Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Trudeau - he put me through it a few years before, so that meant I was already emotionally detached. I just wasn’t able to end the marriage at that time.

My heart goes out to you, to everyone here. It’s utterly shit.

To NickNamesAllTaken

I told my sons headmistress about the divorce so that school was aware of what was going on and why child’s mood, performance or behaviour may be different for a while. Thankfully there was no change.

Sounds like you settled without the need to involve courts. Good for you.

Thank you. 😊

We took the mediation path, overseen by solicitors and stamped by the courts. It was pretty straightforward.

It helped that I had access to both our documentation and was prepared and organised. I did everything in the relationship and the divorce was no different. I drove it all.

I went house hunting with him because it meant he would move out sooner than if he was left to it himself. I supported him every step. Simply because I needed to get on with my life and my children needed to adjust as simply as possible. And I think seeing me/us do that helped them realise it was manageable.

It was painful at times, especially when my friends would see him out and about locally with his gf. I daren’t go out for fear of bumping into them. And I hated that my children would be meeting her, not because she was the OWnbut because he’d be playing up his ‘dad of the year’ persona. Which we all knew was a big fat lie, as we just weren’t as important to him as he was.

Any other SAHMs find it hard in the beginning to just get motivated to do anything? All the things I used to enjoy doing, I have no interest in. Just doing the bare minimum to get by at the moment. Does this get better???

Not good news exh is not happy with my proposal said it was too far apart from what the judge said at FDR - this is untrue

FDR is advisory only. There is no obligation for either partner to accept the Judge's recommendation. Based on comments made by Legal on another thread FDR's are often rushed through quickly and Judges don;t have the time to read all the details on Form E and absorb the arguments presented by Counsel.

Was your's rushed? Mine lasted about 10 - 15 minutes with Judge and to be fair they made a silly recommendation.

@Trudeau.im 4 months down the line after 23 years togethed, married 17 and 2 DC 18 and 21. H gave me the script - love you but not in love with you , there's no one else yadda yadda - which of course there was. My H was the last man on earth to have an affair so everyone thought - in fact I have said recently (now that I am feeling much better) that it's the most "exciting," thing he has ever done as he's normally so straight down the middle and stuck in his ways.

Anyway.... He lied to the kids, I told the truth. They hate him for lying to them and DD in particular (18) was raging that everyone else knew before she did. But a word of caution....even though they are young adults, it still hurts them and they can feel abandoned. My DD is struggling to have a relationship with her dad ( which is his fault,) but I know she wants to so I am trying to encourage but without negating her valid feelings....He left me, he doesn't contact me, he only does stuff with me that he wants to do (sit in old man's pub) etc. She's started speaking in a baby voice like an 8 year old when she's on the phone to him which us quite alarming. I wonder if she is trying to act like when she was younger to get her dad to love her more???

So... I’m the bad one. 50+ and just had enough. He’s always been domineering and a dab hand at emotional blackmail, and uses me as a scratching post - including in front of the kids. Would have left three years ago but DH diagnosed with prostate cancer. Grim for him, not great for the rest of us. Can’t face the next several years as he worries about recurrence, drives himself hard to recover fitness, cntinues to put himself first and foremost as he has done all our time together, and continues to isolate me from friends family and our DCs. He uses his cancer as a weapon. Completely socially unacceptable to leave recovering DH but can’t do this anymore. Terrified of losing my DCs and he knows it. Financially I’m in much better shape than he is but that’s pretty meaningless given all the distress our split will cause. Is it best just to keep my head down for 4 years till DCs leave home? What will be left of me after that time? What sort of role model is that for the DCs? How the f**k did I get to this?

Farnorth. What a horrid situation. Four years IMO is too long to wait to reavulate your life. Could this be an opportunity for him to be told that he needs to show what he really feels for you and see if there is a way for you to help him through his illness and gain your support but in return decide that he loves and wants to be with you? If not then you and children can surely support him but not be living with him? You may end up being a better support to him if not feeling trapped into staying with him?
Not an easy time for you and honestly don’t know what I would do in your shoes. But life is short. We are getting older and need to be clear what we want to do for the next phase. Can you talk through with a friend?
Best of luck with this.

