Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I don’t think it’s normal behaviour to change so dramatically- he seems truly convinced that he’s done nothing wrong and his lies are unbelievable- although maybe he is so unstable that he believes they’re true!
That is how my H is too

VivaVegas I’m sending you a huge hug as I know exactly how you’re feeling xx

I suggested counselling to my DH for his 'mashed head'. Apparently there's no fixing him (his words) plus it's too expensive (his words). Yet apparently regular binge drinking on the weekends and not coming home til late on the Sunday afternoon has no impact on his finances whatsoever. I have lost all patience and want this over with quickly. This is not the man I married and I know I will be happier on my own.

I know I’ll be a stronger woman when this is all over but I wish I had a crystal ball to prove I’ll be happier. I’d been happy for 20 years in our marriage and didn’t contemplate that we wouldn’t grow old together. I’m still in disbelief and whilst trying to sort all the financial problems I’m also trying to cope with accepting that my once loving h has chosen to destroy our future as a couple and as a family unit. I’m looking forward for my kids and because looking backwards is too painful 😣

My h has been for counselling and it’s helped him to realise his issues. Maybe if he’d gone sooner we wouldn’t have split up but that’s done now.
I’m feeling more positive about the future - though that could come crashing down on me once the finances are sorted. He says he wants to make sure I don’t suffer financially.......watch this space.
I’ve finally got to the point where if he said now “I’ve made a huge mistake, can I come back” I’d say “no”. It’s taken a while (and medication) to get here
Keep going ladies - we are all worth so much more than this shitty hand we’ve been dealt

My H had some counselling when this started and he then acknowledged he has issues unrelated to us but that affect us and has bad depression in and off throughout his life. His default position has always been quite moody but I thought that was just him. He took antidepressants a short while ago and was like a different person, so much fun to be with but then took himself off them suddenly and that's when all this started.
I honestly think he damaged his brain by doing that (there were articles in the press last week about this) as his personality is now so different. So horrible, so cold, so uncaring, so selfish. And just the complete opposite of the way he used to be.
I too wonder if I will ever be happy again as I too was happy in my marriage, I felt loved, safe and secure and I feel none of that now. I fear for a lonely sad future ahead. I know I have to not want it to be that but it's so hard when everything you've cared about for 20 years is taken away and you don't get to see your DC every day so have to be a part time mum as well as no longer a wife. Makes me so sad and so angry.

My children are growing up too fast and from September my eldest 2 will be at uni. I want them all to take every opportunity in life, to travel and not turn things down because they’re worried about me. I am scared of how I’ll feel in just 5 years when my youngest flies the nest. I hate being alone! I’m dreading it!

Jem45 me too, mine are 16 and 18. I don't want them to worry about me, but as others are saying, this is not what we planned is it. I didn't think I would be alone at nearly 60. I was in a meeting at work today and I looked round the table and realised everyone there is in a really solid happy marriage, all reaping the benefits of paid off mortgages, buying second homes or having lovely holidays and facing the future with a partner, looking forward to grandchildren etc., whereas I am facing financial ruin and future Christmases and birthdays etc with an estranged H trying to grab time with the DCs and split loyalties. Even the dog will pine for him!

My h and I married young (24) and we had our first child before our first wedding anniversary. We always said we wanted to be young parents and then when the kids were grown we’d enjoy our time together. Now I feel I gave all my 20s,30s and half my 40s to bringing up our family and supporting his career and when I should be reaping the rewards for all my hard work I’m thrown away! ( probably for a younger model!) I agree DishingOutDone I should be mortgage free and going on holidays. Instead I’m downsizing to a rental house ( the same size as our first home 20 years ago) and stressing endlessly about bills and making ends meet!! I really hate him for making life so hard.

It all feels so unfair doesn't it ladies? They reap the rewards of the love and support we gave selflessly then we're left high and dry. DH let slip a woman's name this morning which sort of confirmed suspicions I'd had originally but had talked myself out of believing. I can't even give that headspace and am staying focussed on the best deal for me and DD. If that means feigning ignorance for the next few weeks then so be it. I'm working my ass off to get him into his own place. I'm lucky I guess as I don't have children with him. I do feel for those of you that will have to deal with your EXs week in week out.

Haven’t slept properly for a couple of weeks now. I’m so tired but my dreams are so vivid and upsetting that I wake up then can’t get back to sleep. Feel like I did when I had a newborn !! Just want a good nights sleep - any suggestions? Xx

Jem my sleeping has been awful at times and I have got sleeping tablets from my gp. I only ever take half the dosage and once it twice a week. A months prescription lasts ages.
Once I'm back into better sleep I just take herbal nytol which work for me.
My sleep hygiene is bad though (on my phone before bed etc) so I don't help myself!

