Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@Tiddleypops sending big hug 🤗

They almost sound same man except mine is not an alcoholic. And he claims he cant afford to rent anything (but mortgage he is getting on flat after divorce will be same as rent on small flat) nor will he do short term house share with a stranger, personally I think that would be better than house sharing with us.
Less stress all round.

Have the things agreed in mediation been legally agreed?

No further still on financial arrangements currently waiting on reply from his solicitors. Contact wise also waiting on reply from his solicitors they have been stalling with that for six months!

Ha! Yes same here "I can't afford to move out".... But the bills will be the same so how does that work then 🤔 And it would be so much better for everyone wouldn't it?

The agreements in mediation are not legally binding. But still, they are documented. If I have to go to court at a later date (ie if he starts drinking more so I have to step in to protect DS), then we have to prove we've been to mediation anyway, so it will be beneficial that we've already been and our agreements are all documented.

I can't believe your H has managed to stall for so long, what a nightmare. And leaving you not knowing where you'll live or what you might be able to afford, it's just all a massive extra worry. You are very brave though and your strength shines through Freedom awaits and in the meantime, one day at a time.

We are yet to sort finances. I have supported us financially throughout our relationship, he's put very little in (not justified, he earns a lot more than me!) Yet he's trying to get as much as he can. His arguments are just ridiculous over this.
I'm really lucky that I earn a reasonable amount, and it's unlikely that I'll have to sell the house. Thankfully it's all in my name already.
Giving him anything, given the financial abuse he's subjected me to will be painful, but if it gets this over and done with, I'm prepared to be skint forever!

Hi, everyone.
Sorry I have been absent for a while. How are we all coping with the school holidays?
@RoseMartha, really sorry to hear how things are. And because you have children, it is difficult to ignore dirty dishes etc. One day at a time as you are already doing, is a good idea. I slept on the floor or sofa or any spare room or childrens room for years...years..i had no fixed sleeping place. I can never forget the first night in my own bed. It had been almost a decade or more than actually...
I send you strength and encouragement...you will have a bed again. Hopefully, not too far off.
@Tiddleypops, glad to hear the divorce is proceeding. That's something. So sorry things are so hard.
@CF43, sending you strength. He sounds very difficult and very entitled. There is a light at the end if the tunnel...hang in there.
@iamthrough, lovely update. Wishing you a very lovely life. Looking forward to when I would be through too.
@happierwithouthim, you are so right every situation is different. How are you doing? So sorry to hear about how he messed up the mediation for you both.
@Queazy, hello. Are you both still in counselling? There was almost no intimacy in my marriage too for it's entirety. Intimacy was withheld until I could be a proper wife. We had years of counselling to no avail. Wish I had been strong enough to call it off instead of wasting all that time, money, energy, emotion, effort etc.

I am not sure things have progressed with me really but I have been working on myself. I have been getting stronger and more confident. STBXH is still not supporting the DC financially and I still haven't built up the courage to take it up officially. I found myself having to use a foodbank. I got home and cried. I know if I had been stronger I would not be in this terrible situation I am in now. I blame my myself. I know I am a coward when it comes to standing up to him. I can't understand why I am so scared of him now. He is no longer in the house. I mean, what can he do now? I know he can take the kids and not return them. He is their father and has PR and we have no child arrangements order. STBXH has threatened a couple of times in the past to take the DC. I can't prove it. It was verbal. But would he really? STBXH sees any standing up I do for myself as a challenge to him and he comes 10 times harder at me. He is such a smart man and I don't feel I can match him.
I am getting more confident though. I am starting to tell STBXH's family a few things and I don't care if they believe me or not. Next step is to get some support for the DC from him. Then get on to sorting other things.
I am seriously practising one day at a time and doing a lot of headspace

@Itistimeandiamscared hi sounds frustrating and hard even now.
Thank for your encouragement especially regarding the bed situation. That was hard going for you when you didnt have one.

I know I will be like you in the fact it will still be a struggle to stand up to him when divorce final as no doubt will be contact issues with dc.

@Tiddleypops how are things?
Glad you will probably be able to keep the house. That will be a massive relief if you can.

He was in a bad mood when we got home this afternoon. Only grunts in response to me asking questions regarding his dinner, which I made for him. Or snapped my head off when the phone tang and it was for me. He lost the plot tonight with me over something trivial which was actually nothing to do with me, but he made it my fault. And accused me and kids of ganging up against him. Of which we have not done . I didnt bother saying much just let him rant and rave as could not get a word in edgewise anyway. Unsettled kids though who could not understand why he flew off handle. Took long time for me to settle them again.

