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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 21 22

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:

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Itscurtainsforyou · 02/06/2018 00:20

Stay strong. You've put up with his abuse for so long now.

smartiecake · 02/06/2018 06:38

Well done OP for staying so strong. Don't go back. The abuse will continue. Hope you have managed to sort your wages and bank account.

HonkyWonkWoman · 02/06/2018 08:28

It won't change sad!
Don't be tempted to go back. He only wants you back now because he knows that you are entitled to a lot of money. He thought he had you so beaten down that you would never have the guts to get away and stand up for yourself.
Stick with it and see the Solicitor as arranged.
You will be able to have a lovely life, free from his abuse and anger.
The kids will come round once they see you as a strong woman.

HonkyWonkWoman · 02/06/2018 08:30

Tell him the only silly thing you've done is putting up with him for all these years!!!!!

RandomMess · 02/06/2018 08:34

Don't go back it will be worse than ever, he just won't want to give you half the marital assets!!

Horsedogbird · 02/06/2018 08:40

Encouraging your children to call you a call fucking cunt, seriously? Don't ever go back!

sad9999 · 02/06/2018 22:43

He is still playing games think he is panicking about having to do everything

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/06/2018 22:48

Of course he does. Want you back. He will try the nice "don't be silly" approach.
Then he will get mad and threaten all kinds of things.
Stay firm. Speak to solicitor.
Don't get engaged in conversations eith him
Can you email dc and just say you hope to see them soon.

sad9999 · 02/06/2018 23:25

Itvis hard miss them so much

OP posts:

Tiddleypops · 02/06/2018 23:32

Stay strong OP. Don't engage with him unless you really have to. Presumably you can contact the kids independently of him and as PP says let them know you hope to see them soon. It's open ended then, they are old enough to act upon that and come to you. Good luck. You have done the right thing. Your children will come to respect you for your strength

eggncress · 02/06/2018 23:54

Stay strong OP... well done for leaving but don’t be tempted to go back because things will continue as before.You have now made a move. See it as a move to free not only yourself but your kids too. They are victims also but they will come to you eventually when they realise his game. You are the one who shows them love and does everything for them and they will realise this. Just be patient. He will break under the strain of having to do everything as he’s not used to that. He is being forced to take responsibility.
Make sure you see a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners.
Meanwhile call Women’s Aid for support and advice. They may be able to help you with advice regarding the kids .

Joey1925 · 03/06/2018 00:48

Sad999, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I hope your sister is looking after you.

I've only read a few of the posts but one thing stands out and that is that your salary goes to his account. I believe that is classic Coercive controlling behaviour which is actually now considered a criminal offence - read this - www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship. Even restricting your use of social media or seeing friends is controlling coercive behaviour. Depending on where you live there are organisations that offer weekly/fortnightly open days where you can meet with lawyers and specialist police officers and other professionals who specialise in this type of abuse. If you're in Kent it is called Choices.

Another post I read was encouraging you to break into his safe. I wouldn't do that as you then would be breaking the law. Instead ask him to produce paperwork via your solicitor. If he refuses he would then be forced to produce it through the courts. If he has your passport or documents that belong to you then that would be another example of Coercive Controlling behaviour. If he has just go to the police. Let him face the consequences of his actions. Your kids would then be forced to live with you if your husband was not around to look after them.

I hope it works out for you.

sad9999 · 03/06/2018 07:34

Thank you. Planning to stay here next week then I will have to go to work and be in the area

OP posts:

eggncress · 03/06/2018 12:22

Please call Women’s Aid while you’re off work. They should be able to advise you on the situation with the kids. I am not an expert by any means but if he is encouraging the kids to swear at their mum surely that in itself is a form of abuse against them? Just a thought.
They might be able to offer you a refuge place meaning you don’t need to go back home and then the kids could join you ( as I’m sure they will want to quite soon).

sad9999 · 03/06/2018 23:28

Daighter still beong vile he is poisoning them against mee

OP posts:

eggncress · 03/06/2018 23:41

You need third party help here OP. He will be poisoning the kids against you. He’ll be telling them you just abandoned them and don’t love them etc. That’s why I suggested you call Women’s Aid asap. They help children and young people too.
I don’t think you can deal with this alone.Give them a call for the sake of your kids ( and for you obviously)

AcrossthePond55 · 03/06/2018 23:54

Stay with your sister if you can. Are you able to commute to work, even if it's a long commute? In your place I think I'd rather have a 3 hour commute each way than to live in the hell hole that is your 'home'.

At this point you may want to see if there are any other solicitors in the firm of the one you want to have who can see you earlier. Once your H realizes you aren't coming back he's going to be hiding assets as fast as he can.

Is there any way you would be able to tell if the house was empty so you could go get some of your things when H is at work and the DC are at school? Also a good time to do a document search.

As far as 'stealing' docs, remember that you don't have to give the actual docs to your solicitor. You keep the copies and just tell her "He has XXX asset at YYY place". Or you can provide a handwritten list. She can take it from there as far as getting him/his solicitor to provide copies. And if your name is on these assets, you should be able to get copies from whatever entities has them. And if you are the 'owner' of the asset, you should be able to move it. