Children survive divorce - - my fucking arse they do!

[greenberet]

My struggles are well documented on here and by default my kids - I am blubbing right now -the damage this has done to all of us goes far beyond what I can put into words.

My Ds has always been "challenging" I put this in commas as it's not really him that's challenging it's how we as adults deal with the behaviour - when kids don't "conform" to our expectations we say there must be something wrong with them - we put them on drugs to curb their behaviour one minute and then when they put themselves on drugs in late life we still question this! WTF are we doing to them!

My Ds has so many unexplored emotions going through him - yet he is trying to do his best - his best at home to help me - his best at school to achieve something of himself - his best that his father and myself too some extent have been too preoccupied or absent to see.

I struggle with MH - I have not been able to perform at my best for the last 4 years - dealing with an extremely acrimonious divorce - trying to maintain myself and the home as I was - trying to maintain my kids as they were and deserve.

My Ds tells me to keep out his room - he knows I get angry at the state of it - I have kept a wide berth because I have had too much pressure to deal with and have been choosing my battles.

I go in there this morning not to get angry but to help him _ his furniture is falling apart - he has stuff all over the place- it has not been dusted for god knows how long - clothes in piles on the floor - shoved under the bed. I find a plié of boxes - in these boxes are all the birthday presents I have bought him over the years - for the last 5 years or so I have got him something and it has been engraved - they are all there - it has made me blub-

he is going to school with holes in his shoes - he says he doesn't care -he is in a world where image matters - he spends ages on his hair etc - I can't remember the last time he asked me for something - I think he is down to one pair of jeans - we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors - he helps me cut the grass which I can see is at the expense of his own care for himself - he works one day at the weekend in a less than minimum wage job to get some money and the school is moaning at him that he is not doing the best of his ability -they have asked me what is he doing with his time at home ?

I can tell you what he is doing he is trying to survive - he is trying to survive in an environment( private school) that his DF wanted him to go to - why ? For his own ego? - he is trying to keep up with his peers emotionally and financially - after his DF bailed out due to his own inadequacies in himself!

I have seen displays around town for end of term "thank you teachers" I have lived with my school reports all my life "green beret could do better if she tried harder" no one knows what goes on at home - behind closed doors - we provide an image to the outside world that is acceptable - we are all doing fine!

I could post pictures on here that shows the real truth - no we are not doing fine - we are dragging ourselves along by our fingernails and hoping to Christ we will make it!

All people in so called positions of responsibility fuck us up - teachers parents and also in my case legal profession- why do we have to fucking thank them - kids are trying to teach us something - when are we going to wake up - I think I have just woken up today!

Have you considered putting him into boarding? You may all be better able to meet your needs that way.

Umm - it's not divorce that is causing your son's issues!

It is: his father and how he treats him (a bit like part of his image than an individual human - hence private school).
How old is your son? Is he getting help with his mental health?

Why are you buying him expensive presents he doesn't need/want (and getting them engraved) if you can't afford new shoes?

You need to get help for yourself, and not burden your son with your worries.

This confuses me we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors If you are not poor then why bother him with money worries? And why let him have a part time job if that is damaging his education?
Let him be a teenager, take some of the pressure off of him, life as a teenager is hard enough nowadays.

It’s not divorce that damages children it’s living in a toxic environment where parents hate each other ( whether still together or not)
You need to do all you can to minimise and negative effects your divorce has had on your DS, for example he doesn’t need to hear your money worries

It isn't divorce but the conflict post divorce and how the parents react to it.

Dc will do well if they know they are loved and cared for.I often think the teen years need their foundation pre teen, where the relationship with parents is solid and there is dialogue and discussion.

If you are strong for him he will be fine and cutting the grass once on a while should be fine.

Is he upper or lower 6th?

greenberet - It sounds to me like YOU are falling apart. You are projecting your struggles onto your son and that prevents you from facing your own pain. I think YOU should seek help first and then you can deal with his struggles from a position of strength.
you seem to love your son deeply but don't let this prevent you from looking after yourself.
Life really sucks sometimes, it hurts us and nobody will help, nobody will see our struggles. Sometimes it is up to us to reach out for help. When it goes down to basic survival we have to do whatever it takes, to crawl out of the pit. Having seen some of your other posts, you need to pull yourself together and start living outside your X's influence. Fight back. Your son is not that young he'll be fine for a while. Get help, fight back, move on!

