Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

@Checkthemeaning51 this sounds awful - how old are your DCs? Does he want custody or something? What do you think he is up to?

@DIishingOutDone my children are 19, 16 and 14. Eldest is daughter with DS.

I think he's trying hard to get all my children to live with him. Youngest never wants to see him again. She's hurting very much.

He eventually called me after I left a message threatening to call the Police I was so worried. I had a CAD number as I'd called them to explain I was worried there might be duress placed on my daughter to go with him. Police said to call if I had any issues.

H said they'd got back at 8:30pm and went to a family BBQ. Some excuse DDs phone out of charge and he'd forgotten to call. When I said that wasn't good enough he started shouting at me and hung up. Grovelling text received with his excuses, which I've passed to the social worker.

Again hardly any sleep for me and up half night with gripey tummy and nausea. Can't wait for the 35c heat today taking hot flushes to new high!

Have a great day wonderful women!

Just turned dreaded big 5 0! Separated last July, certainly an eye opener. Although its hard been a single parent of two grown up teenage lads, with dad giving no breaks, its worth every bit of it. It took 3.5 years, under the most hostile horrible atmosphere so I'm so glad of our peace now.

KarenElizabeth1 many happy returns and May your next 59 years be hostile free and full of happiness xx
Checkthemeaning51 surely any judge would see it’s not best for your daughter to be so far from her mum and the area she knows. I hope she asks to come home after her week away xxxx
VivaVegas- how are you?
I’ve spent all weekend moving our furniture and belongings into our new rented home. Now returning to the school house feels odd. It’s empty and echoing! I plan to stay until the 11th when my son finishes school then move into our new home for good. It’s been painful and therapeutic sorting through 25 years of belongings and thinning things out as we’re downsizing. I’m so grateful to my friends and sister who have spent hours transporting boxes in car loads as I can’t afford a removal firm. We’ve virtually done it and I feel relieved, emotional and a tiny bit excited! I’ve accepted that my h destroyed our marriage and there’s no going back. At 45 I’ll be sleeping in a tiny single bed in an itsy bitsy box room when my children are all home and I don’t mind one bit as it’ll mean we’re all together and making new precious memories. What a sad old fool my h is to choose to opt out on being in our family at this point in our children’s lives. Now I just need to muster up the strength to stomach these last few days in the school house to support my son- I can’t wait to fall asleep somewhere that my h has never been- it’s felt like he’s haunted me. Maybe my dreadful nightmares will be over !! Xx

Jem45, that all ahead of me as I have to sell up when boys finish college probably next 4/5 years and I'll be lucky if I can afford anything. But i'm still grateful to be away from my x, its their loss girls.

Definitely their loss. And I’ve found I can make huge decisions on my own! In the last few months I’ve sorted out a new school for my son, supported my daughter through A levels and auditions for drama school, arranged student finance for both DDs, got a new job, rented a new home and moved without paying for removals, fundraised and helped my eldest achieve her dream of doing charity work in Africa... all whilst working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ferrying my kids around, looking after 2 dogs and a cat!!! I’m not trying to show off but am changing my mindset and forcing myself to be a bit proud of how I’m coping. I think us girls are good at down playing what we’ve coped with. Anyone else like me who doesn’t praise themselves for what they’ve done since h left? Write on here what you’ve achieved!!! It’s free therapy!!!

H gradually moving his stuff out. Still loads in garage. I have fed him and done his ironing and washing while he's been moving in over the last two weeks. Last night was his first not sleeping in my bed. He's been for tea tonight and as he left with a few more bits I asked for his key to this house. He was really annoyed. I don't have a key to his new place. What does anyone think. I feel really mean but it's him that wants to move on. He has a 50k interest in the house until I sell in 5 years (we had just agreed this ourselves as got to wait 2 years for divorce). Any advice appreciated x

Crikey Jem you are amazing btw. I can even decide whether let H keep his key. I have always looked after everything- finances, diy, garden, kids and worked ft but lately I feel like a wreck..menopause not helping.. Here's to getting strong again

Joselyn66 I’d take back the key or Id forever be listening out for him letting himself in!! You’ve been so patient doing his washing and cooking etc. As you say he’s chosen to move on so he now can’t have it both ways... being cared for by you and breaking your heart!! You sound like you did everything yourself anyway so now take back control over your future and decide your ground rules! Us girls all have that extra reserve of inner strength!! Thinking of you xxxx