I don't sleep much either but that's because H is right next to me snoring and farting. I'm hoping to sleep better when he goes but that's not looking like any time soon. It makes me sad but it's what I need now. We need to tell DC yet so that'll be worse still. Think I might try the herbal first. I'm also going to yoga now to learn to relax

Oh Joselyn66 that’s awful! When we were supposedly trying to work in our marriage my h was able to sleep peacefully- snoring away- whilst I tossed and turned with nightmares and insomnia. I even began sleepwalking and he found me in the street twice shaking imaginary spiders off our bed throw!! Even though I managed to open the street door and wander into the road he still left me alone in the house with our son whilst he had to sleep away for work! He didn’t even tell me I’d been sleep walking. It terrifies me to think my son could have woken up to the street door open and me gone! Im furious he let us be in such danger! Just shows me how he’d transformed into a stranger who only cared about himself!! My loving, protective h disappeared completely. I don’t think I m sleep walking now but the vivid nightmares and insomnia are getting me down. I’m going to try herbal tablets too xxx

Definitely worth trying herbal nytol or Boots equivalent, takes a bit of time for them to work but after that I find they really help. There are some stronger non herbal over the counter Nytol as well but I feel like I'm falling down a well if I take them!
Let's hope we can start sleeping soundly in our beds - whilst they live a miserable existence

Crikey Jem that's terrible. What a shit. Yes he sleeps like a baby too. No remorse, no worries he even talks excitedly about his new future to me like I'm his best friend. I'm trying so hard as kids don't know anything yet and they are all that matters. Although I think I'll go insane if this lasts much longer. Deffo off to get something for sleep today x

(placemarking)

Morning everyone, I'm sat here after yet another Saturday night when DH hasn't come home. He left in his best clothes last night instead of his old man uniform of jeans and black band t-shirt. It's very hurtful. I will catch up mentally but today I think my wedding ring will come off. There is no salvaging this. My bright cloud on the horizon is that it looks like I may be able to get a mortgage and not have to leave my beloved home. I'm off to visit family today as I don't want to be in when he gets home. I don't trust myself to stay civil or dig for details that will only serve to hurt me.

mybrilliantmind I think taking off your ring is the right thing to do as it shows you are taking back control. You are very brave and do not deserve to be treated in such an insensitive way. Let your family look after you today and help you set yourself your next steps. Keep us updated on your progress- we’re all willing you on and wishing you the strength to get through this xx I’m so glad it looks like you can keep your house- such a relief. Xxxx

I just feel for you, it's horrible.
I have the DC this weekend and much as I much prefer that to the weekends I don't have them I can't help but constantly think what is he doing, who is he with etc etc and much as I try not to how do you stop doing that, how do you stop caring??
I'm pushing for progress to sort things out, finances etc and he just does nothing other than being obstructive and difficult.
One thing I have found now I'm gradually telling people is his supportive people are being of me, checking up on me, inviting me round for coffee, wine etc. That is making so much difference as I don't feel as alone as I did (my family are at the other end of the country as I moved here for H!).
I bumped into one of his friends yesterday and they said they have told him what an idiot he is being as gave all of his other friends and now he is just shutting them out (presumably as it's not what he wants to hear). He also said last time they met he was really off, fidgety and left early, he said he feels his bit in a good place). His parents say the same and that they are worried.
So I also gave that in the back of my mind.
Ongoing nightmare is how I describe it.

Same as you VivaVegas- I’d always lived walking distance from my big sister and moved miles away to support my h’s career! Now he’s left me I’m living in an area I’ve never liked- it’s mainly older people with huge amounts of money!! My h has shunned his friends who tried to reach out. He kept cancelling on plans they made and wouldn’t talk about what was going on. They said his response to their texts asking how he was were really odd - he replied with jolly comments about the football scores! He obviously didn’t want their advice as they’re all in disbelief and think he’s an idiot.
My middle daughter is in the midst of A levels and was really tearful yesterday so on the spur of the moment we gave up on revision/ homework and chores and went to the new area we’re going to live. My middle daughter had never been there so I think it had been worrying her. We ended up having a lovely day mooching around the town and ended up having a picnic in the sunshine. I sat there with my 3 amazing kids and felt grateful and a bit excited for our future. I’ve managed to get student finance sorted so both my daughters can be at uni and my son, although nervous, is looking forward to different opportunities at his new school. My h has already missed out on so much and whatever woman he’s chosen over myself and our children will never be worth the same as us. I hope this hits him like a tonne of bricks one day!! He certainly won’t be getting anything for Father’s Day!!

Yep I seriously hope he regrets it.
Not that it makes things any better, I just want to feel a bit happier about things but it just never comes.

It will come and we will be happy again!! Have taken my herbal sleeping tablets and am going to snuggle down and dream I’m in an old movie like Cocktail or You’ve Got Mail!!!

How did you sleep Jem?
I was awake at 3am having not gone to bed until midnight which isn't great.
Mainly started by name thinking just before I went to bed about how much I don't want this and how on earth can things change so quickly and so badly.