Children survive divorce - - my fucking arse they do!

[greenberet]

My struggles are well documented on here and by default my kids - I am blubbing right now -the damage this has done to all of us goes far beyond what I can put into words.

My Ds has always been "challenging" I put this in commas as it's not really him that's challenging it's how we as adults deal with the behaviour - when kids don't "conform" to our expectations we say there must be something wrong with them - we put them on drugs to curb their behaviour one minute and then when they put themselves on drugs in late life we still question this! WTF are we doing to them!

My Ds has so many unexplored emotions going through him - yet he is trying to do his best - his best at home to help me - his best at school to achieve something of himself - his best that his father and myself too some extent have been too preoccupied or absent to see.

I struggle with MH - I have not been able to perform at my best for the last 4 years - dealing with an extremely acrimonious divorce - trying to maintain myself and the home as I was - trying to maintain my kids as they were and deserve.

My Ds tells me to keep out his room - he knows I get angry at the state of it - I have kept a wide berth because I have had too much pressure to deal with and have been choosing my battles.

I go in there this morning not to get angry but to help him _ his furniture is falling apart - he has stuff all over the place- it has not been dusted for god knows how long - clothes in piles on the floor - shoved under the bed. I find a plié of boxes - in these boxes are all the birthday presents I have bought him over the years - for the last 5 years or so I have got him something and it has been engraved - they are all there - it has made me blub-

he is going to school with holes in his shoes - he says he doesn't care -he is in a world where image matters - he spends ages on his hair etc - I can't remember the last time he asked me for something - I think he is down to one pair of jeans - we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors - he helps me cut the grass which I can see is at the expense of his own care for himself - he works one day at the weekend in a less than minimum wage job to get some money and the school is moaning at him that he is not doing the best of his ability -they have asked me what is he doing with his time at home ?

I can tell you what he is doing he is trying to survive - he is trying to survive in an environment( private school) that his DF wanted him to go to - why ? For his own ego? - he is trying to keep up with his peers emotionally and financially - after his DF bailed out due to his own inadequacies in himself!

I have seen displays around town for end of term "thank you teachers" I have lived with my school reports all my life "green beret could do better if she tried harder" no one knows what goes on at home - behind closed doors - we provide an image to the outside world that is acceptable - we are all doing fine!

I could post pictures on here that shows the real truth - no we are not doing fine - we are dragging ourselves along by our fingernails and hoping to Christ we will make it!

All people in so called positions of responsibility fuck us up - teachers parents and also in my case legal profession- why do we have to fucking thank them - kids are trying to teach us something - when are we going to wake up - I think I have just woken up today!

The parents that stay together - have they worked on the issues that were the reason for a possible split individually or together - or do they wait until the kids that are older - you just need to read on here to get a perspective of these children who are now adults and how if affected them - I doubt you will - damaged parents are hardly going to put their kids in therapy unless they are prepared to take the responsibility.

My boy only has one pair of trousers - I don't think so

Shielding them from financial worries? Actually it's making them aware of reality - shielding them from the truth does no one no good in the long run

Some of you really contradict yourselves on here - they are 17 they are both working - the sooner they learn about financial responsibility the better!b

Green beret

Does it matter if they worked on their issues

Does it matter about therapy

What matters is you need to move on emotionally or you are going to be screwed for the next few years and spend them in the same way as you did the last few years

You said you aren’t poor so can you give your son cash for trousers

It’s hard at private school when everyone has the latest designs etc

Green beret

That’s what you said way back on the thread - one pair that fit him or something?

If your kids knowing everything that goes on in your life causes them emotional trauma then I don’t think that’s ok?

You are a parent and the job is about producing kids who can go out into the world and be the best they can be.......

They don’t need to be caught up in divorce issues

They need you to be at your best so that they don’t need to worry

You don’t need to give them messages to give their father

You can tell children the truth about your marriage when they are adults? Then they can cope better with it?

When they are young it isn’t necessary

Sorry would love to comment but RL beckons - have a good day all

Here's a little tune for you to be getting on with

op

I was trying to be helpful. Try letting go of your anger.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest

Think about it

Melliegrantfirstlady - excellent post. Although I doubt you read it OP. You are simply on a one woman rant where the whole world is wrong and she is right.

Seriously OP, you need to find a fucking grip and grab it with both hands. You are a 53 yr old grown adult . If your sons furniture is falling apart, he has holes in his shoes... you are unable to pay school fees yet you don't work !! Why is it your ex's sole responsibility to provide ??

This stands out from your OP

I have not been able to perform at my best for the last 4 years - dealing with an extremely acrimonious divorce - trying to maintain myself and the home as I was - trying to maintain my kids as they were and deserve.

Why can't you see that this is an impossible task if you aren't willing to make any financial contribution to that 'standard of maintenance '. You cannot do this . Your life has changed. Your income has changed. You need to change your life and adapt to your new circumstances.

My DH Ex is very like you. She even emailed me and demanded I make up the shortfall on her Cm payments because my DH has decided to give up his high paying /high stress job on medical advice. The entitlement she feels because her husband left HER not the children is breathtaking. With the belief that a 'certain standard of living is her eternal right due to giving birth to his children. The constant contact, emails, fighting, ridiculous behaviour. - why have I told you this ?

It's a cautionary tale. The oldest two moved in with us as soon as they were of an age to make a choice.

Stop it OP. Get some self worth. Buy your child some clothes, shoes, furniture. As you 'are not poor' .Instead of letting him get into a state where you 'can't remember the last time he asked me for something - I think he is down to one pair of jeans - we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors
This is appalling. Nothing more than emotional guilt tripping. For what reason ? So he can go to his dads with holes in his shoes ? So dad can 'feel guilty' ? What on earth else could be the reason ? Why does your son have holes in his shoes ? I realise it's not the main issue here - but it's mighty symptomatic of your general stance . There is no reason for children to have holes in their shoes if you - no one but YOU have the means to buy new ones. !

OP, my ex-H was (and maybe still is, I don't know, I try to pay as little attention to his life as possible) a functioning alcoholic. He still has the same income and much better standard of living than he did when we were together and he was a father. He opted out of being a father when we spli, so no longer has to to support two kids on his income. He put his business and properties in h is sister's name so they weren't counted when it came to maintenance and I'd already signed something before I moved in with him to say I wasn't entitled to any part of the main property as it was his and paid for before we met.

He goes on more holidays than ever, has designer clothes, he sold the car when he lost his driving license. He told his friends and family he lost his license due to medical issues. I was told the same, I don't believe him.

It's not fair. It's not fair he goes abroad twice a year and on weekends away every other month when I can't afford a trip to the beach. It's not fair he has designer clothes when my trainers cost £9 and they're the only ones I have. I'll wear them until they drop to pieces. It's not fair that he sends me abusive messages if he notices DD2's trainers have a tiny hole in the toe demanding I immediately buy new ones when he could afford to buy her ten pairs without thinking. Its not even fair that when he posts a pic of DD2 on Facebook he gets 20-30 comments telling him what a great father is and when I do it no-one comments because I'm her mother and parenting her is what I'm supposed to do. None of it is fair but sulking about will change nothing and cause nothing but heartache and misery.

I stopped sulking about it and went back to college instead. The abuse from him ramped up a bit, that wasn't fair either. He can't ask me to care for and pay for the children 100% on my own but also not take steps to maximize our income and living standards.

I ignore it all. I've deleted him from Facebook, I block his calls and messages when I gets nasty and concentrate on my own life and what I can control.

I speak to him, see him and think about him as little as possible and have accepted the kids are my responsibility, financially and emotionally. The tiny bits he gives them is just dressing on the side. Anything else would drive me crazy. And I refuse to let him win. I can and will do better on my own.

OP you need to let go and move on for the sake of your sanity. Your ex won't give you money, he won't provide for your children, it's shit but it's the way it is so you have to do it, you have to earn your own money and pay for the children yourself. Buy your son shoes, let him mow the lawn, I wish my kids would mow the lawn but I have a massive petrol mower. DD1 claims to be frightened of it and I do I fuck trust DD2 anywhere near petrol and sharp blades. Get a job, go to college, focus on yourself and what you can change.

**Frequency

What a lovely inspiring post. Well done you x

Green beret , you are definitely depressed and the stress you're in is not helping you . You are dwelling on situations and things that can't be changed . The best advice I can give you is try not to dwell on the bad situation you're in ATM

By the way my eldest children's dad has mental health issues and they haven't seen him more than 5 times in their life and our oldest is 11. My youngest child's dad is dead , he chose to die just before our youngest was born . I also get angry because like you I have no support , I understand how you are feeling .

Some of you either need to read my other threads or not comment.

What f@@ks me off is when suggestions are made that I am already doing or when advice is given based on an incorrect assumption of my situation - all of which has been explained!

Crabby - I couldn't give a shit about the contrasting lifestyle if it had been achieved through honesty and post divorce- what pisses me off is the x lied and manipulated - I told my sols what he would do and they didn't act on it - as a result my settlement was not what it should have been or could have been I fully they hadn't fed me a load of bullshit! Your understanding of my situation is wrong and my depression hinders more than just being resolved by getting a job!

