Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Hi everyone and massive hugs for you all. My husband suddenly walked out three years ago and I'm now divorced.
I've flapped about in our marital home for three years but have now made the decision to downsize. The house was mine so he couldn't get a share of it.
I'm moving right out of the area as I don't want to be here any more. Just waiting for the outcome of a job interview.
I'm downsizing to pay off the mortgage.
Quite honestly I'm not looking for another relationship just some friends and some more cats.
I'm done with men. They are a constant disapointment. At least I have my adult son from my first marriage who is brilliant.
Best of luck to you all.

I’m house hunting today! Thank goodness for my younger brother who’s offered to loan me the rent until my salary increases in September. I know it’s going to help to be in a different house away from the memories. I still imagine him at the table or on the sofa! Everything is a reminder of what he’s taken from us! Plus it’s scary house hunting alone and I’m overwhelmed by all the decisions I’m having to make. I’ve got a deadline to be out of the house which feels like an axe hanging over me. I’m desperate to find a little house in a safe area which allows my son to independently get to school (and for me to commute to work, plus allows pets and has room for my older 2 when they are home from uni!!) Whilst my h needs to find a 1 bedroom flat. Guess who’s got it easy again! I’ve lost so much weight through stress my clothes don’t fit and I can’t afford new ones!!!

Good luck with the house hunting Jem hope you find what you need.
I think they do just abdicate responsibility I'm left in our family home paying all of our mortgage and looking after it (more work now with a large garden) and he's renting a small property with no garden nearby with any maintenance being dealt with by his landlord!
I need to decide to stay here and buy him out which I don't think I can afford it sell and move.
Agree huge decisions to be made on your ken when they've all been joint for such a long time.

My h seems to think because the kids are legally adults his job is done. He didn't even consider housing for them initially, he just stated he wanted to live in his own, I had to point out then he needs to fund a family home for me to live in as I can't afford one on my salary (he's since agreed for me to keep the house as long as I want it and he will pay half the costs as spousal maintenance plus extra for food etc during university holidays, no child maintenance because of their ages but he will give both an allowance until they finish education, he's a high earner so he can still afford to buy a separate house. Oh and he assumed I will care for his beloved dog but let him come when he wants to walk him. Well he's not bothered progressing the separation yet (just spare room) and the clock doesn't start ticking on 2 years until he gets round to getting a separate bank account!

Hi all, at 62, my OH has decided he wants a fresh start! We have been together for 43 years, married 40 with 3 fabulous grown up daughters. I have been on this journey now since July 2018 and have trodden a very painful road, but now feeling much more accepting of it. Using mediation as cheaper than solicitor. We don't have much of a financial pot. Just our house plus his pensions. I don't retire until 68, unless the government decide I have to work for even longer(!) I am now looking forward to being on my own and simply focusing on family and friends. Good luck to everyone going through the same thing xx

Freespirit is that one of those collaborative divorce things? And are you going for a pension attachment? Sorry to leap on you I want to pick your brains! How old are you now? I'm 56 I retire at 67 so are you younger?

Sorry to hear that Freespirit what is it with these men??
It's good that you have got to the point you have, I want to find that place.
This has been going on for a year for me but H strung me along for ages which has dragged it out/made it worse.
I have just got a solicitor, he isn't doing anything, bizarre given it's him that wants this not me!

Hi to everyone can I also join the club I’ve been married for 34 years have two sons of 30 and 21 years old my h told me in February that he wasn’t happy and had enough he said we are more like brother and sister we haven’t been intimate for about 10 years when I started to be peri menopausal I know I have changed stuff comes out of my mouth and I can’t stop it he never said go and get help for the menopause it was go and sort out your sex drive I tried many times with my doctor but I’ve got a doctor who is very anti hrt I did try hrt but couldn’t get on with the break through bleeds I thought we were happy I thought he was my best friend my love my life I’m broken I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been in my life I’ve started hrt again but do not have the break through bleeds and I think it’s working but h not interested me he’s also talking to another woman on Facebook which is not helping he doesn’t know what he wants I asked him will we ever be intimate again and he said he doesn’t know we have a cruise coming up in two weeks time he said let’s see how it goes but I know it won’t i’ also seeing a therapist on Monday this is what he’s done to me I he and my boys have been victims of my menopause but I’m the biggest one and after my holiday I’m most probably going to move in with my mum I’m just heartbroken and at a loss but reading your stories made me feel I’m not alone in this thanks for listening x

I know it's late but I can't sleep....
My husband left last Friday then he came back Monday ....he's now decided that he's going again....basically he wants to live the life of a single man going out with mates getting pissed whenever he wants not telling me where he is when he will be home ....and I have to say nothing alternatively he will leave me ....no choice is there doormat or alone !
He says that he sees no reason why he he should change his behaviour he is doing nothing wrong ....

