Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Had a fitful night’s sleep as yesterday evening my h’s school threw a leaving party for him! Never mind that he’s had an affair with a member of staff which gave me no choice but to leave and now after just a few years he’s off resulting in our son losing his fee discount so having to leave !! He’s bought shame upon the school but the governors are toffee nosed, chauvinistic, old men who begged him to stay!! They’ve even asked the parents to contribute for a leaving gift and as I’ve not gossiped and have basically hidden away I’m sure many will donate not knowing what a cruel, mean man he’s become!! Sorry for the rant but I’m sick of how unfair it’s all been!!!

Jem this is awful, what strength you must have to have not said anything. Sleep as difficult as it can be to get in this situation is the only time we get not to think about it. I hope you can use some of that strength today. How awful for your son, having to leave his school. I'd have exposed him, but that's me in my angry mood. We all have unique experiences and have to get through this the best we can.

My H moves into his new house today. He's called my eldest D and told her he will be collecting her on Friday to go and live with him. He has not contacted me or my other D. I feel very 😡 right now, but have made it to work so hopefully will be distracted ery soon. Have a good day, thinking of you x

You just rant away!!! Anything that helps you get through it. It’s still a mans world
You’ll come out of this stronger and will be able to hold your head high - he won’t be able to say the same - tosser
I’ve realised I have no clue what goes on in blokes heads anymore

Told my 2 DC tonight. Took it really badly. I don't what to do now. One out, one not speaking. They are 20s but still live at home. I've ruined their lives. H wasn't here but told me to get on with it as he wants to move out this weekend. I feel like the worst mum ever. H is back now. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. It's the lowest point in my life

You are NOT the worst mum!! You had no choice!! Can’t believe he wasn’t even there to support you. All you can do is be there for your children and continue to love and care for them. My h chose to destroy our marriage as he felt the children were old enough to cope (13,17,19). They were shocked, distraught, angry!! However old they are they’re still our children!! They feel he lied to them too. I know what it feels like to be at the lowest point and it’s continuing to be a bumpy ride with ups and downs. But I’m gradually getting used to my new family unit without him and so are my kids. They are adamant that they don’t miss him and now after 10 months it doesn’t feel like someone is missing when we’re all together. Sadly they had noticed that he’d become more selfish and had reduced the amount of time and interest he had in their lives long before he dropped the “bomb” on my life! We will get through this. My brother said “You can’t replace your children but you can replace your husband!!” If I HAD to choose who to lose it would never be my children!! Joselyn66 we all understand your grief and will get through this together xxx

Thank you Jem for your thoughtful words and sharing your experiences throughout this thread. I have been following it for some time now hoping to build up courage for what we all are having to go through. I only hope this is the lowest point for my little family. DC mean more to me than anything at all and I know they know I love them even if they angry With me for now. I'm glad I can post things here for help from others that understand... though like everyone else's says I wish we weren't all going through it x

Hope you are ok Joselyn. At least things are now out in the open. We all understand and are here to support you x

Joselyn66 thinking of you, we all feel a collective pain as another family goes through it. I have gained great comfort from being able to share here. I hope you can find support here too safe in the knowledge we're going through similar thoughts, feelings.

I've seen the impact on the children. It doesn't matter how old they are when their parents split, it is still a trauma for them. You and your Ds are the priority now. I can't believe how often I read here about men being cowards. Never in a million years would I have said my H would be like that. He was one of the most compassionate people I know, but he is acting like a a complete coward (want to use alternative swear word here but won't).

Youngest D had prize giving at school yesterday. I was so proud of her and the resilience she's showing right now. Her Dad didn't contact her, wish hěr good luck, not even a congratulatory text. He was too busy moving into his new house. These are days in a child's life that stand out. I tried hard to make yesterday about her, we went for a celebratory pizza afterwards and didn't give him a second thought.

So, day after H moved out I wrote to his siblings who all live in the same small town 300 miles from us. It was the same letter to all of them. He has chosen to return and live amongst them and my son is also with him, but not for long I hope. My letter outlined some of the difficulties we'd faced from my perspective as he'll twist the truth to suit. However it was more a reminder to them that their neices and nephew are caught up in this, have had little or no choice from their father's decision and that DC have received no support from their aunts/uncles who claim to care for them. Amazing how holding up a mirror on their behaviour has pricked their conscience as the contrite voice mails and texts start to come through. H family very big and all bar a handful they all live in the same town, so H has a wealth of support at his disposal.

Today is will be good day, that is my resolve as I now prepare to wake my beautiful "babies" Have a great day all x

Good morning to you all. When I was at rock bottom and my son was struggling terribly he couldn’t get to sleep without me laying with him until he’d drifted off. We started doing a positive mind exercise! We now both think of “Anything bad about today? Then anything good about today. Finally what am I looking forward to tomorrow?” Now during the day I’m more aware of allowing myself to register the “good” moments as perhaps I was punishing myself for allowing my family unit to be destroyed. There are definitely less “bads” and increasingly more “goods” and I consciously make sure I’ve planned in things to look forward to.( Today I’ve booked the hairdresser which I haven’t been to since December!!- my h has turned completely grey and shaved his head!!!) My h certainly is showing no signs of regret or spending his days weeping as I’ve done! So I wish us all lots of “goods” today - even if they’re small ones!!

Further to Jem’s mindfulness questions we have a slight variation developed when one of our dc was miserable at school in early secondary years. Last thing at night the question was what’s the best thing that happened today. We found that asking for good things too often got the answer nothing - which was not a helpful thought to go to sleep on - for them or us. A best thing usually got a response that could be interpreted positively.

