Children survive divorce - - my fucking arse they do!

[greenberet]

My struggles are well documented on here and by default my kids - I am blubbing right now -the damage this has done to all of us goes far beyond what I can put into words.

My Ds has always been "challenging" I put this in commas as it's not really him that's challenging it's how we as adults deal with the behaviour - when kids don't "conform" to our expectations we say there must be something wrong with them - we put them on drugs to curb their behaviour one minute and then when they put themselves on drugs in late life we still question this! WTF are we doing to them!

My Ds has so many unexplored emotions going through him - yet he is trying to do his best - his best at home to help me - his best at school to achieve something of himself - his best that his father and myself too some extent have been too preoccupied or absent to see.

I struggle with MH - I have not been able to perform at my best for the last 4 years - dealing with an extremely acrimonious divorce - trying to maintain myself and the home as I was - trying to maintain my kids as they were and deserve.

My Ds tells me to keep out his room - he knows I get angry at the state of it - I have kept a wide berth because I have had too much pressure to deal with and have been choosing my battles.

I go in there this morning not to get angry but to help him _ his furniture is falling apart - he has stuff all over the place- it has not been dusted for god knows how long - clothes in piles on the floor - shoved under the bed. I find a plié of boxes - in these boxes are all the birthday presents I have bought him over the years - for the last 5 years or so I have got him something and it has been engraved - they are all there - it has made me blub-

he is going to school with holes in his shoes - he says he doesn't care -he is in a world where image matters - he spends ages on his hair etc - I can't remember the last time he asked me for something - I think he is down to one pair of jeans - we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors - he helps me cut the grass which I can see is at the expense of his own care for himself - he works one day at the weekend in a less than minimum wage job to get some money and the school is moaning at him that he is not doing the best of his ability -they have asked me what is he doing with his time at home ?

I can tell you what he is doing he is trying to survive - he is trying to survive in an environment( private school) that his DF wanted him to go to - why ? For his own ego? - he is trying to keep up with his peers emotionally and financially - after his DF bailed out due to his own inadequacies in himself!

I have seen displays around town for end of term "thank you teachers" I have lived with my school reports all my life "green beret could do better if she tried harder" no one knows what goes on at home - behind closed doors - we provide an image to the outside world that is acceptable - we are all doing fine!

I could post pictures on here that shows the real truth - no we are not doing fine - we are dragging ourselves along by our fingernails and hoping to Christ we will make it!

All people in so called positions of responsibility fuck us up - teachers parents and also in my case legal profession- why do we have to fucking thank them - kids are trying to teach us something - when are we going to wake up - I think I have just woken up today!

Wow. Just had a look at some of your other posts and it really is everyone else's fault for everything, isn't it?

I feel tremendously sorry for your DS. Are you getting help for your mental health? Right now it seems like he is being dragged into a very nasty fight between you.byou clearly love him, but perhaps with your depression it's hard to focus on his needs Vs yours right now. Please get yourself some help, I think it will be the best way to help him.

Your DS is 17, not 7.
Why do you even need to have contact with XH anymore, really I mean?

My DSS is 15. We rarely speak to his DM these days as DSS has a voice of his own. She calls re school trips/uniform etc, that's maybe a handful of times a year. What is it you want from your 4 years separated XH for your near adult DC? I'm sure he sees it the way most do now, the relationship is dead, the DC are grown up, job done. You are irrelevant to him now, yet still forcing your presence into a long passed situation. Let it go!

The divorce happened to the whole family. It is not your personal tragedy. You sound like you need help to move on. Being this bitter is incredibly unhealthy for your DS and as well for you.

Try and stop emoting at him. Buying personalised engraved trinkets for birthday presents for the last 5 years is odd. What is a 13/14/15/16/17 year old going to with them other than shove them in a box?

I feel really sorry for your DS. It sounds like a miserable way to live.

Well I've just logged back in and out of what 8 posts only one shows any hint of compassion and understanding -thank you crimsonlake - I knew I shouldn't have looked but I'm bored - on here trying to avoid reality and having another bout of "woe is me" - except I've started to realise that these "woe is me" episodes are me battling with all the negative shite I've had pummelled into my head over the years by people who are supposed to love me! And I go through this before I get up and kick more arse!

So fuddle who are these professionals you refer to? Solicitors or teachers? Solicitor -mine shafted me! Teacher - have had in my head " greenberet could do better if she tried harder" since my school days!

How is this doing their best? Had my solicitor not shafted me I would not be in this situation now - teachers well for some reason most of us only remember the negative - must be how we are conditioned!

Crimsonlake-thank you again - I am trying to live my best life and one day I will be but I have to deal with this shite first - not store it away for it to come back and bite me on the arse sometime in the future as it will if it's not dealt with!