One of the common traits of the men we all talk about appears to be their selfishness. It's just all about them and their quest for happiness and us and our DC are just collateral damage. So sad.

I was talking to my husband today and he said I boring because I never wanted to things with him just because I never wanted to fly to go on holidays he forgot the reason why he forgot I passed out on a plane with him and the children he forgot it was my then 18 year old son who took me to the air stewardess not him how soon they forget he said we'll try a trial separation but I'm not going to change overnight and he still can't tell me if he is ever going to make love to me again it's like he's punishing me for what my menopausal body has done to him and yet he still doesn't believe me I feel like getting the interview that ulrika jonsson has just done and her problems were from the menopause as well

I’m petrified and relieved that I’ve found a rental property for myself and my children. It’s tiny but in a lovely area and my son will be able to cycle to his new school. I’m utterly fuming that my h refuses to pay but know for my mental health and my kids’ I have to do this. Thank goodness for my brother loaning me money- I will pay every penny back and hate that I’m in so much debt! Last night my son had no nightmares for the first time in months and I even managed to get a few hours sleep!! It’s been horrendous searching for a new house with most not allowing pets and so few properties on the market! It’s nearly been a year now since my h told me he didn’t love me and the heartache has nearly destroyed me. For my kids I’ve carried on and do feel a little proud for getting a new job, finding my son a new school and at last finding a place we can make a new home in! I will never forgive my h for putting me through this and literally stealing a year of my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust another man! I hope for this to be over for all of us!! Xxxx

Glad you are getting sorted Jem.
It's a year for me too since this is all started so I know how you feel.
I still have house and any school impact to sort out but I just go round in circles with what to do for the best.

Hi ladies - how are you all doing? That’s really great news Jem that you have found somewhere for you and the kids. Same here Viva not yet reached the house sorting stage yet. Part of me wants to make a fresh start with the kids in a completely new area but then again it might be easier to try and buy him out and stay put until I’m in a better position to sell. Dreading that next stage x

I have just got so angry today, I just feel backed into a corner and that I have no choice in anything, I'm so fed up with it all.
I wish we didn't have DC as I just can't bear to even hear him talking on the phone to them.
I just want him gone, out of my life, not living 5 minutes round the corner.
I hope I feel better tomorrow

You deserve to feel angry. It’s so frustrating and unfair to have our lives turned upside down by these selfish men! I knew I had to take back control- make changes and decisions without him to prove to myself that I set my own destiny. I’m fed up with feeling sad/ rejected/hurt ... I’m exhausted by my situation and just want it over and him gone. I don’t think they deserve to roll up and be the fun weekend dad whilst we do all the real parenting. My h is being so cruel about money that his children have rejected him. I would never stop them from seeing him but I truly feel he doesn’t deserve to be part of their lives! He just isn’t the dad he used to be!
I hope you feel more positive and powerful in the morning. Think of all you’ve had to go through and be proud you’re still going strong!

Well done Jem on finding a good rental. I'm scared of where I'll end up as it's likely I can't afford to buy out DH. It's our 10 year anniversary today and I've spent the evening applying for jobs to try to maximise my income. It's a far cry from 10 years ago when I thought I'd just met the man of my dreams. My kids and friends are being brilliant but I feel scared and old. Reading everyone's accounts on here reminds me what a long haul I've got ahead of me. I suppose I'm lucky we don't have kids together. Sending out positive vibes to you all

I’m staying in our house until next summer when the youngest finish A levels
To be honest I’m looking forward to moving and having somewhere that’s mine
Dreading the packing up of everything though! Have already started trying to get rid of stuff and had my first trip to the tip last weekend
Still sad about it all but in a much better place than I was last year
Stay strong everyone x

Morning all. Last night I dreamt I was looking at new houses by the sea, but H turned up and started a fight. Then this morning in the junk mail was an advert for a static caravan site about an hour away, there are some lovely places and I know some older people really like the lifestyle. I mentioned it to H (neither of us will come out of the sale with enough cash for an outright purchase and he's too old for a mortgage) and he said he's not leaving this house.

I think some of you are in the position where you have to stay in the house together until it's sold? How are you managing - particularly if you have kids and not enough bedrooms? Have you sort of "split" the house so your STBExH has a room to himself? And what about the day to day atmosphere?

(PS - not suggesting my STBexH should or will buy a caravan - what he does with his money, when he gets it, is his decision but as for "not leaving this house" - yeah right, that's what he thinks!)

I signed my rental contract today! I’ve opted for a years contract which I can extend. I just am desperate for a year of calm. Just the normal every day issues that everyone deals with- not having to survive the daily battle with a narcissist h!!! Packing up and sorting through 20 years of family stuff is painful and never ending. I’m being tough with myself and getting rid of loads! I’ve done 4 boot fairs and given every penny to my kids who I constantly have to say “no” to as I can’t afford to spend on luxuries. I think it’s going to be good for my MH to be somewhere new and away from constant memories. I’m going to force myself to be sociable and attend PA events alone at my son’s new school and even invite new neighbours over !! I’m excited and scared and can’t believe it’s all happening!
I hope you’re all ok. Be strong everyone xxxx

Hi All. I'm 52. DH 53. Married 27 years together 30. DH wants to separate and I've accepted it now as it's been a year since he first dropped the bombshell. I tried hard to change his mind but in October last year after a menopausal episode where I got a bit paranoid about him not really wanting out relationship to get better (and I was right) he said 'I'm done'. Been trying to sort living arrangements but at moment he is still living with me and 2 DC ( 19 and 21) who we haven't told yet! It's hard, really hard. We are still sleeping in same bed. Going shopping and putting on an act still as he doesn't want to tell anyone until he has sorted his new home that he has put a deposit on. We are still amicable but it's not real for me. It's a weird limbo. I am struggling but getting some comfort and support from reading this thread x

Hi Joselyn66 - I lived in that weird limbo too! It felt so familiar to have my h there that I tried so hard to stomach not being loved. My marriage was a farce and I felt like I was acting all the time- plastering on a smile. I hid the truth well but it damaged my self esteem and I felt utterly worthless. Why should the men make all the decisions? Taking back control has been difficult but empowering. My children 13,18,19 are proud I’ve stood up for myself. Especially my daughters who say I’ve set them a good example of not letting any man belittle me. Make sure when you tell your children they hear the truth about how hard you’ve tried and that this is not your decision!! For your own MH I would try to start distancing yourself from him - go do some things without him that you’d normally do together or do something around the house that he’s normally responsible for. Prove to yourself that you are a strong independent woman (even if you don’t feel it!!) Plus when he does leave it’ll be a tiny bit easier if you’ve started to break those ties. Xxx

Welcome Joselyn I'm a year behind you as my DH asked for a split very recently.
Jen I also having DD with another year of A levels to go but my Dh wants to get out at any cost at the moment. He thinks 12 weeks to get the house sold and away from me should do it. I've to contact all the estate agents he invited to value the house that my home was most definitely not going on the market. He doesn't want to divorce as he doesn't want to pay for it.
I'm mulling over allsorts of scenarios every moment of the day; renting, buying him out, moving away...so when he's laying in the bed next to me snoring like a baby I get a bit stabby.
Jem's advice to disengage is good. I've even resorted to putting my own fuel in the car. This is something I've not had to do since I was a single parent 10 years ago. Guess it will be putting the bins out next.
Dishing It's very hard staying in the same home whilst going through this process. At the moment we're sharing a bed but as he works nights we actually only occupy it jointly for two nights a week so not so bad. I've no idea how long I can keep it up for.
To everyone else, I'm limited in how much time I've got to respond but remember you're not alone and keep posting.

I'm going to try to get H to either rent something or move entirely into our large dining room so we'd only need to share the kitchen and bathroom. He already "lives" in dining room most of his waking hours so it just getting him to agree to sleeping in there - such a big room a sofa bed won't make much difference. My youngest DD is starting college in September so I want to get her settled in, she's had a lot of MH problems. I must admit I hadn't realised how common it is for people to be forced to share a house, or even a bed, even when they have teenage DCs, whilst everything is sorted out for a year or more - DD's MH won't stand that I'll have to see if we can physically live apart much sooner.

He could afford to rent a 1 bed flat, but I would need 3 beds for me and DDs and family size rentals are crap and expensive round here (and in fact several miles radius) plus we have the dog, and youngest DD could not cope with change like that. I know what H will say though - no need for change etc., Dishing can fuck off out of it herself! Leaving him with the DDs, the dog, the house, and he'd have to claim maintenance from me as I am the higher earner.

He'd call that living the dream!