Children survive divorce - - my fucking arse they do!

[greenberet]

My struggles are well documented on here and by default my kids - I am blubbing right now -the damage this has done to all of us goes far beyond what I can put into words.

My Ds has always been "challenging" I put this in commas as it's not really him that's challenging it's how we as adults deal with the behaviour - when kids don't "conform" to our expectations we say there must be something wrong with them - we put them on drugs to curb their behaviour one minute and then when they put themselves on drugs in late life we still question this! WTF are we doing to them!

My Ds has so many unexplored emotions going through him - yet he is trying to do his best - his best at home to help me - his best at school to achieve something of himself - his best that his father and myself too some extent have been too preoccupied or absent to see.

I struggle with MH - I have not been able to perform at my best for the last 4 years - dealing with an extremely acrimonious divorce - trying to maintain myself and the home as I was - trying to maintain my kids as they were and deserve.

My Ds tells me to keep out his room - he knows I get angry at the state of it - I have kept a wide berth because I have had too much pressure to deal with and have been choosing my battles.

I go in there this morning not to get angry but to help him _ his furniture is falling apart - he has stuff all over the place- it has not been dusted for god knows how long - clothes in piles on the floor - shoved under the bed. I find a plié of boxes - in these boxes are all the birthday presents I have bought him over the years - for the last 5 years or so I have got him something and it has been engraved - they are all there - it has made me blub-

he is going to school with holes in his shoes - he says he doesn't care -he is in a world where image matters - he spends ages on his hair etc - I can't remember the last time he asked me for something - I think he is down to one pair of jeans - we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors - he helps me cut the grass which I can see is at the expense of his own care for himself - he works one day at the weekend in a less than minimum wage job to get some money and the school is moaning at him that he is not doing the best of his ability -they have asked me what is he doing with his time at home ?

I can tell you what he is doing he is trying to survive - he is trying to survive in an environment( private school) that his DF wanted him to go to - why ? For his own ego? - he is trying to keep up with his peers emotionally and financially - after his DF bailed out due to his own inadequacies in himself!

I have seen displays around town for end of term "thank you teachers" I have lived with my school reports all my life "green beret could do better if she tried harder" no one knows what goes on at home - behind closed doors - we provide an image to the outside world that is acceptable - we are all doing fine!

I could post pictures on here that shows the real truth - no we are not doing fine - we are dragging ourselves along by our fingernails and hoping to Christ we will make it!

All people in so called positions of responsibility fuck us up - teachers parents and also in my case legal profession- why do we have to fucking thank them - kids are trying to teach us something - when are we going to wake up - I think I have just woken up today!

Redrun- thank you for your post - I'm sorry about your mum - my own childhood wasn't idyllic either - my DM suffered with MH issues - now I probably believe as a result of my DF and his strict and controlling ways! Also she is South African so had to endure apartheid within her own family unit and some other issues I'm not going into on here.

I idolised my DF - I was probably his narcisstic supply - maybe my Dm didn't want to be ruled by him and this caused issues - my DM had guts I never knew about whilst she was alive - only found out about it when marriage broke down and this was a throw away remark - my DM had to deal with something a family should not have to endure - she was also subject to racist abuse from the aunt who brought my DF up - she managed to forgive two people that must have caused her immense pain so they had a chance to share in their grandchildren.

I often thought my DM was weak - she too was often in bed - but it was always 'flu' my Df was who I identified with who I wanted to be like - and I was when I was working - but now I know the truth My DM was a fucking superwoman - I got her so wrong!

And the reason behind all this - my parents kept things from me - they thought it was protecting me - it did and it didn't - I picked up on things - explanations didn't make sense - and this is how you end up being squewed! Kids need the truth no matter what age - anything else fucks with their heads!

I'm glad you turned it around - one time your "successes" would have been my agenda too - not anymore - I believe mums do their best - your dm must have been suffering too to do to herself what she did - don't be jealous of other peoples mums - I too missed some stuff that i would have liked to have shared !

