Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

So for those who are going through this and it's not what you wanted can you help me.
I need to stop thinking and caring about him and what is doing and who he is with but just can't.
I need to do this to accept and move forward but instead just spend too much time stalking him and the woman I think he may be involved with on social media and thinking about what he is doing and who with. It does me no good but I can't stop, probably because I just want to know for certain if they are together whereas it's still an unknown. I need closure I suppose.
I have spent a fortune on counselling which has helped to a degree but I cant afford that anymore and feel I am the blocker.
How do I accept and focus my effort and energy on me and my new life and future when it is not the one I thought I would have or want.
I keep myself busy when I don't have the DC, I exercise loads, take time to get hair and nails done etc so I feel better about myself (nothing like a possible younger woman on the scene to make you feel shire about yourself), I see friends, I go out. When I'm with the DC we do stuff too and we chill around the house.

And normally I am a very strong and determined person so all of this is alien to me.
Your help would be appreciated

VivaVegas you have done so many things to try and be positive for yourself and your kids. I’ve found it so hard to stop caring and to accept that this is the new life forced upon me. My h doesn’t exist anymore- it’s been like he’s died and I’ve grieved. We have no choice but to move on. When I’m feeling really low I do force myself to think how it could be worse!!.... thank goodness I’m not faced with any of my beloved children having cancer or a car crash or .... I’m so lucky to have my health, my healthy kids, my relatives, my friends. Yes my husband has left me and my world is drastically altered but I’m still standing!!!! It’s been a year now which feels unreal- a year since I was held or kissed! A year ago I had no idea what was coming! We literally have no choice but to get on with life and for the sake of my children it’s going to be a happy one! Full of new experiences and adventures. I figure the more new happy memories I can make the further away the despair/disbelief/ loneliness/sadness... will get. They say “time is a great healer” it’s just that time helps with accepting a new “normal”. Xxxx

Thanks Jem, I do stuff, I've put myself forward for things I'd never done before, I make plans, I socialise but I just feel empty and sad underneath all of it. That I'd rather not being doing all of the above but would rather be spending time with my family at the weekend instead of on my own filling my time. That I'm beyond sad that we're going away on holiday without H and not as out family etc etc I hate the life I have been forced into, it's not what I want so how on earth can I ever accept that? And I think this is where being strong willed and stubborn isn't helping me!

Thank goodness for your strength and stubbornness!! Without it I know I’d be deeply depressed and struggling to parent my kids! For me it’s the lack of choice and the fact that I trusted my h with my life and he’s happily betrayed me. Plus I question everything as I now know he’d lived lying to me- keeping secrets and I didn’t even suspect it! How can the man who I loved have chosen to give me this much pain.
I refuse to accept my life is over though!!

If I look at the boards on here and at people I know IRL, it’s like they can’t stand being the bad guy, so they punish the ex for “making them feel bad about themselves” for so long.... they can’t handle their own guilt, so the logical thing to do is to attack?!?? Absolute toddlers.

This thread seems to be more about trying to get some support to move on. I have no guilt just huge disappointment that I couldn't make it work. H always wanted bigger and better and more expensive. It was inevitable that that would focus on me at some point. Then again it was his own self centred interest that fascinated me. I wanted to have a part of what was so great. Got frustrating being with someone who you knew would never be content with life and to be honest hearing how great he was in his own words every day got boring too. So I'm disappointed I couldn't keep him happy but now I just need advice on how to move on and be happy on my own with my amazing DC

My DH seems determined to push our kids away at the moment. He doesn’t have OW, he’s just so self-absorbed that he doesn’t want to see how much everyone else hates living here. He’s living his best life and is happy as a pig in poo and we are all just the rats waiting for an opportune time to jump ship. If you can imagine Pollyanna as a modern-day, narcissistic, elite, middle-aged, married PE teacher with a wife and three teenagers, that’s what we’re dealing with. Oh, and I’ve been warned by my lovely SIL that my racist, homophobic MIL is making noises about visiting, so I wonder how he’s going to bring that up, given that she’s not setting foot in my house ever again....

Justilou1 what is it with middle aged teachers? My h turned into a disgusting narcissist within a year of becoming a headmaster. I used to feel so proud of the influence he had on the students and now am appalled that the Governors allowed him to even be there! The teenagers ( all boys) discussed his behaviour with the OW - Even Year 7s started a WhatsApp group to express their opinions about his inappropriate behaviour on a school trip! It makes me so angry that the old male chauvinistic Governors stood by him ( probably all to save the school from more rumours) But in doing so have damaged my DS who has felt betrayed by his father and his school.
I’m glad you’re not allowing your MIL into your house. She sounds awful!!! Perhaps your h can go live like a pig in poo with her!!! Xx

My DC and I have been living in our rented house for over 2 weeks. Even though we have so little now everyone is calmer and life is easier without imagining him in the house. We are making do on a tiny budget and living each day rather than planning ahead. I know for my MH I need to stop worrying about what’s next and just have a few months off stressing. I’ve rented for a year and can extend. The thought of moving again is not appealing!! It was so hard moving without a removal company. I have found physical and inner strength I didn’t know I had but still yearn for my h. I’ve been forced to make countless decisions alone and feel the weight is all on my shoulders. I know my h doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t want any further contact with the cruel Twat that he now has become but whilst he’s happily living the life of a single man I’m washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, giving lifts, dog walking. working.....

