Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I’ve had to sort student finance for both my DDs and bursary applications too. You can do this!! I find writing a list of each step I have to take to get things sorted really helps. It’s empowering to cross off each thing I’ve got organised and breaking down the things I’ve got to sort into smaller steps really helps. Your children will be so proud of you too. I’m scared of Empty Nest Syndrome so I’m finding out all the things I can do/ get involved with -there’s lots out there in libraries/ community centres/ gyms/ pools. Do you work? Do you have family/ friends living nearby? You have us now as well to support you through this!! You are not alone xx

@beehappynow why are you divorcing? I don’t think you should stop it for the fear of being alone. You’ll get through this and come out stronger

Hello everyone ,just found this form . It was from last year 2018. Was just wondering how everyone is doing .? ... please reply anyone ....

@Jem45 and @littlefluffycloudos thanks so much for replying. I'm divorcing because he had an affair and because there was no intimacy any more, and I felt unsupported by him in so many ways as he works away from home. I'd been considering divorce and the discovery of the affair was the final straw. I do work and have good friends, at the moment though I feel so low. Trial and error with anti-depressants going on at the moment, but not found one that helps as yet. I'm also seeing a counsellor but just seem to cry through the session! I know it's the right thing to do to continue with the divorce but I worry I'm not cut out for this challenge and that I might have left it too late now at 55.

Sorry for the radio silence and welcome to the new ladies in the club none of us want to be in!
Shocking week, felt stronger and more determined to move on last week but back in a mess and in tears a lot this week.
H also being obstructive with everything and there seems to be one rule for him and one for me and if he doesn't get his own way he just acts like a child.
He has turned into such a horrible person I just don't recognise him. There is nothing nice about him now and he used to be kind and caring if lazy and selfish. I just keep questioning how does that happen whereas I need to just accept he is no longer the man I was with for 20 years and move on.
I also need to stop thinking about what he is doing and who he is with (looks like my suspicions have been confirmed now) and move on but again because he won't admit anything I don't have closure. But I also don't understand why he would carry on lying, is he going to do that forever? Not just to me but to his family as well.
What I really need to do is file for divorce and look forward and build my new life, but for some reason I am finding that a huge struggle. I can't even bring myself to book a holiday with my DC as I'm too sad about not going as our family as we've always done.
My friends all say I'm such a strong person and I always thought I was but this has shown me that I'm not, just another thing about me that I have let him destroy along with my confidence and my self esteem. People keep telling me it's not me it's him but I just feel such a failure at the moment.

I'm the one looking for a divorce in our relationship - H would happily carry on shouting at me til the day one of us dies, trouble is I think with this stress I'll be first, even though our DDs are still only teenagers.

At 57, I think this is what sets this thread apart - and although I have seen people 10-15 years younger wanting to join it, there is something about over 50s that makes it particularly hard - this is a time of life when things change; Im seeing all my friends and family settled with their partners looking at retirement. I'm realising how little money we have - really hitting home now thinking about living on a state pension alone. Some of my friends didn't make it both my best friends died in the last 5 years. I feel in constant limbo.

Its like being on the cusp of settling for ever, for better or considerably worse, or saying oh yeah lets start again even though my health isn't great now and my close family are now too old to drive to visit me somewhere else! Its not just a divorce of an H, its surrendering a way of life and hoping there will be better on the other side. This is why I think its much harder for over 50s.

I’m at work so can’t type really at the minute but you are so not a failure xxx

@VivaVegas I totally understand what you say about not recognising H any more. My H is not the man I married. He was reliable, dependable and a great Dad. Working away from home has turned him into a selfish man who either works or plays golf or has inappropriate relationships with other women whilst I work, stay at home and bring up our children. My friends also say I'm strong but they don't see me struggling to get up in the morning or wailing through counselling sessions.
@DishingOutDone I'm of a similar age and one part of me feels that now is the time, there is still time to find a new relationship - don't leave it any later! The other part says settle, compromise, avoid stress and conflict. My scared person says don't do it but my courageous person tells me to go ahead and see what's out there. I am one person one day and the other person another. It's so hard, isn't it? x

Sorry for the radio silence, have been trying to get on with things. Have had a very dark day today. My DD1 and DS are still 300 miles away from me and DD2. My contact with them is minimal. They won't take my calls and text is scant. As you'll know DD1 has global leaning disability so text is not the best way to communicate. She is now saying that she wishes to live with her father and remain there. I had to hear this from a Social Worker who has been assigned to her for her transition to further college. H has not discussed with me. She was offered a place at a wonderful specialist college where she could learn to live independently in a safe and nurturing way. There is nothing like this where they are now living, the nearest option is 80miles away. I believe all of this is to hurt me. He knows what a passionate advocate I have been for my DD1 and for her to have the best opportunity available. This feels so harsh and wrong. I have also never had such a length away from my DD1 since she was born. He's refusing to bring her home for a visit. My DD2 is struggling with all this too.

