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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

830 replies

midnightmoon8 · 03/10/2018 09:15

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 01/06/2019 19:03

Fing hate him f hate him.

VivaVegas · 01/06/2019 19:19

What's gone on Palaver?

Jem45 · 01/06/2019 19:24

Welcome Palaver. We’re here if you want support x

VivaVegas · 01/06/2019 20:38

And we all hate them from time to time, or most of the time.
It's a nice supportive thread to offload on if you need to.

Palaver1 · 01/06/2019 21:31

VivaVegas
Im so angry with the nastiness,Sabotage and evilness.
Im usually level headed but I really do hate him for misusing and abusing me.
Example is was with my severely nonverbal asd child for the whole week as in the whole mid term due to my work .He knew that he was to be with her message sent over 2 weeks ago just have her on asaturday so I can have a break he refuses to do personal care so I bathe her feed her and she can decide to wake up when she wishes.at night I’m to bathe and get her ready for bed that’s at around about 7.30 we start so I am in a way controlled at 9.30 Told him o get up as he knew he was as taking care of her.He had a massive fit it was horrible so I decided to take her with me shopping luckily went to Morrison’s which is calm .and stayed in with her couldn’t do all those little jobs ie go to the bank get stuff ready for Monday etc
I also wanted a break I work full time work my holiday never Know when it’s his and still I can’t have a few hours out
Refusal to send information back to the lawyer lying that he had all that sort of shit.
Some days I’m indifferent today it was pure hatred.
It’s fine when I’m with her but it’s not fair I sometimes just want to sit in a coffee shop and watch the world pass by or go to visit a friend that sort of thing
Sorry if I’m moany I was so so cross but I’m okay now thank you

Palaver1 · 01/06/2019 21:35

He did take her out to the park but the damage had been done as I stayed in taking sole charge of her taking her out for an hour does nothing to support my well being .
I want this divorce so bad

Jem45 · 01/06/2019 22:14

Your child is so lucky to have such an amazing mum. Everyone says to me “Make sure you make time for yourself and look after yourself as you deserve a break too!” But in reality that’s only possible with support!! Sometimes like you I just want to do nothing ( and not feel guilty about it!) You should feel angry and we’re all glad to be here for you to vent it!! My h is playing the same game not sending information to the lawyer and delaying everything which is crazy as he’s the one who wanted a divorce. I’m waiting for him to show his anger as whilst he’s ignored all my lawyer’s attempts to move things on I’ve sorted out a new school for our son and a new home to rent. He’ll find out soon and I think he’ll be angry I’m in control and probably shocked as he thinks the world should run around him!! Don’t think these dads will get much for Fathers’ Day!!!

Palaver1 · 02/06/2019 05:58

Jem45 Thank you just felt like kicking a log yesterday .this idea of delaying is really horrible and almost nothing I can do each time he does this apart from making the timings go off it cost me money.He has not engaged a lawyer this has been going on since last year.
The marriage has been dead and buried years ago had sexual contact with him over 9 years ago.Slept in different rooms for over 10.He removed his rings around this time so did I ,but left the beautiful wedding portrait up till 2 years ago till I had the whole house repainted then I took it down living a lie sick of it,sick of seeing his mug smiling happily at me.
If I didn’t instigate the divorce we would be in this till the end I just can’t bear his name in death.neither would he take care of me if I was ill in my old age to be fair I would resent it as well
He wants a donkey but my baying cannot be with him what sound does a donkey make lol it’s not a bay shit I’m gone lol
Let’s face it who wants to be lonely in their 70s better now than never

Palaver1 · 02/06/2019 06:04

Sound a donkey makes is braying lol

EdgeOfHeaven8 · 02/06/2019 08:20

Palaver - you are doing an amazing job and your daughter is lucky to have you as her Mum. Your ex should be ashamed of himself.
Wouldn’t you think these men would want to draw a line under things so that they can move on as well, can’t understand the point of deliberately delaying everything. Seems to just be pure spite x

VivaVegas · 02/06/2019 09:17

It's weird isn't it that a lot of the men seem to want this and then do nothing or delay things.
My H wanted this, not me, I did everything to try and save thing yet he is now doing nothing, won't even get a solicitor. While I am dealing with solicitor, mortgage lender, estate agent, pension valuations etc etc.
I questioned why and did he not really want it, he didn't reply!

Jem45 · 02/06/2019 10:09

It’s crazy. My h eventually got a solicitor but they fail to respond to any of the deadlines we set. His solicitor wrote now 4 weeks ago asking me not to take him to court and said another letter was to follow... I’m still waiting to hear from them. I don’t want to spend the money going to court but will have no choice as I have to have all this sorted so I can move on with my life. I think it’s a control thing. These men want to call the shots and often want to emotionally destroy us but still have us cooking/ cleaning/ being friends!! When this is all over I’ll never complain about being in a queue or waiting for anything ever again!! I’ve definitely developed resilience!!!

stucknoue · 02/06/2019 15:08

My h says he wants to divorce but hasn't got round to getting himself a bank account or credit card yet (I added him to mine when we married over 20 years ago). I wonder if living in the spare room is too comfortable...

Palaver1 · 02/06/2019 15:15

Stucknoue
Is he serious though

DishingOutDone · 02/06/2019 15:19

When you read threads like this you can see how many Hs must be hanging around in spare rooms. Sadly I still share a bed with mine I cannot wait to shift him into another room, its a power he likes to have over me. But I suspect even when moved onto the sofa bed he'll be happy to hang around for as long as he can.

