Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Oh my goodness Checkthemeaning51- your day was unreal! I honestly think sometimes I’m living in a movie or book plot as my h has deceived me so badly! VivaVegas I’ve cried more tears than I thought humanly possible xxxx

I wish I could feel better Jen I really do.
I know we're done I've accepted that but I just hate the life I'm left with.
Hate not seeing my DC every day, that's something I really struggle with. I keep myself busy when I'm on my own but feel that's all I'm doing filling my time.
I feel so lonely, I miss our little family unit and all the things we used to do. I miss feeling safe and secure and feel old, ugly and unwanted instead.
And the DC are with me this weekend which is so much better but then on the other hand I will wonder what he is doing and who he is with and torture myself with that.
I'm a bit of a mess aren't I, I wish I wasn't but I can't shake it off and move on.
How on earth can I change my mindset?
I've spent a fortune on counselling but have stopped as I don't think it's changed how I feel and I may as well talk about it over and over again as I do to friends for free instead!

VivaVegas I ve been feeling the same as you for nearly a year and have tried therapy too. I know I’ve been grieving for the h I loved, the family life I had and the future I didn’t consider I was at risk of losing. My emotions have been all over the place and tears have literally only been a blink away. I’ve never felt so much despair and know I’ve been depressed. I feel I’m coming out of it. Ive made myself exercise regularly and get outside every day. I’ve got dogs which has helped as they’re so loving I’m never alone!! They sense my mood and if I’m alone and crying they snuggle up to me and help lift my mood. They also help structure my day especially when I’m alone. Have you got pets?? I’m trying not to talk about my problems every time I see my friends as all I do is end up crying! So I’m focused on making new memories and doing different things with friends and my kids.... ice skating/ art gallery/ picnics/bike rides/go for a swim/visit a new town... I’m taking loads of happy photos to look at when I’m struggling. I accept I can’t go back to my old life- my h doesn’t exist anymore and he’s taken nearly a year of my life away from me. He’s got what he wants so I figure he’s not missing me or regretting his decision so I’m determined to move on and take back control over my life. I wish we lived near each other so we could support each other in person! VivaVegas I’m sending you a huge hug! We will be happy again and we will post on here how we’ve not only survived but how we’re flourishing and our hs are miserable and lonely!! Xxxxx

Also I’ve started enjoying reading again. It’s great to get lost in a book and forget about my own life for a bit!! It’s taken me a few months to regain the ability to concentrate! At first I had to keep rereading the same pages as I couldn’t retain what was going on in the story!!

Jem- I used to read loads and it’s the one thing that I’ve not done since he left nearly a year ago! I will get back into it I hope

Thanks Jem sometimes I feel I need to give myself a kick up the backside and be grateful for what I have but I've just lost everything that was important to me which is why I'm finding it hard.
I used to read a lot but like you said I just don't have the concentration at the moment. I used to bake a lot but haven't until the last couple of weeks when I've enjoyed doing that. I have exercised a lot since this started, I've lost lots of weight and am fitter and have the best figure I've had in years, but now there's no one to notice!
One of the positives is definitely how friends have been so supportive and friendships that had slipped have been found again.
I had an awful summer last year thanks to H, I really shouldn't let him ruin this year's as well. Must try harder to feel better about myself, and my new future, if only it were that easy!

Hi Ladies, crap few days! DH returned from Download subdued and making lots of conciliatory gestures. My mortgage offer came through and he declared he wasn't ready to walk from marriage but I should continue with the re-mortgage; we could work on relationship with him staying in our home. I thought he had come to his senses until tonight I find messages to his friends and family declaring he was finishing with OW and was staying put. Now he never admitted to OW despite me asking him outright so now everything he's said has just been lies. Right?
So, do I confront him, risk his wrath and jeopardise my mortgage (reliant on him transferring equity) or do I stay quiet for 6 weeks or so until the legals are done and dusted. I'm gutted as I thought he had been honest and wanted fresh start.

Mybrilliant that's really hard. I'm convinced my H has had an affair but he always denies it but he has a friendship with a woman who he has lied about to me and for me because of those lies I could never trust him again which is very sad as I've always trusted him 100% before.
Only you can make that decision, has he finished with her and he's making the choice to come back to you or has he been dumped.
I feel for you as it's such a tricky one. But if you want to fight for your marriage then that's what you should do, people on here often criticise for doing that and say just get rid but until these things happen to you I don't think anyone can understand how it feels.