Nearly all of us on here tell a similar story. We’re all hurting and worrying. But what comes through from EVERYONE is this strength to carry on - why do we do that? Because our children, no matter what age, depend on that. We’ve all stayed strong because we want this to be as easy as possible for them even though we feel like we’re dying inside. All of us would do ANYTHING to protect our children from hurt and pain
And that, my dears, is the difference. It’s what makes us strong and able to get through each day. And it does and will get easier. A friend said to me when H left “I don’t know how you’re coping, I’d just sit in the corner and cry”. I told her “I have 3 kids, a house to run and I work full time - it’s not an option”
All of you are doing amazing - even on the days that you think you’re not
Be kind to yourselves and give yourselves a huge pat on the back for everything you’re coping with

Jen1519 - thank you for that reminder. Our children are the most important ones in all of this. I hate seeing mine suffer at the moment. Even though my DS has chosen to go with his father I hear the sadness in his voice. I reassure him every day that I love him and he has a home with me whenever he needs it. My youngest DD is really hurting, but day by day I can see her getting stronger. My eldest DD (with Down's Syndrome) is very confused. She's currently with her father for a visit, but I can't help but worry about her. He has said he won't bring her back if she wants to stay.

What's really incensed me tonight is something I've read. H had seen a therapist for years, partly for work and also for his own purposes. I've seen an email from the therapist (shared appleid's are the gift that keeps giving). He has basically congratulated my husband on his escape, hopes everything will settle down and my DD2 will come round in time as long as I don't poison her against H. I was shocked. I honestly believe this man has contributed to this situation. I'm hatching a plan to get a session with him myself in disguise of course, to sit and tell him about my H leaving us and ripping our family apart etc....I really want to see the whites of this guy's eye and then ask him to send the bill to my husband....Of course this is a revenge fantasy, a way to hit out. It lasts about 2 minutes. I decided instead to email a "ball-breaking" lawyer I've been given the details for. That will have a far better end for me I know. The who blamed who stuff is immaterial, I need to secure a future for my children. His choice to move 300 miles away may backfire on him. I think he want's to get this over and done with quickly, but its in my interests to drag it out.

We do have an inner strength, but as time moves from the event I can see already other people have moved on. Where I've been inundated with calls, texts etc tonight is the first night with no contact from anyone. Its partly a relief, partly very sad. I feel quite lonely. My DD2 is off on a school trip on Wednesday until Saturday. I'm happy for her, she needs some distraction and time away from me! I'm dreading being at home on my own. This house is not the same and never will be. I don't even know if I can remain here even with a favourable financial result.

Its only a month since I found out about all this, it all feels so raw. Its been the longest month of my life and the shortest. Everything feels wrong, there are gaps around my house where his things used to be. As much as I hate him, I miss him. I'm sure you know how I'm feeling. I hate feeling like this. I just want to feel loved and cherished, yet I want to be on my own, mistress of my own destiny. I feel so conflicted. Some days I'm strong, other days not. I'll be happier when I know DD1 is home and with me. sorry for the rant, I feel like c^^p right now.

Hello, I’d love to join the chat if I can. I’m 42 and my husband announced we should separate last week because he didn’t love me ‘like that’ anymore. He’s being kind, reasonable, the lot which is making it all a lot harder.

We have one amazing child, 4 and we’re discussing continuing to live together for the foreseeable both for her and for financial reasons.

It’s all so hard. I’ve read through the whole thread and like a lot of people on here am grieving for what I thought my and my child’s life would be and what it now is.

Of course you can join us Littlefluffycloudos. I hope we can support you. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make life as happy as possible for your child. Please look after yourself too. My h thought we’d continue as usual with me cooking, cleaning, doing his washing and ironing but it wasn’t a life that I could live. My children ended up with a mum so depressed, belittled and feeling worthless. Everyone has different things they can cope with so I respect whatever decisions you choose. Just make sure that you still have life too as you’ve done nothing wrong. Xxxxx

Hi Jem, thanks for the welcome!

We do equal shares around the house, in fact he does all the cooking and washing so it’s not like I’m looking after him. This is one of the issues I guess, he’s great around the house, we get on well, he’s a great dad, a good person. But he’s right, our relationship is like best friends and not a relationship. I feel so sad it’s turned out like this.

So my stbxh and I split less than 2 weeks ago. He has been begging me to try again. Then last night a friend saw him on a date in an out of the way pub. Holding hands with a mystery woman. I asked a different friend to check tinder and lo and behold he has an account as a single guy. I feel sideswiped. How can that be on his horizon already. It is the last thing I want. I’m broken

Hello all. Haven't read the whole thread but the first and last page was enough.... Hope it's OK to join you?
H told me 18 months ago that the spark had gone etc etc following a difficult period where I had a mini break down. Changed jobs etc, he supported me through all but said he felt it had drained the relationship ...
Been fighting to save things ever since but to no end, we have done counselling and I no longer have the energy.
To put in context, we are both 47, three kids 17 17 12, married 21 years and together 25. He is a fantastic father and there is no one else. But that makes the feelings of rejection worse really.
This week we will be telling the kids. We have waited to do this because the house had been on the market anyway as we were struggling financially, we have sold and bought two separate houses. Kids know we are moving to one but not anything else although I think one of the twins has a pretty good idea.
I am bricking it but am determined that H explain to them why he is going as I don't understand so no idea how to tell them. And I don't want to chuck blame around.
Any advice gratefully recieved ❤️ x

Glad and sad to welcome you crocoonimper to this thread. I ended up telling my 2 DCs as H kept putting it off as don't think he could offer a decent explanation either. I just said it was happening but we would all remain friends and keep things as easy as possible (fingers crossed). There was no real reason H offered just a 'grown apart' I thought we would grow closer as DC didn't need us so much now they were older but that can't happen now. My DC are coming to terms with it reasonably well...early days though... it's just been over a week since telling them and H has finally moved out. Still coming for his tea though!

Welcome @crocoonimper, sorry you’re going through this. I’m there at the moment in that my husband wants to finish it just because he’s ‘not in love’ with me anymore. No-one else. 20 year relationship. It’s all so sad isn’t it.

We have to rise above the blame game for the children’s sake when all we want to do is tell them how stupid their dad is being

Ha stbxh now messaging saying he misses me. Bloody cheek after his tinder exploits. Yuck!

@Joselyn66 and @Littlefluffycloudos Thank you for your welcome. My God what is it with these men? When there is no good reason to blow apart a marriage... infidelity, alcohol, twattiness, worse things - all cited in anything we read regarding divorce/separation.
My H, we went to a mutual friends wedding this weekend and of the few people who know things are bad, ALL of them said wow, how well are you handling this you both seem so grounded .... NO ! He just seems to think that he’s made his mind up and so everything is hunky dory but it isn’t ladies is it? When you still love someone but they have rejected you after 25 years of being completely secure.
We are planning to tell the kids on
Weds this week - then should I be telling him to sleep in spare room etc? Probably, but so confused...
Happy to hold hands along the way ladies, so sad to hear of others in the nothing as a reason boat - twazzocks these men and it WILL be their loss... x

@crocoonimper would be great to support each other. I’m finding it very hard at the moment. My daughter is only 4 too so it’s seems so much worse for her.

And yes spare room sounds the way ahead...

@Littlefluffycloudos bless her - and you. I suggested to H earlier that he would be moving to the spare room after speaking to the kids tomorrow night. He seemed a bit gobsmacked and said if that’s what you want. “No it’s not what I want you dumb sod. But the kids will need to understand”
I mean what did he think was going to happen? It’s killing me going to bed and waking up with him every night knowing he doesn’t want me. What message does it give them if that stays the same - a bloody confusing one oh wait.... yep still confused thanks H but where is your head at?!!!
Rant over sorry. 😇

Sorry you’re both going through this too - but welcome xxx I had to sit in the same room as my h to watch my son in a show last night. I’ve not physically seen him since last September when I told him to leave. I’ve found it hard to eat and sleep in the week building up to last night. I stayed outside until the last moment then crept in to sit in the back row. As I entered my h stood up and stared straight at me. My heart was beating so loudly I think everyone in the hall could hear it. It was so strange as he looked sooooo different. His hair has turned completely white and he’s put on at least 2 stone!!! It was like seeing a stranger. You girls are so brave facing your h day in day out. My h nearly destroyed me and I’ll never allow him to make me feel so low ever again. The only way I can cope is to eliminate him from my life. My children choose to have no contact and he’s chosen to move 90 miles away!!! On Thursday I’m moving into my rental home and he hasn’t got my address. I’m utterly exhausted after moving everything into our new home ( with the help of friends) and have shocked myself with my physical strength and DIY skills!! I have to make a new, secure, happy life for my children and will do whatever it takes to do that. I literally can’t wait to sit in my new garden and have a BBQ with my beloved children. These men have their midlife crisis and us women sort out the mess they create. I wish you the strength to make new lives for yourself and your children xxxxx

@Jem45 that sounds so hard. But you were strong. And your future sounds positive. So congrats!

I am 55 and going through divorce. My children are both going to uni this September. I am terrified of having to deal with everything and of being on my own. I am considering putting a stop to the divorce as it is making me feel so unwell, depressed and anxious. DH had a relationship with another woman which I discovered through reading messages. He works away from home. I feel I am too old to start again. Any thoughts would be most welcome - thank you.