Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I have days just like that too. Sometimes I feel really strong and tell myself my future is going to be more exciting now. I’ve got the power to write myself a new next chapter of my life. Then other days I’m grieving for my marriage. I miss my soul mate. I miss feeling safe and loved. I don’t want adventure and can’t imagine being with anyone else!!! I feel I’ve lost nearly a year of my life dealing with this mess he’s created. You have to keep going for yourself- you deserve to be happy, for the people who love and need you and ... how dare he get on with his life whilst you remain unhappy!!! We will get through this! I find when I’m really low having a good cry, then a long walk in the woods/beach helps. Xxx

I still feel like that sometimes- over 9 months down the line. More good days than bad days now though
Just really want to get finances sorted then I can draw that bloody line and attempt to move forward
Hugs to everyone in this shitty situation xx

@Jem45 I could be writing that, he claims he loves me as a friend but no more for many years yet how can you be with someone for 20+ years and not be in love with them? We don't argue and even now spend weekends etc together. It's a midlife crisis for sure, his mum thinks he'll change his mind but I'm not so sure, it's over I think.

I can relate to all you are saying, after 20 years I don't understand how you just switch off your feelings and not try and work together to make things better.
I too feel very unsafe, insecure and unloved and feel like everything important to me has been taken away with no say.
I'm petrified of what the future looks like know, I feel so alone and so sad about it all.

Although I’m devastated that you’re suffering like me I am so glad to have found you all!! I’ve felt so alone and although I have friends and siblings no one can really understand how this has made me feel!! I go over and over in my mind times we’ve spent together, and with our children, when I was blissfully unaware of the secrets he had in his head!! He claims to have felt our marriage was over for 2 years!! Surely after 20 years of being his wife I deserved to have known this earlier on!! Instead his first words were “ I don’t love you- I want a divorce!” He might as well have punched me - as it was so unexpected!!! Now I’m angry that we were still in a physical relationship all that time- how will I ever trust a man again? My friends say I’m so strong and better off without him but I’m lonely and scared of the future. I want to go to bed at night and not think about him and what he’s done - and I want to wake up and it not be the first thing I remember.

I agree, my H did the same out of the blue although dragged it out for a year after his announcement with false promises and false hopes which has made it far worse.
He claimed he had been unhappy for between 2 months and 12 years depending on when I spoke to him, took him 5 months to tell me what he was unhappy with and it was nothing that most people go through during a rough patch and could easily have been sorted if he'd wanted to try like I did but he didn't.
My friends say the same and if the tables were turned I would say the same to them.
I also feel to old to start again, he has made me feel old, unwanted and ugly and up until now I've always quite liked me.

I feel too old, unwanted and ugly too!! It’s so painful to be rejected by the one person I doted on. But I don’t want to be alone forever! I just can’t imagine ever meeting anyone as all I do is race around looking after my children and dogs and cat!! Whilst my h must be luxuriating with time and freedom. Don’t get me wrong I’d rather have my children than be alone but he’s simply shrugged off any responsibility and I’ve taken on everything - plus have had to increase my hours to full time to survive financially. It infuriates me that he gives me such a minimal percentage of his salary whilst every penny I earn goes to my family! My lawyer will hopefully get me a large percentage of the house money or I’ll never afford to buy a new home. I’m going back full circle to having a tiny home and a huge mortgage so my children have a place to live whilst he ll have a mortgage free flat and huge income!!! How can that be fair? I’ll never forgive him but don’t want my anger/ frustration to ruin my life! All marriages go through rough patches and “love” changes depending upon what’s going on in your life. Sadly our hs were not man enough to work through it! They failed - not us!!!

All marriages go through rough patches and “love” changes depending upon what’s going on in your life. Sadly our hs were not man enough to work through it! They failed - not us!

You are 100% right there!

It’s the fact that we didn’t get a choice.
After 20 years of marriage it should have been a decision made together not forced upon me, as I’m a child!

Yes I feel I have had no choice and the fact he wouldn't try and work on things and just thought leaving was the only option.
Had he agreed to work together to try and see if we could save things I would feel less angry towards him. Even if we'd tried and failed at least this would be the last resort and not the first.
I tried everything but you can't do it on your own.

I feel exactly the same. He made the decision and then nothing I did or said made any difference. Sadly it takes two to make a marriage but just one to destroy it!! He literally switched to become a different person. He’s not only hurt me but our children too. He should never have told them on the same day as telling me! My h is moving over 90 miles away and I can’t wait for him to go! It’s like he’s made a mess so is upping sticks and starting again in a new area. He’s desperate for me to sign the divorce papers but until he agrees to the finances I’m not signing anything!

I wish mine would go as I hate seeing him, I've asked him to but he is refusing.
I'm now going to have to move as I can't get over this if I keep bumping into him and I will as it's a small town.

