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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

830 replies

midnightmoon8 · 03/10/2018 09:15

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

OP posts:
Mango88 · 30/12/2018 20:00

I don’t weigh myself but before Christmas I dropped a lot & I’m a size 8/10 so can’t afford to lose. I was eating the same so go figure. Got weight back up over Christmas but it’s scary how stress can affect you.

Mango88 · 30/12/2018 20:13

Ps love your name - I have a Labrador

lovealab · 30/12/2018 20:58

I’m greedy....... I have 4 labs lol....... I’m usually around 9 stone and dropped to almost 8st.... I’m having to eat rubbish just to stop myself losing anymore......

Mango88 · 30/12/2018 21:04

4 labs 😍 How do these men carry on sleeping, eating, not losing weight? They can either compartmentalise really well or they have simple brains - know which one I’d bet on! Thank goodness for the support on here - it’s got me through many a dark day.

lovealab · 30/12/2018 21:25

It’s been a godsend to come on here these past few months..........my Stbxh has a fantastic relationship with alcohol...... it helps him sleep, maintain/gain his weight and clearly helps with making the right decisions Hmm

VivaVegas · 30/12/2018 21:51

It's good to have this thread just to not feel so alone.
I too have dropped lots of weight (was 10 stone am now 8.5), not many people know what's going on with H and I ( as deep down I wanted us to sort it and then nobody need know).
Some more lies have come out of the woodwork this week so I think that's the final nail in the coffin of our marriage.
Heartbroken 😔

lovealab · 30/12/2018 22:42

Sorry to hear that VivaVegas there is only so much we can put up with/accept before we can't take anymore....thats a lot of weight to be losing, I keep waiting for mine to get back to normal, its been 6 months almost since I hit the point of no return with H, I think I'm just going to have wait until he's out of my life completely/divorce finalised, before my body starts to recover.......

VivaVegas · 31/12/2018 00:02

This started for us in May and I've fought and fought to try and save it at the detriment of my health. Family and friends have said it's making me ill and I can't go on like this and they're right.
I'm not going into a new year like this, I can't, so my stance is going to change.
I've told him exactly what I think of his latest lies, refused to listen to his pathetic excuses and told him that I won't see him over new year as planned.
I'll be sat here on my own but for once that feels the right option.

Mango88 · 31/12/2018 05:37

@vivavegas New Year has always been a flashpoint for us, mainly due to his constant belief that everyone else is out having a fantastic time & he’s missing out while I’m more than happy to stay in with a takeaway 😂

I’m waiting for him to engineer something so he had a reason to go out tonight but that’s fine. I’m more than happy to sit with my dog & toast my own future. We’ll all be together on here in spirit 😊

KittyKatt73 · 01/01/2019 00:21

Happy New Year to each and everyone of you.
Lets all hope we get the peace of mind and closure we all need this year.
xxx

VivaVegas · 01/01/2019 08:53

Agreed Kitty, I certainly can't go through another year like the last.
Had a huge row with H last night, have had enough, he's pushed me to the end of my tether with his appalling behaviour and lies, yet can't see he has done anything wrong. We are done.
Going to go for a long run then pack all the decorations away and tidy the house up ready to start the new year afresh.
It's not how I saw my life at this age, this time last year he was still my lovely DH, we were still making plans, we still had a future, now he's just this horrible self centred cold man. So so sad, but for me and the DC I need to move on.
Happy New Year to us all, I think this thread might be well used by me for the foreseeable future!

nostaples · 01/01/2019 12:28

Happy New Year all. Just achieved a PB on New Year's Park Run so think that bodes well for 2019. Hope we can all stay strong. Best wishes to all.

diamondsand · 01/01/2019 17:12

Me too, my husband of 18 years "left" me over a video call when I was stay my sister's for Christmas. I mean 18 Years absolute marriage.

KittyKatt73 · 01/01/2019 19:14

@ diamondsand thats harsh.
I feel for you. Of all the ways to tell someone.
My Stbxh was constantly texting me and asking infront of kids if I still loved him. I refused to go there in any way shape or form other than face to face. I felt I at least owed him that.
I can only say I hope that the New Year brings better things for you. xxx

Stumps66 · 05/01/2019 21:53

@hamilton12 -I’ve found it hard to work out who can tell me where I stand financially- you can pay an arbitrator I believe or show your finances to a finance divorce solicitor- I darent discuss finances with my stbxh as I know he’s going to be shocked by what the law deems appropriate- I want to go to him with a starting point that is the next step in from 50/50, with legal evidence not just my expectations - you need disclosures of your and his assets though if you can get access to the information. Good luck x

Stumps66 · 05/01/2019 21:59

@Mango88 think forward a year and visualise yourself without Husband and then with. Which one makes you do a big sigh of relief and which one is brightest? Go with that one. X

Stumps66 · 05/01/2019 22:05

You’re all so amazing - we’ve just told our kids tonight we are splitting up and it was so heartbreaking. They both then wanted to leave to be with their friends and not us, which I understand but f*ck it’s ripped me apart. Sitting in my lounge while stbxh is in kitchen, kids sleeping at other people’s houses.. there goes the family...

