Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I eventually told my H today that I couldn’t go on in this limbo that I’ve now endured for 6 months. So he eventually admitted he couldn’t see himself wanting to come back home. So I’ve cancelled Tuesdays counselling session and this is it
I’m upset, scared for the future but also a bit relieved that I finally have a definitive answer
I’m hoping to sell the house and buy something mortgage free. I’ll still be skint but at least won’t have to worry about paying a mortgage
It’s all shit and I’m devastated about what’s happened to my family
My kids are the most important things in my life and at least I still have them
Xx

Well this week isn’t getting any easier
Sleep is horrendous- usually awake about 3am thinking of all the stuff I have to do
Still can’t believe he’s done this to us - always such a family orientated man
I’m convinced it’s a mlc/hormone imbalance and I hope he ends up regretting it - give him a taste of the absolute pain I’m feeling
I’ve got a weekend away with my friends this weekend and I’m hoping to really enjoy it and just forget about it all for 3 nights
Can’t imagine ever feeling totally happy again
How is everyone else doing?

I feel the exact same way. I'm having a bad few days and kept crying at uni today. I just keep thinking about the fact he will probably buy a valentines card and gift for her next week. It absolutely kills me that he could do this to us, he was always such a quiet family man.

Neverhot it's awful isn't it, I just feel like I will never get over losing my husband, my family and the life I thought I would have. My whole life and future just taken away from me.
A year ago we were still planning things, there were no signs he was unhappy and then a few months later it all started, that's partly why I don't believe that he's been unhappy for years, it's bullsh** he's just trying to justify his actions.

I’m exactly the same Viva - I would have known if mine had been unhappy for years - he’s not that good an actor!!!
And even though I’m not interested in meeting anyone else at the minute I opened a POF account “to see what was out there” 😂
Bloody scary is what’s out there!!!
I think about this every waking minute
Bags under my eyes are like suitcases!! Lack of decent sleep is taking its toll
I’m considering going to drs to see what they recommend- not really wanting sleeping pills but maybe a low dose anti depressant might help? I’ve tried herbal stuff but didn’t really change how I feel

Just watching

Jen I had sleeping tablets from the GP back in the summer but only took 1 instead of 2 and only a couple of nights a week and I felt so much better for it. A 2 week course lasted me 2 months but when I went back for more she wouldn't give me any and prescribed a mild antidepressant that helps with anxiety and sleep. I really didn't want to take them as the irony is that all this started with Hs depression and coming off antidepressants suddenly without GP involvement and I swear it's messed his head up. They also had a side effect of huge weight gain which put me off, one of the few positives of this (and I'm being tongue in cheek) is that I've lost so much weight and am so fit from all the exercise I do to help manage my stress and anxiety is that I'm in the best shape I've ever been. Sadly no one to appreciate it and mentally a mess! If I put on loads of weight as well I think that would make me feel far worse.
Might be worth a chat with your GP.
Today I have anger, other days I'm just sad, I just want it to be a dream and I wake up and it's all ok 😢

Thanks for advice - I’ll have a think
I had 4 really horrible days then have got up feeling ok - think it will be like this for a while?
Away this weekend with friends (all girls, 13 of us). Really hoping I enjoy it
I too keep hoping it’s all just a dream (well a nightmare really)
Take care of yourself

Was feeling a bit more positive today til I read jen's post about POF

I can't imagine going back out there and dating after being with the same person for so long and at my age.
But then again I don't want to be on my own forever and how else would you meet someone.
That's a whole other side of depressive ness to add on top of all the other stuff.

Enjoy your weekend Jen sounds like it might be a good tonic for you.
I'm out with some girlfriends at the weekend so looking forward to that, and the obligatory hangover the next day 😂

Fizzyferret - I’d much rather meet someone down the pub like in the “olden days”
26 years since I’ve had to meet someone!!
Saying that I met H in the pub and look how that’s worked out 🙄
Viva - I’m the same - don’t want the hassle of meeting someone but don’t want to be alone either. Early days for us though so see how we go
Enjoy your night out - mine is a 3 nighter which kills me at the best of times!
Don’t suppose any more of us wounded oldies live in NE England?

Been 32 years sincerely I've dated. Haven't got a clue where to start but at moment I will look forward to time on my own and with my fab kids. Enjoy your weekends. I'm tarting up the house to cheer myself up. Mind you I've picked grey paint!!!!!

Jen I'm NE ish, feel free to PM me if you want.
Fizzy sounds good, I need to start doing some sorting if the house but need H to take all his stuff out first, for some reason he seems to be stalling, no idea why. I think I need to give him a deadline and then if not I'll bag it up and dump it on his doorstep!

You can make your future what you want now Viva - refuse to let it be sad and lonely! See friends, lean on people, do stuff you haven’t done before/ we’ll all get there. You’ll come through xxx

Thanks Stumps I'm just struggling, those that know what's going on say I need to do what I want and is best for me and the DC but what I want is my H back and my family back together. I love them both so much.
And I guess it's because it's all I've known for so long that I'm just struggling to see how I might have a happy life on my own as a single parent. I'm not used to time on my own or my own company and I HATE not seeing the DC every day, how the hell do you ever get used to that, I didn't have them to become a part time parent and it makes me do cross that it's been forced on me and I have no say.

This is exactly me! 56 years old, known H since I was 20. We are friends, he began to withdraw from me during 2017, far more spats than usual, didn’t seem to be on an even keel and then H announced in Feb 18 that he thought we should part. Worked hard to have a happy year and did some lovely things together. Last week he decided it was over. Suspect there’s another person involved, but little proof.

Reading your story sounds so familiar. My H says we both deserve better and to be happy as though we’ve been miserable for years! He’s recast so many events to fit his assessment of our situation. It’s made frightening reading that this behaviour is so common among 50 something men.

I went to a solicitor up by law courts that specialised in family law and was fleeced. £855 for absolutely nothing. Solicitor complained about me taking notes on my computer and sent a summary of the conversation that didn't recognise that I owned flat before married husband and we got family home together. When emailed about this, the secretary said they would only respond if I paid for another meeting!

FV Frog thanks for detailed breakdown of fixed fee. Worth mentioning
Went to Citizens Advice free drop in last week and they gave good overview of some do's and don'ts, but there is only so much you can cover in an hour. Would really recommend taking a book and spending a morning waiting to be seen at a drop in session.

Have been married 15 years and CAdvice said this put us in the category of "long marriage" which seems to apply to everyone in this discussion so far. What this means financially is that all assets are split 50/50 irrespective of who paid what. Stuff owned before marriage might remain yours. We have "deed of Trust" on family home which gives me a 75% split when sold as I stumped up hefty deposit by remortgaging flat i lived in and purchased before meeting H. Don't know if this will hold legally?

Have 3 DC (all early teens) am primary carer and he is going to go for 50/50 childcare. Sceptical me thinks this is to ensure doesn't have to pay child maintenance, but as important for kids to have relationship with him am going to go with it for 2 months. So they can work out for themselves that it is unworkable. To tired to argue. Worried that this might put me at some sort of disadvantage down the line as have done 95% childcare up to now. Anyone know if it's a bad idea?

Tried to get him to go to mediation but he refused.

Dear all,

I only got to end of 1st page (in November 2018) before posting, i am new to Mums Net. Apologies for diving in with legal stuff when discussion is about how emotionally unbearable it is for all of us when your life of many decades falls apart like a deck of cards.

It's 7.35 Am. He went out at 10.30 as he does every Saturday and is still not home. Kids will be up in next half hour. I went online to print divorce papers as like many of you unable to sleep and tearful. Decided to post for advice .. hence inappropriate addition. Will now read as many pages of thread as possible before kids get up.

Have just had the worse weekend ever, on my own as DC with dad which is when I get upset as I hate not being with them, hate being in my own and am jealous of their dad spending time with them while I'm at home.
I had things to do, had a night out with friends but I feel like the rest of the time goes so slow and I hate it, just feel so sad and lonely.
I'm struggling with this new way of life, I don't want to be single, I want my H and my family back together 😢

I can hear the pain in every sentence
Surely it must get easier?
I’ve had a fantastic weekend away with friends and dd1
I actually felt normal again - because it wasn’t real life
Driving home yesterday and started getting the anxiety feelings again
Sobbed my heart out when I got back
I have a doctors appt this morning because I think I need a bit of help
And if I see/hear one more thing to do with Valentine’s Day ............

What else I find so difficult is how unexpected this all was
There are people on this thread that are saying “it’s been bad for years/always arguing and fighting/doing nothing together......
Mine wasn’t like that. We did loads together and as a family
Viva - your marriage sounds the same? It’s like they’ve been abducted by aliens and an imposter dropped in their place

Jen I couldn't agree with you more, I have even used the phrase that he's been abducted by aliens too to describe how it feels. And I have said to him people seem to limp along not being happy for years yet we had one tough year (his mental health and DM illness) and he's off, no talking, no trying to work through it just like that. It's like the other 19 years we're all a lie, yet there were no signs he was unhappy, we still did stuff as a couple, as a family , we still made plans. I think someone might have noticed if he was that unhappy yet it's as much of a shock to me as to close family some of whom we have socialised and holidayed with a lot over the last few years and they can't believe it either. Yet he is still adamant he wasn't happy BUT the time period differs every time we talk: a couple of months, a year, 4 years and the things he was unhappy about are just real life and could easily have been improved on of changed if he had talked to me about it or tried to save our marriage yet he has just walked.
I don't understand it and at the moment can't accept it. You have my sympathy it's like a living hell.

How are you Jen? How did you get on at the doctors?