Articuno - don't comment from a place of lack of knowledge it makes you look arrogant or ignorant - especially when the information is available for you to answer your own questions but obviously you cant be arsed to read my other threads!

Sorry your comment about punctuation has really made me laugh - I'm not writing a bloody essay getting marked for grammar I'm talking from my heart and this is how it comes out -

HodgeoftheHedge- your user name is pretty apt for a private joke that I am not going to explain - I hate the use of WOW at the start of any comment when it is used in such a condescending and derogatory way - another one that has no understanding of depression -depression is symptomatic of thinking everything is your fault - so this would make me a medical oneoff!

Name change - thankyou- I have help although not enough - and yes I am trying to meet everyone's needs - including those of people who have wronged me but do not have the courage to admit this and say sorry -I am currently having to deal with some tough decisions that go against my natural beliefs and this is dragging me down! My Ds is on holiday with his school mates - he is having a fab time - and yes I love him!

Articuno - actually you are very wrong about me - my intention is to say "see what IVE done" see what I've done despite having depression which means I cannot function at a level I would like to most days - see what I've done despite you trying to destroy me emotionally and financially - see what I've done in getting the kids to believe in themselves despite those that are meant to love them unconditionally not being able to - see what I've done in trying to teach the kids what is important in life and it's not Fucking money or winning a prize for being the best when you are lying to yourself! See what I've done Without having to shaft someone even when the opportunity is there and it would be nice to take revenge! See what I've done in always putting the kids needs first - see what I've done and I'm happy!

Notasinglefuck - the relationship is well and truly dead but someone somewhere told me we are "parents for life" - in my eyes this means that the kids need their parents for ever - doesn't matter what age they are - there are many events that we may need to attend together at some point in the future - sadly though I think the kids will enginerr it so that this doesn't! Happen - in my eyes this is fucking sad - that two adults cannot behave like adults and the fucking kids have to take on the grown up role! However there are always things that are beyond our control and I will know that I tried to parent for life regardless of how he treated me - if you can't fucking do this don't have kids in the first place - and the universe was trying to tell me something but I didn't listen!

MrsMolly - I'm hoping he's going to keep them and use them - they are all relevant to him -and if at any point in the future he has any doubt if I loved him he has something concrete to reassure him - the mind is very strong - Or should I say ego - it can make us question everything - it can play tricks on us make us believe that our arse is our elbow - make us believe that people who love us won't hurt us - make us question who really loved me for who I am faults and all - I want him to know this answer with no doubt and if I do not achieve this through all the things I am doing because the universe intervenes -then hopefully they will do the trick - that and everything else I have written on here

Francis - that is my aim -that not only will they survive but they will be better people as a result - some very harsh life lessons to achieve this but sadly this is how most people learn - the hard way! when there is a much easier way and this is through love - but most people don't know what this is even though they think they do - and so this is how it is!

Crikey, that's a litany of self pity.

Consider, if you will OP that in all your posts it's always you in the absolute sanctimonious right and everyone else in the very wrong. The common denominator in all these struggles is you. It's way past time to consider changing your approach and attitude.

As a parent I certain do not consider it my role to provide hard life lessons to my DC.
It is my job as a parent to bring them up with positivity and confidence that will help them cope and weather hard knocks if they should come their way.

Your willingness to throw your DC under the bus is just appalling.

MrsCholly -you have no idea about me - only what I post on here and your perception is way off!

And if you are way off I'm not going to take it!

Did I say that I am providing the hard lessons - no I did not - the hard lessons are coming as a result of my cunt of an X and his continual attempt to destroy me financially and emotionally so he can justify the reasons why he fucked up his kids life!

Another one that reads one post out of 100's and thinks they know me better than I know myself!

Just for the record it is their own father who has thrown them under a bus and continually driven backwards and forwards over them just for the sheer hell of it!

You know they say that people mirror back what you need to learn and your perception of others is actually a reflection of yourself!

I know I am right about two aspects of my divorce and that is my x manipulated the whole process to his advantage and my solicitors shafted me!

And just because I am the common denominator it does not mean that it is me that needs to change my approach and attitude - why do you think there is a flock of sheep and one wolf - which one are you?

Can you be full of self pity and sanctimonious at the same time?

OP you wrote:

You know they say that people mirror back what you need to learn and your perception of others is actually a reflection of yourself!

Yes exactly my point. please take heed.

ive done my soul searching - have you? I'm not the one judging complete strangers.

I know my X everything I predicted he would do he did and worse so I feel I am can call him what I want!

I did not expect to get shafted by my solicitors though - so yes I am still angry over this and I will remain angry until I decide not to. I am not the only person who has been ripped off by solicitors why do you think professional negligence exists.

Had I not told them everything my x would do and kept on at them to be on top of their game maybe I would not be so angry but they abused me and abused their professional duty of care!

Unless you have walked in my shoes do not tell me I am full of self pity - it is even more insulting when the person you are saying it to suffers with depression!