I can't blame her for being ill - she was dealing with demons I knew nothing about - but she loved me when she could and it was good love! My DF also loves me as best as he is able to!

That's all we can ask of anyone that they do their best - my x could do a whole lot better but he has to admit to his demons first - and he's not going to do this - so I get the blame!

actually this week has been pretty strange for me and today too but again I'm not going into this now - one day I will!

Thank you for your support!

Of course my children understood, they were 6 and 10 at the time, not stupid. We went from living in a nice house with a car and two holidays a year to a two up and two down on a sink estate where our neighbors regularly assaulted each other in the street. They noticed we weren't in the same position we used to be.

My ex was an alcoholic. He had a drunken tantrum when I asked him to come home from the pub to parent his children because I was supposed to be in work (bar manager). When I got home from work, he threw me and the dog out. The oldest DD heard it and found the key and left with me because she was worried about me.

I went to my parents house. I was supposed to go back to him and apologize to him and beg for a second chance like I had all the times before but this time was different. My kids heard it and witnessed it. DD cried all night because she was worried about her baby sister.

I went to the council that day while she was at school and got a part furnished house under the rent guarantee scheme, picked DD2 up from school and never looked back.

Ex-H swung between being more vile than ever to showering me in roses, begging me to come home. It was confusing for me and the kids.

DD1 remembers the most, she refuses to see him. DD2 sees him once or twice a week but is starting to see him for what he is and is refusing to go more often than not. She's always had a very strong sense of right and wrong. He refuses to make her lunch for school or give her lunch money and takes food from our house to give her instead. In her mind (and in reality) this isn't fair because he has more money than me, so she refused to see him until he went food shopping.

I wasted so long trying to get him to be a father and take financial and emotional responsibility for his children. It sapped me of everything I was. Since accepting he never was and never will be a father, my life has been so much easier. No, it's not fair, and yes, he should pay for and parent his kids equally but he won't and never will and I can't force him to. All I can I can do is move on with my life and accept the reality I have and that reality is, fair or not, the kids are my sole responsibility.

Life - I know you mean well but please if you are going to summarise my divorce get your facts straight! Otherwise you are putting your spin on my life which then makes it something it isn't.

Your right it wasnt solely the solicitors fault - there are two barristers at fault and a surveyor just on my side coupled with the x dodgy solicitor and the underhand tactics of his barristers makes one wholly mess - but it's ok because they can get away with it and how much of it was about their fees! And I didn't want to go to FH - I wanted to accept an offer that was made to me but I was advised against doing so as I would not have been able to survive!

Well fuck me what I came out with is even less than this offer -so as I have said I am bloody angry!

I don't give a fuck if landscapes have changed - it's their job to know this and the landscape hasn't changed for everyone has it - otherwise this legal stuff would be simple - I thought it was each case on its merits!

Takes many years for these judicial policies to filter through - again what bollocks - this is just so they i.e. The legal profession can hang onto their jobs _ does it take many years for something to filter through when it's the other way round - if someone is being sentenced for crime can the judge say sorry I didn't get the circular or email!

I'm sorry about your friend - personally she sounds like she got shafted too - why is it in the majority of cases that women take the hit - is it because men are bloody useless -why should women have to do it all - having kids takes 2 - the legal system so far up its own bloody arse can't see how ridiculous it all is!

Cannot anticipate a judge - gets them off the hook then really doesn't it? Doesn't matter what job we do we can blame it on the judge at the end of the day - and you're telling me I'm the one with an issue.

These people get paid £1000s and want for - a fucking farce that's what!

I know there are far more who have suffered much worse than I have but it is all relative - it is not a competition- just because you think my circumstances do not warrant my level of suffering?

I have depression - this effects how I deal with stuff - it's something else I am trying to overcome - but what comes first eh -improvement in circumstances or change of thought?

