Children survive divorce - - my fucking arse they do!

[greenberet]

My struggles are well documented on here and by default my kids - I am blubbing right now -the damage this has done to all of us goes far beyond what I can put into words.

My Ds has always been "challenging" I put this in commas as it's not really him that's challenging it's how we as adults deal with the behaviour - when kids don't "conform" to our expectations we say there must be something wrong with them - we put them on drugs to curb their behaviour one minute and then when they put themselves on drugs in late life we still question this! WTF are we doing to them!

My Ds has so many unexplored emotions going through him - yet he is trying to do his best - his best at home to help me - his best at school to achieve something of himself - his best that his father and myself too some extent have been too preoccupied or absent to see.

I struggle with MH - I have not been able to perform at my best for the last 4 years - dealing with an extremely acrimonious divorce - trying to maintain myself and the home as I was - trying to maintain my kids as they were and deserve.

My Ds tells me to keep out his room - he knows I get angry at the state of it - I have kept a wide berth because I have had too much pressure to deal with and have been choosing my battles.

I go in there this morning not to get angry but to help him _ his furniture is falling apart - he has stuff all over the place- it has not been dusted for god knows how long - clothes in piles on the floor - shoved under the bed. I find a plié of boxes - in these boxes are all the birthday presents I have bought him over the years - for the last 5 years or so I have got him something and it has been engraved - they are all there - it has made me blub-

he is going to school with holes in his shoes - he says he doesn't care -he is in a world where image matters - he spends ages on his hair etc - I can't remember the last time he asked me for something - I think he is down to one pair of jeans - we are not poor - but all he hears is me worrying about money as a result of being stitched up first by x and then by solicitors - he helps me cut the grass which I can see is at the expense of his own care for himself - he works one day at the weekend in a less than minimum wage job to get some money and the school is moaning at him that he is not doing the best of his ability -they have asked me what is he doing with his time at home ?

I can tell you what he is doing he is trying to survive - he is trying to survive in an environment( private school) that his DF wanted him to go to - why ? For his own ego? - he is trying to keep up with his peers emotionally and financially - after his DF bailed out due to his own inadequacies in himself!

I have seen displays around town for end of term "thank you teachers" I have lived with my school reports all my life "green beret could do better if she tried harder" no one knows what goes on at home - behind closed doors - we provide an image to the outside world that is acceptable - we are all doing fine!

I could post pictures on here that shows the real truth - no we are not doing fine - we are dragging ourselves along by our fingernails and hoping to Christ we will make it!

All people in so called positions of responsibility fuck us up - teachers parents and also in my case legal profession- why do we have to fucking thank them - kids are trying to teach us something - when are we going to wake up - I think I have just woken up today!

You sound petulant and playing the blame game quite frankly . I'm sure I'm not the only one here who is feeling slightly sorry for your ex and kind of understanding why he ignores your messages.

Honestly, just try backing off a little. Your kids are old enough yo have their own direct contact with their dad.

Has anyone asked your DS what he wants to do?

Sounds like you are the root cause of your son’s problems. Take some responsibility and grow up.

The whole post sounds a bit narcissistic I'm affraid OP. IF your son has a Saturday job why has he no money to buy himself some trainers or clothes? Where does the money go he earns?
Perhaps your son and your daughter are struggling with trying to cope with your worries and bitterness towards their father.
Its a shitty hand you have been dealt but sometimes youbjave to try and pick yourself up and get on with life and make the best of what you have.

JUst what I bloody need to hear - I hope to God that none of you ever find yourselves going through what I've been through and then for half a dozen people to come on here and say grow up and you sound like you are narcisstic.

No wonder MH issues are on the increase if this is a reflection of what's going on out there in the wider world.

How about the father taking responsibility for his kids instead of trying to screw me over - yes right now I am bitter angry whatever you want to throw at me because I have spent the day putting together an application to try and get Ds school to reconsider a discount on his school fees -

Maybe that's the reason for some of these barbed comments disguised as support -

Maybe some of you just rollover instead of standing up for yourself to bullies, professionals whatever - one day I hope to be able to come on here and say fuck you lot that said I need to grow up look what I achieved!

From your other posts you were divorced about 4 years ago now. I think if these battles have been going on for the last 4 year's your children have suffered enough. If your children's father insisted on them going to private school and now takes nothing to do with it, then perhaps you should put them into mainstream school so you can afford clothes and shoes for them?
I still can not understand why your son helping you cut the grass would mean he had to give up time on taking care of himself.
The thing is a lot of people have been through what you have been through and worse.

