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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
Tiddleypops · 05/06/2018 05:16

Can he come to you at your sisters? That must be so tough on you OP, but please do not go back or your husband will be rubbing his hands with glee and up his abuse Sad

Original poster
sad9999 · 05/06/2018 05:26

It is to far for school in the summer he can

OP posts:
Monday55 · 05/06/2018 05:32

Well done for leaving OP.

Do not reply to any of his messages unless it's an emergency regarding the kids. The kids are his pawns and he knows they're your weakest link so tread carefully.

smartiecake · 05/06/2018 06:24

Stay at your sisters and keep the communication open with your DS. When you are free and have your own home it will be so different. Well done for staying away. Don't go back. He will make your life even worse. He is panicking now that he has to do everything at home that is the only reason he wants you back.

eggncress · 05/06/2018 07:22

The abuse will continue if you go back.
You have a chance now to be free of him and to help your kids.
Block him from your phone but stay in contact with your kids.You need to go no contact with him.
Read about the cycle of abuse
If you’re struggling phone WA but please just stay away from him

cestlavielife · 05/06/2018 08:48

Your d's can come at weekends to you at your sister. He is not a Small child. He can get bus to you.
Do not go back.
You have to stay strong.
This is your chance for a new life.

Get your solicitor to start work to get ypur share of finance.
Look at rental flat You have an income you can get a Small flat to start.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/06/2018 10:36

DS wants you to come home because that's what his father is telling him to say or because he misses the things you do for him. That's not the same as missing you and wanting you home for yourself.

Stay where you are. DS can come visit you if he misses you that much.

Davespecifico · 05/06/2018 10:43

I agree with acrossthepond. Do not return to live in that poisonous environment. If your son would like to see you, arrange to meet.

The children will be fine. You are there for them to come to.

Original poster
sad9999 · 09/06/2018 21:47

They hate me apparently I left them he is poisoning them

OP posts:
nomoremrsniceguy · 09/06/2018 21:52

The hardest bit is deciding to do it. You need to communicate your decision calmly and persistently to those around you and take it one step at a time. Ensure you are safe. Don't bitch about him to the kids. Accept help. Keep going. You can regain control of your life. Good luck OP.

eggncress · 09/06/2018 23:05

Hope you are ok OP. You are doing the right thing for you and the kids. He will try to poison them but as long as you still have communication with the kids you can keep putting across your message that you have left an abusive environment ( him) and haven’t abandoned them, that you hope they will one day join you, that they can join you tomorrow if they wish. Show them you are strong and keep telling them you miss them and love them. Going back will be doing no one any favours. Keep posting here Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2018 23:32

But he's poisoning them against you whether you are there or not so what's the difference? Why subject yourself to his abuse?

Stay where you are. At this point there's nothing you can do. If you return home you will be miserable and abused. If you stay away you might be miserable (for now), but you won't be abused and you'll have a bit of peace.

If your children are telling you you 'abandoned' them then say "No, I left a situation that was intolerable and was destroying my well-being. You know how to contact me and I have offered to see you outside the house. That's not abandoning".

If he's telling you that you have abandoned the children, tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
sad9999 · 10/06/2018 19:34

Thank you I am holding on to the hope that as he us very selfish he eventually a get fed up of doing everything when he is used to being waited on

OP posts:
smartiecake · 10/06/2018 20:26

He sounds totally vile. I doubt that the kids are happy with him. I hope you have managed to get things sorted with finances and a solicitor. Keep communicating wih your kids if you can. One day at a time

eggncress · 10/06/2018 21:13

He will get fed up doing everything and having to take responsibility. The kids will get fed up with him and he will be raging at his loss of control over you ( and ultimately, the kids)
While you are away from him are you seeing a lawyer to secure a good deal for you and the kids? Be sure not to accept anything from him as payoff. You can be almost certain he would be ripping you off.
Women’s Aid may advise how to get him out of the house.
It’s best not to be in contact with him at all. Force him to communicate through a lawyer so he can’t bullshit you, manipulate , threaten you or use the kids to emotionally abuse you.
If you do ever have any concerns for the kids’ safety you must call the police rather than go back yourself. Don't fall into any traps he may set for you.

Original poster
sad9999 · 10/06/2018 22:36

I am trying ti come to terms with the fact might have lost my children

OP posts:
eggncress · 10/06/2018 22:52

Are the children still communicating with you ?

HonkyWonkWoman · 10/06/2018 23:51

I doubt very much that you will lose your children forever.
If you are in contact with them, just tell them that you love them and that they can come to see you any time they want to.
But at the moment I am sure that he is controlling them, just as he controlled them to be abusive to their Mother.
You are actually fighting for your life here OP!
Be strong, stand firm and win! Then your children will come to you.
At the moment they are staying where they feel secure with the one with the power and money.
You are going to make that change Op!
You will be your own woman!
Let no-one disrespect you ever again.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2018 00:00

I don't think you have. Right now they're being influenced by him, but eventually they will begin to see him for what he is. Just keep the lines of communication open, don't push, and speak your truth as best you can.

Original poster
sad9999 · 11/06/2018 01:04

Ds is talking dd isn't

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2018 15:37

That's OK. Let her come to you in her own time. You've given your children a sound foundation, even though you may not realize it and even though they aren't showing it.

You are right that your stbx will get tired of having to run the show single-handedly. He'll either expect the DC (especially DD) to take over your duties or he'll start bitching at them over having to actually be a parent. Either way, they'll being to see daylight.

Just slowly work towards getting your own place where, at some point, they will have the option to live with you if their behaviour warrants it once they get sick of him. Take your time, take it easy.

Original poster
sad9999 · 11/06/2018 21:51

I am struggling just want to be with them

OP posts:
eggncress · 11/06/2018 22:37

Sorry OP I know it must be very difficult for you. By taking yourself away from that abusive environment you’ve shown great strength and courage. You are giving that message to your kids now... that you are strong and won’t put up with abuse from anyone.It’s making them think about things...in their own quiet moments. They will be missing you too but it has to be for the right reasons, not because they want their skivvy back. You need to keep reinforcing the view that you miss them and want to see them but won’t tolerate abuse.
You have done incredibly well by moving out ... please stay put. Don’t move back to be abused and accused. You are worth more than that. It will take time but one day your kids will have their light bulb moments.
As pp said ... take it a day at a time.
Get some legal advice meantime. Many lawyers give free 30 min consultations ... it shouldn’t cost you a penny at this stage. Don’t be frightened to at least find out your legal position. Your h won’t know unless you instruct them to take any action. It may even help find out the legal position with the kids because he has abused and manipulated them too.

Original poster
sad9999 · 12/06/2018 00:30

I know you are all right I am sure this is parental alienation. He is so so nasty

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2018 00:37

In the US (where I am) parental alienation is actually legal grounds for losing custody/visitation of the children. Not sure about the UK. You really need to speak to a solicitor, although I'm sure the ages of your children may come into play as they are teens.

But for now, realize that you are playing the long game and the long game is freedom for you and a life lesson for your children. Nothing is going to change by you going back. You will be miserable and your children will learn that it's acceptable to abuse someone because there are no consequences. Not only that, but your children may also learn that abuse is 'normal' in a relationship which could lead to them not only being an abuser, but also to being a victim.