If change if thought was so easy we'd all be living in Lalaland

Good for you for going to freedom meetings - ironically I'm sharing my experience on here hoping that it too may help someone else despite you thinking I'm just here for the sympathy!

I have a lot to be grateful for - I have said this before - but no doubt if I posted on here I would get blasted for being too cocky!

I post rants on here because this is my outlet - this is where I first came to when I needed answers and this is where I shall continue as I need to! You don't have to comment if you do not like what I'm saying!

Regardless though the more I have to deal with this the more I get to know who I really am - so this too is something to be grateful for isn't it?

Sadly though I still do have to deal with an x - even if it is indirectly and whilst this continues I will no doubt be triggered.

Frequency I'm sorry you went through such a hard time - your x can no longer contain his demons hence the drinking to dull his pain - ironically he could and this is a very loose could stand a better chance of turning around because he is out of control.

It's bloody sad for your kids - but they sound switched on and you sound like a good mum out to do her best for them

My x is still very much in control - he is well respected in his industry - he is pretty much at the top of his game - so he has a whole crowd of people playing to his ego? How can someone so respected be the crazy one ? Especially when the bitter wife does things to prove her craziness!

this is what my kids are battling with - but at least one of us recognises we need help.- personally I'd rather my kids suffer with depression than be abusive - currently they could go either way or end up with both.

What my kids see now is Ow kids getting their lifestyle - actually looking on from outside nothing much appears to have changed - but it has very nearly sapped me of everything I had too - except we are both much stronger than them!

I haven't finished yet - he was 6 months ahead of me all the way through -so who knows what can happen in the next 6 months.

Given the choice between being wher I am or where he is - I choose my circumstances every time - because deep down I know my own truth - deep down he knows his own lies - I believe what goes around comes around - time will tell

I've never believed life is fair - I've had this instilled in me - I knew there were people who can love you and then stab you in the back - I knew there were abusive people - but what I never expected was for this to happen to me - as none of us did - I thought I had been through enough already in my life - but I guess not - I know I will come out of this better and stronger but I'm not quite there yet - but I also may have bouts of woe is me - this is who I am for the time being!

In fact it's only when we compare ourselves to others we think life is not fair -

And I didn't want to go to FH - I wanted to accept an offer that was made to me but I was advised against doing so as I would not have been able to survive!

It is still your decision and as I was told, court is always about rolling the dice.The world has changed, unfortunately it is harsher financially and that is the direction for settlements. All judgements are very Judge dependant as the law has never specified settlements however there is a trend to very limited spousal maintenance.Some take a strict line and just award 2 years max, others are a little more flexible but if you have secondary school aged children 2 years is more likely...a few years ago it may have been different but given life expectancy is higher everyone is expected to work til much later in life, that includes previous SAHMs.

I understand you feel let down as not what you expected but blame does not move you forward. My ex's barrister was horrendous but that is what hostile divorces are like, there are no winners.
I knew I would have to rebuild financially after divorce and my life will not be comfortable...I do worry especially as I have health isdues and ex earns a fortune so life for dc will be 2 separate lifestyles.
It is about acceptance.

3 barristers, a surveyor and a couple of solicitors all at fault.....and one person faultless through it all

This is spectacular drip feeding

greenberet, you don't want support here really you just want to spew your venom and anger at strangers to make you feel better.

Life - when you are paying someone for the expertise of their profession - I do not accept that it is a roll of the dice - I know all about the trend I knew about it going through the process - except time and time again I was told that my circumstances would warrant it - either the legal profession is just complete bullshit or there are some very dodgy solicitors around, both of which I have experienced - just for the record though my last barrister was good - just too late in the process!

a lot of the financial services industry thought they could get away with advising people to come out of "good" pension schemes - took the commission and ran - but this all ended up being reviewed and those that had wrong advice were compensated for !

The legal profession is probably the only area that has not been overhauled but changes are already coming.

