lots of help but refusing everything and then going to pieces and unable to cope with simple things every five minutes, and then I have to sort it out which takes me twice as long than if I had just done it in the first place, is doing my head in.

I have an appointment for the help thing my gp referred me to week after next I think. I rang social services about elderly parent issues mentioning I was struggling on top of my other issues which i explained briefly and they told me I sounded stressed and that i needed help. They sent me a form two weeks ago and i am so rushed off my feet i havent even looked at it never mind fill it in.

Hope everyone else is having ok weekends x

Oh bless you.
Please let me know if I can do anything?
And feelingly that form in! It's your gateway to the help you need as your H seems rather insensitive! 🙄Love❤️ And hugs 🤗

@RoseMartha, so good to read from you. (((hugssss))). I hope SS act fast and are able to give useful help.
When STBXH insulted me or shouted at me in DC presence, they usually started acting up afterwards which always involved some form of being rude.
Living in difficult circumstances and having the DC behave in less than excellent manner, is very trying. The only thing I can say is it would improve once things at home are better.
I am not sure you need this advice; in the meantime, don't feel bad about maintaining boundaries and insisting on good behaviour...but pick your fights. DC really need those boundaries...it makes them feel secure.
I really admire how you are coping with all this and still keeping up with work. Sending you strength.
I am only just starting to fill forms that I was given months ago. I wish I had done them sooner. If there is anyone you trust that can come over and help you start on the forms while you are doing something else...you can supply the information needed as you are getting other stuff done.

@user1486131602, when is your STBXH back? Are you both still in the same house? How are you? Any progress?

I am having a particularly stressful time. Don't know how I am going to financially survive next month...i am going to have to not pay rent to be able to afford childcare fees or pay rent but sacrifice gas n elec and groceries. Or give up work.
I literally have been unable to sleep and feel quite under the weather. I contacted CMS but he is determined not to pay a penny. So that's another month or two of wrangling. I feel so vulnerable.

@Tiddleypops, how are you getting on? Hope things at home are not getting worse?

Hugs all round. Everyone is having such a bad time
Please be strong and accept help if you can. @RoseMartha, I hope you find time to do those forms, you cannot be responsible for your parents as well as everything else as well. I am glad that you have an appointment next week.
So sorry to hear about the impact on the DC too. You must remember that none of this is your fault.

@user1486131602 how are things?

@Itistimeandiamscared I am so sorry to hear about all your extra worries on top of STBXH refusing to pay his way. I hope CMS get you something from him, and soon.

Things are not too bad here. Emotional detachment is saving me, as H is not likely to return to work any time soon, if at all. The drinking is on the up and up. His health is on the decline. He's been given a prognosis for his health issues which came as a shock. But I can't be responsible for him or for any of that anymore.

I do not know what will happen if he loses his job. I can only hope he can't somehow then force the house sale. I don't know if he will take us down with him financially. I can't worry about that now though, I can only get through today and find a way to be kind to myself.
I will be applying for the nisi this week, and have a meeting with my solicitor about the finances. The waiting is the worst part of all this. I hope everyone makes progress soon 🤗

Iamscaredanditsme:
Yes he's back!
Causing chaos and upsetting everyone, telling me he's not getting any lawyer until he's had the second fraud papers back?
The man is a looney? He said he's wants to sell the house and get me out, the kids can live with him.they don't want to, but he hasn't asked them. £32.92 intotal fromhim for the house/kids this month!
We are still in the same house, cos he's protecting his assets, not his children.
Child services contacted me yesterday, so another feather for my nest! My solicitor on Thursday to issue abuse papers! So that's it for me.
I'm sorry to hear you can't sleep, that's hard.
If you are renting,you should be entitled to housing benefit,and council tax relief, that also gives you free school meals and uniform grants for the kids, go to your local council. Apply for working child tax credits, and I'm assuming you get child benefit?
It doesn't matter that he doesn't want to pay a penny, he HAS to the law says that until your kids have finished their education ( OR age 20) whichever comes first he HAS to support them. Look on this website: gov.uk. loads of info on there!
I expected mine to make my life as difficult as possible for me but, didnt expect him to do the same for the kids. Oh! My mistake, he is a kid!
Get help for the sleeping from your dr, what about some time off so you could nap when there's no one else around?
I'm sorry that you are feeling like this, but that how he wants you to feel, he will think he has a upper hand.
Try getting things sorted, I know how hard it can be whe the tank is empty! I have had a few meltdowns myself, but, making decisions and getting my money sorted out ( at least in my head) made me feel stronger and more in control!
One day at a time. Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️

