Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Thank you so much for that @Knittedfrog. I’ll look forward to hearing more from you when you have time 😊

How is everyone doing?

Starting to feel better. About to start divorce proceedings and get an actuarial report on both of our pensions. DD2 went for a walk and came across stbexh and latest OW which was a bit of a shock for her. He didn't see her.

Hi All,
Things have moved on for me since my last post. Re Mortgage has now completed and XH has his money.
I still feel angry at times, not so much at the individual incidents that brought us to where we are, but more that he is the one who has put me in the situation I am now in. 54 years old and on my own with a mortgage!!
I'm still really angry with his family for not contacting and am frustrated as I have so so much I want to say to them and can't.
I am adjusting to life in the house by myself and for the best part am enjoying it.
I'm looking forward to a time when this all feels 'normal'. You know, like when you start a new job having left a familiar old one. It takes a while before the new environment feels, well.... like home. No doubt that will come with time.
How's everyone else doing. Stay positive.

Hi to all. Wishing good times in 2019.
I’m being a bit tardy on following up my plans to Issue letter to start proceedings.
It’s just been quite peaceful without any interaction of any kind and I guess I am loathe to start what will inevitably turn into a massive saga.

I feel I am in the lull before the storm. I know clearly what I have to instigate but want to be feeling really strong to then be able to follow through.
Also slightly worried about pandering to the solicitor and the huge fees that their interaction will Involve.
Stay strong ladies.

VivaVegas In almost exactly the same position.Terrified of the future financially.
Not much equity in house and been a SAHM on and off for years.
Going to counselling this week.But don't see the point.The only reason it had all come about is that he was caught. And
the lies, deceit and scope of his double life is astonishing.
Would have been married 30 years in 2019.Grown up kids , but 22 year old DD is far from settled.
Not glad that there are so many of us out there, but do take comfort in being able to see that you CAN get through it eventually.

Hamilton12 same here. Literally existing in the same house. Minimal interaction, no intimacy, but can’t bring myself to take the first step onto that rollercoaster by initiating separation/divorce. Especially as we’d be stuck in the house together with DDs as neither can afford to leave. This soulless existence seems preferable bizarrely because the alternative is so frightening, expensive & unknown.

I just read this whole thread last night and registered so I could post on it
I’m 52, 3 kids (20,16,16). Married 22 years. Seperated since August- not my decision and it’s killing me - brave face on for the kids. A year earlier he confessed to seeing a 23 year old he worked with (no sex allegedly). Only admitted it after oldest daughter saw texts. Worked through it for a year- decided he wasn’t happy and wanted to move out to “clear his head”. Told kids and it kicked off big time when son (16) said he’d also seen original texts with girl and he’d seen him still messaging her. So kicked him out that night. To cut a very long story a bit shorter he’s seeing a counsellor and we’re seeing her together on Tuesday- but I think it’s over
VivaVegas - I could have written all of your posts - especially the feeling of wanting to sleep Christmas away

Jen sounds like we are in a similar position, I have given H an ultimatum that he needs to decide if he is in or out of our marriage by the end of the month. He's been messing me around for months and enough is enough. He still denies OW as does she (I sent her a private message telling her what I thought was going on and sharing my opinion of her - made me feel better if nothing else!).
His family have tried to talk to him again and tell him he's making the biggest mistake of his life but to no avail it would seem.
He wants me to be his friend ffs I have plenty of friends I want to be his wife, I want our family to still exist.
I'm still going through the various emotions anger/sadness/questioning everything.
But I've done everything I can now to try and salvage this and he's done nothing.
Exercise, wine, good friends and shopping are keeping me sane when I just want to scream and 😢

It’s just all so shit at the minute isn’t it? I’m lucky to have my family close by and amazing friends - but they are as shocked as me. Had friends around last night (pre Butlins music weekend planning meeting calling for much prosecco) and one said us splitting up was “shock of the year”
I actually ended up speaking to the young bints boyfriend when it all kicked off as I commented on one of his Instagram photos of her (not complimentary). He was so lovely
But the emotional affair isn’t our issue - it’s what made him do it - totally out of character. I think text book mid life crisis - I saw the counsellor on my own last week (who’s been seeing him too) and she mentioned MLC and said “without buying a motorbike” but I said “no but he has the fast car”. She also said “ I don’t recommend you doing this but maybe the only thing that will make him realise his loss is when you start seeing someone else”

I think it’s when you start opening up to close friends & family & they say things like you changed when you got with him or they are shocked when you read them texts & it’s so at odds with his ‘public’ persona. You realise you’re not making this into more of a big deal than it is - yh I’m still doubting myself & doing that. Last big purchase my H made w/o any consultation was a sports car that literally only fits him & 1 other. We have 2 kids. Mid life crisis much??!

