Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Hi viva
I have been given an anti depressant hopefully just for short term
Seemingly the first few days can feel worse and sick so am trying to get through those
I felt sick yesterday but shouldn’t last long
I have to go back in a month
Didn’t want sleeping pills but hoping these might clear my head a bit and help with that
How are you today? X

Are you feeling any better Jen?
I'm not in a good place and I'm not helping myself by sending H abusive texts, I just get so angry and upset and lash out and then he's horrible to me, with his selective negative memory, picking me go on stuff and twisting things.
Just awful.

I was married 20 years when ex-H left, and my divorce was very messy and expensive, ex-H was a bit of a nutcase. He'd been having affairs for most of our marriage and I had become something of an expert in denial. But eventually I managed to find the courage to ask him for a divorce and he found the obligatory younger OW to take over from me.

My divorce was finalised two years ago and I wanted to share you with ladies the relief I feel every morning that it's all over. I was very worried about being alone and not managing financially - I won't say it's been an easy ride, but it's nowhere as difficult as I imagined.

So hang in there everyone - you deserve a whole lot better in life.

💐for you all

I keep trying to seek inspiration from positive stories but how do you ever get over losing someone you love and thought you'd spend the rest of your life with? Also that the situation now means you don't get to see your DC everyday, how on earth do you accept that?

I’m feeling a bit better Viva - possibly psychological as don’t think they can have kicked in since Tuesday
I’ve done all the abusive texts and now I’ve stopped- don’t send anything unless I have to. If he wants to leave me then I’m not going to be there for him as a friend either. He’s just been around to fix DD car but I kept out of the way
He still wants me to consider not selling the house, just extending mortgage to make it cheaper and he would pay it.
But I want a clean break - don’t want to worry about him changing his mind
I would rather have somewhere that’s all mine
I’m also struggling with the “losing someone you love” and a changed future. We both seem like we’ve had (what we thought were) happy marriages - that’s what makes this so hard. If he’d been abusive, nasty, cheating - then I would feel differently about the split

I can't pretend my marriage was perfect. H had an affair with a work colleague 2 years into our marriage. He denied everything even though they were both sacked in the end. I dealt with it by denying it to myself. Don't think I ever got over it deep down but we moved on and have been happy for 26 years but now he wants out. He is still sleeping next to me and we do shopping, films, family stuff together as he won't go until his 4 bed new build is ready and he won't tell DC until it's all ready for him. It's killing me everyday. I'm jealous he'll find OW, not sure he hasn't already, I'm worried I'll spend rest of my life alone. I concentrate on the financials now while I wait in limbo because I have to have a distraction from the pain

Joining. 2 children aged 12 and 10. I'm 48.
He came home from the pub at lunchtime and said he wanted out. He's sleeping now after a verbal onslaught which left me and the kids reeling.
I'm no fun anymore. All he does is work (ditto, except I work longer hours). I never want sex (true. I'm perimenopausal and have autoimmune issues). I'm apparently crazy because I contradict him.
I just think, despite the children crying that they want us together, he's an arsehole. He's becoming increasingly rightwing and shortsighted. He drinks too much. But it's my fault.

I'll get no money. He has none. I am the wage earner. His sole business dream barely ticks over. He has debts and perhaps more than I know.

My only support is his family and they think he is golden. I've no idea where to go from here. Bit shellshocked tbh.

It is shellshocking. I still flit between realising it's happening and then more denial. It's limbo as we haven't told DC or ANYONE even my parents. He doesn't speak to his. Nothing's real ATM I'm arranging to take over mortgage in my sole name and yet still cooking his meals, doing his ironing, washing his pants.. joke really...just feel lost

I am really floundering. He's in my actual bed after telling me he's had enough. I spent the evening coaxing round dd and calming ds. I will be on the sofa. But it's all my fault because i'm boring. I have no actual idea how to proceed. My best friend said to carry on because of the kids but i think my mum carrying on is what got me to this fucking point. He shouts at me. He doesnt like me. Its my fault.

I want better for my daughter. Shes angry at me now.

I feel lost. It'd be ok if he was financially secure but he's not. It's just me. And i don't earn enough. (Teacher)

Fizzy Phlebas Vegas I have read most of the thread & just wanted to pop in with some words of support. My H left in Feb 2013, I was divorced in 2014, but didn’t settle the financials until 2017. It was pretty awful. My D.C. were 19 & 21 at the time & we had been married for 24 years.
It will get better, I am now very happy, much more so than when married ( he was a miserable git & got us into a great deal of financial difficulty) I also have a delightful partner, and am doing alright financially.
Just be sure you take care of yourself financially, do not listen to STBXHs crap, It will probably be hard. Get support wherever you can.You will come out stronger & happier.