Tiddleypops:
It the same here!
He won't engage a solicitor, won't pay any bills and won't leave!
I have now reverted to acting exactly as he is. So Thursday for solicitor then sign abuse papers.
He thinks he's gonna get me out, and the kids will live with him.
Or he's gonna sell the house from under us! He's illnesses and abuse has been what's got us here. He is now not paying for anything except the mortgage and loan, but he made himself responsible for those by taking over the payments last month!
You are right: you are NOT responsible for any of his choice or actions. As horrid as it is if he does make you all loose everything he will have opened the gate for social housing, which you will not be entitled to if you make yourself homeless ( sell that house, can't afford anywhere else) Mine is drinking something every day, not my problem anymore!
It's odd, since my head and heart have left, I'm calm. I've come to realise that I can't control this situation so am going with the flow for now, path of least resistance is my new mantra!
I hope you can at least find some peace in your situation x
Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗

Just wondering out loud:
Who raises all these idiots that we marry? Or are we the idiots? 😜🙄

I have wondered that too @user1486131602!
The more time goes on, the more I realise that my H's upbringing probably has a lot to do with his expectations. He's literally on the exact same path as his dad, and so I guess his treatment of me must be the equivalent of his dad's treatment of his mum??! She and I are very different people in many ways but I bet if I ever had a frank discussion about what happened in her marriage, it would have many similar themes!

My MIL. Is not any help at all. She just cosseted her 48 yr old! And justifies everything he does! She has had no regard for the grandkids at all. Just her son!
Blood is thicker than water, and the apple does fall far from the tree!

They are most welcome to each other, so long asI don't have to deal with either of them, I'm happy!
I have no hatred for either of them, they are not that important!
I have brought my so. Up to be polite, and well mannered and a grown up gent. If he ever treates anyone the way STBXH is treating me/us then he had better watch out!

Sending a big 🤗🤗🤗 to everyone. Thank you all. I think i need to take my own advice about one day at a time. Kids horrendous yesterday bit better today. H has been mixed goes from not talking to being friendly to yelling and swearing 🤔🙄 in space of five mins.

@user1486131602
My in laws havent contacted or spoken to me since this started and I doubt they ever will again unless necessary for the dc. Removed me as a friend from all their SM accounts.

@user1486131602 i hope he engages a solicitor soon for all your sakes. My H also refused to engage one for the first three months. Made it as difficult as possible. Do you both own the house? Or is it in his sole name. My H also gave same threats but because we jointly own it it was not going to happen.

@Itistimeandiamscared I hope you can manage financially next month. I have been over thinking money worries all day. Its a nightmare isnt it?

@Tiddleypops
good news things have moved forward slightly.
and you can apply for the nisi.

Thank you all. Looked forms out my household paperwork. Will try and attempt filling them in tomorrow as I think I am going to be spending some of my day avoiding going home and sitting in the car, when not running errands for parents.
Saw solicitor. I think we have more or less agreed the financial. Still have to respond but I think things will finally start to move forward. Still to agree contact have not heard anything for seven months when i last responded. Solicitor suggested it could be final (including moving by winter this year).

Spent the afternoon worrying about money. Although I did online benefit check some time back you still dont know or believe that you will get the amount they suggest you will. From the time he leaves which roughly looks like end of June dependent on him co operating, until I can hopefully get the UC, I will barely have enough to cover basic outgoings and I did not include in the outgoings things like clothes, shoes, birthdays etc, emergencies ie flat tyre or prescriptions or days out or

legal bills or other moving house bills as there is not enough coming in 😕.

Then today had more elderly parent issues. They made it worse by saying oh you have enough to worry about without us making your life difficult. Then proceeded to make my life difficult. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Definitely one day at a time @RoseMartha. It makes things more manageable. Let yesterday go, and today, try and do something that is being extra kind to yourself, a bath, some chocolate, a 10 minute walk out while you park everything else
You are doing everything right, and the way will become clear. Keep on, keeping on.