Jem45 I am in awe of you and what you have achieved. Although you have all this on your shoulders now, at least you have some indepence and you are not carrying the weight of him and your life together as well.

Well done, Jem45!!! I’m so pleased you’ve made the move!!! (For your MH and your kids!!!) I don’t live in the UK so have different legal/social system, etc (hence need for five year plan.) My dh isn’t actually a teacher, but a coach in elite sport, but kinda the same result - walking ego. He’a Been overseas for seven weeks, is back on Tuesday and is STILL forwarding me all the blurb from the kid’s schools as though they have nothing to do with him. I’m studying full-time and working, and he’s far too busy and important to get involved with his kids. Gaaaah!

Yes love to join the group. I'm 52 and seem to be separating for somewhat ridiculous yet irreconcilable reasons. We've gone round the houses for months trying to sort out our differences and how we see our future now the DC's are almost off our hands. Classic empty-nester divorcees it seems. I want to develop my woefully neglected career and OH is not interested in me doing that, nor supporting it financially, even though he has the funds (which are considerable) and all my funds (which were considerable) are tied up the mortgage we took out 17 years ago. So sadly and unbelievably we're separating over money. Money and lies. Really sad. OH told his parents this week; bloody awful. I will miss his family so much, but I'm not naive enough to think once we get into mediation all will be the same. Whilst we're reasonable people who still care for each other, I am already hearing the words 50-50 as if it's a given, despite our focus entirely on OH and his ca eer.

I've told our DD, don't ever give up your career, you don't know when you're going to need it. She's a very modern thinking girl, so I doubt she would hand over her livelihood to a partner.

Jem45 remember his got a good pension pot .
Anyway my decree Nisi was on the 31st of July .
That didn’t stop him saying my mouth was like a ducks lol.Honest it’s not !!I think it must have been the Mickey and Donald dvd that was replaying for our asd daughter.
Imagine that what a wanker.
When it’s through I’m setting our wedding portrait on fire it’s beautiful.
I remember how I felt on the day ,I took it down two years ago when we repainted and refused to hang it back.
Fing twat saying my mouth looks like a ducks

VivaVegas
Thank God for your inner strength.only time can heal nothing else it’s like a cut ,a deep one It will take time to heal a scab will form.A scar will remain all in good time.All that you feel is normal, betrayal is a bitch, but with time you’ll be out off the woods.

Palaver1 it will be a long time before I can look at my wedding photos again. I was so blissfully happy. We will fill our lives with new memories and maybe one day the pain they’ve caused us won’t burn so strongly. Yesterday I filed a court order against my husband! I’ve tried so hard to reason with him over the last year but he seems determined to be spiteful. He’s reduced the money he pays me and now I’m struggling financially with all 3 children at home all summer. He’s threatening to file a court order against me for access to our son. I’ve never stopped any of our children seeing him but his behaviour towards them and towards me has poisoned their relationship. My son is nearly 14 and knows his own mind. He’s having therapy and now we’ve moved he’s finally sleeping through the night. How dare he threaten to drag him infront of a judge. That’s certainly not going to build bridges. My h has refused to accept my proposal to give me the proceeds of our house sale so I can afford ( with a mortgage) to get back on the property ladder. I’ve offered to pay all the estate agent bills, clear the debt in our joint account and not touch his huge pension or have spousal allowance. I just wanted a clean break and to have no ties. He earns 4 times my salary and only needs a 1 bed flat. Plus he’s chosen to run away to live in a cheaper area leaving us in an expensive one that we moved to for his career!! Can’t have this go on forever so will let the court decide 😞

Today is my 21st wedding anniversary! We had always planned to celebrate by renewing our vows on a holiday with our 3 children. Instead I’m in the process of going through the courts, with an unrecognisable man who doesn’t love me, to fight for a financial proposal that allows me to home our children and survive!! I have never hated anyone more in my life!! I’m so grateful for my wonderful children who are taking on a special surprise day out to ( in their words) to celebrate being together!

Jem I am so sorry, I just don't understand how we had plans for things like this and then out of the blue everything has changed and they are beyond unhappy and have to go. That's one of the things I still don't get, and the thing I hate the rewriting of history to justify their actions.
Glad you are spending time with your DC, have a nice time.
I had a nice week away with the DC which went better than expected but then back home to a load of rubbish.
I will update later. 🍷 and 💐 for you.

