Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Can I join......I'm 46 -asked my husband to leave in June Ndhust starting to try and complete financial disclosures form. We have reached a verbal agreement on finance but I'm worried I will submit forms and they will get rejected. I have no idea whether I can start remortgage now or I should wait until financial agreements is sorted. Trying to do as much myself as I can to avoid fees.

Its been up and down. My DH is on holiday with his new girlfriend since boxing day and having no communication with kids. He is also out on NYE, this is the man who never went out. Kids don't know about his OW yet (she was a friend and babysitter of the kids). Kids fine but I have them all of the time and Im unable to work as Im seriously ill for now, will get better. He says he can't afford to pay for stuff yet can afford to take his GF away! Trying not to think about it or that I might lose the house next year etc. Life. Hopefully 2019 will get better!

Yes, they always have money for OW but not kids!

Mine was also up & down. To my surprise he was upbeat & did Christmas Eve & Day without any strops or sulks - there was what I thought was the start of one when I said I’d sleep in the same bed as him on Christmas Eve ‘as it was Christmas ‘ ( I know, I don’t really know why as we’ve been in separate rooms for a few weeks) but then didn’t bite when he clearly thought his luck was in on Christmas morning.

So the two days went well but Christmas Day night I said I’d be in the spare room - esp as I’d had very little sleep the previous night due to his snoring & my overthinking! He was clearly huffy & off the next morning. I tried to explain my reasons & that since he’d mentioned divorce (although now says he didn’t mean it - it was because I brought the past up in the context of how we ensure he doesn’t revert to past behaviours) I cant just snap back to dtd etc. He says why am I going over the same stuff all the time.

We went to the sales with the DDs & he was uncommunicative with me, went to other shops than me etc. I cried in the car home but not sure if he saw (DD noticed in back). Later he said he hadnt been off at all to the point I was questioning if Im overthinking again?? DD was upset that night that she’d been hopeful after the two good days but now we were back to bad times. She went to speak to him about it & I overheard him saying he’d had a good couple of days too but then ‘Mum has kicked off this morning’. It was all horrible as I made it clear I heard that.

Now sitting here in confusion again wondering if I am not giving this enough of a chance. He says only time will show he can change as he can’t explain to me how he will manage his behaviour but age is not on my side!

Hi Midnight. I’m 52 with 13 and 19 yr old. Telling them of split next week. I too am full of emotions. I think I’m really anxious about the process going forward, and although amicable, I think my STBXH is going to be toxic re money. Sending you all strength.. I’m going to post separately asking about finances. Remember we can all be either cat ladies, which is ok, or we may actually end up with someone wonderful for longer than we’ve been married (15 years for me). In fact I will now refer to my ex H as my starter Husband! xx

13 and 10 year old- not 19

Mango- it will never be his fault!! My DH and I are splitting because of his drinking and intimidating behaviour when drunk, but he seems to be overlooking that and it’s now mutual- he is snappy and curt with me in front of the kids but he’s never out of order. I need to find my lion again and roar a bit but I have to play the long game(financially). Of course we think- not overthink - he’s putting you down... a pal told me that in a game of tennis, if you don’t return the ball that’s served to you, it goes past and there’s no game. I’m trying that...

FVFrog- I believe lawyers are supposed to give a free initial 30 min consultation- I saw one and was there for almost an hour, she said she didn’t want me leaving if I still have questions- it might be worth ringing round rather than paying £120 that you don’t have to.. if you do, have a very clear picture of the questions you want to ask.

we we have had melt downs for the past 3 days over stupid things.
Him being off work until 2nd Jan is tough for all of us.
Countin down the days now until
Decree Nisi
Decree Absolute
Consent order
House move etc
Not all in that order hopefully but despite everything he still doeant get why Im divorcing him.
He wont accept that its his behaviour thats driven me away.
Guess thats his problem but makes this time of year really hard work.
I feel for all of you that are just starting out on this journey and can only say hamg in there. you will get through it and Im a great believer in the old saying "What doeant kill us makes us stronger"

@Stumps66 - thank you. It’s so hard to keep sight of that sometimes & not falll back into the ingrained ‘is it me ?’ mentality.

After a full day out yesterday with DDs visiting his family, he came home & went out for a swim to ‘give me space’. 3hrs later he came back just as I was about to go to bed.

I think I need to end it but he’s making me say it. I’m just so scared about impact on my girls, cost of solicitor & living on a small income in a tiny house (sorry I know that sounds really shallow).

Good luck to all you other braver ladies. I admire you & aspire to be like you.

46. Was OK for a couple of weeks but now feeling very low. Left wondering what the point of the last 20 years was and what is the point of life. Struggling with all aspects of my life now: children, my job and myself post dh. Felt like just wanted to disappear today.

It must be the day for it nostaples........I was very like that yesterday, made myself busy today but was a little low late afternoon today......

At 46, you've got so much life to live in front of you, you might not see it right now, but it's there....there should be an emoji for hugs ~ }}}HUGS{{{

@nostaples @lovealab
You are bound to feel low and sad from time to time. What sort of people would you be if you could brush off 20 years of your past adult life and it would be foolish to disregard your fears for the next 20.
As stated you've still got so much living to do. Don't fight the low bits. Go with them. Let them pass. They will. Stay strong. 🙂

Thank you so much @lovealab and @Ivebeenbetter my parents have been very supportive although I feel so guilty that I'm burdening them with all of this at a time when I would like to be supporting them, but am pretty isolated otherwise. Stbexdh's whole family unfriended me the minute they found out we'd split up which has added to my sense that those 20 years have meant nothing to him and them. Meanwhile he's living it up living the life of a 20 year old, going out with a different woman each week and out with new mates to the pub.