There are no avenues open to me, DD1 deemed to have capacity and at 19 is an adult. She's clearly been manipulated by H and his family.

I fell crushed.

Checkthemeaning51 my heart goes out to you. His behaviour is despicable! How dare he choose to move away then allow your relationship with your children to suffer. Have you got a lawyer? Surely the courts will properly weigh up the benefits for your DD1 to be at a college that helps her be independent. We hope our children all outlive us so want their future secure!!!
VivaVegas I was worried about you as you’d not posted for a while. I cant believe the change in my once beloved h. He’s now a cruel liar! I encourage you to dig even see and find the strength to book a holiday with your children. I was petrified when I booked mine and felt so worthless. But I have had to accept this is my new family unit and my kids need happy memories and to see me being empowered ( even if it’s an act!) xxxxx

Checkthemeaning that's heartbreaking - but wouldn't this come under parental alienation? Hold old is your DS - could you recap on why your Ex has gone after these two children, do you have others still at home with you?

Even though she's classed as an adult does your daughter have an advocate or could she have one appointed? (adults with support needs can get an advocate) Could you or your solicitor write to your H via the social worker so its all laid out clearly and say that the placement you had arranged is the best possible setting for DD1? You must feel completely overwhelmed by it all. Have you got other family support in RL?

@Littlefluffycloudos

Same here, 20 years married, together 27. He's not sure when he last loved me. I'm not even 50 yet but have adult kids so have more in common with this thread!

That said I'm getting asked out, it's crazy I know but I'm not ready yet, he's still in the spare room and will be for at least a year (hoping for property prices to crash so he goes sooner!)

Littlefluffycloudos good for you that you’re being asked out! I’m not ready to go on a date either but do so miss being loved ( still in shock that I didn’t know he had decided he didn’t love me anymore) I just don’t know if I’ll ever trust a man again or trust my judgment as I got it SO wrong!! But in 5 years all my beloved children will have flown the nest and the thought of being alone day after day scares me. I’ve sorted a job, a house, school, university, finances .... but can I find love again?

H is pushing to start process of divorce now. He moved out on July 1st. He says I can file for unreasonable behaviour and he'll just agree. We've not really any reasons just grown apart. I thought we'd wait 2 years but maybe I'll just get on with it. After 28 years married it just feels brutal. What is anyone else doing ? X

I left mid June and stbxh has been messaging friends and family begging them to help save his marriage after dating via tinder during the first few days of our split. I need to sort a solicitor and start the divorce process but having only just got a house rented my to do list is enormous!!

How are you all doing? X

Slightly better week thank-you, took the plunge and booked a holiday for me and the dc so we have a week in the sun to look forward to. I feel ok about it at the moment but will be very nervous next weekend.
Still not managed to file for divorce, ridiculous as it sounds as there's no going back it just seems too final but the reality is I can't move on until I've done that as we can't do the consent order to get finances sorted.
Maybe I'll do it this week before I go away, I should really and then a week away and come back and get on with my new life. The one I don't want ☹️
See every now and then I think like that and then the next day I retreat back into my can't do it mentality. Crazy.
He's still being an ar**, I've said it before but it's like a different person and not a nice one.
Is that normal, why would someone change so drastically and lose all their nice traits. Is that where the mid life crisis changes come in?
I suppose I'm still questioning and looking for answers, as opposed to looking to the future, but I still feel like the nice future I thought I had had gone and the one in its place as a sad and lonely one. He's the only man I've ever loved, I thought we were ok, I thought we would grow old together and never led me to believe anything different.