I'm joining in.
Divorcing after 24 years of marriage. I have initiated it after seven awful years, and three different types of marriage counselling.
I am overwhelmed with grief and horror about it but feel there is no other course of action.
I am terrified for the future, how to learn to be alone etc. I know I am doing the right thing but didn't expect the huge emotional load of grief.
I don't have any network of people going through this after long marriages x

Hey pulipatchouli.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I have recently done similar.

Grief and terror were also experienced by myself even though it was I who initiated our separation after 20 years. I also felt guilty even though none of the factors which brought me to my decision were, by my XH admission, down to me.
I am fortunate enough to be financially independent though I have had to remortgage to 'pay him off'. That alone filled me with terror.
I am adapting to life on my own, though in reality we were probably separating for some time without really acknowledging it.
It is very scary and very sad but you've probably done the hardest part.
Stay as strong as you can. Best of luck to you in the future.

Can anyone explain if post separation assets are taken off the table and should not be included in a settlement ?

It is such a grey area and I would be grateful for any clarity.

-Pulipatchouli
I know how you feel about being scared. Each day I find something new that I’ll now have to do myself. Even just little things around the house that used to be “his” job. After 24 years, it’s terrifying to have to go it alone. Each thing I manage to do, I consider it a small victory. And google has become my new best friend to try and work things out.

Hello everyone, I'd like to join in please. I am 47 and just finishing getting my ducks in a row to divorce my husband of 25 yrs. My kids are 11,13 and 15. I have engaged a solicitor and are prepping an unreasonable behaviour petition. Want to start the process asap now but worried about letting the genie out of the bottle and ruining Christmas.

Hi everyone, glad I found this thread. I'm 50 and about to separate from my H. We have two teenagers (16, nearly 17 & 14). I discovered he was having an affair in early August. The circumstances are horrendous (he is a Scout Unit Leader and had the affair with a female leader, where they shared a tent at camps attended by our and her children). I've been reeling with anger and shock and the past 4 months have been horrific. He now wants a trial separation and both of them have stepped back from scouts but not left completely. Over the past month I've been trying to gain as much information as I can re: legal issues, benefits, gathering pension information etc. I spent years as a SAHM and I feel financially screwed. I'm also raging that this could happen at a kids activity and have drafted a letter of complaint to the Scout Association but not sure if this will make my situation worse and put me at a disadvantage financially. I can't take and got anti anxiety meds from my GP but struggling to cope. We also live in a small town and he wants to move nearby, but I would prefer he leave the town. I know what I need to do but can't find the strength as I did not see this coming. Looking for advice & support. Everything is such a mess.

Just joining you ladies. Married 19 yrs but together 25. Two DDs (18 & nearly 26). H has been emotionally abusive our whole relationship but I only realised it a few years ago. Was too scared & doubting myself so papered over the cracks but after an horrific holiday this year I realised enough is enough. Even then I tried marriage counselling which led to him having individual counselling which has just made him even more smug - he seems to be even more sure that’s his behaviour is partly my fault. Now he’s saying we’re done which should be a relief but I feel numb at times & grief stricken the next. Not even sure if that’s normal or how I will cope. Telling DDs is my worst nightmare.