My h denies he’s had an affair too but I don’t believe him. He’s apparently lied to me for years about our marriage so I can’t trust a word he says!! Mybrilliantmind you have to do what’s right for you and not just what’s best for your kids. If you feel you still love and trust him then you’ve got my support... if not maybe sit put for a few weeks and at least get all the legal stuff done so you’re in the best possible position to rebuild your life xxx
Have had a very trying day but for the first time since h has left I didn’t ache for his support! I got up at 5am and walked our dogs before driving my eldest daughter to Gatwick for an adventure of a lifetime volunteering in Uganda. H had praised her a year ago when she started fundraising to go then quickly decided she should give up her dream when he destroyed our family as it dawned on him that now there are money issues. This spurred her on to defy him and through a year of hard graft she was of ... until the airline refused to let her board as she has a peanut allergy and epipens!! She’d told the travel agent and had a medical letter from our GP. They would not budge and we spent 5 hours trying to rearrange another flight. After a few tears we got our act together and she’s currently on her way to Qatar. ( alone!!) She’ll have an 8 hour stop over then another flight but we did it and on Sunday afternoon she’ll be with the charity group and on a jungle trek!! Wish it was me!! Her father doesn’t even know she’s gone!! My girls are going to be different women to how I was- stronger, independent with self belief. VivaVegas now my depression and sadness seems to have morphed into anger!! I didn’t lose all that was precious to me
( family/ husband...) he chose to take it away!! I think my anger is less self destructive and helps me have the power to push on. I will not have another summer stolen from me. I will do loads with my kids/ friends and family ( I won’t keep turning down invitations!) and I will urge myself to actually enjoy life not pine for what once was. I don’t regret my marriage as it gave me my 3 wonderful kids - I do regret allowing him to do this without standing up for myself!! Xx

So ladies an update.... Day 1 of the rest of my life is nearly completed and its been a good day.

H and DS packed up new car yesterday and left yesterday. I returned from work to see he'd been busy packing, so asked him if he was still planning on leaving on Monday which is what he had said. As it appeared he'd done all he needed to why was he dragging it out, it felt cruel and heartless to my daughters. A big row kicked off. Sadly DS takes over the argument as H remains silent when he knows he's wound me up to the max. It was escalating so I pleaded with him to leave. He got the message and left. I realised today after conversation with DD1 that he'd planned to leave last night anyway and stay with his cousin before heading north. So the argument was contrived to upset me and make it look like he was doing me a favour by leaving earlier than planned. My brother and family came to be with us today, which has helped so much. The girls really enjoyed it. Guess what, not a cross word said today, harmony reigns.

I have felt sadness like no other today. The thought of hope and dreams gone, happy family times never quite being the same again. As I sit here on my sofa I feel lonely despite having a raft of friends and supportive family. H and I always had so many things in common, music, books, interests etc. Over the last month I have missed just chatting to him.

Jem45 you sound like you have had a testing day, but your strength and determination is a great example for your daughters. I want my daughters to see me being resilient and strong even if I feel weak and vulnerable.

Ive had watershed moments in my life, losingy mother in my early twenties wS hard, life would never be the same again after that, so to wbn my DD1 was born with a disability, now today, another watershed moment as my H leaves me... telling the world he can no longer live with or tolerate this woman. The fight back starts here, today was my new birthday!

Checkthemeaning51 you are an amazing woman and your children will see that and be so proud of you. I don’t miss my h as much now and I know the man I do think of just doesn’t exist anymore!! I don’t know what my new future holds but I’m going to try to have fun finding out. Today I start moving into my rented house!!! I have friends all turning up at 11 to take car loads for me as I can’t afford removals. I’ve got until the 11th to get out so I’m going to try and enjoy this first step of my new family’s adventure!!

Hi ladies, hope your weekend is going ok. Been catching up on the thread to see how you are all doing. You are all so brave!
I’ve not been in a great place lately as my head is all over the place and the company I work for is closing down so that’s another thing to worry about.
Trying to be positive and look to the future but easier said than done. OH should have now received the divorce petition & acknowledgement of service so needs to send it back to court within a certain timeframe. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it to me though so I need to wait for a reply from the court.