How did your solicitors abuse you and rip you off?

I'm sorry you feel posters are unfairly picking on you but as someone in a similar position to you, I think they have a point.

My ex-H was (and still is) emotionally and financially abusive. You're right, they don't suddenly stop being abusive because you leave. I often think my Ex's main joy in life is to try to make my life as hard and miserable as possible. I say try because I don't let him. He might not have 'left' the relationship in his head but I have.

It's hard, especially when he refuses to pay for things the children need despite being on 10x more money than I am. It's hard watching him go on holidays and weekly piss-ups when I can't always to go food shopping for his children. It's not effecting my kids in the way it is effecting your DS. If they need something, they ask me and we are poor, they know we are poor. They know their dad is not. They know if he paid us what he should we wouldn't be as poor. They also know what I'm doing to get us out of the situation we are in and they support me in it.

What they don't understand is the daily day to day grind of being poor because that's the bit they don't need to know. They don't understand that I panic about money everyday or that I wake in night worrying about when the last time I bought them new socks was and trying to work out when they'll ask again. I don't make a big deal about money if they ask me for things they need. I quietly work out when I can afford it and tell them, unless it's something they need urgently and then I'll quietly work out which bills I can afford to not pay that week in order to get them what they need. They might not have designer shoes but they have shoes without holes in. Most of their clothes are H and M or Primark but they have clothes which fit and enough of them. I don't and my shoes often have holes in but I don't mention it to the children. They don't need to know.

I also have depression. You need to stop wallowing and be proactive (and yes, it's tough, especially with depression) but if you don't, nothing will ever change and your kids will suffer for it.

greenberet - I am a counsellor. The word that stood out for me above all others is the one in the link you posted: twinflame.

I have worked with many people who are trying to deal with their 'twinflame' relationships. The underlying issue is not the relationship itself: it is the twinflame ideation that my clients hold. It is tenacious; it can take years to work through; and unfortunately this is all of your own work, and not your ex's. It's a tough deal, and I'm sorry. But somehow, hopefully, you'll be able to see past what you feel is being flung at you here, and look at a simple truth that you will never see until you deal with the notion of "twinflame" itself. It is a fallacy - and fuck is it a painful fallacy to dismantle. (And often impossible because each person considers themselves the exception and that their connection is really 'real'.)

Good luck

Frequency - thank you for your comments - how old are your kids?

AFistful - I'm interested that you are a counsellor and your area of work - the link has probably misconstrued what I am saying - I do not consider my X to be a twinflame - my relationship with him and the subsequent ending was something I had to go through to rediscover my true self - I started on a path roughly 20 years ago when I first suffered PTSD in relation to my job at the time - somehow I got derailed from this path and was blinded by the trappings of wealth and materialism -something my X values highly -it is no substitute for authenticity - I'm not really sure why you say this is all my own work - what are you referring to here?

They are 11 and 15. I split with their father around six years ago. For the first year, I was probably was like you are now. He was still abusing me and controlling me. In fact, the abuse got worse. I had regular panic attacks which I'd never suffered from before.

And then after a year, I decided it had to stop. I got a new phone, one with the ability to block calls and messages and accepted that he was never, ever, ever going to change. Hell would freeze over before he supported his children properly or behaved like an actual human being with emotions and empathy and so I stopped trying to get him to or expecting him to.

I get a minimal amount of CM, nowhere near what he should be paying but he's self employed, so there's little I can do about that. If the kids need something I ask once and once only. I don't beg or argue, there's no pint, he's not going to suddenly decide to support his kids properly because I sent him a nasty message. If (or rather when) he starts sending me vile or accusatory messages, I block his calls and messages for 24 hours. The one time he turned up at my door I called the Police. He's never done it since.

You have to detach emotionally. You are no longer in a relationship with this man. You couldn't change him when you were together you sure as shit can't change him now. Back off and take steps to protect yourself from him. Stop expecting him to act like a father, he never will.

Op, you’ve had a rough time, you feel you’ve been treated unfairly and these are bitter pills to swallow.
I feel he same about my abusive alcoholic mother, I did terribly at school because home life was so chaotic. This really impacted-on me and my opportunities and I felt my
life was going nowhere and I became depressed. I looked at what my friends had achieved with parental support and stable homes and felt so sad.
I’ve managed to turn my life around, I have beautiful kids, a loving husband, an undergrad degree, a masters and my salary last year with bonuses was over £60k.... my point being... you can choose now how you react. You can’t control the shit life has dealt you. You can’t control the fact that someone who you loved dearly, and was meant to have your back, betrayed you in the most awful way. You can look around at other people and feel awful resentment because their husbands are lovely, like I look at my friends with their mums and feel jealous.
Or You can choose to let go and live your life.