Agreed its definitely a MLC here, he has pretty much worked his way through the script.
Not many people know about us as I had hoped we could sort it but those that do are so shocked as will others be when it's out there.
He has changed so much was such a happy, lovely, sociable person who I trusted 100%.
He now rarely laughs or smiles, is generally miserable, self absorbed and like a stranger. Although physically has let himself go, not exercising like he used to, has put on weight and is quite scruffy so in that respect the opposite of someone if they had an OW or was in MLC.
None of it makes sense, sadly it's my life at the moment though!

@VivaVegas

Hi - interesting. Have had same conversation about him “hoping we can remain good friends”. One amicable conversation a few weeks ago ended with me being civil and thanking him for his advice on a financial matter and him saying “it was fine and he was happy to help as any good friend would “.... ! Same as you. Don’t see any space for him as a friend. Especially as we will start a divorce (when am I able to take that step) and can’t imagine bing friends throughout that process.
Also same as he has become very sad, miserable, self absorbed and ... old. Joyless and lacking in any spontaneity and fun.
It makes me so sad as I see he was such a better person when we were happy together. I feel I made him a better version of himself and yet he saw it that I put him last and put kids first. Interesting as I type this I can’t remember what else he is highly critical of me for doing/not doing ?? Wonder why that is. Wonder what it was I did wrong in his eyes was I can’t recall much ! He says he will be happier without me and kids / they seem fine barely seeing him and totally support us being apart so I need to get on with this ....
stay strong ladies. We are worth more than being with someone who thinks they don’t want us.

H in process of buying help to buy new 4 bed for himself. Wants me to hurry and remortgage so he can reserve it. He's all giddy and excited wanting to share with me how great it all is. He'll have 2000 a month left after bills as he has company expensed merc. I'm staying with DC in home hopefully with 150 a month left after bills, working ft and house falling to bits. Having to stay cheerful in front of DC as they unaware of anything going on. He wants to tell them when everything is in place for him. He wants to come for tea couple times a week and wants to pay me 50 a month to do his ironing.... I want to tell him to get lost but owe it to DC to be as friendly as possible. He's cheerful and chatty and still coming shopping and for walks/cinema with me. Should I be grateful really.. I just feel so resentful

Hi I've just come across this post and it's comforting to know I'm not on my own. Really confused and don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Soon to be 50, married 20 yrs although together 30, 2 Sons (18+20). Basically caught H 12 months ago with a mutual friend in a passionate embrace/snog in our home after we had a party. After a week or so of not speaking we agreed to try and make it work. Cut a long story short in May and again 2 weeks ago caught him on phone talking to her and what he'd like to do to her etc. His excuse is always because he's drunk although he knows this doesn't excuse him. I'm quite sure that's all there has been. But other things not right in marriage, he agreed to give counselling a go in May but then changed his mind. I really don't want sex with him anymore. He can blow up at the slightest thing, so have to think before you speak in case he loses temper (this has been a constant through our marriage but when kids little I just sort of ignored it and got on with it).

I've now said enough is enough and we just aren't making each other happy and that we should separate. He really doesn't want to but is being amicable atm. Financially, I wouldn't be able to keep the marital home but I could buy something smaller but our boys would probably stay with him in marital home. They are fine with it as they have seen last year how we were not getting on although they don't know about her.

But I keep worrying about being on my own and being lonely and would I regret it, would I ever be happy. I know it's my decision but so wish someone could just tell me what to do!

I’ve done it ... first stage. Sent him a letter today to say that I want to start divorce proceedings. Letter prepared in October (!) and handwritten carefully this morning but literally couldn’t put it in the post box until 4:50 (post box emptied at 5pm). Totally numb. Awaiting a response and have no idea what the reaction will be. Whether he will be happy that I have taken the big bad step and saved him from having to ( so can tell kids that their mother asked for divorce) or if he will be angry and it will start a meltdown. Feel worried for him at the horrible shock when he receives letter in morning and stupidly worry that it will be hurtful to him.
But it’s done. So if I can do this. You all can too!
It is not better to be with someone due to being scared of being alone. The advice we give others we have to learn for ourselves.