Thank God I've found somewhere to share my story and hopefully get help and support. I'm 55 and married 29 years. We live in Ireland although I'm English. I've spent the best part of our marriage keeping us together because of promises I couldn't keep, basically, my lack of libido has been a massive problem. But almost 12 months ago I quit alcohol, that was the final straw for hubby, no sex or socialising. He has nothing going on in his life and wants a separation. He emailed me (finds it hard to converse) and suggested I get my own place and he'd buy me out of the house we currently share with four children. (Two of which are working at a summer camp in USA) I won't leave until my son (our youngest child) completes the next two years in school., then my plan is to move back to England and buy a small house for myself and son.

Hi Zarag - so glad you found us but so sad you’re in this situation. Xx I’m glad that you have a plan for your next step. I’m saddened that he’s wants to walk away from 29 years of marriage for sex and booze!! You are worth much more than that!!!
On a completely different note- I did summer Camp in America as a teenager and it was fabulous. I’ve got such happy memories of this adventure. I wish your eldest two to both be having an amazing summer! Xxxx

Than you Jen, it's early days for me, I know there's going to be lots of tears along the way, so I really need loads of support and I feel I'm in the right place. I have one good friend here and I'm getting counselling.

One of my daughters is having a blast in Connecticut, the other is coming home futon Upstate New York, she's been a victim of bullying, hubby is taking legal proceedings against the company.
It never rains....

Should have spellchecked my post Jem* And no idea where futon came from lol

Hi ladies - how are you all doing? At least it’s almost the weekend x

Zarag so sorry to hear about bullying! Sadly not all people behave kindly or fairly.... not even husbands we’ve been married to for decades!! I can’t get over that the man I adored, fell asleep next to, had 3 children with- is now a stranger!

My attempts at grey rock failed yesterday after I had drink wine and he texted to say our dog has cancer and is likely to die imminently. It was a learning curve though - one text from me and loads back from him. It encouraged him that he had an audience I think.

Surely the 50s is the best time to do this, financially solvent with probably no mortgage, children grown, craving a bit of your own space. As the jam sung 'two people missing the tranquility of solitude'

Sadly if you’re not craving your own space there is no best time for a marriage and family unit to be destroyed! I’ve gone from mortgage free to renting and grown up children hurt just as much as little ones.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc so sorry to hear about your dog and bombardment of texts x

But if one party wants that space, how do you handle it?

I'm imagining us all sitting in big armchairs with wine asking ourselves these really hard questions and hand holding @Theworldcouldbemymollusc who is losing a dear friend, their dog.

I'm literally being destroyed by having to split in my late 50s; leaving my beautiful house, financial security all lost, I'm scared. I still need to provide for the kids, god knows I've provided bugger all previously - an unhappy home. Its the sense of time lost.

I went to a funeral today back to the place I used to live 40 years ago (not long before The Jam wrote that song @ctfenring - I had the album on real vinyl!!) I imagined how I stood there in that town centre 40 years ago aged 16, as my youngest is now, with all my life in front of me, and I gave it to my husband because I didn't know any better - and then when I did know better, I didn't have the courage to sort things out and now here we are , literally repenting at our remaining leisure. The funeral was for a man who was with his partner, one of my best friends, for 30+ years, same age as me; came from same town; and everyone was giving tributes about their love story and a life filled with happiness and wonderful family events - even though that guy has died, they had a wonderful relationship. I can't get my time back and have another bash

Its a tough one, I think people can naturally drift. Some people like space and time to themselves and after raising children maybe feel the time is right for that. You pour everything into raising kids and then the main bit is done and you look back and realise everything else you had at one point has gone. I'm not sure what possesses some to stay and others to leave. I can say its not always another woman though, have always been loyal and if I left it would be due to that part of me that looks back to when I lived alone, had various activities in my life and yearns for it.

Rough few days. Watching my DC heartbroken is the absolute worst thing ever. They are being over cheerful to hide their feelings. H is moving out this weekend. He's the only one genuinely happy with this situation and doesn't even try to hide it. I feel angry, hurt, frustrated and frightened all over again. I know the worst of that will pass but feel I'm always now gonna be scared of how we'll cope financially. Still Hoping everyone can enjoy some part of this sunny weekend x

Hi everyone, so glad to be back, the last 48 hours have been very difficult. Just when i thought things couldn't make me feel any worse they did and I know there will be more of this in the future. So after an upbeat Wednesday, I came crashing down on Thursday. H sent me text saying he would be picking up my DD1 (my angel, with Down's Syndrome) from her final day at college after 3 years (today) and was taking her back to his house 300 miles away. Seemingly he'd called her and agreed all this. In my core I knew this was not appropriate, firstly its only a week since H left with my son and there has been a lot of upset. DD1 appeared to be conflicted, she wants to see her father, but also wants to be at home with her sister and to see her friends. I feared some kind of scene and duress if he came to get her.

I tried everything I could to stop this. However, her transition social worker who only met her yesterday, decided she had mental capacity so has agreed that she can make her own decisions and if she wants to visit her father I can't stop it. I agreed that she could go for a week. H has said that if she decides to stay he will not be bringing her back. I felt so low. When I didn't think I could feel any lower, I logged onto family computer only to find his email account still open and several emails from a lawyer as he's instructed them to serve divorce papers on me. I saw a solicitor a couple of weeks ago, who had suggested we let things cool down. He had not been gone a week.

I was dreading today, I sent H a text asking him not to come near our house for the foreseeable future as I am not ready for him to visit. I arranged with College to come and be there when DD1 wsa leaving. I brought her a weeks clothes. H arrived and seemed shocked I was there. He had driven 300 miles down and was turning round and going back. I was concerned this could easily be a 14+ hour round trip. As I type I have not heard whether DD1 has arrived safely. I have texted him but no response. All of this is psychological abuse.

How can loathing be as strong as love once was?

Also need the name of ball-breaking lawyer - female of course. Recommendations gratefully received.