Hi girls, mind if I join you? In my mid 40s with 3 kids all primary school age. Husband walked out nearly 2 years ago - classic midlife crisis signs. Found out the kids have been introduced to his new woman - the kids told me as he didn’t have the decency to let me know. Feel like the last 20 years have been a lie. Can’t understand how men can just give up so easily and walk away to see if the grass is greener. X

Of course you can join us xxx What a coward your x is to make your kids be the ones to tell you about his new woman!! You definitely better and I don’t think any grass is greener than being with your kids 100% of the time!! He’ll soon discover that life isn’t perfect with the new woman and all relationships need effort to maintain! I feel so sad that his selfish choices have ruined 20 years of memories! I can’t reminisce without feeling upset. I keep thinking about the lies and deception! My kids are older and all refuse any contact with him. I’d never stop them but he’s treated all of us so badly he’s damaged their relationships with him. I hope my h is lonely in his old age!

Agree I want it to all go horribly wrong for him about the Dane time I am happy again and have moved on - although I feel for me that may be a long time coming!

Totally agree with you both and hope karma pays a visit sooner rather than later. With any luck we’ll be there to watch! So glad I’ve found some other women going through the same thing.

My friends have been wonderful but are happily married. It’s just been so painful and I know you understand!! It’s good to know you girls are there. Xx

It’s scary how common this is and we all have such similar stories. I tried absolutely everything to keep my family together - even people I work with questioned how hard I was trying. But I wanted to look back and know that I tried
I’m at the point now where I really don’t want him back but I miss my family unit - thank goodness I still have my kids
I’m having to do stuff I’ve never had to do before. Last week I mowed lawns and dismantled a trampoline. Yesterday I dismantled a triple wooden wardrobe and assembled a new one #girlpower
Stay strong ladies - we can do this because we have to

Same here as friends are all happily married so all of us understand. Me too I would have done anything to save my marriage but it was impossible when one of us had already completely switched off emotionally and given up. So true about the diy and learning how to sort things for ourself, girlpower indeed!

Same here- I did everything to save my marriage... feel I belittled myself. I wanted to show him what he was choosing to walk away from. I grieve for our family unit but most definitely don’t want him back. I miss the old him not the selfish man he is now. Am impressed by your DIY skills!! My greatest achievement has been driving!! He always took over all the motorway driving so I became nervous about it. Well I’ve had to drive across the country to drop off and pick up my eldest from uni plus take my middle one to drama school auditions. I feel empowered that I can go anywhere I choose!! We will be stronger because of what they’ve done and I hope one day we all say we’re truly happier. Xxx

Yes I really miss our little family, i genuinely thought we were ok until this, not perfect but there was never anything that made me think we were that wrong. If someone had said this would happen a year ago I would have laughed at them for being so ridiculous that's how blindsided I was and still am I suppose.
The person my H is now is just the polar opposite of what he was like before, he was genuinely a really good person but now I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and I'm still struggling with how someone can change so drastically in such a short period of time.
I'm not ready now but don't want to be on my own forever but other than OLD which is just alien to me, how do you meet someone out our age? I also look at men my age and they do nothing for me (they probably would say the same about me!). Scary.

You literally have written what I’m experiencing!! I don’t want to be alone forever but I spend every waking minute looking after my children/ dogs or I’m at work!!! Plus I agree men a similar age to me seem to be overweight with a receding hairline!! I don’t want a toy boy either!! Not sure I’m ready to even go on a date but I hope I will one day! Has anyone been brave enough to go on a dating app?

Same here I would have laughed if anyone said he would have left as it was completely out of the blue as far as I was concerned. Still can’t believe how someone can change like that. I begged and pleaded with him to stay but he still left. Wish I’d been stronger and just told him there’s the door use it but at the time I would have done anything for him to stay. Now can’t even imagine looking at another man ever again let alone when I’d get the chance to actually meet one! Haha we need a net Mums night out as think some of you may be same area x

It’s hard because all my closest friends are married
I’ve had a look on Plenty of Fish - hmmmm is all I’ll say!!!!
I’m NE England if anyone local wants a singles night out 😂

Jen yes would be great to meet up with someone in same situation! Can I ask how far along are you ladies with things? I filed the divorce petition last month under grounds of ‘unreasonable behaviour’ as he didn’t have the balls to admit to adultery in writing. Apparently it takes 3-4 months for the court to process the paperwork and send to him so could take a while then we’ve got all the finances etc to sort. Child arrangements we have sorted ourselves but I want something in writing to make it all official. Didn’t want to be the one to end the marriage but once I found out the kids had been playing happy families with OW that was it for me and now I just want it sorted so me and the kids can move on and make a new start. Haha not sure about these online dating apps ! Do they actually look anything like the profile pictures 😂