Morning all, how is everyone doing ? My no fault divorce application was sent to the court last Friday. Husband received his letter from my solicitor this week and seemed surprised that a) I am actually divorcing him and b) that it is happening so quickly
We are seeing a counsellor tomorrow but I think he is finally realising that things are changing. The session tomorrow is about forging a new relationship to facilitate how continue raising the kids not about going over the same old stuff. Day to day we are much the same as he had detached and withdrawn to such an extent we were pretty much living separate lives. Is slightly more grumpy / mono syllabic but I do feel an enormous sense of relief that this is now a phase to get through rather than the dreary thought that this is how I have to live the rest if my life if that makes sense. A few observations, he shows no jnterest in stating married out of love for me or me for him but is "So worried" about the children and how I "won't have enough time " for them as "he does all the essentials" So he is trying to undermine me in an attempt to stop me leaving him.

Feeling devastated, H has confirmed he wants to separate and should have told me months ago instead of stringing me along.
He wants to be my friend, I want to be his wife not his friend ffs.
Devastated even though I knew it would end like this.
We drifted, he says he was unhappy for years but never mentioned it and when I look back at events I can't see that he was, maybe for 6 months tops but then reinventing history seems to be part of the midlife script doesn't it.
I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, how will I ever be happy again, I hate what he has done. If he was unhappy why didn't he say, why didn't he give us a chance, why just bury your head in the sand until it was too late on his part.
Utterly devastated 😢

@VivaVegas
Oh no. So sorry. How horrible for you. But this is not a shock really so you now need to look after yourself really well and take time to process this final decision. We are worth so much more than being partly loved. Surely it is better that you do not stay together if that is how he wants things to be. We should all be the most important things to these men and they should woo us and want to do everything to stay with us. If not - then better off without them. This is what I tell you because this is what I believe is good advice. It doesn’t mean I want to hear it or want it for myself but it seems reality. It’s a grieving process now for us all really and that is immensely hard.
Be strong and know you are worth so much more than you currently receive.

I know it would be no good if He doesn't want to be with me but it's the fact he didn't tell me he was so unhappy and then when it came out after I asked him that he has then done nothing to try and change things for the better as he says he let it go too far.
I just see all my hopes and dreams dashed, the future we had talked about just last year gone and I have no choice in it.
I just feel so empty and with no hope in a sad and lonely future.
Not how I saw myself at his age, and he is the only man I've ever loved.

Like I said before our stories are exactly the same. My H “been unhappy for years” BULLSHIT!!!!! That’s just an excuse for whatever is going on in his head after it was turned 18 months ago by a girl 3 years older than our daughter!!!!
What’s just been said is right - WE DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!
I’ll always regret what has happened but it’s not been my choice
I believe my H will live to regret it and he’s got no one to blame but himself
We will get through this because we have to
I know exactly how you feel - grieving for a lost future
Xxx

It's horrible Jen isn't it, I just feel so lost and lonely, he was my best friend.
I too think my H will regret it but by then the damage will have been done to me, our DC and our marriage and family will have been destroyed.

Exactly how I feel and nothing we can do about it sadly

Can I join in? I'm 33 and have been with my husband for 13 years. We have 3 children, ds11 dd7 and dd6. He is in the army and went to the Falklands for 6 months last year. He got back the beginning of December and we went on a family hiday to Disneyland. I found out by accident that he had been having an affair with a colleague over there, a 21 year old girl who was apparently sleeping with 2 other married men there. She is now back in the UK and as luck would have it is quite local. We reconciled over Xmas for 5 days but then I asked him to go to his room in the block on camp. Since then he has been seeing the ow and I've started divorce proceedings. He is treating me terribly and anyone would think I was the one who had the affair the amount of anger he shows towards me. I feel like my world has ended and the only thing that keeps me going are the children. Just as I feel I'm getting a little stronger something else seems to surface to drag me right back down again.

Sorry to hear your situation, I can relate to how you feel as I feel the same, devastated by what has happened.
I don't know the answer, I have been told to take each day at a time but other than that struggle to see anything positive about the future at the moment.
Hopefully someone who has moved on a little can offer something more positive!