Help me leave my abusive husband

[sad9999]

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

Why are you even speaking to him OP? Who cares what he wants to do! Who cares what lies he tells any future girlfriends. They will only be after his money anyway, not him.
Leave him to it! Arrogant arse. Stupid old man!
This should make you even more determined to get all that you are entitled to in your divorce from him.

He texts me random thoughts !!!

You can block his number or consider getting a new number so you don't end up dreading hearing the ping!

I'd get a cheap PAYG phone just for him. Give him the new number so he can text about the DC, but block him on your main phone. You don't want to be getting random shit from him. Tell him to get a new GF if he wants to drivel at someone.

As PP says, who cares what your ex is thinking. He doesn't deserve you or your DC. He's a crap DP and a crap DF. Let him stew

I am so deeply sad for you but encouraged that you are asking.
The question is can you leave? If so make a plan.
Get a new bank account ASAP. Get a solicitor.
Once you have a firm plan ask your children. They aren't babies.
If they come fantastic if they decide to stay it's awful but they are making an informed decision.
I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you have a shoot of happiness.
Awful decision but a necessary one. Best of luck and get out. NOW.

His 'random thoughts' are calculated darts to try and hurt you.

Find another woman? Sure, he may well do. But who really cares if he does? Not you! After all, you know what she's in for, poor thing!

I agree, block him. There's nothing you need to communicate with him about right now anyway, is there?

I will be free by my 50th birthday yes old but stilstiltime to enjoy life

This is your chance Sad. You can do this!!!

The children will come around with time. And to be honest you have to do this for them. Your son has to see that women should not be treated this way before he turns into a man. And your daughter has to learn the value of women also to help her in her future relationships.

You are actually doing this for them as well as yourself - remember this.

Your ex-bloke is out of control and you deserve your life back x

Hopefully he’ll get another girlfriend OP. He’ll lose interest in the kids once he has another female massaging his ego, chances are he’ll send them to you ! They won’t realise the negative effect he has on them until they’re away from him and experiencing some normality.

At 50 you are not old!
Loads of time to enjoy life .

50, old? Not by a long chalk! I'm 60 and living a helluva life! Kids grown and gone, I'm retired, with time to do what I want.

Once you get the hard slog of the divorce out of the way and the dust settles a bit, just you wait and see the opportunities and the fun that awaits you!

Good for you across the pond x

I hope you don't think I was being 'braggy', sad. I didn't mean to sound that way.

I just want you to know that life WILL continue for you. In fact it will get better at some point. Right now it's just one foot in front of the other. Don't try to look too far ahead right now. Just remember that you are working towards freedom. There will be time enough to decide what to do with that freedom later.

No didn't think you were bragging at all. Really pleased you are enjoying life

Things have gone backwards with Dd aparently I am a money grabbing cow

The DC are just repeating the lies he is saying. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you but it will be worth it

I hope so must admit am wobbling

You are doing amazingly well OP.
YOU know the truth, HE has been financially abusive (have you changed your salary to be paid into your own account?) One day the kids will know all this too. They are repeating his lies. Just say it's not true, but don't get drawn into an argument or justifying yourself, don't rise to it. You are so brave.

Hi op, I've just read the thread.
I wanted to say that your nasty husband sounds a lot like my DP's father, he tried to alienate them against their mum and she had to leave because of his horrible abuse of her. He couldn't cope and my DP and his siblings are no contact with him now, they see exactly how nasty he is.
Him and his siblings were fairly nasty to his mum in this time and it's his biggest regret, they're all so close to MIL now and she's an amazing woman for having got out. Her getting out meant eventually they all did. My DP is now the loveliest man and doesn't want to be anything like his father, his mum leaving definitely highlighted the behaviour and meant he's a great man now.
Stick it out op, you're doing the right thing!