My solicitor is on holiday so no doubt this will be my fault that my response will be delayed by about 10 days.

I thought the final living situation should be in kids best interests. He has decided that dc special needs are not enough to mean extra consideration is needed. 😕

Sending everyone 🤗🤗🤗

Hi @Itistimeandiamscared you are doing so well, you have come so far. I know what you mean about standing up to them and them coming down ten times harder. It's almost not worth the effort, the backlash is so out of proportion You are doing everything right though, you really are. One day at a time, working on yourself, healing yourself 🤗 This is what the DC will see, you are a fantastic role model.

@RoseMartha, urgh, he is so utterly vile The poor DC and poor you. Maybe next time you should put something yucky in his dinner then watch him eat it You are so brave, keep going, one day at a time. I hope we get some lovely weather in the holidays so you can take some time away from the house with the DC

Nothing really to report here. H is being very friendly, acting as though nothing is even happening! It's disconcerting.
He has been off work sick (alcohol related heart disease) for months now, so he's always at home which is stifling. He's on sick pay but still spending - living off his credit cards (and me) so I'm dreading the impact this is going to have on our settlement, it will be a million times worse if he loses his job which I strongly suspect he will.

He doesn't really see anyone else most days, so that is becoming really claustrophobic. I dread coming home from work. I can't quite describe it, but he's intense. I suppose because he's effectively shut out all other human contact, we get all of it. It's very sad for him, and the drinking is inevitably on the increase. I just wish he was out of the house.

Good luck for the Bank Holiday weekend everyone 🤗

Thank you tiddley you too. 🤗
H is now off all bank holiday weekend. Sometimes he works. Not this year though. 😕😕

Have a lovely Easter everyone.

Dropped DC off at their father's. Had a lovely walk in the park. Met lots of people I know...so only spent the first maybe 5..10mins in lovely quiet solitude. The rest of the time was chatting and laughing. Yes...laughing. I was really appreciating the lovely weather. I said to myself today you will be happy, today you will be grateful for every positive thing today.
So even his refusing to speak to me or even acknowledge me when I dropped off the kids, just slid off my back (wish it could be like that all the time though).
I had a lovely morning. And I found joy in little things...the greenest of the grass, the little glints of diamonds where the sun shines and reflects, the colourful flowers blooming, all the time I have to indulge myself today....i apologise if I am sounding worryingly ecstatic.
I have good days and bad days. Today I am having a good day and I want to really enjoy it.
@RoseMartha, you are such a strong person. And you are still looking for him! Honestly, he would only know what he has lost when it is too late. You are a lovely person...and I don't even know you. But I can tell.
@Tiddleypops, I know it is a worry knowing he is running up credit and living off you. I am so sorry. I understand the dread of coming from work or wherever. I can only say hang in there. It will not be forever. You are doing so well..keeping up with work and everything else in such horrible circumstances.

I hope we all find little joys around us during this Easter.xxx

@Itistimeandiamscared absolutely grinning reading about your day and how you were able to really appreciate everything. What fantastic progress You are gaining strength and freedom bit by bit, and the world is there, drawing you back in.
I have this week off and although I will not be able to escape to work, I've made lots of plans with DS. I think it will be a good week

@Itistimeandiamscared loved your post, sorry guys been absent from thread.

My dc are with their dad now & dds birthday party is this afternoon & they'll be with me from after that until mon eve when they'll go to his until fri eve, longest period of time I've ever been apart from either of them. I'll be busy with work & getting house ready for auctioneer to take photos on thurs.

I also found the joy in today, I was up at 4.30 taking au pair to bus and came back home to bed after, got up had shower went to work for a few minutes & got my car washed & now home for lunch & get ready for dds party.
Great to have freedom to do these things without dc in tow, I never had that support/option in my marriage if I wasn't working dc were with me & my responsibility

@Happierwithouthim, so happy to hear you found lite joys in today. Just reading that made me happy for you.
I totally get you...it was the same with me. I always..always had DC with me. They were my responsibility. STBXH won't get home from work so we could all eat dinner together - he has to work till 10pm..11pm..12midnight.
He would not agree to holidays because he has to work. He would not spend the weekends with DC & I because he works (so sleeps or visit his friends or does he own thing that DC are not allowed to disturb him..things he can't do during the week because he is working) or he has to go to work.
But now, 5:30pm on the dot, he is walking up to his front door back from work. He works from home 2 days a week.
According to him, the children are going to mainly live with him because he can show that he works from home and he finishes work at 5pm and is home at 5:30pm everyday.
I must say I enjoy looking after my DC and always having them with me did not hamper me from doing things. I just made it work. And they loved coming to things and doing things with me. I loved it too. It just meant things like adult girlie night-ins, spa breaks, late night cinema etc were a NO. But now, I am enjoying knowing that they are all possibilities. Now. Soon.