Jem good luck with the house move x

Thank you Jem, good luck with your move today. It sounds like you have wonderful friends you can rely on. Happy Sunday all x

Can I join? I’m 48 and been with stbxh for 13 years. He has been abusive to me and also has a personality disorder so things have been very painful. He refuses to believe he has issues and blames me for everything. He scared me a couple of weeks ago by screaming in my face over nothing so I made plans to leave. When he went away for a few days I left the house and went to refuge. It was awful there so we are staying at a friends. I swing between hysterical tears and anger. I’m tempted to begin divorce proceedings immediately.

We’d love to have you join us theworldcouldbemymollusc and we will support you to get through this. It sounds like you’re an incredibly brave woman who will inspire us!! Xxxx Sending you a huge hug so you know you’re not alone xxx

Thank you. The reality is that I could have got out sooner but he genuinely has some great qualities and the good times used to heavily outnumber the bad. Since he lost his job and I went back to uni his behaviour has been horrendous - saying awful stuff to me and my kids and people began to tell me his behaviour was abusive. We tried counselling but he would not listen or accept any responsibility and I was feeling worse and worse. I knew I was flogging a dead horse and that I would not survive my next uni placement of 100 days whilst still with him. But since I left he has not contacted me at all since the first morning about money. It feels awful to think he maybe didn’t ever love me

Hi theworldcouldbemymollusc, I'm a newbie here too, but have found it very helpful. It sounds like a very difficult time for you. As we have come to realise here the man we thought we knew doesn't exist. I would never have thought my husband would chose his siblings over his own children. He's moved back to his small hometown in the NW (with our DS) where they all live. Leaving 2DDs with me. I've just seen a photo of him on Instagram grinning like a Cheshire cat, champagne glass in hand at a family BBQ with them all, like the return of the Prodigal son. I felt sick.

Like you, he had many qualities I admired, I speak in the past tense because I no longer admire him. I would have had more respect for him if he'd moved where he could still have regular contact with the children, but his choices are all about him.

You are strong, it sounds like you are doing something positive with your studying. I know how difficult that can be from experience, but it will be worth it on so many levels. Stick with it, you will gain so much self-esteem when you have that qualification in your hand knowing you've completed it whilst going through a very difficult time. Then reap the rewards it may offer you. Better job prospects, more money, more responsibility etc... . And don't look back. Ive been toying with the idea of doing a part time Masters, my husband called it a vanity project and with a very busy job I wondered if I'd be able to cope. I don't know what the next few weeks and months will be like - hard I'm imagining, but I'm going to dust off that idea again and not be put off by H petty jealousy. Good luck and stay strong.

PS... Got sent this link today by a dear friend: www.huffpost.com/entry/9-things-you-gain-when-your-spouse-walks-out_n_571681f8e4b0018f9cbb5e82

@VivaVegas @ LivingInLondonTown
Hi there,
I have had a break from this chat for a few months and also put my head in the sand ... I have made absolutely no progress moving forward at all.
Now separated for two years which means that we can use that as our reason for divorce, but neither of us have taken the next step. Not sure why this is. He clearly has no desire to get back with me, and I am now reconciled to the fact that the person he is now, is not the person I loved for over 25 years and there is no future for us together.
I am frankly terrified of the legal fees to instigate divorce proceedings - I live in an expensive city and my fees for two hour meetings with one letter (poorly written, with my stbxh name spelt wrong) were £850. My lawyer would clearly like litigation and I don't want to spend the small amount I have saved on her bills. So my preference is to agree things with my ex and get it all written up once we have agreed. However, I'm fairly sure I will end up with less. But if the huge chunks of money just goes on legal fees then it would seem to end up with the same result ?!?!
So, I am really keen to get some advice on what route to take for the finalising of our marriage. Youngest child is 13.
He has no real involvement with children, barely sees them, barely speaks/contacts them. Currently pays me a fair monthly payment which is for him a small amount.
He wants a 'clean break' financial settlement. He has two chunky pensions, I have none.
He has very good income, I have none. Seeking work but no real luck, having not worked for 20 years to bring up children and look after house and him.
So far have sold family home and split it 50/50. We were lucky that this allowed us both to buy a small property each. Was told by solicitor that I should not have agreed to 50/50 split but I didn't want a fight or to be greedy, but equally I don't want to be a mug and regret being fair when I am in my 60's (I am early 50's now).
It's all so hard.
As you all say, it just seems so weird thinking of a future without him, but the man he is now is so changed and his version of re-writing our lives is not the way it was. At times I reflect on what went wrong and see it as a combination of failings on both our parts but he is just such a different person now. Hard to see how someone who loved me so much now feels such indifference for me.
Sorry to see so many have joined this group in the last few months and there is no comfort in the number of us, but it is good to read the positive comments and know we are not alone.
Hoping for a good week ahead for us all.