Not divorced 4 years - FH 18 months ago - yes my kids have gone through enough - but it's not over yet - oh I tried to get them into mainstream school for GSCEs but cunt took me to court for them to remain at PS - court order supposed to protect me for school fees fucking useless - kids were going to go to college - Ds last minute breakdown so kept him in PS -

Doesn't matter if you don't understand what I'm saying - I don't doubt there are those that have been through far worse but this doesn't make my feelings less valid - in fact that could be classed as being slightly abusive if you do that often -everyone's is entitled to feel how they do whether you get it or not, have experienced it or not or whether you think they are wallowing in self pity - otherwise known as empathy - severely lacking in a lot of cases!

You have posts that say you separated in 2014.
No it doesn't make your feeling anymore invalid but if your children are asking you for nothing when they are walking around with holes in their clothes and shoes then maybe they know too much.
You said your son has a job so where does the money from his job go?
Are you saying you have been left to pay for PS completely alone? Surely you get maintenance or financial help for school fees if your exh insisted on your children going to PS?

Yes seperated in 2014 not divorced - did I say holes in clothes? Shoes yes!
He's saving it currently - is that ok ?

Surely I get maintenance or financial help - do you not believe what I am saying?

So separated 4 years then wether the papers were signed or not, separated 4 years ago. So it should be over for your children now.

You haven't really said anything. If your exh took you to court so the children could stay in PS, he must have some responsibility to pay towards this, if not, how did the court expect you to pay this alone?

If the way you speak to posters who are kind enough to take the time to answer your many repetitive posts is the way you speak to your children or your ex or the school or anyone else, I’m not surprised your life isn’t how you’d like it to be.

At least you admit your anger and bitterness. That’s the first step. You’re an adult woman. Stop belly aching about how unfair everyone and everything in your life is. Just stop it.

And if you don’t want people to recognise you then change your username. Though your unique posting style will still probably give you away. I’ve rarely seen anyone on here with less insight and more of a victim mentality. But you crack on, keep bitching and moaning about how you’re the one who’s being hard done by and how your life is the worst ever. I hope it gives you an outlet. And we’ll see you back here in a couple of months with more grievances.

I’m hugely empathetic to your poor children. Living with you must be utterly exhausting. Can’t help thinking they’d have been better off going to their dad’s when you were threatening to kick them out. He might be able to give them some pointers on how to handle you.

There is a whole big beautiful world out there. You’ve been blessed with two healthy children who still need you. You’ve had a shit time I’m sure but you’re the mistress of your own fate from here and it’s A CHOICE to dwell on the past forever or to try another way and take some responsibility for what happens. Your children will grow up and leave home to build their own lives. What are you going to have left when that happens? Bitterness, pain, regrets? Or self sufficiency, responsibility for yourself, optimism and hope, hobbies, friends, adventures, experiences? It’s YOUR CHOICE. Behaving like this and thinking like this is making you ill, it’s festering in your heart and soul and destroying what good there must still be in your life. Try to draw a line, look to the future, put the pain and hurt behind you because you’re mainly hurting yourself but your kids are suffering too!

I don't get on with my ex -we don't speak and rarely communicate.
However, he is an utter arse, of the highest order and it's me and the court who have stopped communication from him.

However, I don't get irate about him or when he's unreasonable do anything more than pull up the drawbridge.

I don't communicate with him because he was and is abusive -but not to me as I won't create contact.

Your son is 17 -very simple don't contact your ex. He can deal with anything. I don't understand what their is to communicate about? Access is sorted -here set times and places for drop offs and pick ups. I don't speak to him. I speak to my children -hi, let's go etc. He says goodbye -to them and that's it.

My children know nothing of finances.

They are encouraged to see their father and be polite to him. That's all.
If they don't want to go -they phone and tell him and they don't go. I don't get involved.
I do make sure their rooms are reasonably tidy -it's my house.

Drugs such as antidepressants are highly useful as are counselling.
Teachers on the whole want their students to success -so please don't slag them off.

I'm not sure what the money situation is -but children are children -they do not need that worry -aged 13-17. They have enough worries. Clothes wise, if you can afford it -take him out Saturday morning to primark or wherever and buy him 2 pairs of decent trousers, shorts, 5 t shirts etc. couple of pairs of trainers etc.

I agree with your counsellor -stop with the ex. You don't need to be bitter. Revenge is moving on and being happy.

