Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

You are so brave to meet face to face and tell him how you feel. It’s infuriating that our hs won’t listen and can’t see past their own selfish opinions. He doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with DC as he obviously doesn’t put them first. My children refuse to see their dad and I’ve made it clear that I won’t stop them and it’s their decision- but I’m glad he’s not got the access to telling them more lies and hurting them even more! I’ve tried to hide my tears from them but they have seen me weep. On the day my h told me he then told our son and I was utterly hysterical. I’ll never forgive him for not allowing us time to sort things in private- he obviously had no intention of trying to save our marriage. Like you my opinion/ feelings/ emotions didn’t matter at all! I look forward to not hating him ... I want to no longer be hurt by him. Don’t let your h ruin today for you xxxx

They just don’t care do they? Spineless cowards. I’m going to try and focus all of my anger on getting the best deal for me and the kids with regards to finances and then hopefully we will be free of these men this time next year and can move on xx

I truly wish that one day we’ll all look back on this utterly dreadful part of our lives and be happier than we were before!!!

I really hope so, just cant imagine it the way I feel now.

Any tips on how to stop wasting my energy wondering what he is doing, if he is with a woman etc etc just eats me up all the time and I want to stop it as I know it's not doing me any good but I just can't.

.

I’m the same! I’m exhausted by thinking about him! I truly hate the man he has become but so miss my h and being loved. Even silly little things like making a coffee for each other or watching a movie together. How can he be happier alone?He was always very affectionate so I can’t imagine he’s been alone all these months ( I have!!!) I wonder what he does all weekend when he has not a single responsibility!! Meanwhile I’m looking after kids, dogs, cat, shopping, cooking, cleaning, lifts in the car ... I know at some point I want to meet someone but have no idea how!! Being a working single mum takes up all my time but why should my h be feeling love/ affection... whilst I feel rejected and alone. I think when I’ve moved on in my love life then I’ll stop thinking of what he’s doing! He deserves to feel so lonely and I want him to regret what he’s done. My friend send me a text that said “ Karma is a bitch and she’s coming to get him!!” I do hope so!!

Not sure if this will work but it did make me laugh!!

I’m certainly struggling with the moving on bit, I’m good for a few days and then I go back to obsessing and thinking.
Some of my friends have suggested dating both to forget about him and they reckon he really won’t like it but I’m not sure that’s the answer and things are complicated enough as it is!
But I do wonder if that would stop me thinking about him and what he is doing when he is alone. But OLD is alien to me and I worry about my already dented self confidence. But how else do you meet someone at our age?
We've lived apart for 9 months although he kept me dangling until 5 months ago.

And yes to the karma thing.
I am not a horrible person but my biggest hope is that I sort myself out, find my happiness and meet someone that deserves me.
And at that point he realises he's made a mistake!

Pleased it’s not just me. I go through days of feeling really strong and determined and then the next day I feel pure anger and hatred towards him. Almost back to nearly 2
years ago when I felt broken. Feel like I’m coming to terms with everything but still have my moments. Last summer I focused on taking the kids on holiday as they’d never been on an aeroplane before so I ordered their passports and took the 3 of them away on my own and it was kind of an adventure for them and also to prove a point that I didn’t need him! Me too I’m waiting for karma to pay a visit!

I took my kids away on a cheap package holiday to Paphos last October. I needed to prove to them, to him and to myself that I could do it too. I was petrified it would be a disaster. I felt de-skilled as he’d always book holidays and sorted out insurance/ money etc. I was so nervous about driving on the motorway to the airport too. After everything running smoothly I got through security and looked at my phone to see I’d missed texts from him whilst driving, getting the airport bus and checking in. I entered the departure lounge and received a text that said “Thank goodness I’ve escaped you!” I literally collapsed and wept on the ground. It was so wicked especially as he knew I was depressed and responsible for our 3 children - and about to leave the country. My eldest looked at my phone and was beyond furious at his spite. My wonderful children calmed me down and we went on to have such a wonderful holiday that none of us wanted to return home. When I’m really low I dream of that holiday to pick myself up. We can do this!! We are strong, capable and worth more than our hs!!! I’m not a nasty person but my h deserves some misery as he’s inflicted so much pain on me and our children for nearly a year!! I wonder if he ever thinks about what he’s thrown away. My moods so erratic I do hate to think he’s relaxed and happy without me!! It still feel like it’s all unreal!

I’ve just downloaded a free app called FreePrint on my phone and am going to print off the backlog of photos I’ve got. I m going to make an album of the last year with all the happy memories we’ve made in our new little family. I want to prove to myself that it’s not all been miserable and for my son especially who has struggled with anxiety. I think seeing all the new memories we’ve made without him will cement that we will be happy and don’t need him!!

I am so glad we have this thread, as I do worry that I am all over the place and he keeps telling me that the way I am isn't normal and that I am losing the plot.
I want to take the DC away in the summer but I'm petrified of doing it in my own, I keep looking but can't bring myself to book it.
Maybe I should just do it as that's the future,
Having a bad day today with it all.