I’m curious to know after reading all of the replies what your next steps are? I think we would all try and support you in these.

I know you have posted many times and the reason why posters are tough with comments is because they can see what damage your attitude MUST be doing to your young adults.

As I recall you went to FH and didn't get the deal you may have got in FDR.You are shocked that with depression you will be expected to work in a few years time to top up your income.
You are also having to sell the FMH to downsize.
You didn't get support for private school post 16 so have chosen to pay for your son's education out of your funds.
You have care for your young adults and asked your ex to take them for a month as you were not coping, it didn't happen but I guess at their ages they make their own decisions re visits.

What causes frustration is that you don't seem able to accept and move forward.
There is a victim mentality and willingness to blame someone.
Reality is finance settlements are fought by solicitors, barristers and ultimately a Judge decides in FH.It cannot be solely a solicitors fault as you had to agree to go to FH and would have had a barrister offering a view.What has happened is the landscape has changed and financial settlements are now tougher for the non working parent.

I know of one woman with 3 young dc who's settlement was extremely poor, she however does not blame her solicitors.She is getting on and making the best of a very tough situation.
The change in settlements is something mentioned in earlier posts and you felt your solicitor should know but it takes many years for these judicidcal policies to filter through. My solicitor and barrister thought I would get a better deal but they cannot anticipate a Judge..I am not angry with them.
My experience of an abusive ex is to decide to use my personal experience to help other women..going to my local freedom program meetings shows how extensive some women suffer.
Similarly I am just grateful for the good things in my life.

You are asked by posters to reflect on tje good in your life. What are you grateful for? If you change your thoughts you change your emotions.

Rather than posts rants about your life why not post all the blessings you have, which includes no longer having to deal with an Ex.

Frequency - I think the age of kids at split is significant - obviously at the age your kids were they were too young to understand the financial implications and had mine been this age of course I would not have been sharing the detail with them.

Mine were 13 at the time - they were at private school - every term x claimed he could not afford the fees - they went to the specific school as it had a 6 form facility - they had both moved from other ps specifically for this - he was putting their education into doubt as soon as he left - to try and remove the kids from this emotional blackmail I got them places at the local state school for their two last years so they could have these years without the worry as to when or if he would stop paying the fees. He took me to court two days before the start of the school term as he did not want them to go to state school.

Writing this down now I know this is absurd - it was fucking absurd at the time - the stress I was under the kids were under - who in their right mind would do this ?

You don't say whether your kids still see their father - you also don't say how the split occurred i.e. Was it an affair -again at that age they don't understand the ramifications of it all and it's easy to say we just don't love each other any more?

My kids got the ramifications full on - he went missing when it all came out - I had to get the police to locate him - I was concerned he was going to do something stupid - the police were here with me and kids whilst they were searching for him - my Dd was talking to him on phone to keep him in one place so police could catch up with him.

He was a mess I'd already kicked him out - but I let him come back so that he could be here whilst he got better - I nursed him through this " breakdown" even after what he had put me through when I found out about affair. I say breakdown but I later found out OW had told him it was over and she was staying with her husband - then whilst he was here he started seeing her again - I can't even remember the full sequence of events after this - obviously my brain keeps somethings back.

My kids saw me do all this - they saw me help him as much as I could -despite my own pain - I even helped him do what he needed to do re the business so it didn't go under! At this point the future of the marriage was still in question but he needed to get better first!

Now I'm not sure how much of this was real - he was obviously in distress but more to do with his own fucked up ness than anything else! I.e. He ruined his family, Ow didn't want him anymore - how do I turn this round?

In his head he is still a father I am a bitter twisted ex wife does a bitter twisted person nurse someone who has inflicted the harshest pain on them - I don't think so do you - they would stick the bloody knife in!

I never felt the need to change him - I accepted how he was - it was only once the divorce proceedings started instigated by me that I realised how evil he was! It's not really evil though - its weak and cowardly - but comes across as evil to a person like me who cannot understand how you can inflict pain on someone who supposedly loved for 20 years. The worst part I was diagnosed with breast cancer just after the split - was he concerned - was he fuck - only in the insurance money - this is someone who does not have a heart - who is devoid of love.

This is why I keep going because he still sees his kids, he still has a relationship with them but on his terms only - he has manipulated and abused them both - still does - I'm not going to let them take this behaviour and think this is ' normal' that this is how it is that this is how a good relationship functions. I tolerated too much in my marriage partly now I realise because my own understanding of a relationship was squewed _ from my parents marriage and his parents marriage - very similar both long but both dysfunctional as hell - so much abuse but not identified as abuse then really but now no doubt. A long marriage is not an indication of a good marriage is it but some people still think it is !

I want my kids coming out of this with stronger boundaries than I had, a better understanding of their own self worth and value and above all knowing what love really means! That is why I do what I do - and what I have said all along that it is all about my kids