It's just so consuming, from the minute I wake up until last thing at night.
All the unanswered questions going round in head. His version of things being so bad, yet they weren't, it wasn't perfect but that's real life and I would have noticed. If that's the case why were we still making plans for the future. It's like it's all been a lie.
H looks awful, says his life is now a mess but won't do anything to try and change things while he still has a chance, just doesn't make sense.

Thankyou Moanranger and everyone else for words of advice and support. My heads exploding with confusion of emotions and then working out how I'll survive financially so it's really good to get some positive thoughts and experiences

Phelebas considered (and one of my favourite books by the way) follow your gut instinct. I ignored the niggling doubts about my XH, mostly because of our kids and fear of coping financially, but it didn't make the kids happy. They witnessed some horrendous rows and I could have prevented that. Do it - yes, you will probably be a bit broke (I'm a teacher too and I've managed just about to make ends meet) but a happy calm home is worth so much more than money in the bank.

I agree with some of the happier posts in this thread. I'm now 3 months on.
My money seems to be stretching to pay all the bills including the new mortgage and there's some fun thrown in there as well.
I love that there's no more arguing and that I can choose to do what I want when I want.
There is a true sense of calm but that took time coming. Initially I was terrified and really sad.
Things do get better even if it's only because they have to. Stay strong and positive ladies.

How is everyone doing?
I feel so much better since going to the drs and getting some medicinal help
Still sad but not crying, sleeping better and now feel like I can face whatever is to come
Xx

Hi, I'm in my early 50's, have just got my decree nisi, was with my (almost) ex husband for 28 years. Last year I found out that he is a lying cheat. We have 2 children with Autism, 1over 18 the other just under 18, life is not so good for us right now. Me and the eldest are on antidepressants and the youngest may well be heading that way too, he has been displaying some unusual (for him) behavior and I'm beginning to feel a little more worried than I normally am.

You are definitely not alone.

I hope you and your children come through this ok and find happiness
Thinking of you x

Sorry to hear you are struggling Have, it's so horrible how these men can just destroy things with their actions.
Glad you are feeling better Jen, I just can't seem to get to that place, can't adjust to but seeing my DC every day, how do you ever accept that being forced on you?? Hate being on my own in the house that was our family home and just feel so fed up with it all.
H appears to now be having another depressive episode, so nothing finalised and the limbo continues.
If anyone had told me a year ago I would be in this position I would have laughed at them.

Viva - my children are older (20/16/16) and because H is just in a room in a shared house they don’t stay there anyway
He takes them out for tea and I’ve got used to that
I’m sorry to hear that it’s still not getting any easier
I hope in time we’ll both come on here like others do and give “it gets better” support
Xxx

Thank you, I'm sure that we will get through this, of course we will be financially worse off but I'm hoping that we can keep the house, stbxh says that he doesn't want to sell it mainly because our youngest may never be completely independent and currently needs consistency and lots of support. What has hurt me the most is the ow going from family friend to my husband's lover who has now shown her true colours towards my youngest, she has been verbally abusive, disablist and has threatened him with physical violence and she doesn't care who hears her often saying things out of earshot of stbxh whilst believing that DS cannot hear her. I can't keep DS away from her because they attend the same events and it is one of the only two places that DS will go to and he wants to continue to go there.

How is everyone?
I had a few good days where I felt stronger and more on control but then saw H yesterday which has brought me back to an emotional wreck again.
Part of me thinks the only way I can deal with this is to move away so I never have to see him again but that wouldn't be fair on the DC or him, but then is what he is doing fair on me, not really!

I'm 45. After 8 years with DH and almost constant cocaine abuse and sleeping with escorts ( him not me!) I've laid down the law. No more. Final nail was a paypal payment to an escort which I found out by snooping. This was all tonight. God only knows what I will do as I haven't worked for 8 years but I can't take any more

Dharma - I don’t blame you!!! Sounds like you’ve put up with horrendous behaviour for quite long enough
Viva - sorry to hear seeing him sets you back a step. Not sure if my medication or i would have got to this point anyway - but I don’t feel anything for him now. I’ve lost all respect for him anyway after what he’s done. I really feel like I’m strong enough to begin to move forward
Starting to declutter my house in preparation for getting it on the market, really loving the gym at the minute too

It's all gone very quiet, how is everyone?