@lovealab
My stbxh had a huge family which, over the years had become mine. Despite the fact it was his totally unreasonable behaviour that broke us, not one of them so much as empathised with me. He openly admits it was his doing but it makes no difference. I'm still super angry about that part. One day I will put the record straight.
Surround yourself with plenty of friends. Don't ever feel needy. Nobody knows what's round the corner. They may find themselves calling in you for support one day. Chin up. 😌

Mango88, you are getting your strength now, you have started the process by posting here- is it because you know really what you have to do? Think forward a year to your new space, both in your head and your little home for you and DD(v. important word- home not house)- how does that look and feel? That’ll give you your answer. I’m not strong, I’m sh*tting it about talking finances with stbxh, but you are all helping me stiffen my spine. I will be a better mum to my kids if I am relaxed, happy and not cowed. I will set them an example about my expectations of a relationship using the words ‘I felt uncomfortable, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t enjoy...’ rather than say your Dad was a drunken man and made me feel etc. No blame, let the kids retain their adoration of their Dad, but allow them to process what good aspirations are for a relationship and what is and isn’t acceptable. My kids will know deep down why we broke up- my son said he was awake at 12 when his Dad came in from the pub- I asked ‘did you get up and see him?’ - he said NO WAY! He’s horrid when he’s drunk. Job done. Boom. So sad.... stupidly H hasn’t drunk to excess since split, but killing himself with 100 cigarettes a week (I have to stop paying a cleaner (😬soz) because we have to spend less and when I said about his £200 a month cigarette and alcohol bill he looked at me and said ‘why did you have to bring that up?’ Insane. Watching tv tonight he reached over and held my hand! FFS.... I’m exhausted...

@mango88 - forgot the @

@2018lr- you will get there. It’s very early days. Allow yourself to feel the pain and grieve, and you will find you start to come out of it. I ground to a halt for weeks and could barely function.. talking to friends and you all is helping xx

@kittykatt73- imagine a bunch of empowered, gorgeous, scared, supportive women all getting together- how fabulous it would be!!

Thank you stumps66. It’s been 3 months now. Glad Xmas is over feeling a bit scared to what the next 3 months hold. Due to meet EX on New Year’s Day to finalise settlement which I’m not looking forward to - how can someone you thought you knew after 35 years be so cold. I’m hving more good days than bad days now which is good. Xx

Christmas here as been ok, a couple of occasions where I thought "what a total nob" but as someone said earlier about not returning the ball, I just let it go and didn't say or worry about it. I have kept myself busy and arranged lots of things with my youngest and dipped in and out of the older two's bedrooms and spent time with them where I could. I have booked 2 nights away next week and will probably start the divorce conversation then. I am using a solicitor as husband either blatantly lied or omitted info in an attempt to control finances so I simply don't trust him. Typical scenario here where I went part time and stagnated while he has progressed his career and warning potential so I need to secure the best financial agreement possible.

So confused. My back story has been on this thread very recently & Ive has such good advice I’m hoping for more. After a discussion about stuff today H says that what he wants is another chance. Part of me thinks that we went through similar 2 yrs ago & here we are again but worse. But he has been for counselling this time - although what the outcome was I’m still slightly woolly about. He says from counselling he knows what causes his behaviour (issues from childhood) & can spot the signs he’s reacting so it won’t happen anymore. But also I can’t risk another 2 years to end up in the same place again. Equally I don’t want to impact the DDs by splitting from their dad. I am in turmoil & feel like everything hangs on me. Any advice welcome x

Thats a difficult one Mango.......there's only so many chances one can give......I suppose its all down to how much YOU want to give it another shot, can you trust him? Do you still love him? If you don't, do you think you ever could?
I let my Husband back after a split 3 years ago, I wasn't ready to give up, but I knew I didn't feel the same way about him, I suppose I thought that perhaps in time, that initial love I had would return, instead, I spent almost 3 years gathering "evidence" & waiting for him to trip himself up whilst I was mentally & financially setting myself up to be alone.....you can only do what is right for you

@lovealab - thanks for replying. I definitely don’t feel the same as I once did. I feel like every time he hurt me a bit of that love died. Like you did, I wonder if whatever feeling is left can be built upon. If I did give him another chance I worry I would be constantly pushing things to see if he reacted as of old which isn’t healthy for anyone. At the moment I’ve asked him to give me more time (in my head until DD mocks finish mid Jan). His response was that he’s worried this atmosphere will be bad for his decision making skills at work in the new year thereby jeopardising his job! He said he so desperately needed a good break over Xmas! As far as I know I’ve been the one sleeping so little and dropping so much weight that my colleagues asked me if someone had died!! He owes me a bit more time at least.

It’s always about them isn’t it and them needing to be able to function at work etc........ how much weight have you lost? I lost almost a stone in a matter of weeks ( no way can I afford to lose any more ) and can’t put anything back on