Sending you strength. The end of June for him moving out is not that long away now, so everything crossed here. If you are not in the same house, at least you will not have to deal with the constant mood changes. You will be able to close the door every evening and park anything to do with him.
I really hope you get some help with your parents soon too .

Yesterday I signed the nisi application and it felt good to have made that progress, even though now we are back to waiting!
I have also discussed a financial proposal with my solicitor and that should go off to his solicitor next week.
I am sure it will be refused, but at least it's a starting point.
My sol said that his sol will probably advise him to not agree to anything until his job situation is clear. However if he loses his job, a lump sum may not be in his benefit because he'll be expected to live off that instead of receiving benefits. Anyway - it is what it is, one day at a time The way will become clear.

RoseMartha:
I removed all of my i laws as they were using that to retaliate!
You really need to check on your financial situation regarding benefits etc. As soon as I was separated I claimed, and was given, benefits although still sharing house!
Tiddleypops was right, take a walk or even go to McDonald's for a coffee 79p and fill the forms out there!
Do t you have any siblings/ family that could help with the parents? Can't they have social care? If they can afford to pay for help, why are t they? If you are doing it all for them, perhaps they could offer you a payment?
As soon as mine caused chaos he went back to his sisters! Solicitor for me tomo and then the chips fall where they may! ( abuse arrest conviction means he'll loose his job!)
He has at NO time expressed any care for our kids, only said if they live with you, you can provide for them! Wrong!
So, love❤️ And hugs 🤗 one day at a time xx

I’m in that boat I thought we were ok and after telling me she wants a divorce she then says I haven’t given her enough affection and haven’t listened to her not for the first time .

Hello ladies.
I hope that you have all had some peace this weekend. Yes, I believe we are all married to the same self entitled narcassist!
Mine came home yesterday ...to collect his coffee machine, have a shower and cut his hair?😲
At least we had a 3 min chat that ended with: I will do what right for the kids if they send their exam dates I will stay away rather than upset them, if you don't tell people I'm not living here!

How can this be about you?
So, he is at his mothers drinking etc doing nothing with his kids, with no responsibilities again. How?
Because his family are his enablers, he isn't even paying the bills, food or Child Maintenance anymore.....he gave me £32.92 this month for all of it! Which I promptly refunded! ( don't ask ) the law says coz he's on the mortgage he came and go as he pleases, why I don't know, im divorcing him and I'm paying for everything myself, all of which, except the mortgage, is in my name.
But, here's the kicker, it's worth it! I do t have to deal with him, his drama, his mother etc...
So, as hard as it is"......please find time for peace. I understand that you are all overthinking things and feeling frantic, that is how they want you to feel, they can take advantage of that. Do whatever it takes to 'restore' you then try to deal with one thing at a time. Do what's right for you.
Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗 to you all x

@user1486131602 🤗🤗🤗🤗 sorry you are having a bad time. Hope tomorrow is better x

You are right about how they are making us feel. H only threw comments into the room at large on Wed and Thur which dc did not understand and confused them. Fri and Sat behaved normally. Ok today until this evening then had a go at me shouted in my face and started swearing bc dd would not get in bath. Now not talking to any of us again. Makes me feel on edge, i dont know whats coming next. (Of course it was like this before I said it was over but far more frequent and aggressive now).

RoseMartha:
That's what narcissists do! Anything to undermine you and control the situation.
I'm so sorry he being like that, the pit of my stomach churned as you described his behaviour, it could've been here.

Just try to keep your kids In a routine,and you as normal as possible, they need that, and to some degree so do you! Things will get better, once he accepts that you are divorcing him, he will have to face things. U til then, it's just riding the demon, I'm afraid!!
Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗

@RoseMartha keep on keeping on
Is there any progress? I'm willing things to go faster for you. I know he'll stall and drag things out as long as possible, but he can't do that forever. You are very strong, you are doing the right thing for your DC. You are a fantastic mother and when they are adults you'll be able to look them in the eye knowing you did all this for them. They'll know it too.