• that should read 18 & nearly 16

@Mango88 All sounds very familiar.
XH was very abusive when we argued. He would call me the most horrendous names. I guess I put up with it for twenty years because the arguments were only a few times a year and I always thought it would be the last time as he was so apologetic afterwards. Unfortunately each time chipped away a little bit more and a little bit more.
We also went to see a Relate councillor. Her advise was for XH to get help for his anger issues, which he did. I totally get where your coming from with regards to the 'smug' bit.
I made my decision to end it early October and he finally left the house mid November. I've been through and continue to go through, the anger, the guilt and the grief but it gets a little easier every day. These are very scary times but you'll get through.
Take care

That is really tough. Have you got family around

Thanks Ivebeenbetter, it is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through & it’s only the start. He’s saying we’ll get through Xmas then get lawyers involved (I think he thinks that will scare me). But he’s saying he won’t leave the house. He had no idea I’ve already had some free legal advice just incase. This week I contacted a solicitor someone at work recommended to book an appointment for New Year but she’d had a cancellation for the next day so I took it. I’m not letting him know. Then I’m ready to act immediately if he gets nasty. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach all the time but I do have family & amazing support at work. Tough times 😪

@Mango88
It is absolutely terrifying!! And incredibly sad. Our pasts, our futures....
I worried how I was going to cope financially and was very upset that I had to remortgage to pay him off. My previous posts touch on how we worked that out.

I worried about how life in the house on my own would be. My adult children have been great and my young grandchildren have kept me smiling. My friends have been amazing. His family, who claimed to love me with all their hearts are nowhere to be seen. I sort of get that but... he caused this. He was the one who couldn't change his anger issues. They know all he's done but still, not a bit of support.
We are going to have a lot of 'firsts' to get through but get through them we will!
I'm not one of these gung ho types but truly believe you shouldn't fight what ever your feeling. 🙂

Im in a similar position. 45 with 4 DC (20, 17, 14, 14). Married almost 21 years. Constant mood swings and walking on egg shells etc etc.
Filed for divorce back in the summer and boy is it dragging. At least it seems that way to me. Waiting at the moment for decree nisi which I applied for back in September and is finally being read on 15th Jan.

In the process of selling the house (neither can afford to buy the other out) and in the mean time hes home every wknd so one of us is on the sofa.
Xmas will be interesting to say the least as hes not working over Xmas and New Year so will home constantly for 2 weeks. ☹️

Currently waiting for him to find a house to move to while I look at buying a shared ownership with my bit of the equity.
This is proving easier said than done as I only have 2 maintenance payments to factor into my income ( we peviously put money into joint account to cover bills and food) and I cant do a consent order until decree nisi has been done.

I know it will all be worth it in the end but its so frustrating.

Even now he comes home at wknds, his washing jumps the queue ( dont ask why he doesnt do it where he stays during the week). He moans about taking the kids to clubs, ironing (theirs not mine) housework ( again your kids why shouldnt you clean up after them) .

Where he does stay he gets fed and room cleaned for him.
I still work full time and play taxi driver pretty much every night of the week yet he still thinks his wknds are for doing sod all.
Aaaahhhh

Quite surprising though to find so many of us in a similar position at this time of our lives.
Maybe we should start a club and all go out and get hammered together to celebrate the next chapters in our lives. 😀

How’s everyone doing? I finish at work for Christmas today & everyone’s saying how excited they are when all I want is to go to sleep & wake up when it’s all over. Worried about citing his unreasonable behaviour in a petition - those feelings of walking on eggshells will take time to go I guess. Will be thinking of all in similar position over the ‘festive’ season. X

I finish today too but I'm between Christmas and New Year too.
I have always loved Christmas but this year can't be bothered and just feel so sad at how things were a year ago when I was happy and live as a family was good, and we were still making plans together.
How can someone change so much in such a short period of time and completely destroy a marriage and a children's family.
Am going through the motions for the DCs benefit but just want to wake up from this nightmare and find it was all just a bad dream.
Sorry to bring things down, I need to start trying to be more positive for a different future but it's so hard when that's not what you want!

Just had to buy him presents for the kids, really resented it. Just got socks. Also felt sad not to be buying presents for him and planning christmas with him. Angry that his is doing it with someone else and going away with her but we both are in debt and have big financial worries. Such mixed feelings. But the kids keep me going as they are so gorgeous and lovely.

How has everyone coped over Christmas?
I just want to get new year done and then start afresh for 2019- well I don't what I want is my family back together but as that's out of my hands I'll have to go with the first option!