Mellie - another one cannot recall facts of my case - one pair of jeans - nothing to do with his school trousers!

I know they need me to be at my best so they don't worry - I fucking know this - this is why I have had several rounds of counselling for my depression - I'm not stupid I know when I'm struggling and I would not be struggling if the X wasn't such a cunt and my sols were not greedy fuckers with no shit about the clients they screw over.

I won't let you in on how much my legal bill was because most of you will be astounded but maybe if I did you might get a bit more where I'm coming from

My kids are 17- they are classed as adults from 18 when all financial support stops - I think they are old enough to face the truth - harsh though it is - but as you lot keep telling me life is not fair and so they too have to adjust. The solicitors were supposed to protect me and them from all this - this is what I paid them for !

You may be trying to help me - i appreciate it but I will not get over my anger from solicitors until I have exhausted every possible way of trying to put this right

No one has to read your other threads. You cannot order people on the internet what to do.

But it would go a long way to help you start feeling a degree of self worth. What are your alternatives? Sue the entire legal team. It is what it is. Time to adapt.

As for their DF I had a moment last week where I learnt that He had just bought OW a new car - BMW no less - funny how quick the company recovered - and banged another nail in his own coffin!

When I had to face making a decision that could possibly drop him in it or choose my integrity - I chose my integrity - karma will take care of the rest!

So what?

So the woman your ex is with has a shiny new car that you would like. She also has to live with and sleep with your ex. How much do you really want that car? Disconnect from all that, who cares what they have and don't have.

Your financial settlement is over and done. You have to live with it. Stop railing against the entire British Justice system, it serves no purpose other than to wind you up and make you even more bitter.

Make peace with yourself.

Font - one woman rant where the whole world is wrong- massive over exaggeration here!

Err I pay my Ds school fees - you need to fucking read!

I can't even be bothered to answer the rest you need to get over yourself! My kids are old enough to make the choice have been for a number of years and despite my depression and despite being the ex wife from hell and not being a mother they are still here!

I think it's you that needs to get a grip - you have made a whole story up that is not about me in the slightest all because you are unable to read what I have said and are unable to interpret it without using your own personal situation which is Nothing like mine!

Hi OP, I've read this thread but not any of your others. I'm genuinely sorry that you feel this way but what strikes me most is the energy levels that it must take up - no wonder you are depressed - I honestly feel quite exhausted reading it! (That's not unsympathetic either).

I do agree that life isn't always fair, and that we have to adapt continually to our changing circumstances. Life is rarely straight line and our path meanders. It's up to us to adjust our expectations as much as we possibly can.

My ex left when I was pregnant (planned) after eight (I thought) happy years together. He's never paid a penny towards DD and is now married, lives in the US with their two children and I apparently in a six figure salary (I've always kept in contact with his mother for DD's sake). I could only take six weeks maternity leave, plus holiday to make it two months, and after that DD was in nursery 10 hours a day, 48 weeks a year. It didn't make me overjoyed but there wasn't really an alternative.

I think it was Frequency who said that she felt bitter and angry for the first year and I can relate to that. Then you just think, either I let this take over and consume me, and almost become part of me, or I put it and the memories and the evil swine aside and have gratitude for all the good bits. In my case, DD is nearly 21 and we have a lovely relationship, she has one home, Christmas and holidays all sorted etc. There's no one right way of doing anything but resentment kills you, while not affecting the person you resent.

I really hope, for your sake, that you will come to terms with this.

Frequency as I have said many times before this is half my story - I'm glad you are happy with your situation!

Lola - thank you - that's all I need someone who understands that sometimes life is shit- getting stuck in a dwelling moment is a symptom of depression which most people on here do not have a fucking clue about!

I don't need to post when I feel ok - who needs help when they are ok - no one! And what I get when I come on here is you need to do this or do that or stop doing this or that - and then I get the lovely response from duckfuck! I cannot order so bloody ironic!

Yes font totally agree - sue the entire legal team 😜

MrsMolly - no I do not want the shiny new car - what I want is for the x to pay his CM or contribute to his kids school fees!

entire British justice system - now that would be something!

I don't need to make peace with myself - I am at peace with myself - I am angry at my legal representation - completely different scenario!

MN at its finest right here.

It’s tough @greenberet but from what you’ve posted all I can say is I believe you really have gone all out to do your best. Keep going love

You are using this as a displacement activity and this bitterness will consume you and you will never move forward unless you catch yourself on and start to deal emotionally with this.