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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

830 replies

midnightmoon8 · 03/10/2018 09:15

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

OP posts:
Jen1519 · 15/03/2019 21:12

Hi viva
I’m still having good days and not so good days - but the not so good days aren’t as bad as they used to be
I’m feeling very positive which is great (still think it’s the meds that have helped!)
How are you doing? I think of you often as we’re in such similar positions x

VivaVegas · 15/03/2019 23:09

Glad to hear you are on more of an even keel Jen.
I've had a better week, fewer tears and down moments but still feel all over the place and in denial, not helped by H still not being willing to make things final but not willing to work on things either.
Have moved most of his stuff into the spare bedroom cupboards so it's out of sight which I think has helped psychologically and had a meeting to discuss pensions/assets etc during which I managed not to fall apart.
On my own this weekend without the DC which is when I normally have a meltdown but am going to start spring cleaning the house to try and keep my mind of things.
Still love him and hate him in equal measure!

stucknoue · 01/04/2019 02:55

Can I join, not quite 50 but too close. He is determined he says, won't even consider relate, very scary!

VivaVegas · 04/04/2019 22:05

Welcome Stuck, sadly not a great club to be in!
It's all gone very quiet, how is everyone?
I'm in a mess struggling with everything and just don't know how I can ever get over this, it's just like a horrible nightmare that is my lifeSad

Ivebeenbetter · 04/04/2019 22:34

@VivaVegas
You can do this. You're stronger than you think. I promise that no matter how things seem now, it will not last forever.
Ask yourself how many women, all over the world, not just in our little group.... millions of them have been through this. They survived and most came out stronger and happier. You can't rely on one person to make you happy. Only you, and you alone are capable of that. 😊

VivaVegas · 05/04/2019 07:21

Thanks Ivebeenbetter I just feel so lonely and sad about losing everything I thought I had.
He claims he wasn't happy for a while but just never said anything and that I should have noticed how unhappy he was and the fact that I didn't shies how little attention I gave him. So that makes me think it's my fault.
Whereas the reality was if he was that unhappy he was a pretty good actor, his behaviour didn't differ much to how he always was (he's never really helped much at home even though I work full time) and if it was that bad why didn't he say anything. I was blindsided, and still am.
This has gone on for months with him basically keeping me dangling and giving me mixed messages and false hope (with a lot of lying thrown in and possibly OW which has been and is denied to everyone).
So as we are now done DC will be told and I need to try and get myself in a better place than I am now - easier said than done.
I hate what he's done, I hate he threw everything we had as our family away and that the future we had planned is no more. I can't help thinking how this could be avoided if only he had said whenever he became unhappy but I don't think he even knows that.
I've seen the GP, I see a councillor, I exercise and I see friends but nothing is making me see any positivity at all.

stucknoue · 05/04/2019 07:52

I've been going through everything and the lists are getting longer and longer. Though for self esteem I logged onto an online dating site and got two offers of a date on the first morning! (I won't be taking them up but made me feel good!)

Nothing is happening here until he actually gets his act in gear though, he hasn't got his own bank account which is essential to prove you have separated if you choose to stay in the same house (even if the whole balance then goes into the joint account)

Jen1519 · 07/04/2019 22:47

Hi all
Well I’m over 8 months down the line now
It’s got easier. I’m not bitter as I refuse to let this shitty situation ruin my life
I still have moments where the loneliness suddenly hits me but I’ve learnt that it will pass. I find weekends the hardest - strange feeling to look forward to a new working week every Monday
Think I’m staying in the house for the next year until two youngest have finished A levels
Going to mediation (whatever that is) to sort finances out
Kids seem ok which has always been my main concern
Don’t know if I’d have felt this ok without medication but I feel they’ve really helped

Itsnotme123 · 08/04/2019 04:58

I walked out of a 33 marriage, said I was going to the shops to get coffee and didn’t go home. Sounds brutal but it was the only way I could get away from him without causing an atmosphere. I thought I could tell him how I feel but I just couldn’t get the words out, so walking out was the only way I could do it.

It’s quite amicable now. He realised, in fact we both knew that we were never really made for each other. We’ve passed the Nisi stage and are sorting the financials (I made him swear he would not apply for absolute until the financials are sorted)

I can be tipped over the edge quite easily and go into a real depression, but I can’t wait to be divorced.

We must all stay strong.

VivaVegas · 09/04/2019 06:56

I'm still struggling but have worked out my trigger is seeing him so have told him I need to cut him off completely as I'm too hurt to see him, yet he thinks it's fine just to pop round as he wants to be friends, which I can't do.
I think I need to do this to be able to try and move on.
And then I guess I need to decide what to do with the house, where I live etc.
I thought life was meant to get easier as you head towards 50, I'm too old to start all over again. It's just too depressing.

Jen1519 · 09/04/2019 07:46

You’ll get there viva
I think I’m finding it easier now as I have zero respect for him and now when I look at him I think “your loss”
Xx

VivaVegas · 09/04/2019 12:22

I hope so Jen I just can't see anything positive about the future without him at the moment.

IndieTara · 09/04/2019 18:19

@VivaVegas you are def not too old to start again.

I separated from XH at 45 when DD was 3. We've had lots of lows and a few highs but I don't regret it for an instant.

A few months ago I got together with a friend I've known 15 years. He is turning out to be a fab boyfriend and def a keeper!

karenb6702 · 09/04/2019 20:57

Hi
Can I join thread please ?
I'm 45 and 4 weeks ago my husband of 15 years left me for a 29 year old girl at his work .
I begged him to end it he just said that he couldn't give her up packed his bags and was gone .
I've never seen or heard from him again ( we don't have children )
I've never once heard from my in laws either not one call or text it's just like I don't exist anymore ??
Anyway all you strong women give me hope that I can and will get through it x

Ivebeenbetter · 09/04/2019 23:09

@karenb6702
That's not nice. So sorry this has happened to you. My story is very different to yours but ultimate we are all in the same boat now no matter how we got here. Stay strong and good luck with all that's to come. Take care of yourself.

VivaVegas · 09/04/2019 23:10

Sorry to hear that Karen not a club anyone wants to be in but welcome.
What an awful thing to do, what is it with these men of a certain age?
I'm not strong at all, in fact failing miserably at even trying but hopefully one of the others who has managed to move on a bit can help.

karenb6702 · 10/04/2019 08:09

As I say it's only been a month and I've never did so much research on affairs in my life !
Everyone says it's a rollercoaster and never a truer word said . One minute I'm crying the next minute I'm saying she can have him cause he is a cheat and a lier .
I'm having terrible panic attacks but I think it's cause I'm scared of being alone for ever .

He does not have a care in the world when I asked him was he having an affair he laughed in my face and basically told me to get over it cause it was my fault !!
In the last month he's turned in to a right nasty B !
He has nothing left in the house at all not even his cup but he's ordering stuff from Victoria secrets and getting it delivered to the house then picking it up when I'm at my work . He has left an empty packet of condoms on my bed !!
Anyway I'm determined to have the last laugh no matter how long it takes me . He has absolutely broken me but I'll never let him know that xx

VivaVegas · 11/04/2019 07:37

So many of us say they have turned into different people: Cold, couldn't care less, heartless etc and act as though they have done nothing wrong.
This is where the mid life crisis thing comes in as during that I have read a person is like 2 different people, the 40 something person they really are and a 10 -12 year old child who thinks they know it all, doesn't fully understand the impact of their actions and is very difficult to reason with.
Doesn't help us, I'm broken too and still have so much hate in me.
I hope he lives to regret what he has done and that by the time he does I have moved on tons much happier place. I can't see that right now and the damage is already done to the DC and I but we live in hope!

Carrick27 · 12/04/2019 01:43

Hi, I’m ending my marriage after 20yrs together. I’m late forties and I’ve been unhappy for a long time, even split before but took him back 🙄 I never thought I’d have to start again at this age. He’s been very controlling and mentally draining me over the years. I’ve no confidence and my mental health has suffered. Just had enough of his selfishness!

stucknoue · 12/04/2019 07:33

Welcome Carrick to the club no one wants to join ...

Tweennightmare · 15/04/2019 11:36

Carrick I am in a similar position should have split 4 years ago but bottled it at the last minute . So we have dragged it out, no affair just general unhappiness and frustration with each other. We have now agreed to divorce but H still living in the same house hopefully moving out end of June. Atmosphere is toxic I don’t think hubby has said more than 2 sentences to me this year! And when he does talk he refuses to look at me. I think I am going insane with the stress . I imagine when he does move out I will just come home to his stuff cleared out I would be amazed if he told me his plans Meanwhile I am trying to compensate for the strained atmosphere for my DD by being super jolly with her. On the plus I have had plenty of time to get my ducks in order . I have photocopies of all finance docs and We have agreed I will stay in the smaller house we own while we rent out the family house until we decide to sell so hopefully if I can get through the next few months things should be easier but I do worry about how lonely I am going to be especially as my youngest will be off to Uni next year no family nearby except MIL and having lived overseas for the last decade or so have lost contact with a lot of local friends.

VivaVegas · 15/04/2019 21:29

More counselling tomorrow, getting fed up with paying someone to try and make me feel better Confused

Jen1519 · 15/04/2019 21:48

Viva - don’t know if you’ve considered medication- I never wanted to and struggled on for over 6 months. It has made such a difference to how I feel. Started it beginning of February and not shed a tear since.
I hate to think you’re still in that dark place - it’s a bloody horrible place
Xx

VivaVegas · 15/04/2019 23:12

Hi Jen I just worry it would mask how I'm feeling and then when I stopped it would all come back so just delay my recovery (if there is such a thing).
I just feel I will never get over this, how do you get over losing the only man you've ever loved and thought you'd spend the rest of your life with along with now not seeing my DC every day.
I want to hate him for treating me so badly and do but can't get rid of all the emotions I feel.

Jen1519 · 16/04/2019 08:02

I’m thinking of it as being like a crutch- it’s just taking the edge off and allowing me to make positive decisions
I understand your reluctance though
I felt that I’d got as far down as I was capable of going without having a full on melt down. I now feel like I’m “living” again albeit a different life to what I had and what I thought I’d always have
And when I see him I realise I’m in a far better place than he’ll ever be as I don’t have any guilt
Life will go on and we will adapt. My kids are older so it may be a bit easier. They’re all out with him today while I’m at work doing an escape room thing for DD’s 21st. And I’m fine with it - especially if they leave him in there 😂