Your son goes to school with holes in his socks. Lives in squalor. And you just... let him?

Divorce isn't the reason for your problems

I’m a bit confused by this... surely you noticed he had holes in his shoes and clothes? Why didn’t you just get him some new ones? You say you’re ‘not poor’ but that he’s heard you talking a lot about money worries... maybe it would be better to shelter him from those discussions and make sure he isn’t going to school in unsuitable shoes?

Yes I agree totally it's how the parents get on post divorce - but I am the crazy bitter ex wife - and when I try and communicate with the x for the sake of the kids over schooling and living arrangements I get threatened with being reported to solicitors for harrassment.

I didn't say we couldn't afford new shoes - and yes I hadn't noticed - he's lower 6th - the presents have not been expensive - boarding isn't an option - and yes he does need to hear money worries when the impact could be significant to him. In fact what he needs to learn is that you can have a conversation about money without it being seen as taboo - something the x avoided - and still does!

Money worries/ issues whatever you want to call it are a fact of life - maybe something kids should grow up with a better understanding - not be shielded from them -much better for them to see issues being discussed and solutions found than to think we all live in a hunky dory world and then not know how to deal with these things when they get to adults

I have been at breaking point - I get help - he has refused all help - I'm just really emptying my head on here!

I’m all for children understanding family finances to an extent, but if he’s not asking for new shoes when he needs them because he’s too worried about money, something needs to change doesn’t it?

@soydora you’re right

I don't really understand why him helping cut the grass would be at the Spence of taking care of himself.
If you are not poor surely you could go out and buy him some clothes/shoes withought him asking for it. Generally at that age children don't want engraved presents, they would rather have trainers or something they can use. Yes children should be aware and able to talk about money but I really don't think it should become their worry.

My kids are 17 - the shoes are not really the issue here - it's a much deeper context that maybe some of you do not get.

Christ, you’re so one track and bitter. It’s not divorce screwing your DS up, it’s you.

You can’t pick and choose which parts of your post that people comment on. The shoes are relevant. It isn’t the divorce that is messing your son up, it’s the way the people around him are dealing with it.

He sounds like he doesn't have an awful lot of self confidence or sense of self worth and esteem. That might be partly to do with the divorce, it might be partly to do with the home environment now, none of us can say. It's fairly common for year 12 boys to go through a kind of grotty stage like this. But it doesn't sound like you're coping right now, and if that's true then I hope you get the help you need and you and your son feel better soon 💕

You’re still stuck where you’ve been for years now. Yet another post displaying your bitterness yet this time teachers get your wrath as well as your ex, his wife, your solicitors, family court and usually also your children.

They’re honestly both doing the best they fucking can and a few months ago you were so resentful of them you were threatening to kick them out and send them to their dad’s who you hate and say is a terrible father and person.

I feel for you, I honestly do, you’re wallowing hard in being a victim and a martyr and how the world has done you wrong. It must be utterly exhausting to feel so hard done by by the world. I really really feel for your children. They’ve been dealt a really shitty hand and I hope they’re able to piece together enough to mentally survive the remainder of their childhoods and escape to brighter futures.

You need to give your son space, try to sometimes put him first, bite back your bitterness and hatred and focus on what he needs whether that’s a private bedroom as did sanctuary, time to study without having to work, a house and garden he’s not responsible for maintaining. He’s only going to have this year once, be the adult and take the pressure off him, let him be 17 and build this foundation for his adult life. Do the same for your daughter, she’s in the same crappy boat and it sounds like they’re doing their best against the odds.

Divorce isn’t what’s ruined their lives. The toxic mess their parents have created has done that though hopefully they are surviving still and will continue to do so. My parents divorced when I was a child. They didn’t love each other and we’re better people and better parents apart. They didn’t slag each other off. They sucked up the shit bits and did everything they could to protect us. They were respectful of each other even when things must have been incredibly hard. We thrived. The dark cloud of their unhappiness together lifted almost immediately and these days we all holiday together. It’s possible to have a happy life after even a horrible divorce but choosing to hold on to your rage, sense of injustice, bitterness, pain and obsession aren’t going to get you there. There is time for you to escape from this pit of crap but you’re the only one who can make it happen.

My teen doesn't really notice when he needs new clothes. I have to prompt him and we either buy them online together or I send him off to the local shopping centre with £50-£100. He's not bothered otherwise.

Most teens don't dust their rooms and have piles of clothes everywhere.
Many teens have weekend jobs and keep their grades up.
Many teens help out at home/cut the grass etc.
Many teens need to be reminded to buy new shoes/jeans etc.

You need to take control. Create a decent atmosphere at home and prioritise him studying in a supportive calm environment. Don't bother talking to his dad about this - just do your bit. Buy him some jeans and shoes. insist he washes and keeps his clothes clean. Tell him what the rest of us do - that money doesn't grow on trees and you need to budget carefully but for god's sake don't tell him that you can't afford a pair of shoes when you can and don't make him responsible for your feelings about being screwed financially in a divorce - that is your life, not his.

Not sure what the pile of presents has to do with anything - did you think he would have sold them? I think you need to stop viewing and rearing your son through the prism of your own pain and focus on him instead.

@SoyDora -the shoes are not relevant they are just an example of how our lives currently are - before all this I was on top of everything including my depression. But I totally agree it's about how people around him are dealing with it. I can't help having depression it's not something you can chose not to have and so yes I have been effected by this - I have tried to manage this as best I can with help .

Argumentative feminist - thank you

@AnneLovesGilbert - I don't know who you are but you seem to know me pretty well don't you?

How do you know I'm still stuck where I have been for years - I post on here in an off moment -and you seem to think this is my whole life!

My kids are fucking amazing - I know that but i don't need to come on here to post that - please understand my situation and do not summarise it with your perception. Sometimes I feel I cannot go on I post on here - but time and time again I pick myself up and go a bit further - one day I hope to be able to post just how far.

You are lucky your parents get on - what's the reason for your lack of empathy then? It takes two to make an amicable divorce. There's no chance of that when one person is out to destroy the other and is NOT respectful of the other - and this is the X - not me!

In my mind if your parents are able to get on why could they not stick together to sort out their issues - they obviously like each other to still spend time together -

Thank you Christmas and pallisers -I doubt he is overly bothered - he has two weeks to go til end of term - shoes will be in him and he will have new ones for next year. Sadly the implications of me being screwed have effected him and his life?

For a long time I thought my Ds was lost and did not care - the pile of presents tells me he cares - they could have been anywhere in his room but they are altogether - he cares far more than he lets on - people who claim to not care are lacking in love for themselves - Which can destroy anything good if it has the chance -

My kids have always been my focus - always will be !

In the nicest possible way you need to take control. You sound downtrodden and negative and THAT'S going to be a large part of what's affecting your kids.

Remember, you can't control someone else's behaviour (ex's) but you can your own.

This was sad and hard to read

It sounds lime there is a long and complex history here during some really important formative years

I hope there are other family members (uncles/aunts) who can support your DCs

You can’t help being depressed but you are taking it out on your son and making his life hard. I get on with my ex although financially he is a basket case and I got nothing at all out of the divorce. I am always sure to get on well in front of my dcs I make an effort for them. It generally takes two people to be antagonistic like that. My mother was like you, she needed to use us to get at my father. It’s horrible to deal with as a child.

Please stop burdening your son to get back at your ex husband. He doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of your finances. Be a parent.

just for the record i am not taking my depression out on my ds - nor am i making his life hard - it was not me who told him that school fees were no longer affordable even though this is a complete lie and would risk his DS MH rather than make compromises to his own lifestyle.

those of you who get on with your X's bully for you - I have been told time and time again by my counsellor to cease contact with my X as he is abusive but we have a joint responsibility to our kids and for this reason only i will communicate with him until they reach 18 about school, about living arrangements and anything else i feel he should know about.

the fact that he choses to ignore my communication is up to him. he causes far more hassle by getting the kids to relay messages to me which quite often they forget to do - hes the one that chops and changes contact to suit himself yet when we were going through the divorce process would threaten court everytime i asked to make a change - note the use of "ask" and not "dictate"

@zsazsajuju - you dont know me you have no idea if i am like your mother - a very assumptive and negative statement to make of someone you do not know - why does my ds not need to know about finances? do i just spring things on him without any prior warning - how old are your kids - far younger i would assume!

Stop the blame game. It's so petulant and immature. There's bitterness oozing from every post. Your son will be picking up on that.