Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/06/2018 09:30

Just take it one day at a time, it's a marathon not a sprint Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2018 12:45

What was it Churchill said? "When you find yourself going through hell, keep going ".

Original poster
sad9999 · 23/06/2018 16:32

I will my life would be hell back with hm so no alternative

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 28/06/2018 20:49

Saw my children d 2 days whilst dh was away they were very subdued and seemed confused. Dh was texting them instructions constantly

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/06/2018 20:53

Urgh hopefully they will ask to come and live with you soon Thanks

Original poster
sad9999 · 28/06/2018 21:14

I don't think they are allowed to. See dh briefly he looks old and tired

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 28/06/2018 21:35

Remember that he will try all kinds of tactics to make you 'see sense'

He will tell you he can get anyone - his life will be amazing without you = trying to make you stay out of jealously Hmm

He will say he wants to make things better = When he realises that he is sole parenting right now and it's HARD

He will tell you that the kids will hate you and you have lost them and it's your fault = this is bullshit. They are confused and vulnerable right now and currently he is the most influential partner (because they are living with him). The best advise I can give you here is to keep being you. Keep telling them you love them, explain that the years of abuse have warn you down and in some ways it would be easier to stay but that you have to show them that this is not how a relationship works. But don't go on about how awful your H is. Be dignified. Tell them that their relationship with their dad doesn't need to change.

Eventually they will see that he is the one who is bitter, spiteful and vindictive and they will come back to you. I have seen this happen at least three times now.

But mostly, keep on keeping on.

Original poster
sad9999 · 28/06/2018 21:47

I hope you are right

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/06/2018 22:50

My DSD's mum had residency and would stop her dad seeing her, sometimes for months. She would say anything to try to break the bond between them. She told her daughter that "Daddy doesn't want you any more now he's got a new baby " A cruel and heartless lie. But many a time the poor man wept over it.

I told him that he just needed to go on being the loving, loyal parent he was and his daughter would know the truth.

Anyway, when she hit her teens my DSD told her mum she could see her dad as often as she liked, as she didn't need a lift anymore. It was brilliant. She and I are still really close.

We never ever ran her DM down. We left that behaviour to her DM. We didn't join in. Your kids will notice the difference - that their dad is nasty about you, but you are polite. My DSD felt safe when she talked to us because we never repeated anything to make matters worse. You need to be the safe, reliable parent. God knows they need you!

So don't worry that your DC will stop loving you. They won't. Though sparks will fly - and so they should - if the little darlings call you a cunt when you're looking after them. Totally unacceptable. Angry

eggncress · 28/06/2018 23:58

That’s great you saw the kids! 😁
They will be confused but just tell them you love them and reassure them this is not their fault.
They will want to be with you eventually. It doesn’t matter if they’re allowed or not ; they’re getting to the age they can make the decision themselves.They will be seeing how calm it is with you and how manic and stressfull it is being with their dad.
He will be telling them a pile of lies about you yet when they see you they will doubt him. This will add to their confusion as they re evaluate the situation.
Keep it up op ... you’re doing great !

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 06:34

Don't feel calm have told them both that can come to me anytime

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/06/2018 07:13

Your DC have been conditioned their whole lives to side with him for self preservation. It will take time for them to break free, but they will Thanks

Staying wouldn't have changed anything, he was still poisoning them, now they can witness a life away from him.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 08:25

It will take time to have a nice home for them though I should have done it years ago

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/06/2018 16:27

But you will build that nice home, Sad9999. Because your love and devotion to your DC shines out of everything you say.

Your Ex is not like you. The DC will not receive the care and love they get from you and, even if just for selfish reasons, they will want to spend more time with you.

Just like yours, the Ex of a friend of mine trained his DS to call her a cunt. I still can't understand why he didn't realize that he was harming the boys he claimed to love so much.

Over time, once they were divorced, she and her DS became close again. Tha name calling stopped and the DS reassessed their DF. They are nearly adult now and hardly ever see him.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 18:12

Really not sure just had ds I the phone saying please don't take out all of dads money

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/06/2018 19:08

God, your Ex really is a pig. He doesn't care how much he worries your DS, does he?

Don't take any notice. He's treating his own DC like hostages, ffs. And make sure you take all the money you're entitled to. It's your money. The DC won't go hungry.

What will happen is that if you stick to your guns, he will lose interest in the DC. He only wants them because he knows you do, so if you grit your teeth and try not to react he'll find actually doing the parenting - all the little things children need doing for them, a bore. A PITA. And then he'll chuck it in.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 19:35

I really hope so. If not then I will have to accept it and try to enjoy my life

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/06/2018 20:47

Just say "Son, you needn't get involved in the divorce. It's between Dad and I and I'm sure we will come to an amicable agreement". Rinse and repeat for anything he says to the kids. The truth that the divorce negotiations may be 'unpleasant' is not something they need to hear from you.

The main thing is to not discuss the nitty gritty of divorce with the DC, make them no promises, and let them know in a roundabout way that their dad shouldn't either.

They'll figure things out in the end.

You need to be the island of calm and reason amidst the shit storm that is your stbx.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 21:07

I am a mess just had ds on the phone saying I never want to see you again you fucking cunt

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/06/2018 21:26

I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but when your DC are abusive like this, I just wouldn't engage - so that they realise that foul-mouthed insults don't get them any attention or reaction.

Otherwise I would do as AcrossthePond suggests.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 21:39

Dh has just texted me he is not selling the house if i try and get more than half a milliin the kids will not have nice things and will not have holidays. I hate him so much right now he has destroyed my life

OP posts:
Joey1925 · 29/06/2018 21:43

This is bound to be emotional for him DS. As I think you’ve said previously he’s confused. I would give him time and he’d come back to you. Did he say why he was so upset?

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 22:05

Because he won't be able to have music lessons if I take all the money

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/06/2018 22:10

All you can do is respond “l love you son. I’m sorry you feel the way you do. My door will always be open to you”. Remember, never JADE (justify, apologize, defend, or explain). He won’t ‘hear’ you and anything you say will be repeated to stbx who will twist your words.

Remember, calm in the eye of the storm.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 22:20

I know you are right but I just want to make his life better

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread