Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I threw my h out last October and nothing has been sorted!! He filed for divorce and I received the paperwork on January 2nd. He put a list of cruel lies saying we’ve been living like brother and sister rather than admit his failures!! I’ve got a lawyer now as he’s not providing enough finances plus I can’t cope with any direct contact. He’s manipulative, belittling and a liar!!! It feels like the man I knew has died so I hope never to have direct contact again. My kids are older so I suppose I’m lucky that I don’t have to deal with sharing child care. I do feel like I’m living abDanielle Steal novel and wish I could hibernate until it’s all over!
I’m in Buckinghamshire and can get to London easily- would be amazing to meet up with any of you! We could go Speed Dating together! 🤣🤣

We’re still both using joint account at the minute. Currently waiting for pension transfer values before another mediation session. Hope it can all be sorted then. I’m staying in house for another year and he’s paying mortgage as he wanted me to not move until youngest two have taken A levels next summer. I’m ok with that as long as it’s all in writing

That’s shocking Jem that he was the one to file when he was the unreasonable one! Who needs men?! I don’t speak to my ex either & I got an extra phone for the kids to share so that they can ring or text him whenever they like and when he comes round to pick them up I just keep out of the way so I don’t have to see him and all communication is done via text. That’s good that you’ve got a lawyer to act on your behalf. I had an initial first meeting to find out where I stood but haven’t instructed a solicitor yet. I just did the divorce petition paperwork myself and sent it to the court. Guess depends what happens when he receives his copy! Maybe this time next year it will all be done and we will be free to get on with our lives.

How has the mediation been Jen? Apparently it can be done in separate rooms nowadays! Not sure I could be in the same room as him when we get to that stage. Good idea to get it all in writing. I’m still in the family home with the kids and he is renting somewhere nearby.

My lawyer is trying to get him to attend mediation with him acting on my behalf but he is delaying everything as much as possible. Meanwhile I’m trapped living in the school house linked to his job. It’s like living in a fish bowl surrounded by gossiping parents. I know all the kids too as that was where I worked!! My h refuses to give me enough money to rent and every penny of our savings are tied up in the house we own on the South coast. He’s only just agreed to put it on the market so goodness knows how long it will take to sell. The school Governors sent me an eviction notice on January 1st ( divorce papers on 2nd then a parking fine on 3rd- not the best start to 2019!) So basically I’m squatting in the school house but I have no choice! My middle child is doing A levels in a couple of weeks and my son is at school here so I couldn’t move to our actual house by the coast. There was no way I was going to leave them and go live there alone whilst he moved back in with the kids! Now he’s handed his notice in the new Headmaster moves in at the start of July but the school where I work breaks up at the end of July! His lawyer says I should go live by the coast for the summer but I can’t do a 4 hour commute for a 3 hour shift at work!! Plus my school starts back in September so if I stay there in August I couldn’t possibly house hunt hours drive away!! Im sooooo stressed. With 2 dogs I need to start house hunting now as not all landlords allow pets. I just can’t understand how he thinks it acceptable to have our children frightened about having no home!

Omg - what an absolute tool!!!!! It must be so much added stress for you
Only had one mediation session so far and opted to just have a joint one. I did end up in tears though (first time since February) and it was the “divorce” word that did it
It’s the little things that get to me - like changing my Facebook status to “seperated” 🙄

What a nightmare situation he’s left you in. You’ve done nothing wrong though so you should hold your head up high. Take no notice of his lawyer as he’ll just be saying what your ex wants to hear. Hopefully the South coast house will sell quickly and at least that will allow you to make plans for you and the kids.

The “d” word still upsets me as I never thought it would happen to us especially after 20 years of marriage!! I was so ashamed to tell anyone what was happening for over a month and lived in a miserable fog. One night it got so bad I called the Samaritans. I knew I wouldn’t hurt myself because my children need me but I desperately wanted to disappear. The anxiety and depression were crippling and I didn’t see a way out. Until now I’ve not really understood mental health issues but I now know how life changing it is. I’m determined not to get depressed again but life is hard. I pray my lawyer can get him to do mediation and put down in writing a fair settlement so it’s over!!