You can not change the past- only the future. Accept, learn and move on.
Please continue with counselling, see your GP, stop having a go on other posters -trying to help you. Children do not have all the answers. They ARE resilient - but they do not have all the answers or loads and loads to teach us. Of course families are really the only ones that know what is going on inside the house- they are the living there. But no -children are not adults and do NOT need the minute details of money problems. Nothing wrong with a budget I have £150 -let's buy you some clothes or whatever.

I am concerned by your post and your MH -you need support in RL.

Timeslipping - sorry can't be bothered to explain myself to you - if you are really that interested read my other posts.

AnneLovesGilbert - I'm not asking people to reply to my posts - my situation is what it is and I'm allowed to be angry for as long as I choose to be - "just stop it" - sorry - this is making me laugh! I have to stop because you say so?

I don't give a shit if people recognise me and I have purposely kept my username the same.

I may have a victim mentality because believe it or not I am a victim - victim of emotional and financial abuse by my X - and a victim of emotional and financial abuse by my legal representation!

I don't recall saying my life is the worst ever - I'm not going to go into detail for your benefit of before and after but if I feel like I have been shafted I am going to keep saying this - this is never going to change and whilst I still get letters from CMS re an appeal, whilst I am still trying to give my kids the life that was planned for them the emotions get triggered time and time again.

Yes this gives me an outlet _ the reason why I do it and maybe just maybe somebody else will get some help from my posts. Everyone says abusers never change so why should the abuse have stopped because we are divorced. If the x couldn't give a shit whilst we were married why is he going to suddenly think you know what I'll stop the abuse now!

Pointers on how to handle me? - sorry you are making me laugh again he's a coward - couldn't admit he was having an affair - tried to make out no one else was involved - why do you think these men do this - to save my feelings? Nah because they are bloody weak - have lied, cheated and most of all betrayed their kids!

As for your last paragraph you have no idea about me - mostly I post on here when I am struggling, when I need to get the shit part out of my head! My x read my posts - he may still be doing so - he pays for the kids phones so no doubt he can see all messages I send them and the kids email addresses are linked under him so he can probably read all emails too - there's no way I'm posting the rest of my life on here! But as I have said one day l will!

Thanks bertielab for your concern - you know parents are for life - it doesnt just stop when they get to 18 - there are a whole lifetime of events yet to be determined - some of these will probably require us to be present together if this is what the kids want - I will be able to attend these with a clear conscience knowing that I tried time and time and time again to keep some form of communication going - despite the pain I suffer knowing he could not give a rats arse about me despite 20 years of marriage. This is all for the kids benefit not mine the kids as without them I would have been long gone.

I'm not interested in revenge - I'm still angry that he is abusing his kids by his actions and I am still angry re my legal representation. As the kids get older he will have less control over them and my anger will diminish - once I have exhausted my options re legals I will put this behind me and I will be done!

No thinking I should have done this or that - or if only - I will have done my best - not out of bitterness but out of love for my kids - maybe some of you do not recognise the difference!

No I am really not that interested I just think it's very sad that from the attitude you seem to have, you are probably the main cause of the problems your son is having. Even if you are just ranting, which a lot of people do on MN, it is clear that you are causing a lot of your own problems.

Like I said, crack on

Keep wallowing, keep wailing, keep ranting, but maybe don’t pretend you’re doing it as a favour to anyone else. You could always buy a diary and vent in private rather than on a public forum where people will inevitably comment.

I think you like having people disagree with you. It perpetuates your woe is me, no one knows how hard my life is thing. So yes, you’re wrong. Divorce doesn’t ruin children. Obsessed, bitter parents who let circumstances define them and don’t move on do that.

Oh bugger I just lost my reply!

To sum it up - my attitude responds to the attitude of the poster.

Yes I could write in a private diary but as I have said hopefully someone gets something out of this - and I know my posts have resonated with some - this is no pretence. I got help and understanding from reading others posts long before I came on here - isnt this what MN is for?

I find it rather arrogant that people seem to know me better than I know myself based on What I post on here without having the slightest idea what goes on in the rest of my life.

Like I said I post on here when I'm struggling when yes I am probably woe is me - but I have depression- it is also clear that there is a lack of understanding as to how depression manifests itself - yes still ! Hopefully you wouldn't say to someone feeling suicidal that they are just seeking attention but from your comments I'm not so sure!

People can comment as they like but if assumptions are made about me that are not correct I'm going to put them right. At one time I would have recoiled from this not anymore - so this is also a record of how far I've come!

Actually I don't give a shit if people agree or disagree with me - I don't need anyone to validate my experience or what I feel and if you want to continue to bash me when I do post on here in the depths of depression - well what does that say about you?