VivaVegas · 06/01/2019 13:14

Stump it's horrible the thought of your family going isn't it.
I loved our little family and my H and he has just ripped it apart. I hate him so much for what he has done.

Mango88 · 06/01/2019 14:03

@Stumps66 I really feel for you re the kids. You are a brave, strong person. How are you & DCs doing today? Think I maybe posting similar in 2 weeks once youngest’s mocks are out of the way. Tried to talk (again) last night but he just can’t see we’ve got to this point because of his behaviour. I am exhausted with going round in circles. If it was him telling me same I’d be mortified & pulling out all the stops to save things 😔 A few days ago he said he wanted another chance (which threw me) but when I referred back to that he said he wishes he hadn’t used those words- he should have said he wanted to ‘give it another go’. I’m just so tired & scared of the future.

Stumps66 · 06/01/2019 17:56

@mango88- not sure what the difference is between giving it another go and having another chance/ both mean he needs to get his head out of his backside and listen to what your saying. I took my kids for a walk separately. My boy asked lots of questions about where we will live and can he decorate his room how he wants- it was good to walk side by side rather than talk face to face. He really relaxed. My 13 yr old DD is much more closed and won’t open up but I was able to say that none of us know how we’re going to feel, but whether it’s pain, anger, anxiety, insecurity it’s all natural and keeping communication going will help rather than bottling up. It was a good thing to do- we then all went ice skating as a family and had a good time. They know that we will try and be united going forward- I know this is right for me, even though there are a lot of uncertainties- I will get benefits to keep me afloat, I’ll network, and I will let my friends help and support me. One hurdle at a time (said the estate agent who I called to arrange a valuation on the house who I had to tell why we’re selling). There will be gifts that come from this difficult situation and this forum and my friends are two of them x

Hamilton12 · 07/01/2019 08:06

@Stumps66
Hi - thanks and agree that disclosure of assets, funds and salary is only way to make a plan. I have seen a solicitor (£450 for 2 hours and summary and draft letter..!) and have been told that he will need to provide for me and youngest child until 18. How much is the issue and as my earning potential is low as I gave up work to support him and look after our 3 children - it is not straightforward.

Have my letter from solicitor now. Just need to steel myself to send it. No going back from that point and the finality is scary.
Happy New Year to all on this thread and wishing better times ahead.

wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/01/2019 08:26

@hamilton12 stay strong and hold your guns your in for a rocky road .

Stay positive and think forwards not backwards

Yolandapanda · 07/01/2019 10:52

Morning all, it's really useful to hear all your developments, particularly how to tell the kids and what 5heir reactions might be. I told my husband this morning that I was filling for a divorce so there is no turning back now. He was adamant he didn't agree and he queried how it was in the best interests of the kids, right before hesitating to answer when I asked if he wanted the two older ones to live with him part of the week. He finally said yes, if they wanted to see him and we again starting going round in circles regarding his emotional and social detachment from me and the kids !! Anyway, it looks like he is agreeing to a 2yr separation (backdated) and that we will sell poor current house and buy a smaller property each. That's all for now.....can't believe I have finally done it and I have taken my wedding ring off.

Lily007 · 07/01/2019 17:08

Hi. I know I’m coming very late to the thread but thought I’d post anyway.

I’m 60 and my STBXH left for OW 10 months ago in March. We’d been together 25 years married 23 years.

I was devastated when he left as I had no idea he wasn’t happy, I got “the script”.

I’m not doing too badly on the whole although I’m so worried that, financially, I’m going to be ruined. We bought our house new in 2007, just before the property market crashed and it’s still not worth what we paid for it. I’m still living in the house but I can’t afford to buy him out so will have to sell in the next few months. I only work part-time and suffer with fibromyalgia so can’t increase my hours. I’ll need to rent once the house is sold but that will take a huge chunk of my salary!

I never thought I’d be in this position at my age and whilst I know there are people worse off than me, I worry terribly about my future. STBXH is 5 years younger than I am and earns more than 3 times more than me.

Don’t expect anyone can really help but just good to express my worries 😔

Knittedfrog · 07/01/2019 18:58

Lily - haven't got time to write a full reply but your situation mirrors mine in so many ways. Will come back on when I have more time. Just wanted to know you're not alone and while it's awful now hopefully time will be great healer and things improve for us both.