Can I just throw in pills for depression might not be what’s needed look at HRT for menopause
Please do symptoms come across very similar.
I strongly believe they can be real life changers.
Yesterday I sat in a really nice cafe looking out to the entrance at the crossing saw a couple Our age ..50s.They both at the same time instinctively held on to their hands.it could have been because I was filling in shit for mediation form.
I felt really sad cos I never ever had that in my over 23 years of hell hole crap fuckery marriage.
Wouldn’t it be a *** to go through life and not feel that special something.
I really would like to know what that feels like to be held to be made to feel safe to be listened too to be happy from within.
Anyway I’m just sending a shout out to all and every.
Heard some Barry white music and wept ..
My pain is the knowing it’s tick tock time is running out for me .Not concerned about the divorce at all ..just my after life ..hope someone gets this.
I still hate him switches between hatred and indifference.

I'm 57 and my divorce came through in Dec 2018. I think my husband left as I had a difficult menopause and it did something to my brain. Something that told me not to put up with his shit anymore.
Luckily I have always been financially independent and have a wonderful adult DS who is not his so it could be worse but I am angry that I invested 20 years on this idiot just to grow old alone.
I'm moving to the west Country in 2 months which has long been a dream of mine and I have lots of friends there. New adventures. Time for a change. It can be scary if you have been married for a long time but you are better off on your own than with a sub standard or boring husband.

Hi All
It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I avidly read what’s going on with you all.
I’m 9 months in to our separation, which I will remind you was my decision after years of his abusive tantrums.

In the first few months I was busy sorting out my finances etc and felt very proud of what I’d achieved. I loved my new found independence and was totally enjoying my own company.
Nothing has changed. I’ve still got my job, I’m managing slightly better than I thought I would financially, I’m socialising with friends but quite suddenly I’m feeling a little bit lost. Not anxious necessarily but a bit edgy. I never have thoughts of wanting him back. Quite the opposite.
Does anyone think this is normal? More importantly can anyone reassure me it will pass?
As a side..... I might be a bit menopausal. I’ve got blood tests scheduled for early August.
😊

VivaVegas I’m so glad you’ve booked your holiday. That’s a massive achievement xx
I’ve moved into our new home ( out of the school house) and my h doesn’t have the address. I feel so much more relaxed and am not constantly looking out for his car. He still is denying me access to our jointly owned house on the south coast and it looks like I’m going to have to take him to court. One piece of good news is that our house has sold to a cash buyer so hopefully it’ll all get settled quickly which may force him to stop avoiding sorting our finances. My lawyer says he’s never come across a man who is so reluctant to sort things out but who filed for divorce! I’m still shocked by how mean he’s been financially- he truly is a stranger. I’m missing him less and less - thinking about the h I’ve lost less too. I’m so grateful to have all my children under my roof and am set on making happy memories with them. My DS has blocked his father on his phone as he can’t take that he thinks he’s blameless and the innocent party. He’s sent texts saying it’s my fault he’s had to change schools! Such a cruel, selfish man has taken over the body of the h I once loved.

Hello, so much on here resonates with me. Not sure how to describe my situation. I’m the one wanting out. Dealt with a lot of anger (nothing physical) over the years and now we are essentially separated in the same house. We have nothing in common except joint experiences in the last few years and a lovenof mutual family. As someone said, one day I am courageous and the next day a coward, feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and wish someone would give me a shove!

Ramble me too - although I have spent months trying to find a way to get a shove. Unfortunately my H wont even separate in the same house, he wants to hang on to torment me.

Does make you think though, how many people are in this situation?

Yes, I often wonder exactly that, you can never really know what someone else’s marriage is like can you?
I think I am separated within the home and have been for years really, just got nothing formal in place and to be honest I feel like I need to now as the situation does not make me feel like a particularly pleasant person.
So sorry you are going through it as well. It is beyond hard.

Can I play too? I am 47 and setting myself up to do the same thing. All part of my five year plan. I have followed him around the world while he lived his best life, watching his ego expand with it, dealing with his ridiculous expectations that the kids would somehow raise themselves, having him minimize my sacrificing everything to support his career into “having adventures overseas” (reality was living in shitty suburb while HE got to travel and I dealt with aggressive neighbours, and full load with kids), to come back to home country to city I love, with lots of support for me, where kids were happy too. He ended up working for ten months, unemployed and depressed (aggressive, depressed, arsehole) for a year and then we moved to a city I loathe, kids miserable and he had micromanaged my life before I got here to have the same ridiculous expectations. Menopause kicked in, I exploded, signed myself up for full-time study and have a plan that includes a recession-proof career and getting out of here when the kids finish high school. (They’re all on board with this too, btw.)