Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

It does sound as though it has helped you Jen and you sound in a much better place than me.
Do you mind me asking what you are taking?
I think I'd be better if I didn't see him but because of the DC age I still have to see him at drop off/pick ups albeit now just in his car on the drive and even that gives me rage!

Hi everyone, been reading through this forum over the past couple of days, sad but comforting knowing
I am not alone in this situation. My H of 22 yrs (he's 51, I'm 48) has been leading a double life for over a year. He has a well paid job working a few days a month in the Ukraine and I've found out he's on his 3rd affair, telling these women he's divorced. He admits he's having a midlife crisis but says he's 'addicted to the stunning women' out there. Stating none of it is my fault its just him and he openly admits he wanted his cake and eat it! He does look good for his age and gets lots of female attention out there. I'm sure the fact he's British has a lot to do with it. The current gf (40 yr old) is self employed as a cosmetic procedure beautician, owning her own property so 'not after his money .' She is intensely jealous, constantly messaging him which he us finding suffocating - what a shame!! We have a joint mortgage which we are still paying off. He is in no hurry to move out and is currently covering all the bills and mortgage to enable me to save money. I'm just buying food for myself and our adult daughter. I have started divorce proceedings, he has signed admitting adultery so far. My solicitor is going to be asking him to cover costs due to my part time wage. He thinks the house should be split 50/50 but it wont be enough for me to buy another property so the sol will be asking him for full disclosure of his assets. He has a very good pension but I will need money now for a new property so hoping he will agree to giving me a bigger percentage from the house. He hasn't a clue about divorce proceedings and what I could be entitled to, think he's in for a shock and won't be willing to be so amicable. A long way to go here, just hoping things will be sorted by this time next year.

So sorry to have to welcome you to this club Emily - so many similar stories!!!

Viva - I’m on sertraline x

Hi everyone,
Thanks to those who have replied to me. I don’t think at the moment it’s looking like I’m going to be able to afford to buy my own property after we sell our house. I’ll have to rent for a while at least until I get myself sorted. I really resent him at the moment. He’s moving out after Easter. It can’t come quickly enough!
Btw I’ve just started on sertraline too although I’ve been on another antidepressant for years.

Hi everyone, I've been reading this thread with interest. I think I'm a bit behind in that we haven't decided to split but I can see it coming down the track. I'm 51, DH is 54. We have 2 young DC, 8 and almost 3, and the combination of them and the finances are holding me back from pressing the nuclear button, but I'm trying to think through the options.

@VivaVegas if you don't mind, would you mind sharing what final arrangements you're aiming for? I think our situations have some parallels - I'm the main breadwinner too. It would really help to be able to envisage what a realistic future arrangement might look like.

DH hobbyjobs while saying it's impossible for him to solve any of his problems and I pay for childcare to enable the illusion that he's contributing at any sort of reasonable level. We've had no intimacy for 2 years but are a good parenting team, and in theory could continue like this for quite a while, but my resentment is growing daily and I'm exhausted from shouldering the financial load and the emotional toll of being lonely in a relationship. He remains entirely in denial

To my mind @OneMoreForExtra you have to figure out what's stopping you ending what appears to be an unhappy relationship. Is it fear?is it that you think you can turn it around? Maybe it's the children! Imagine how sad DC will feel when they're 28 and 25 and realise that you lived all those years, unhappy for them!!
I made the decision to end it after 20 years (no small children involved) and I won't, for a second, pretend it was easy. I felt anger, guilt, sadness and fear.
I'm only 6 months on but I'm financially stable, though it's hard and most importantly I'm happy. I have my work, my family, my friends and my space. So far I have no regrets. We had probably been 'separating' for years without really acknowledging the fact.
Take your time? There's no rush.
Take care 🙂

Just checking in, how are people doing?
I am less sad more of the time but more angry, it that makes sense. But not so angry about the past but the current situation and the future.
Possibly because even though this is his choice he is the one doing as he's always done which is nothing while I'm trying to organise getting assets valued, see a solicitor etc etc
He is doing nothing apart from moaning at me that he is skint and is on his knees.
Yet all this was his choice, doesn't make sense.

I'm still in limbo as apart from him sleeping in the spare room nothing has changed, his salary went into the joint account as normal. I'm off to a preliminary interview meeting in a couple of hours because if I can double my salary the situation will be very different, I cannot tell him to leave because I need his money. He says he won't change his mind, just wants to be friends

Stucknoue - sounds similar situ to me. How did your meeting go? I'm hoping to up my hours to full time. Currently he is in the spare room covering all the bills and mortgage. Hoping he will receive a letter from my solicitor by the end of this week. Keen to get things moving.

Hi - it feels like a positive step to have found you all. I feel so low and am battling letting my depression take over me again.
Last July- a few days before our 20th wedding anniversary my husband totally floored me by saying “ I don’t love you - I want a divorce!” He then immediately told our 3 children aged 12,17,18. I had absolutely no idea. We were in my eyes in a living relationship both physically and emotionally. We fell asleep holding hands!!! Since then life has been devastating. He’s a Headmaster and I worked for him in his school. I had to leave my job. I had followed him to another county to support his career which meant leaving my job, my sister, my friends and my home. I live in the school house and the governors have given me an eviction notice but I do not have the financial capability to pay rent. My husband pays me a minimal amount and now I have a lawyer and am forced to file a maintenance pending suit order. It gets worse.... he suddenly resigned from his job so our youngest child has lost the fee discount at school and has to leave!! So I’ve lost my job, my home, my child’s education and my surname!! I am utterly devastated and feel so alone. My parents have both died and my siblings live far away.

Jen that sounds horrendous. Has he given any more detail about why he suddenly made the divorce announcement . Was there anyone else involved? Why has he now resigned from his job? Your poor child this is so difficult especially with losing their school place which is probably their only bit or normality at the moment , what a b**# your husband is to do this now. But you will get through this one step at a time . Can you get another job this is key to getting some independence back, also make sure you get what you are entitled in relation to benefits, maintenance etc. Start looking at state school places my DC have moved school a number of times and children tend to be fairly resilient and adaptable. And keep posting there is a lot of online support here who will help you get through this

Sorry Jem I called you Jen by mistake!

Thank you so much for replying. His narcissistic behaviour has made me feel like I’m to blame. My first reaction to his announcement was to beg and belittle myself in an attempt to save our marriage. He claims he’s not been unfaithful but I’ve had to cope with horrendous rumours! I found cinema ticket receipts on his American Express statement when he should have been on a teaching course! Then when the lawyer got his bank statements there was a large payment to the woman the gossip was about! She also is a teacher in his school. It’s been horrendous with parents stopping me in the supermarket and voicing their opinion in front of my son!! He’s so desperate not to leave school where he feels safe and it’s the only thing stable in his life. I’ve had to find another school which is free and he’s going have to be brave! Meanwhile he hides from his father at school and refuses any contact. I’ve taken him to the gp as he’s anxious and has developed OCD symptoms checking doors and windows at night and night terrors! I’m exhausted. In January I literally visited 10 local schools and got myself a new job as I couldn’t afford to put food on the table. Life is just so scary.

He claims he had to leave his job as the gossip was damaging his reputation!! He put himself before his children. My son found out his father was leaving in the school playground and I found out by Parentmail.

Jem his behaviour is shocking . I think the only silver lining in this is there will be no doubt you are better off without him. Your poor son I totally agree putting himself before his children who would do this? Glad to hear you have a job make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled too .
It will be really hard for your son these next few months as he will be worried about what he will be going into with this new school . Is there any way you can network with any parents, head of year of the new school before he starts so you can potentially alleviate some of his concerns . try and access other parents/children through after school clubs if any (my DD who changed school and country last September benefitted hugely by joining the local athletics club and has made some great friends who also attend her school) Otherwise distraction needed (hobbies, volunteering, park runs anything) l will say that as difficult as this process will be for your son my DC ultimately have become very adaptable , resourceful adults/teenagers who are praised for their confidence from their many school moves (expat , trailing spouse, impending divorce!) But when you are in the thick of it , it is a nightmare However It sounds like given what you have already achieved you are being amazing and your son should be glad he has got you on his side