I believe divorce impacts on children - some kids are lucky to come out unscathed _ others not so - you just need to look at the threads on here from adults still struggling to come to terms with their parents behaviour. in fact though you are probably right it is not divorce that ruins children but parents full stop - whether they are married or divorced - that are incapable of putting their kids needs over their own, that are incapable of unconditional love, that are incapable of understanding someone else's feelings even though they are not their own - I know where my weaknesses are - do you and more to the point would you admit to them - on here you know in a public forum - nah I thought not! Don't fall off your pedestal know will you !

I could post pictures on here that shows the real truth - no we are not doing fine - we are dragging ourselves along by our fingernails and hoping to Christ we will make it!
What pictures?
This is not the way children should be living. As a mother you should be creating a positive environment for you children, not a tedious struggle through life.
By the sounds of it your son struggles with his own mental health problems, he really doesn't need your stresses and burdens along with his own.
It sounds like a very toxic environment.

😀

he may not mind the holes. My silly teenage son had holes in his one pair of school shoes for 2 years. He would not bother to replace them and said they fitted well (he had no interest in how he looked because he was so happy and carefree which was quite refreshing) so don't assume teenage boys care too much about holes in shoes although I always made the point about water getting in when it rains and how in the old days you would put cardboard in there to stop the rain coming in.

I am afraid the posts come over as if you need a bit of help to cheer up. Divorce is one of the best things to happen to my children by the way.

I remember you posting, with such indignation, that the courts expected you to eventually get a job and help financially support your children. You seem to think that you had a right to be financially looked after for the rest of your life. You plaintively pointed out that you needed an afternoon sleep so how could you possibly work? It does come across as entitled.
I am sure that if you tried a bit to help your children and to be a bit more self sufficient, you would feel so much better about yourself. You sound so very angry and bitter and it can't be good for you. Taking a few positive steps to help yourself and building a new and independent life is the best way to survive. You will get lots of real help and advice on MN about developing life skills to help you leave the bitterness behind and to start afresh. Good luck to you and your children.

Thanks Xenia for the shoe hole story - I'm hoping one day I will be able to say divorce is the best thing that happened to my kids too - but right now we are still caught in It

I've had depression for over 20 years - I receive PIP in recognition of how it effects me - had I not been a SAHM my X could not have achieved what he did - I cooked cleaned washed did everything for him except wipe his fucking arse - so he could focus on his business -did I mind mostly no - I was always there for my kids and it meant I could sleep when I needed to - and I say need to - without this I become irritable and cranky - this is me! Yes now I can say I should have taken time out to prepare myself for divorce But i didnt know this was coming - entitled no I don't think so - shafted yes!

Thank you for your wishes of good luck

I've just read this

They will cheat on you, lie to you, cultivate their next relationship long before you are aware, and move on their next partner at blinding speed without a thought for you. They are famous for never leaving the bed cold as they cannot tolerate being alone. And you will always be at fault.

This describes how my marriage ended -it also probably describes how my relationship began and how the X's girlfriend must have felt at the time

It has come from an article on borderline personality disorder - I am quite shocked - I am the one with MH isssues - I always thought I was in the wrong - but reading this I am not so sure - makes very interesting reading - it comes from this if anyone is interested www.quora.com/Can-a-twin-flame-have-borderline-personality-disorder

A lovely way to talk about professionals who are probably doing their best you sound so cynical.

Emotions are hard for everyone post divorce and the ripples go on for years and effect everyone.
Try to have as little communication as possible with your ex, any CM or SM should be paid directly in to your account. Anything to deal with at school, your ex should be having his own contact with school, you should not have to be a go between, if not have this set up.
Your son is old enough to communicate with his father independently.
Teenage boys are a mystery, yes messy rooms, and bad communication. My son for some strange reason used to wear his converse until they fell to bits but I left him to it as he liked them.
Try not to off load too much on your son, but I am sure you know that.
Finally try to 'live your best life'.

Flipping heck.

OP, I agree with what’s been said to you above. What’s your share of the responsibility in the divorce and subsequent poor relationship?

You sound like hard work. You’ve mentioned having mental health problems, what help have you sought for them apart from an afternoon sleep? Living with someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own mental health and seek appropriate help is reasonable grounds for divorce in my opinion.

You aren’t putting your children’s needs first. It feels like you want to keep them suffering and living shit lives so you can say to your ex: ‘See what YOU’VE done’. This is awful parenting, and signs of low empathy and narcissism.

As an aside, why do you use such odd punctuation? No full stops or capital letters, using dashes inappropriately, are you from the U.K. originally?