Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

@nicknamesalltaken you say 70:30 is pretty normal! You must have a better lawyer than me. I’m told it must be 50:50, although I have earned at least 70% and I am now left with the children to support. The
lawyer is bleeding me dry and it drags on and on with no end in sight. Dying would actually be easier.

I was a SAHM for many years, working PT more recently. He is a high earner. So 70:30 perfectly fair as I will need to downsize and he has been able to afford a new flat. Once all taken into account it will balance out.

He has sustained a career, a pension, work bonuses etc, and I enabled him to do so by compromising mine so we could have a family. So it’s fair. The pension settlement could have been 50:50 but it didn’t feel fair as he started to invest in it before he met me, so I took a third - the time we were together.

My H came into my life when I already had invested around 100k in my property. I've always worked full time and our finances were completely separate. We went 50/50 on absolutely everything, from the mortgage to a loaf of bread! It was always agreed that if anything happened between us that the first 100k of the house would be mine then any further equity would be split 50/50. That is what we've done. We had a separation agreement drawn up and I am remortgaging for what I owe him. I'm gutted to have to be borrowing at 54 as the original mortgage has just finished. On the bright side at least I don't have to sell my home of 32 years immediately. I may consider downsizing in a couple of years though.

In other news... H has finally left the house and I'm adjusting to life on my own. Currently I'm quite enjoying it. Hopefully the novelty won't wear off. In truth we've probably been separating for some time. We went to bed a different times to separate beds (snoring was the excuse), we watched different tv programmes and shared very little of much else.
I have moments when the sadness sweeps over me but I'm sure my little pity parties for one will lessen in time. I try to remember that my happiness is down to me now.

Following
48 here, 8 yo DS, not married but still cost a lot to sort out finances and custody.
Almost 3 years since discovery of ow / kicking him out.
So nice to be able to make decisions for myself.
Mixed group of friends, my age with no or older kids and younger mums of ds’s friends.
Did a bit of dating, short fling with a toy boy (35; definitely good for the ego)
Not keen on living with anyone again; the freedom was hard won.

@ivebeenbetter you are lucky your STBEX is so reasonable. I made £180k from my first home but that is apparently irrelevant.

What divorce law has taught me: Hard work doesn’t pay off, no good deeds go unpunished, never get on and do all the gardening/cooking/tidying etc because the other person is too lazy to do it, never ever ever marry again. Oh and it seems the courts believe a woman’s place is in the home and working is just some extra little hobby.

I’m told it must be 50:50

Who from?

Are you actually divorced yet?

@MissedTheBoatAgain no, I’m not divorced yet, it’s dragging on. But that is what I’ve been told. I earned 70% of the pot, I have the kids to raise and I worked while raising them. My STBEX, who also worked, benefitted all the way through the marriage from being able to take out more than he put in. Now he will walk away with more than he earned. If I had been a SAHM and not worked the difficult hours and juggled and strived as I have then it seems I would have got a bigger share. Although the pot would have been less.

To NotBeingRobbed,

You seem to have been on this site for a while. How long has your Divorce being going on?

Is a larger share of a smaller pot not producing a similar end result to a smaller share of a larger pot.

It seems to be the case that the longer the marriage the more intermingled money becomes and who paid for what becomes irrelevant? Sometimes hear of short childless marriages whereby the weaker earner ends up with not a lot?

I began proceedings in March. We have Nisi but he is delaying returning his Form E. So I am left with uncertainty. I had tried to accept the situation but I now needed it sorted.

Money may have been intermingled but more of it was always mine. He has benefitted from marriage because he has sustained regular employment. I have made sacrifices and worked part time at stages for the benefit of kids. Marriage has offered me no protection at all and that is where the traditional view is wrong.

Also, I know you will say that traditionally the woman stays home and the man works, blah blah. That is an out of date and sexist view. I have tried to overcome this sterotyping but the law seems blinkered in its ideas.

He has benefitted from marriage because he has sustained regular employment. I have made sacrifices and worked part time at stages for the benefit of kids

On another thread you indicate that the earning split was 70% yourself and 30% husband. If you were working part time, but still earned more than double then you were the stronger earner throughout?

If after Divorce is complete you can work full time then your extra earnings over time plus 50% of assets sounds as though you will be better off in the longer term?

Yes, I may end up better off but that will be due to my own efforts in future. I also will be spending those earnings on my children, not on alcohol or prostitutes. On the other hand, I could get cancer and die, or be cause a heart attack or stroke because of the stress of this situation. Who knows what the future will bring? Marriage is for suckers.

I have tried to keep away from this board and simply accept my stupidity for marrying and the misfortune of my own bad decisions. But I will never stop feeling I have been done an injustice. I now want to move on but he isn’t returning his forms so I can’t do that.

Don't be so hard on yourself, notbeingrobbed. You're not stupid. You went into marriage because you loved the person. Simple as that. You had no way of knowing how it would turn out. It sucks but it's not your fault. Try and think positive and make sure you stop and take time to love yourself and take care of yourself during this stressful time. One day you'll get the DA and you can do a happy dance, play happy music and then start a fresh life. Hugs to you.

Hey that’s lovely to read.
We must stay strong and be glad that this has happened now instead of 10 years older. I have no idea what’s ahead but I am starting to realise that living with constant sadness and not feeling special and cared for is worse than being alone.

