Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Well he’ll never get to live the dream!! Good for you that you’re the higher earner. I’ve always supported my h’s career and now he earns 4 times what I earn!! Even though I’m literally going back to the bottom of the housing ladder I don’t care!! My kids, my dogs and my grumpy old cat will be with me!! My new rental house is tiny and when my eldest two are home from uni I’ll be sleeping in a teeny box room whilst they share my room. I’ll work as hard as I can to get myself out this financial rut whilst supporting my kids. I’m so angry that during the time of my life when I should be enjoying life I’m back working full time and in debt!! I feel like not only have I been dumped but he’s punishing me as well!

Thanks Jem and mybrilliantmind. Luckily I've always taken care of the house, garden, finances and worked too. DH worked away a lot in past so everything just became my responsibility and then stayed that way. I thought I was being super wife taking care of everyone and everything but that just allowed him to get lazy, then disinterested and then resentful. I thought having a stressful job away he deserved an easy time at home but sadly it backfired on me. But hey least I know I'll survive physically. He's not worked away for a year and a half now otherwise it would have been easier to share the home. I find myself getting snappy still doing his laundry and cooking while he watches tv. He is being nice enough but not sure if it makes it easier or harder.

Joselyn i always did everything too as well as working full time as my H was very lazy. I should have asked him to do more but then he should have also offered. Funny how now he is living on his own he can do things!
Trying to be more positive about moving on, comes in waves though.
Worst period of my life that's for sure and I've been through tough times before!

I gave my husband an easy time at home too. I worked, did all the shopping, washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning ... and sorted out our kids and dogs and cat!! Don’t let your h treat you like a maid- maybe he should do his own laundry and cooking!!! I hate that they think they can pick and choose the parts of a marriage that suits them!!
My h sent my son a horrible text today blaming me for the breakdown of their relationship! He even said he couldn’t understand why my son is fussing so much as mums and dads separate all the time!! He doesn’t even acknowledge that our children’s anger/ sadness/ MH is due to his sudden decision to dump me and then destroy the family we all thought we had! Myself and my children just had no idea it was going to happen so the utter disbelief has affected them badly. He’s a liar, a cheat and a narcissist!! It makes me so angry that he justifies his actions by saying “it happens all the time!” As teachers we’ve both seen time and time again how the children suffer!! I so angry that he thinks it’s all acceptable. What’s the point of marrying if one person just decides to walk away for no reason other than they can’t be bothered !

Jen yes I have had both my H and my MIL say it happens to millions of people and they get over it! My DC are struggling too as like you his decision cane out of the blue, not once in 20 years did he say he was unhappy about anything or wanted us to change things, yet apparently I should have noticed he was unhappy and the reason he didn't say anything is because I am too hard to talk too, so as usual it's all my fault!
I have been asking him for weeks for us to sit down with the DC and give them some reassurance yet he refuses as they are fine when they are with him (funny how they talk to me and not him if I'm so hard to talk to!) and what more needs to be said.
And to think he used to be such a nice, kind, caring (albeit lazy) man.
I still struggle with how someone can turn into a different person so quickly and not for the better.

Yes apparently I didn’t “talk “ about things- even though I wasn’t aware there were issues that needed discussion! Like you I’m the one to blame even though he kept secrets apparently for 2 years that he didn’t love me. Our situations seem so similar. I used to feel so proud of my husband, proud he was good, kind man and definitely proud of our 20 year marriage! I suppose as I’m as I’m moving soon and he’s off 90 miles away that it’s all so real. Whilst I’ve still been living at home with my kids it’s just been adjusting to him being gone. Now my life is about to really change. I’m still in disbelief that this is all happening and feel more anger than hurt. I’ve had enough of feeling rejected and sad. I just want to enjoy life again rather than pretending to enjoy it for the sake of my children.
Have you all gone back to your maiden names? Do you call yourself Miss or Ms? Typical that women have to label themselves while men are Mr whether they’re married or not !

Haha that’s so true about men being ‘Mr’ no matter what. I’ll be keeping my married name as I want to have the same surname as my children. Plus it might also piss the OW off and I’ll always be the first Mrs X !

Yeah I’m going to keep my married name too - so it’s the same as the kids but also because I don’t want the hassle of changing passports/driving license etc
It’s still a mans world though I think we women enable that by letting them get away with it

Oh I never thought of changing name. I'll keep same as my kids though will I HAVE to be a Ms

I'll be changing mine back to my former name which I always preferred anyway. Ironically despite being married to Mr Mind for 10 years I only changed to Mrs Mind after 8 years. Only got my passport last year too- bother!
My mortgage guy says I'm about 6k short of being able to buy out DH which is so frustrating. DH is resigned to having to rent as he won't have sufficient deposit and is too old to get an affordable mortgage. He's viewing some rentals today while I try to finish off my job applications and bung some stuff on ebay. If it aint nailed down it's getting sold!
What is everyone else up to?