It is so hard isn’t it especially when we didn’t have any control over the situation. I know I felt completely broken when he first left and struggled to put a brace face on. I never wanted my marriage to end either so felt like a failure even though it was his decision. For me it’s been like a grieving process except the person is still alive! Then I kind of went into survival mode and wanted to prove that me and the kids would get though anything with or without him. Even now nearly 2 years later I still go through periods of feeling really low but there’s still so much anger there. Harder still when they seem to just move on so easily without any thought whatsoever for their selfish actions and breaking up families.

I know anger and hatred are not healthy emotions to hold onto but I can’t help it. For my kids’ sake I haven’t done anything vengeful but oh how I’d love to pour paint over his beloved sports car or have cut up his suits or .....

Just catching up and it's actually comforting to know I'm not alone because I sure feel that way, I'm surrounded by smug marrieds (well I know a few "confirmed bachelors" aka older gay men who never came out but my world is full of sit com worthy couples who have matching cars and coordinating hiking jackets in pink and blue!

H (unlike many of your experiences) is actually being very nice to me, I'm still spending his money (I don't even earn enough for the mortgage and council tax) and he says he loves me in a platonic way and wants me to be happy, just not married to him - ouch. I think I might need to join the speed dating, I need to prove to myself there's life beyond him to be able to move on.

I agree about grieving and in a way I wish he'd died because I would have all the good memories and remember him for the good person that he was. Instead he has tarnished our past with his rewriting of history and his negativity, all of which he seemed fine about for 20 years and now he has chosen to take away the future I thought we had.
I look back at photos of us just months before his bombshell and we were smiling, happy, we made plans even about retirement so longterm. He was still telling me he loved me.
And now he never smiles, laughs, says his life is a mess yet he prefers that to what he had and chose that over working on building a better marriage for us.
I just don't understand it.
And that's another thing I really struggle with, how do you stop thinking and caring about them and enable yourself to move on?
I'm trying everything but no matter what I do I just have thoughts in my head all the time about this and am just surrounded by an aura of sadness.

Guess it just takes time. And maybe once we are eventually divorced it might feel different...

I wish my h had died too!! All our wonderful memories are too painful to think about He’s tarnished the past 20 years, ruined the present and made the future so scary!!! What’s the point of saying wedding vows “I promise to love and honour.... until death do us part” Ir until I have a midlife crisis and want to walk away from it all!! I just want to truly enjoy my life again. Xx

Jem I'm so glad I'm not alone in how I feel.
I took my marriage vows seriously, I would never have walked away without trying.
Yep mid life crisis indeed but after so long together and when there are children involved it's just so selfish.

Afternoon all, 30+ years of marriage here and I am 57, H is 62. I'm on the other thread "divorcing against STBXH's wishes" - I should have left 10+ years ago the kids have suffered all sorts because of him; I am trying to make a plan to get him out but there is a timing issue, I am trying to get my youngest settled into college in September as she has had MH issues and cannot cope with upheaval. But you know reading these threads is frightening the number of women trapped in the family home with the STBXH and him pulling all sorts of stunts - I read on another thread about a couple who were forced to stay in the home whilst a divorce etc was settled and the STBXH was having sex with OW in the next room - apologies if the poor OP in that case is on here but I think it demonstrates that the process isn't just massive bust up he leaves end of.

I'm struggling with working out finances at the moment. If we split everything and sold this house now, we'd walk away with a lump sum each that would not even buy a 1 bed flat. With our relative monthly incomes, we could only just rent a 1 bed flat each in any case (and I need to provide a home for my DDs). Kids will be distraught if I take more money myself and leave him in a shabby bedsit. Because I am a bit younger I can apply to buy one of those shared ownership houses but they are horrible on massive grey housing estates (better than the bedsit though!!)

What sort of timetable did you or have you drawn up? So you decide to split, amicably or not, are you then forced to apply for divorce in order to sell the house? Wait for 2 years? My youngest DD could not cope with any more tension or upset in the house so once I tell him, he needs to be out ASAP. I am thinking first thing to do would be to get a sofa bed as we have a large room downstairs with all his stuff in, he could sort of "move in" to that room.

Its like planning a massive military operation using a spoon. i.e. Senseless.

Thank you for joining us! You are such strong women to have your hs stay under the same roof. I can’t bear to catch sight of my h. I literally have a panic attack. He’s knocked my confidence so badly. I decided as he was the one who wanted to destroy our marriage then he could leave! He’s apparently staying in the spare room with another “failure of a husband!” Our house is on the market but I’m not signing any divorce papers until I have in writing how we are splitting assets. Even his lawyer has said I will get a greater share of the money from the house as the children live with me and he earns 3X my salary. After everything is split he’ll then pay child support which will be a minimal amount of his monthly income whilst everything I earn will go on bringing up our children!! The men definitely come out of this easier as far as money and freedom are concerned. Saying that I’d rather have just enough money to get by but have the love and respect of my kids!!

My husband of 10 years announced this weekend just gone that he wanted to leave and sell the house because his head 'was mashed', it was him not me etc... He's 59 and I'm 52 with DD (17) from a previous marriage. I'm gutted. It was my second marriage and we have just moved into my dream home. I gave up all my security as a single parent with my own home to be with him 'for life'
I'm flailing between begging him to stay and between wanting to stab him between the shoulder blades. I love him: I hate him.
He's already arranged for our lovely home to be valued and I know I cannot afford it on my own. I have a good support network and have worked out I cannot afford the teeniest house for me and DD. She will be off to uni next academic year and I will be on my own.
It was hard to get and life after my first marriage ended but now I'm just worn out and feel defeated.
In the meantime we are sharing a house as he cannot afford to leave and it's just so hard. My divorce diet is underway and I have lost 7lb in 4 days as I feel too nauseated to eat. (so not all bad)

You certainly don’t deserve to have to go through this again!! What’s
wrong with these men?!!! When we feel our heads feel “mashed” we don’t run away! Even if I d managed to make my h change his mind I don’t think I’d ever completely trust him again! I’d always wonder what he was actually thinking. He doesn’t deserve you!!

I just don't understand how they get to the point of no return where leaving is their only option without saying a bloody word to us about it before then.
To me, when you're married, walking away should be the last resort after you've tried everything particularly when their are children involved, not the first resort.

Exactly!! I married for life and was willing to accept the ups and the downs. Walking away just wasn’t an option. If he’d abused me that would be a different story. I still can’t believe that this has happened. In my dreams I see him and am so angry! I scream/ shout/ hit him!!! In real life I never got to say what I think of his actions/ behaviour. I was so focused on trying to save my marriage and convincing him that what he was doing was wrong and going to hurt so many people. How can his life be better now? Our 3 children do not speak to him and I have no contact whatsoever. He was my best friend and I thought my soul mate. I can’t believe this is my forever! Feel like I’m just dealing with all the problems but not really living.

At least I'm not the only hopeless romantic here who actually meant the vows I said in church. Since when did "til death do us part" get changed to "I've had enough" or " I want a younger model" ? Men are a strange breed. I know women leave too (I don't mean because of unreasonable behaviour, dv etc) but it's usually men who seem to get bored

I also took my vows seriously and married for life. What was the actual point if you can just walk away so easily. I get the impression that his family think I’m being over the top about expecting to being married for life as according to them people don’t stay together nowadays - well sorry but that doesn’t make it right and I reckon part of it must be down to their parenting for his lack of morals and family values! Our kids deserve a decent role model and I will make sure that mine understand what marriage and family values means. Can’t believe how many of us are in the same situation.

Yes I agree- the attitude seems to be that it’s normal for marriages to end! As a teacher of 20 years I’ve seen too many children suffer as a result of people not working at their marriage and just walking away. I didn’t want this for me or my children! My h had no father and I was always so proud how he was the complete opposite, being devoted to his family. It’s such a shock that he could choose this for his children. I feel his relationships with our children have been damaged and will never be the same. My son in particular is adamant that he’ll never treat his future family like his father has. He refuses to call him “dad” as he says he doesn’t act like a dad should and doesn’t deserve to be called it! What an utter fool my h is to believe at 13,18 and 19 they were old enough to cope! They feel betrayed! As mums we have to deal with our own hurt, continue running the household, work to earn enough to survive and try to support our beloved children!!! Whilst our selfish hs do their own thing!!

I do worry about my DC, they are obviously very upset and have had outbursts.
But when I talk to H about the need to sit down with them and support them and have another conversation with them about it he can't understand the need.
He seems to think that once he'd told them he was going that would be it and we all just accept it and move on.
Bitterly mistaken.
My sadness does appear to be lifting a little, I'm finding pleasure in things but it's been replaced with rage and anger at him for what he has done and the pain caused.
But now I'm trying to move forward with what he wants and he's doing nothing there either.
I honestly don't understand him nor recognise him as the man I loved unconditionally for 20 years