Jen I just wanted to reach out to you. What I can’t understand is how someone can turn almost overnight. I’m 50 and in deep shock and distress with my Hs behaviour over the past 2 weeks. You sound strong and although it’s hard just remember that the way these men behave is a reflection of them and not us. I’m sure you, like me, have only ever done the right thing, only to have it all thrown back in your face. Keep strong and let’s try and support each other x

It’s so lovely to communicate with someone who knows what I’m going through. All my friends are happily married and I don’t want to be crying every time I see them.
Yes thank you for the advice about his new school. I’ll see if there’s a parents’ association that I can get involved with plus will encourage my son to join some after school clubs. I’ll also try and meet with the head of Year before he starts to give them some background information. X
I just want to get to the next part of my life and out of this house that’s full of memories. I’ve sorted my child allowance and Universal Credit. Money is just so tight with 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat!! My husband has literally dumped us all and I’m left responsible for everything! I just can’t comprehend how he could choose to act like this. I couldn’t cope not seeing and knowing my children. They deserve better. I’m just so sad it’s all happening. I never dreamed that he’d turn on me. I believed he was my best friend and we’d grow old together!! Thank you for your replies today- they’ve help me get through a really tough day x

Braveheart34 I’m so sad you’re suffering too. My h has become a completely different person- I wish I could show the h of the past what he’s become!! It’s was like someone else was inside his body- he looked the same but acted so differently. You definitely don’t deserve this. X

💐🍷 for you all

It's very strange as my H is like such a different person too, he was always kind and trustworthy, and we rarely argued. He now lies, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and is just so cold.
How does that happen?? Is that part of a mid life crisis?? I don't know but irrespective they seem to be throwing everything away without considering anyone other than themselves.
My goal now is to make a good life for me and my DC and hope that he ends up miserable and unhappy, harder but the way he has treated me for s year I feel that's what he deserves!

I definitely think it’s a midlife crisis! My h has become the polar opposite of the man I knew. We never argued either and although we could have spent more quality time together, when we were alone we got on so well! His job took priority over everything but I supported him and was proud of how hard he worked for our family. I seriously didn’t see it coming and am still in shock. He sent me divorce papers full of lies saying we’d been living as brother and sister for years!! It’s all so unbelievable and I don’t believe a word he says or trust him. Sadly I’m still grieving for the husband he used to be. He’s now a text book version of a narcissist and I’m trying so hard to put all my energy into making my children’s lives happy rather than just building up hate towards him. I hope he gets what he deserves in his future life too! I just want to enjoy life again and not feel overwhelmed with sadness.

I completely understand how you feel and I too am struggling to put into practice what I say I need to. I've been sat here all morning thinking about it which does me no good!
I am having counselling as I do didn't see this coming either, our marriage wasn't perfect but I honestly thought we'd grow old together.
If it helps my councillor says it's true that people in this situation will rewrite history to justify their actions which is exactly what my H has done (been unhappy for years, everything became too functional, I didn't pay him enough attention) etc etc and I have to stop listening to him as it's about him not me but you damage yourself further with your thoughts which I am very guilty of.

I’m exactly the same as you in that all I do is go over the past few years in my head- wondering what he was actually thinking when we spent time allot as a family. It’s so painful to think it was all a lie! Your councillor is so right! My h has completely rewritten our history and it’s so untrue!! It’s so frustrating! I hate to think what he said about me to other people!!! Friends and family are in shock as he put on such a convincing show of being in love with me -he fooled us all! All I ever did was love and support him!! It hurts so much that he’s happy to be rid of me and is willing to hurt our children just to be apart from me!!! We have no choice but to live through this and I hope one day not to have him in my thoughts when I fall asleep and wake up! X

See yesterday I was strong and positive, today I've just fallen apart.
It's just awful, I want to feel better, I want to try to move on but I just get stuck.