My H is starting to spiral downwards. He's probably going to lose his job, he's been told he must stop drinking because he has alcohol related heart disease, yet he is still drinking every day. He's gone from being angry and vile towards me, to being pitiful and clingy. In some ways it was easier to remain detached when he's angry!
I've no idea what will happen next, the divorce is slowly trickling along but he is still clinging onto some sort of fantasy where I give him a big deposit to put towards a new house. He would never get a mortgage, even if I could produce tens of thousands of pounds out of thin air.

One day at a time

Tiddleypops
Sorry to hear about the hubby and his drinking. Please try to remember you are a kind soul and he knows that, that’s why he’s being clingy. Also, his drinking and that leading to losing his job are his choices, not yours. You must take care of yourself, one day at a time, and one thing at a time. That’s how I’m trying to manage! You have to remain detached, it’s hard when you have to watch someone you loved destroy themselves in front of you, I know. But, there should be more to our lives than just caring for someone else.
I don’t feel hatred for mine, still love and it’s hard to loose my best friend as well but, I can’t and won’t live like that anymore. We will all be a long time dead, so I need to live what’s left of my life with love and peace, if that’s alone, then so be it.
Since I’m 55 there not too much time left and I have been ‘taking care of someone or another ‘ since I was 10.
I was looking forward to when my kids when to uni etc to have a different life, I would have been celebrating 20+ years of marriage with a blessing this summer, but is sure going to be different now, the divorce could be final by then, and all because STBXH wasn’t prepared to take care of his illness or me!
Not complaining, just explaining! And as the saying goes:
Change is different not difficult!
Sending love 💗 and hugs 🤗

You are right @user1486131602. I know there's nothing I can do to help him or fix him. In fact divorcing him and allowing him to deal with things on his own is probably the kindest thing I can do for him, even though it feels all upside down.
You have a wonderful life to look forward to now, even though, as you say, it wasn't quite what you had planned. Time to make new exciting plans instead

I am definitely doing better in myself these days I'm starting to look forward to the future and all it will bring. I just wish he would bloody move out!

I'm very late to this party; can I still come in?!

I am trying to plan when to tell H to leave, and I reckon he won't leave - he's never done anything wrong, what has he ever done to me eh? I am worried reading some of the accounts on here; my youngest DD is 16 and has MH issues - she wouldn't be able to cope with the awful situations you are describing here, but her plan to manage it would be for me to sort it out. Let him stay. She knows we don't "get on" but unlike my older daughter she won't acknowledge what an utter bastard he's been to me; she used to but when she had the breakdown she started saying she didn't ever remember him screaming and shouting at me. In fact he only stopped screaming and shouting at her too, when she became extremely unwell. I was going to use his behaviour around her illness to get an occupation order, but then he must have got savvy that he'd be out if he carried on so he stopped involving her, now just takes it out on me.

I think the first thing he would do is leave his job so that he couldn't afford a rental - I haven't read all of both threads but I bet there is someone on here who has been in that position?

Hi @DishingOutDone, welcome

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and her issues. Can't help but think that she would be a lot happier and more able to heal without him being in the same house If she can't remember the screaming it's probably because she's shut down those memories to protect herself.
What a difficult situation.

Have you seen a solicitor? Might be worth getting a legal perspective on this.

@dishinoutdone: welcome!
Contact women’s aid n your area, they can offer help and advice.
Emotional Abuse is now taken as seriously as any other form. Get a solicitor with the help of women’s aid. An occupation order can still be gotten if he’s shouting at you, that’s still affecting you all.
The process is not quick!

If he chooses not to go that’s his choice, but, once you have told him you are getting a divorce ( I waited to say anything until I had sign the papers) you no longer have to put up with his behaviour...and vocalise that.
If he chooses to leave his job, that’s his choice, but he will still have to leave if you get the order and will have nothing to support himself on
And will still have to pay support for his children from his benefits!
Try to detach yourself emotionally from him. That’s the key.
Explain to your kids what and why you are doing this, I also gave m8 e the choice of who and where they would like to live (if yours are old enough). Get all 8nfor and paperwork together BEFORE you say a word as you’ll need these to apply for a divorce, his NI number particularly, seperte your bank account and money too as soon as you say those words .....he will turn 8nto an ass!
I’m sorry to hear that you also are having troubles, but we are here whenever and for whatever.no judgement.
Take your time, make sure you have things right for you.
Love 💗 and hugs 🤗