@Tiddleypops, I hope you do have a lovely week. I know how constraining having that constant presence of someone causing you lots of hurt and stress can be.

Lovely weather today

Mine is one of those entitled.......narcacissts!
I filed my divorce petition in February, he's refusing to see a solicitor as it's going to cost him£200 an hour!
I have been able to prove EA, PA, VA. I have prepared papers for occupation order and non molestation order.
Still I have made him an offer if he leaves and solely provides for his kids CMS, until they finish education, then sell up, settle up....probably with nothing! I will withdraw the abuse to make it easier on kids and his pocket!
Still not going, or getting a solicitor.
He has told me that I'm not as intelligent as him! ( if you think so!), he is going to sell the house and get another mortgage, but since the kids are living with me I have to provide for them, he doesn't!
He is asking me to provide info & papers etc for him to use in his defence, no! Not your mother! I don't have to do this anymore!
Funny how you go off people isn't it!?! 🙄😆

Hi @user1486131602.
Welcome to the group.

STBXH has been raised in this deep rooted way where the man is master and lord. He has this toxic masculinity thing going on and is abusive. Yours is going to have to support the children especially if they are not going to be living with him.
Sorry you are going through this difficult time.
Here's wishing you some progress soon.

@Itistimeandiamscared, it's funny how they are suddenly interested in their kids isn't it? Suddenly able to make time for them, pretend as though the DC are the priority, when up to now they have actively avoided it!
We too couldn't easily arrange holidays or time together as a family, there were always excuses. Yet now, every time I turn my back he's trying to get DS attention and impress him with ideas of things they can do together.

I guess it will all be short lived. They have something to prove to us evil wicked women 🙄(whatever), but the novelty will soon wear off.

My H too, has ingrained beliefs that come from childhood. I do not know a lot about what his parents were like as parents, but his dad was an alcoholic so I imagine things were very similar.

I just want this to be over. I'm a glass half full kind of person, but sometimes being positive takes a lot of effort!

@user1486131602 welcome

Sounds like your H will be his own downfall. Just leave him to it, it's not your problem. Keep going, keep doing all the right things. If he chooses not to engage with this or seek the services he needs, well, that's his luck out.

Thanks for letting me join in:
Tiddleypops: my ex has never been to a parents eve, dentist, school play, taught them to ride a bike or put said bike together as he was too busy working, drinking or at the gym!
Since Feb 19 he has spoken or txt the kids each day and now thinks he's father of the year! He has been 'buying' DD affection with things, she has asked to live with me. So, I guess that's not working.
He was not able to speak to me without using swear words yesterday but did manage to tell me 'you spoke volumes last night so just F O, I haven't slept and have a job so F O' this is after waking me up for a chat at midnight cos he wanted me to find and give him paperwork for his defence!
I'm so over this. I want it done already, but, if hes doesn't get a solicitor it could mean 5 more yrs of living like this & Im not sure me or the kids could cope with that.
Thank you both for the encouragement.

@Demented 101 same boat as you. Even in the same home it's hard.

@user1486131602 if he doesn't get a solicitor you surely can keep pressing forward? He can't stop the divorce by ignoring it. It's horrible though isn't it? Why do they have to make it so much harder than it needs to be.
Everyone I've ever known who's separated, they've separated and got on with it. That my H would be a total arse hole about it, came as quite a shock to me!

Tiddleypops:
I can and will press ahead, I have the evidence to use EA&VA to get him out but wanted to give him the chance to go and make it easy on the kids. I have an appt with my solicitor next week and if he hasn't got a lawyer by then, well tough!
I really don't think he believes I am divorcing him!
He has been listening to his family (who are the oracle, of course!) and believes he can get me out ( you don't know how vulnerable you are) and walk away with a deposit for a new house and without supporting our kids( if they live with you I don't have to support them, you do!).
As you said, he is a jackass behaving like an arsehole.
Who never apologises, cos he's never wrong. And discusses everything with his mother...and I mean everything! Then tells me what she thinks I should do!
Because my parents divorced, bitterly, when I was a child, we had had a conversation before we married where I had made it clear that should we ever split OUR priority should be the kids.....my mistake I forgot you were one!
I think the fact he asked me to find and gather info and paperwork for his defence speaks volumes......and this is how our marriage has been.
Time to do for myself and my kids..show us how life should be and can be!