Oopsy- massive name change fail there! As you were

Good luck with trying to raise the rest of the money RedFairy. What a pain about just being under for buying him out. It’s amazing what people buy on eBay though so that’s a good start.
Joselyn - no I don’t think you have to be a Ms. I’m staying as a Mrs as I feel too old to be a Miss!

I wish you every luck allnewredfairy in raising your money. I’ve sold loads on eBay too!
As my kids are older I think I’m going to change back to my maiden name. I don’t fancy being a Ms so I’ll have to be an old Miss! I remember feeling so proud taking on being Mrs ... now it’s so uncomfortable for me. I hate that he’s taken my home, my job, my stability, my expected future, my son’s schooling and my name!!
I also felt so naked without my wedding rings on. My finger had literally changed shape after wearing them for so long. My middle daughter bought me a Pandora ring with a tiny bird in it. She said that the bird represents her as she’s about to fly the nest and go to uni. However her love and respect for me will never end and home is wherever I am so she’ll always fly back to me!! I will wear it forever!!

That's really lovely Jem. Good luck Allnewredfairy I hope you can raise extra. H is coming off deeds so he can get a 4 bed help to buy with me remortgaging our home for now. I am borrowing more to fund his deposit and then when oldest moves out I will have to sell and give H rest of his share (can't be more than 5 years) we have just agreed this between us so DC not disrupted as much for now but who knows

So glad you’ve been able to make a plan that works for you. It’s just all so complicated and I can’t wait until I have no financial ties to my h. I keep having dreams I’m being chased and I think it’s just all the stress!!

Hi there after our holiday h and I are splitting up caused through the menopause which led to loss of sex drive for 10 years h is putting the blame on me I also caught him out yesterday he said he was going going out to friends but my youngest son saw his car out side the ow house I rang him up and said I know where you are he came home straight away blaming me for everything she has now blocked him from Facebook not excepting his calls and I'm getting the blame he's the one who decided because he wasn't getting sex and the love and attention he'd go elsewhere I never once stopped loving him but now it's all virtually gone I to have a mark where my wedding ring was after 34 years of marriage it's all gone and all he tells me now are lies I'm broken but like a Phoenix I will rise again and show him that I'm the better person not the barbra royale he sees me as

You are a better person than he is!!! Marriage is not all about sex!! If he had to go through menopause I bet he wouldn’t have coped as well as you have!! You’re not broken at all!! You sound like such a strong amazing person.
I’m not feeling strong right now and have just wept over the phone to the Tesco man!! I’ve just found out that my h has spent all my Tesco clubcard vouchers that I’ve been saving for half term and the summer!!! I’m literally in shock as he’s never used the vouchers before and it’s always been my thing to swap them for days out/ cinema/ meals. I feed all the kids and drive them everywhere so I’ve collected the points. He’s literally stealing from his own kids!! The nice Tesco man is going to try and trace my call from last December when I thought I’d separated the account!! I’ve literally cried over Tesco clubcard vouchers!!

Oh jem45 I'm so sorry how could he do that to you and the children that is so low try to stay strong i know it's hard just when you think you're slowly getting better something comes and takes it all away I'm a true believer in karma what goes around comes around and believe me it will

Jem45 why on earth would he do that? What a twat.

On my mobile his name appears as “Twat”!! The man I married would give up everything for me and our children- the Twat literally steals from us! No meals out now in half term using our Tesco vouchers but I’m going to wish for some warm weather and take them on a picnic instead. I’ve had my cry and now won’t let him spoil the holidays for us!!

TBH I would blow my top if DH used my clubcard vouchers. I've recently exchanged mine so me and DD are off for a PizzaExpress treat this half term. The tension in the house is palpable and DD cried yesterday as she doesn't want to be in the house with him over half term. I'm hoping to bring her into work with me a couple of days and get her to do some A level revision in the library too. Luckily tomorrow we're visiting relatives. Anyone else having issues with the holidays?

A friend sent me this in jest but it just sums him up for me!

Hi I really think my h is going through the mid life crisis it's him to a tee blaming me for everything even the menopause that I'm having serious problems with for the last 10 years and now he doesn't know if he wants me or the ow I've had enough now and I know what I have to do it's time for me now

Thank you for posting that VivaVegas- so true!!! Faybaline you sound like you know enough is enough. The menopause is bad enough without selfish hs adding to our problems. It’s no excuse though as marriages are “ in sickness and in health!!!”

Another meeting with H last night that deteriorated into a row. He just doesn't seem to get the damage he has done to me or to our DC, with comments like 'that's the way it is' and 'I'm not answering hypothetical questions' when I ask him to imagine how he would feel if he was me and I had treated him as he has me.
How can you hate someone so much but be in so much pain at losing them?
I had a little cry in front of the DC after he'd gone which I never do as they are struggling as it is.
I need to crack on, file for divorce, sort the finances and move on. I need him out of my life as much as possible. Sadly it will never be completely because of the DC.