Checkthemeaning51 my h posts pictures of himself “being happy” too. How cruel!
Hamilton12 I’ve had to use a lawyer because my h has become a manipulative liar. I know I have to fight for the best financial deal I can get to afford to survive and as I’m financially supporting 2 in uni I need every penny. Also I no longer feel I can cope seeing him - to get through my depression I’ve accepted that the man I loved is gone from this earth so I can’t face seeing him / speaking to him. My MH is improving so I have to focus on what’s best for me now xxx

@Checkthemeaning51
Hi - my friends all think I am being very soft I’m not just getting a lawyer to take the case. But I had to go through a legal case a few years ago and it ended up costing a fortune. My ex is a high earner and they will see ££ signs. Sadly I don’t have the money to fight if he got really good legal advice so I am worried about being overly assertive (lawyer terms = aggressive). I also have children at Uni and one who will want to go and should have the same chance. The ex says that may not be possible as the circumstances are different. The main difference is that he doesn’t want to pay for them to go and wants to have minimal outgoings to us and minimal involvement. His idea of a clean break has been to offer me a one off lump sum to never ask for anything more. I mentioned this on my one visit to lawyer and she was outraged. Has told me under no circumstances to a. Wot it. But part of me likes the idea of cash now to give us security and some savings. Although this wouldn’t be enough for Uni and wouldn’t give me any pension.
Obviously the one person who I would have gone to on the past 25 years to discuss this is the ex. Makes me feel rather hollow.

I don’t feel strong enough to fight him for money but I know I must of will regret it. It’s so hard to even know who to take on. They are all only really interested in their firm and not their client. So it’s hard to know if they have my best interest at heart or their earning and salary ... just so hard 😪

Hi Hamilton 12, I'm not surprised to hear the money side is so stressful and upsetting. I have not even got to that point yet. At the moment I earn enough to keep our family house going for the sake of my DDs and son should he wish to live here. H has just taken early retirement from NHS and pension was paid out last Thursday and he left on Friday. That feels like a kick in the guts. The solicitor advised that our marital assets could be split 50:50. Pensions etc form part of that marital assets and as such I'm entitled to to half his and he half mine. I don't for one instance think it's as cut and dried as that. I'm sure many that have gone before on these pages know that only too well. On paper I now earn exceedingly more than him, but but that could change. I had planned to do some significant work to our house which meant me borrowing more against the value of the property but something was niggling at me when it came to signing the paperwork, so I didn't. H unusually didn't press the matter or ask why we hadn't signed. I can see now it was for the best. I would have been left with that financial burden and no indication as to whether he would contribute. He hasn't even outlined how he is going to support his children with visits etc, currently all he's worried about is getting his expensive push bikes back before I ebay them or give the charity. (not that I'm doing either, but he can sit with that discomfort).

Please don't let money be a barrier to your younger child wanting to go to University, I know the cost is high and the fear of being 'saddled' with the debt is scary, but there are so many more positive reasons to have that experience and ways to pay it back over a long period of time. There was a great article recently by Martin Lewis about it. I leaned a lot from that.

My eldest is at uni and I’ve now changed her student finance so that as a single parent she gets full fees an full maintenance then although she’ll have more debt when she finishes she’ll also have a degree! She’s going to get a part time job to help with her finances too. My middle daughter will go to uni in September and also has full finance. I will not allow my hs selfish decisions stop my kids from experiencing life and fulfilling their dreams. Over time I will help my kids pay off their debts. The money side of things is so hard to deal with as we’d always sorted finances as a couple. I hate making all the decisions alone! However both his lawyer and mine have said I will need more than 50% of the money from the sale of our house and both pensions will be added together and then half each. As his is huge and mine is tiny I don’t think he’s impressed!! I’m now solely responsible for 3 teenagers, 2 dogs and a cat and earn 4 times less than my h so I’m going to fight for every penny!!

Jem45 I’m in a similar position. Oldest dd had just started second year at uni when h left. Applied for full finance package and also has worked since 16. Just moved back home for her placement year. Other 2 take A levels next year and only one wants to go to uni. H has said he will pay towards them until they leave home but if he changes his mind after they’re 18 there’s nothing I can do about it
There are some awful stories on this thread and I hope that we can all find a new normal and be happy with it