Omg this is so sad. This man is the worst kind of narcissist. He has worked on you for years breaking you down. You have admitted to yourself and recognised the pattern, it’s a vicious cycle that never gets better even though you tell yourself it will. Honey please please don’t listen to anyone or even yourself, that you should have gotten out years ago. I was in a similar situation and was lucky enough to attend a course after u left that helps domestic abuse victims. I felt like you, why did I put up with it for so long, is it my fault, did I ask for this by staying? First and foremost whether you believe it or not, he needs you more than you need him. Your financially providing, your slaving away, your doing everything for him and the home. What is he contributing? Only abuse. One of the statistics I learned for women that keep going back to abusive relationships or women that stay put longer than they have to is, “that it takes a women suffering from domestic violent upto as much as a dozen attempts to leave before she finally goes through with it for the last time and final time. So no honey there is nothing wrong with you, your absolutely normal. Years and years of thinking it will change, it will improve, where will I go, what will I do etc. It’s a whole process and has never been easy for anyone who has left an abusive relationship. Be prepared it won’t be easy even after you have left because that’s when the healing process will begin. All the steps similar to bereavement, anger, frustration, guilt. You have to mentally prepare yourself because believe me leaving may seem like the easy part, or the part you feel you need to be really brave for but that’s just the start of a journey where you will have to find the strength to overcome the years of damage and heal your soul. It will feel daunting to begin with, not like you the end of the problem, running out into the horizon and feeling freedom but believe in yourself and trust me you may have heard it many times but it’s the truth. Time is the biggest healer. He has used up every tactic known to describe a narcissist. His tactic to always make you feel worthless so you feel you have no where to go and no one that wants you, turning your kids on you is vile but it’s another tactic to make you even more isolated and alone. You need to get the Dr on your side and disclose everything. If he touches you again you call the police but as long as you feel comfortable because I don’t want you to put yourself in danger. Once you leave you will need some kind of paper history. Drs reports and police reports can help you a long way once your are out. Controlling the finances is his empowerment so what one person said to you get all the legal advise you can and clean him out. You have to have a clear head and a plan of action what you need to do. I know in your mind you must have thought about it many times about getting away, your scared and the unknown is always scary but once you have your freedom you will find yourself. You need to find a support group where you can attend once you have left. I know I may be confusing you so One step at a time. Please don’t blame yourself ever, and wonder where it all went wrong. No matter how many times you have the chance metaphorically speaking to go through this marriage it would have ended the same way. I know as a mother you love your kids and don’t want to leave them behind but your no good to them under these circumstances, and the way he has turned them against you, they will blame you for everything. If they wont be harmed by him then it’s best to let them see his true colours when you are no longer there to bully. Trust me once you are out of there he will treat the kids like his slaves and they will want to come to you.
I left an abusive and toxic marriage 6 years ago and I recently helped a friend of mine leave an abusive and toxic marriage. I feel your anguish and pain.

Thank you for sharing. I know it is the start of a long road just wish I was further down it

Btw the first thing he did when I left was shack up with a new girlfriend. That relationship went kaput 9 months down the line. She was younger and prettier and he did it to prove a point. She drained him for what he could give her at the time and then told him to stick it after the first few arguements they had. That’s when he tried to convince me to come back. But by then me and the kids (all under 8yrs old at the time) were in a new home and I had control over my life for the first time. No way was I going back. So after several months he gave up and again shacked up with a young woman. Even members of her family moved in with them and he had to put up with the them because he couldn’t afford to lose another relationship. Now several years down the line we are civil with each other for the sake of the kids and via court order he has them every other weekend. He has 2 young kids from this woman and her mother and father live with them. He has to work 50-60 hour weeks to afford the mortgage, pay maintenance and provide for his new family and is constantly complaining about his health and how he is always in pain. To top it off he has to cook for himself or live on takeaway because the other family are all vegans and he is a non veg. A far cry from when we lived together and I earned a full salary and did all the housework and cooking and cleaning and paid 60%-70% towards the household expenditure as he was self employed back then and his income fluctuated from month to month. Makes me laugh when he comes to pick the kids up and I have cooked the kids a full meal and he watches them finish their dinner and get ready to leave with him or when he drops them off and I tell them what’s on the menu. I swear I have seen him licking his lips several times. He looks old and haggard now and has put on so much weight. So no I do believe justice is served in the end. So to speak.

Honey each one of us who have lived through it started from somewhere. This is more common then you would think. Believe in yourself, you will cripple him when you leave him. It’s him that needs you and I promise you time will show you this. Yes he will badmouth you and put you down to everyone who will give him the chance to open his mouth. Let him rant and rave but keep your dignified silence. If he can’t get a reaction out of you he will know he can no longer break you. He has no control anymore. Pm me and if you need to talk I am here for you xxx

Keep going sad ... you’re showing enormous strength and setting a great example to your kids.
They will be feeling very mixed up with everything that’s happened. Your dd sounds as if she’s still easily influenced by her dad who will have realised he will have to give you a decent settlement rather than the peanuts he was originally offering you ! So he’s probably told dd that you’re a money grabbing cow. Don’t get drawn into arguments, don’t feel you have to justify yourself. Just give the clear message that living with abuse is unacceptable. Stay strong ... you are doing great !

You have done SO WELL

Wobbling is NORMAL
You have to take it one day at a time. So stop thinking into the future and just focus on now. So just think "Today, I am not going back" and then do the same again tomorrow. Repeat until the wobbles pass. And they will.

Thank you for your support