If you loved someone and they turned out to be no longer worthy of your love then that doesn’t mean you were wrong. Just that they changed.
My positivity may go south after my first solicitor meeting this week!! 🤔
But I am starting to feel now that I am on the right path. He doesn’t love me and I’m worth more.

Stay strong ladies.

Just that they changed

That's the punchline. Sadly some people change very soon after marriage.

Hi all,
New to mumsnet. I’ve been following this thread and am struck by how similar everyone’s story is. My husband of 24 years told me a few months ago that he wasn’t happy. Doesn’t feel the spark, attraction anymore. After a few months of trying to work on the relationship, he decided last week that he can’t do it anymore and has organized a flat to rent and will be moving out after his return from work trip overseas (about week and a half). Kids 15, 18, 20 are completely clueless as we never argued (obviously didn’t communicate very well either) and will be crushed when they find out dad’s moving out. Anyone have any advise on how to break the news? I’m dreading it and struggling to cope with my own emotions- not eating, sleeping- but want to get strong for the kids. Any one willing to share their experience?

To Trudeau2525,

Not relevant to your question, but was your husband out of UK often with Work? I was and I think that's why we drifted apart. Wife spent most of her married life living like a single mother.

Anyway to the question.

My Stepdaughter was 21 at the time the Divorce decision was made by myself. She was not surprised at all and asked how the marriage had lasted so long as she saw the arguments, etc. She was at University at the time so was well out of it.

Son, who at the time was 8, obviously did not see it coming. He was prompted by his Mother to ask me why I was divorcing his Mother. Not the most appropriate thing to do I thought considering the child's age. However, the question was asked and I replied that his Mother and I were no longer friends and that it would be better if we did not live at same house anymore. However, we both wanted son to be happy and not be disadvantaged in anyway.

Your children are older and by sounds of things have not seen a Divorce on the horizon at all. If the 18 and 20 year old are heading off to University then maybe that will divert their attention. If they are still at home then maybe both you and husband should speak to them at same time? Hopefully the child that is 15 and approaching exams at school is not affected too much.

No easy answer to this question, but don't put it off until after father has left as that maybe an even bigger shock to children?

Good luck

I think, Trudeau, that it’s ok to say ‘I don’t understand it myself’ to your DCs at some point.

Maybe gather them up with your XH and he can explain it to them? You certainly need to be together to tell them. They need both of you.

Mine were younger, so I could still tell them ‘we love you just the same, it’s just that we can’t be married any more’. But mine knew as they picked up on the tension and undercurrent. No matter how we tried to keep it from them, there was no surprise. They all reacted differently. Some cried at the time, another took himself off. One was just silent and said ‘I thought this was coming’.

Hardest thing I ever had to do. XH was botching it up, making it about how sad he was, so I took it over. From that point on the DCs were all that mattered. Their feelings came first in everything. We managed to get through mediation, him leaving and divorce relatively unscathed I think.

I see XH regularly. I have no real memory of being with him. I know we were together for 10 years, we were married and had DCs, but I have no feelings -good or bad - and I can’t imagine that we were ever in a relationship. It’s very strange.

MissedTheBoatAgain - Not overseas excessively but definitely a workaholic so often felt like a single parent.

Nicknamesalltaken - all kids still at home. Will tell them together once husband returns. Because there was no “obvious” conflict, expect there to be a fair bit of shock. Dreading it especially with Christmas so soon after. How did your children cope with the day to day after? Going to school, telling their friends etc.? I’m imagining the worst and my heart breaks for them.

Nicknamesalltaken - at the moment it’s very hard to imagine being where you are at now. Especially when he ends up in another relationship. Not sure how I’ll cope with that. You give me some hope that with time things may improve and my emotions may not always drive me. Thank you.

'Trudeau2525
My eh said that he was unhappy .

He too works abroad .

I asked him if there was someone else . He denied it -turns out I was correct after being together for 24 years that there was ! We didn't argue either but my suspicions were raised .

I do hope this is not the same in your case .

‘wakeupsmelltheroses
I’ve asked the question as well, multiple times. Always denies. My gut says that there isn’t, but after reading so many posts, can’t help but question it.

Hmmm. Husbands working abroad seems to be a problem. My ex knew all about it before we were married. So I thought it would be okay after married.

Maybe taking her away from her native country and living in a new country alone was too much to handle?

Stepdaughter did well at university and good a job soon after graduation. Son is doing good at school too. Guess if children produced by marriage go in to achieve good things even after their parents marriage fails that’s all that matters?

Good luck to the OP and anyone else who is about to go through a divorce. Last advice is to settle amicably. Don’t add to the stress by turning the divorce into a contest.

We split in the October, went on the week long family holiday we had planned in the Oct half term (excruciating) and told them after Christmas. Think it was the day after Boxing Day.

What was so important was to be there for them. For the next few days, just be around. They’ll have each other too. Don’t plan too much. Let them absorb it. It can’t be business as usual immediately. I think it’s wise to tell their school - in case a day off is needed or whatever. Sometimes a day of 1:1 time can help.

We agreed to only discuss the split in the mediation room.

I had access to all financial paperwork so I could get all the necessary information. I went house hunting with him, and helped him move.

The DCs don’t know the extent of what he did. I think two of them know he had an affair. I have never stopped them seeing him. They saw the way he treated me. The house is much calmer, I am much calmer. I was living with constant fear and anxiety. I didn’t even realise until I spent some time having counselling, but I was on the edge the whole time.

Counselling helped enormously. I would recommend it.