Jem45 · 02/06/2019 16:08

We wanted husbands not house mates!! I literally shoved my h out the door and told him to go away and think about what he was about to throw away. I made it clear that at that time I still wanted him back and was willing to fight to save our marriage but couldn’t do it alone!! He quickly managed to find a friend’s spare room to stay in - You girls are made of strong stuff- I couldn’t stomach being in the same house as him. Being together and unloved was soul destroying and beyond lonely. I’d never felt so worthless in my life and seeing him lounging on the sofa or chuckling to a tv programme or carelessly adding his dirty washing to the basket for me to clean ... literally broke me. I felt like I was living a weird surreal life where from the outside everything seemed normal but I was dying inside. Stucknoue and DishingOutDone don’t let your hs get too comfortable or hang around as long as they can- they don’t deserve it and nor do you! My life’s too short to waste more time with my h - if he doesn’t want me then his loss. I’m moving on without him and going to try to get to the point where he can’t hurt me and just is insignificant in my life. When he wakes up and regrets his choices I’ll be long gone!

DishingOutDone · 02/06/2019 17:31

I keep saying its like having a very nasty lodger!

Palaver1 · 02/06/2019 23:42

I just think of the finances each month his here he has to pay towards the mortgage I’m not leaving as it is near to everything school ,work doctors etc for my daughters needs .
I stopped washing his clothes couple years back as well as cooking ,as I’ve said the marriage had been dead
Why his hating now I don’t know .His livid why I don’t know .
It’s worse than a lodger doing all the things he knows I cannot stand farting in the kitchen how is that right these sort of childish things keep me irritated and on high alert.

VivaVegas · 03/06/2019 07:34

My H did leave, albeit it was meant to be a trial separation and he never came back.
However as soon as he left he stopped paying anything towards the mortgage so I've been lumbered with that.
We've now just started trying to agree finances and he's not happy that I want to deduct his half of the mortgage that he should have been paying but hadn't off of his equity if I buy him out. Seems they do just want everything their way with no conscience.

Jem45 · 03/06/2019 08:24

I agree they have no conscience whatsoever!! After all they’ve done the least they should do is be financially generous. My h earns 4 times my salary because I supported his career and my career took a back seat! Now he’s barely giving me enough money to put food on the table whilst he must be building up a lovely big sum!! My hs manners and behaviour went downhill at the end too. He did things that he knew would annoy me. I think he was trying to get me to snap. He was a coward and wanted “out” but didn’t have the guts to leave. This way it was my fault and choice as I forced him to go! Even though I wrote him a heartfelt letter basically begging him not to destroy our marriage and to come back to me he still twisted my words and put them on the divorce papers!! Now all I want from him is a settlement that my kids and I deserve. I don’t think I ll get any back pay for the months I’ve struggled financially and have got in debt!! I had terrible vivid dreams last night where he came into my new workplace and was assessing me!! I was shouting in anger all the things I’ve never said to him !! Does anyone else have vivid dreams with their hs in??

DishingOutDone · 03/06/2019 10:42

Blimey Jem45 so you've got him in your life and your nightmares! At least he is not in the house. I'm just scrolling back and seeing that he's dragging his heels over the solicitor etc., no wonder if it means he's not paying proper maintenance Sad

With our joint incomes we can just afford to stay in this house and support our teenage DCs. If he had to go and rent then both households would only just be managing, it would be very precarious. I want H to either move into our dining room which is massive, with a sofa bed at one end, or leave and rent, whilst we sort out the sale of the house. The latter is the best option because if he stays here he will be on my back all the time. I mean he's a nightmare at the moment and he thinks he can stay here and do as he likes; how would he be if he knew he had nothing to lose?!

That last sentence makes me nervous Hmm

VivaVegas · 03/06/2019 12:49

The question I ask over and over again is how can my kind, loving, trustworthy, considerate husband have a complete personality change and now be so cold, untrustworthy and just generally not very nice.
How does that happen? Is that normal? He's had mental health issues in the last and when this started I genuinely thought he was unwell which is why I stuck it out so king even though his behaviour was awful. His parents do think he is unstable and doesn't know what he wants.
But he says he's fine and won't seek any help.
But then from what you are all saying, do they just turn anyway?

DishingOutDone · 03/06/2019 13:12

People ask me all the time (sadly as do my DCs) is it a mental health issue with him and I always say no, because men are so often excused by the tag "MH issues". But then you think surely no one in their right mind thinks this is OK ....?

Whatever it is, it can't be your problem - does that make sense?

DishingOutDone · 03/06/2019 13:13

What I mean is Ok its going to give you the problem of re-organising and re-starting your life, but its not your problem to fix him.

Jem45 · 03/06/2019 17:26

I asked my h to go to therapy alone as I felt he must be having a mental breakdown because he changed so much and so quickly!! He thanked me for the suggestion but said he didn’t need to go! VivaVegas I don’t think it’s normal behaviour to change so dramatically- he seems truly convinced that he’s done nothing wrong and his lies are unbelievable- although maybe he is so unstable that he believes they’re true!!! I can’t comprehend how being alone - with your 3 kids and wife all refusing any contact -can be better than living with a wife who loved you and cared for you plus seeing your children every day ( and them loving you!!!) I agree DishingOutDone it’s not my job to fix him- I tried but he began to damage my MH! Now all I can focus on is getting my kids through this and maybe one day getting myself over what he’s done to me. Not sure I’ll ever trust anyone in the future!! Xx