Definitely take DC away!! You can do it and you’ll have a fabulous time and make new memories. I was so worried I’d be the only single parent surrounded by happy families but we didn’t stand out at all. There were all sorts of families there and we just focused on being with each other - it really helped us become our new little unit. I used Jet2 and everything was so well organised and easy. Let us know when you’ve booked it! Just go for it. It doesn’t matter whether you stay in the UK or go abroad- you can take back the control and be powerful. Xx Thank you for being in this thread - it’s special to have you all to turn to xx

Yes definitely try and book something Viva. Like the others have said you will feel in control and that you can do anything. We went with jet2 as well Jem. I was also worried about being the only adult on their own but actually it was fine as the kids played quite happily in the pool and we walked along to the beach a few times. Center Parcs is very child friendly too if you fancy somewhere in the uk xx

Did you go to a resort type place?
I'm wondering if that might be easier the first time.
We normally go to small self catered places but I'm wondering if I'll feel better if we can all just chill for a week.
I've travelled on my own loads abroad and I'm fine with that as it's just me. I've also travelled loads in this country with the DC but never abroad and I guess I just feel a bit vulnerable without the previous support of H.
I also don't want to be surrounded by happy bloody families which is what I imagine it might be like!

I actually had a good nights sleep last night possibly as I offloaded on here and to a friend.
Trouble is H didn't have the DC last night and had this morning off so straight away the first thing I think off when I wake up is that he is with the woman I suspect he is with.
And that's what I need to stop but can't.

Glad you got some sleep VivaVegas. Now rather than allowing him to ruin your day by thinking about what he’s up to, start researching your holiday!!! We went to a small resort (Theo Sunset Bay in Paphos) and I really didn’t feel out of place as a single mum. The hotel staff were all so helpful and friendly plus Jet2 was really well organised with reps there to help. On the day we left we checked our suitcases in with the rep at the hotel and they took them to the airport and we next saw our bags at Stansted!This meant we just had a couple of rucksacks so enjoyed all of our last day by the pool. We usually did self catered cottages but by having meals included you’ll get a proper break and not have to worry about paying for food when you’re there. So as long as you can afford it get researching and let us all know what adventure you choose to do with your DC!

We flew Ncl to Mahon (Menorca) and I picked a small all inclusive hotel in a pretty quietist resort as it was the kids first time away. Actually it was funny to listen in to other couples having their disagreements round the pool knowing I was free of all that drama so I wouldn’t worry about all of the happy families! The bit I was most nervous about was the airport but the kids were absolutely fine as I packed loads of activities and let them chose a magazine etc in the departure lounge and they took their tablets to play on. So happy I found this thread too as nice that you all understand xx

Have a migraine after an hour long meeting with my lawyer. It’s so frustrating as my h is delaying everything!! When I threatened to take him to court with a maintenance pending suit order his lawyer sent a brief letter asking us not to and said another letter was to follow. That was 3 weeks ago ! We’ve heard nothing whatsoever!! I’m so fed up waiting for him to either agree to my offer or to present his own offer. I hate that he’s controlling things- I feel like a puppet on a string. All I want is a fair settlement so I can move on. After 20 years I feel I deserve that. I want to be able to afford to look after our children and pets and enjoy life a little with the odd cinema trip or meal out! I feel like I’m living in limbo. I can’t wait to be in control of my own life.

What an absolute wanker. You’d think he would want to move on too. Not sure what delaying things will achieve apart from showing his true colours. Hopefully his lawyer will talk some sense into him and you can move on.

If it's any consolation my H is just doing nothing either yet it's him that wanted all this.

I just don't get it!

It feels as if he wanted to be rid of me as a wife but thought we’d still play happy families. I know he was completely shocked when I made him leave. It hasn’t gone the way he wanted as I think he planned to be best friends - co parenting and me still working for him! All whilst he did goodness knows what with someone else!! The reality is I refuse to speak to him and be belittled and bullied ever again- he has to go through my lawyer. I’ve not signed the divorce papers I received in January as he’s not supporting us financially. Plus he has had no contact with any of our children for 7 months!! I’d love to know what he’s thinking! I wish I could stop thinking about what’s happening just before I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up!!!

I've got a holiday abroad booked for me and DD. Totally out of my comfort zone as I've only flown twice in last 10 years and each time was just led blindly round by the people I was going with. I'm hoping I wont spend too much time worrying.
My week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Crying one minute, determined not to lose the house then getting excited at the thought of putting down new roots. All this time DH is full of pity and sympathy for me as he 'never wanted to hurt me'. He's been cooking my dinner, hugging me then telling me all about how he's releasing his pension and viewing flats. Luckily he's away this weekend so I'm planning a weekend off from worrying. Going to share a bottle of wine with a girlfriend tonight and hopefully go to watch Rocketman on my own one evening. Well, I won't be completely on my own as I'll have a family bag of Minstrels with me

You will have an amazing holiday abroad!!! You have to show DD what a strong, capable and courageous woman you are. She’s going to follow in your footsteps! As for DH - no wonder your are all over the place, he’s playing with your emotions. My h did the same after he broke his heartbreaking news... I’d wake up and he’d present me with freshly brewed coffee and destoned cherries ( my favourite fruit- but I’ve never had them destoned before!!) He began insisting I had leisurely bubble baths with a G&T and even took me to the theatre!! I think it was all to ease his conscience!! He certainly wasn’t actually doing it to make our marriage work! Maybe he was trying to prove that we could be best friends through it all- but I deserve more than he could give me- and so do you! These men destroy our marriages- then want us to continue looking after them with permission to go off with other women!!! No amount of cooked dinners or theatre trips make this acceptable after wedding vows have been said!! Enjoy your wine tonight and I wish I was coming to watch Rocketman and eat Minstrels with you! ( great movie and snack choice!!) Don’t worry about being emotional- I went to my HRT check up this morning and ended weeping to the nurse who gave me a huge motherly hug!!! I feel a bit better tonight now I’ve had a big cry!!!! Xxxx