Wobytide -there!s no drip feeding most people know my back history

LizJones -you don't want to give support here - you're just offloading your own anger on complete strangers to make yourself feel better!

This is exactly how women get stitched up in the divorce process - the case often quoted is about a woman full of vitriol but the case notes don't give the full story only a "version" of it - I too expect her DH went off with another woman and manipulated the "process" - sometimes you need to read between the lines to get a full picture!

Very few on here are able to understand the full extent of what I have been through and conclude that I am bitter and need to get on with my life!

Just goes to show how easy a judgement can be made based on half a story and just how easy one of the overriding factors in my case gets ignored time and time again despite me mentioning it nearly every time.

Life - if you worry about the future you have not fully accepted your situation - if you can say what you have - you still have concerns and somewhere in the back of your head is a niggling doubt - it's not about being a winner - it's not about being fair - it's supposedly about two people being able to come out on an equal standing so that they can both move forward. Were your health issues taken into account?

This isn't about looking for someone to blame - this is about paying a professional to do a job that they say they are capable of doing! If anything it's the legal system that use the bollocks of "judge dependant" blah blah to get themselves off the hook -none of this is for the clients benefit!

Maybe you keep coming back to me because you want to accept your situation but deep down you too feel ripped off ?

This is what the legal profession want - for you to walk away - accept what you got and move on - they don't give a stuff if your life is going to be comfortable or not, fair or not -all they see is ££££ going into their own bank account -

You have said the answer in your own post - not everyone's life expectancy is far higher - generally yes but not everyone - and how many times did you hear - it's all about each individual's circumstances?

They might as well just say any home will be sold - 50/50 split of any remaining funds -50/50 split of any pensions - everyone self sufficient 50/50 childcare - job done - everyone would know where they stood - but where's the money for the lawyers then?

They want us to have hope - because otherwise they are shafting themselves - and who's going to do that?

Some children come through divorce reasonably well, although it's daft to think there's no ill effect at all. Some parents manage (eventually) to do a decent job of coparenting while living separately, but unfortunately far to many are shockingly bad at behaving like adults for the sake of their children. IME scorned women are often the most toxic.

Those parents may well have damaged their children even if they stayed together though.

I do know, through working with very damaged children, that we very rarely see one who is living with both parents so maybe those who stay together for the children don't cause so much damage after all or maybe those that are prepared to make that sacrifice are the kind of parents who would have managed a split in a way that protects the children too.

When I got married many decades ago, we were given a book by the vicar. A quote a remember is "the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother". Horribly sexist and outdated but the sentiment is valid and works the other way (mother loves father) IMO

A judge is supposed to be impartial - they are supposed to weigh up each case on its merits - if a judge has strong views on the outcome of a case before they have even heard the case they are not impartial and they are not taking individual circumstances into account. Al, they are doing is imposing their own values on somebody else - they are supposed to be above this!

What you are paying for is for your case to be presented as it is - not with facts manipulated - a fact is supposed to be a fucking fact - not open to interpretation or up for debate - you get medical evidence to support you and then this gets dismissed by the judge - where is the logic in this? Is the judge better medically qualified than your GP? You get an experts report which again is done by professionals which gives the judge "facts" and then this too is up for debate!

What is never up for debate is the integrity of those representing you - you take this as a given until you get shown otherwise - so am I supposed to just accept this - like fuck I will!

Readingriot - what are you saying here?

From what I've read the best thing a father can do for his kids is respect their mother - whether married/ divorced/ never married

Love and respect are two different things but quite often confused! If a man has no respect for women whether as a wife or mother how is he ever going to be able to do the best for his kids?

And yes I agree it goes both ways - there are a lot of women on here who have lost all respect for men -all men and that is why they chose to remain single - what message does this give kids?

Divorce was the absolute best thing for my kids. And me.

I’ve been depressed and angry over it. I’ll tell you from experience the best thing you can do for yourself is access counselling to get him out of your head.