OMG!!! @user1486131602, SNAP.
STBXH's mom was the 2nd person in the marriage between him and myself. I was the 3rd person. His parents went through a bitter separation...very toxic...very very very toxic. And his family have always been the best, they do no wrong, his mom is the oracle, he is never wrong, he never apologises. His mom has now moved in with him even though she has her own massive house. And is the owner of three other properties.

I was yelled at, insulted and ignored if I didn't do as he (aka his mum) wanted..even down to what I should feed DC.
TBH, it is well worth it to never suffer abuse from him again and never have to have her in my life per se to be going through this hell of separation right now.

@Tiddleypops, Ditto! Everyone that I know or have known personally that have separated/divorced have always just got on with stuff and been straightforward with making arrangements for DC and sharing of assets.
I keep hoping that it will turn out the same with me but if I am being honest, I fear it will be otherwise.

@RoseMartha, how are you? How are things with you all?

Itsmeandimscared: tiddleypops:
I just want peace I have spent our married life being both mum and dad to our dc and to dh. I am asking for nothing. I just don't want (can't) live like this anymore.
I don't hate him or her, they are not that important.
Neither are their opinions.
The next time DH is ill, all will be revealed, cos I won't be there to mop up all the crap him and his illness brings to our lives. Let's see how his mum copes with that. I am done. I don't like the chaos divorce brings but if that's what it takes to be free....so be it.
I had a flat, fully furnished, a new car and 3 jobs when I met him. I did it then I can do it again.
I am not too far into the process yet, so I know the road is going to be long and hard but right now I'm strong and calm, I wish you the same x

Hi @user1486131602 you will get there. Just a step at a time. Unfortunately the stbex's on this thread all seem to be utter twats and stalling and making things difficult every five minutes.

@Tiddleypops How are you?

@Itistimeandiamscared How are you?

Thanks about asking after me. No news but seeing solicitor next week who has just sent me another bill and increased their fees.😕. Cost is so far double the amount they quoted as he is being difficult. Somehow i have to fund moving costs yet. And the kids and i are going on holiday with some friends to reduce the cost but i need to pay my part of the balance. (Cheapish uk holiday). hoping to do very cheap days out when there.
Meanwhile still in melting pot of horror. Kids have been behaving terribly which i think is partly due to melting pot but also puberty.
Trouble with ill and elderly parents and I feel I cant take much more tbh.

@RoseMartha, I can imagine how you are feeling. Please, hang in there. Sometimes it all feels too much and it is a massive struggle to keep positive.
I know having the children on less than sterling behaviour can really make a bad situation feel like the very worse.
I am sending you strength (and hugs). Please, lean on us in any way possible.

Some weeks back, DM was very ill and unable to mobilize...she couldn't even shower herself if placed in the shower. My DS was poorly and back in hospital for yet another op to remove yet another re-emergence of a cancerous growth. At every turn...every 5mins (it seemed like it) DC were very loud and verbose about how wonderful STBXH is. Of course he is, he took them to Legoland and a Disney shop and spent a small fortune. It was practically anything they pointed at that they wanted for their new room at his place. But he would not pay maintainance. It was just too much. There were many times I thought I was going to actually physically break. Each morning I would be amazed and upset that I was still here.
It is still too much but I am starting to be proud that I am handling stuff. Now each night, I think, yep..good job..you survived another day.

Please, @RoseMartha, if there is any way or anything we can do to help you get through this time.

*@RoseMartha
I don't know where you are, I'm in wales. If there is anything I can do for you personally please let me know.
Seeing your post reminded me that there is always someone with more to carry......and perhaps I'm feeling sorry for myself!🙄
I know how hard it is when the kids play, daily arguments with the DD if she had any contact fromSTBXH, in the last year we have had to deal with a death, a complete nervous breakdown, kids cocking up exams with all that's going on, me hitting menopause, DD teenager and now the divorce, it can seem never ending can't it!?
Are you getting any help from the McMillan charity for your son, yourself and wider problems, they dont only offer help for adults with cancer, they seemed so helpful with the FIL? Respite care, in home care for your son, checking on your mum, a cuppa for you, just someone to chat to. Please contact them.
OMG, your kids have a warrior for a mother!
The fact that you manage another day, each day, is totally AMAZING!! And don't ever forget that. The totally amazing dad thing will soon wear off, like when he changes his plans or won't be there! They will see thru it. I know, as my parents divorced when I was young. Just be kind to yourself and understand that their behaviour is their way of working things out, it's not directed at you, it's just in front of you!!!
Please, please let me know what I can do!
Love❤️
And hugs 🤗

Hi, @RoseMartha, how are things today? How are you feeling?