Jem45 last Saturday was my 23rd wedding anniversary and Sunday was exactly a year since I kicked him out because of his behaviour
It was a hard weekend (I had angry tears on the Sunday so used that anger to mow the lawns!!)
It’s still quite surreal at times - like he’s just out at work - then I remember
A year down the track though already for me and I’m nowhere near feeling as bad as I was xx

It is so surreal Jen1519! I’m still so shocked by his behaviour. It’s nearly a year since I told him to leave after spending last summer begging to save our marriage. I feel so angry that I’ve had a year of my life destroyed by his decisions. I’ll never get that time back and although I did everything I could to create happy times for my kids there were so many tears. I know I’m a stronger, more capable woman but thinking into the future scares me. I never gave it a second thought when I was married and just took life as it came. Now money is so tight I constantly worry and I just want all the financial issues dealt with and to be divorced! I can’t believe I want to be divorced!!! I just want it all over so he can’t hurt me anymore.

I'm glad there are others who feel the same that they still can't believe how their H has behaved and how they could just do what they did.
Makes me feel that it's not just me still having these thoughts.

I posted some of this on another thread I have created specifically about the struggle I am having with moving on and specifically the other thing I am struggling with now my suspicions about the OW are coming into play.
He lives nearby on his own, she lives a few miles away on her own, he is still denying to everybody that there is anything going on, yet it's a small place and they are seen together and that's what I can't bare, a future of that, seeing them together happy while I'm alone and miserable. He's probably lying to her that he's telling people they are together yet he's still lying to his family, it's just all lies. She lied to her previous ltp too, they are a pair of liars. Their lives built on lies, I hope at some point it all comes crashing down for them.
I have sorted the financial stuff, I've had legal advice, reality is I need to file and kick him to the curb.
I've asked him to move away but reality is he won't move far enough for me.
My family are several hours away I could move back (I moved to be with him, gave up everything and took a risk to be with him) but that would mean moving the DC school in high school and taking them away from their friends.
I want to be that person who can move forward and create a better life for me and my DC and to be happier, he wasn't a perfect H he was very lazy and has issues he needs to deal with which he isn't he's just running away and finding someone else. At the moment he's blaming me for everything which has made me feel rubbish about myself.
I just want his life to all come crumbling down and for him to then realise what a fool he's been.
Is that karma or is that just where my bitterness comes in!

Reading these amazing stories and hoping for advice/experience. Am 49, DCs 11 and 13.

We separated a few months again but continued to live in same house until I had managed to buy a new place. Family home comes with DHs job so I have to move out.

Completing next Friday and planning to tell the DCs the following day. Am terrified. DS (11) is very anxious and I know both will react really badly. It will be a massive shock.

Am very frightened they will blame me since a) I have to be the one to move out and b) STBX is covert narcissist whose chosen narrative for the split is that I am leaving because I don’t like where we live (partly true, but main reason is his emotional abuse/controlling behaviour and secondary reason is his refusal to compromise on location, even though extremely rural situation as very negatively affectIng DCs and me).

Very grateful for any advice. Do they eventually get over it? We can co-parent amicably on the surface I think, but it would destroy me if DCs blamed mr or worse, opted to stay with him in family home.

Hi walkingwounded - welcome and sorry to hear what you’re going through. My DS is very anxious too so I understand your worry. You say that living in the house linked to your husband’s job has negatively affected your DCs so hopefully they’ll see the move to your new home as partly positive in this aspect. Don’t let your h blame you infront of your children. Can you together decide in advance the words you agree on using when breaking the news to them? If he doesn’t blame you infront of them then this will help them to understand that it’s not your fault. They may have sensed things are about to change even though you’ve obviously done everything to protect them. Be prepared to answer their questions- maybe try to preempt what they may ask and agree on responses. I’ve made sure I’ve been honest with my DC and haven’t criticised my h even though he deserves it!! I’ve been careful not to make any promises that I can’t keep and as my DCs are older (13,18,20) I’ve allowed them to see all the lawyer’s correspondence and at the start my personal texts ( I now have no contact with my h) I have behaved impeccably!! Even though at times I’ve wanted to send horrible messages etc I know it will only hurt my children in the end. Sadly for my h this transparency with my actions has only highlighted his narcissistic behaviour and caught him out with many of his lies!!!!
My DCs have needed lots of extra time/attention/ reassurance/ love - all of which I’m more than willing to give. Meanwhile their father would prefer to give his attention to the OW!!
I hope it goes as well as it can and you move happily into your new home with your DC xxxxx

Thankyou so much Jem for these wise words. It helps so much to know that others have been through it and come back it the other side.

Will try to set aside lots of extra time for attention and love and will try to stay calm while telling them, though keeping self control may be hard.

I really hope that things move quickly for yOu so that you can move on. It’s funny how when you’re more distanced emotionally, you can see the narcissism/selfishness/vindictiveness for what it is.

Thanks again.

Jeez I am still struggling.
The OW has now come out of the woodwork, I've suspected for ages but have told I was crazy, paranoid etc etc but this time he got busted by one of my friends just by chance but guess what he's still denying it, needs to man up and admit what we've all known for ages.
I've made sure his family know as he's been lying to them too.
But the thought of them together makes me feel sick, I want to move away (I moved here to be with him ) back to where my family are as I can't bear to have them together on my doorstep. If I see them together I feel I will react badly.
How the he'll can I deal with this?
I want to be happy, to have that better life, I want it all to go wrong for them but all I can see is then happy and me lonely and unhappy.
How do I snap out if it?