I get no maintenance and no help. My kids are at the worst school in the worst area. Private school is a pipe dream for them. But I don’t let them havw holes in their shoes.

Do you work?

Your kids will suss him in their own time. And that’s ok, because they and he have a different relationship to the one you had with him.

Those that stayed together for the children? - these are the damaged adults that are now in therapy if we are lucky - mostly though they are probably repeating the same dysfunctional patterns within their own unit!

Duck - in answer to your questions - doing the counselling and no don't work - but Christ I must be one awful mother for letting them have holes in their shoes!

My full story is on here if you would like to read before commenting

I'm not sure I understand you point there green beret? Why are parents who stay together "for the children" damaged? IME they've taken an adult decision to make the best of a bad lot and create some sort of family life. It's not perfect but neither is splitting.

I don't claim to be any sort of expert, but but I do work with very damaged children and as I said, have we very rarely see one from a family where the parents have stayed together (have one out of 250 kids atm)

I think you should get a job and if you can’t get a job, go out every day and volunteer.

You’re rude, snippy and angry and it’s not helping you. You sound incredibly bitter. And that is what will damage your kids far far more than a well managed divorce.

I don’t take well to be ordered around and talked down to. That’s what you’re doing and it’s getting people’s backs up.

If you do it here, you do it in real life and that’s nit a good environment for children.

Op

Your anger is shining through. You are hurting. You should let go. You can hold on as much and as long as you like but you need to accept that the only person you are hurting is yourself.

Your children are 17 you do not need to talk to their father about anything ever again. Except in a medical, life threatening emergency.

Your ex is in the past. What he does with his life and money is not your business.

You are holding on far too tight. You can rant about barristers and judges but there will be no good coming your way for it.

You are wasting your emotional energy on issues that you cannot change.

You say the hole in the shoes is not important- that is so important as is the fact your boy only has one pair of trousers.

You state that you think it’s fine that your children should be aware of your financial affairs - why? I would be doing anything to shield my children from worries at their age.

I hope you manage to improve your inner self. Please let go of the past.

You can do this

You could have mown the lawn in all the time you've spent on here. Saved DS a job.

I have told my ex only to communicate with my lawyer except in a life or death situation relating to one of the children where he will text me or I him.

And I mean truly life or death. He had DD for a weekend and she went to A&E for stitches - he didn’t text me. And that’s ok. He thought that would upset me that I didn’t know and couldn’t come running and he paints it to his friends as I didn’t care about dd. But that’s ok. Because what the fuck do I care about his friends anyway, and them thinking ill of me is nothing new and it’s better then allowing him back in my head

My full story is on here if you would like to read before commenting

I'm not being funny, but do you actually expect people to do that???? That's nuts. This is a parenting forum. We all only have 5 mins to post in between jobs and kids. We post relating to the OP we find. And yours is fairly shocking in tone, so that's what people are reacting to. And they're allowed.

Empathy for your situation will only stretch so far. Yes you have been through some tough times. But you will find that most posters have. 4 years, including separation is a long time. You need to accept the marriage is over. You need to accept and move on from the way the marriage has ended. You need to deal with the fact that your financial situation has changed. You need to get a job and you need to show your son that you are strong and pushing forward with life. If you do not, you will lose your son, as he will distance himself from you. You sound like terribly hard work and nobody wants to be around that.

I do not think the OP will ever ever stop contacting the Ex. There will always be "reasons".

A lot of what you are saying is coming back round to money and your perceived lack of it and your ex's contrasting lifestyle. If your court settlement factored in paying for private school presumably that's why your ex took you to court before the start of term, to make sure they went where he was paying for them to go? If money is your issue go and get a job. If your depression hinders this get some help and medication to enable you to support your children. You say you need a nap every afternoon in order to not be cranky, so do I!! However I am rational enough to understand that I need to work more than I need to nap. Get a early morning cleaning job if it suits you better.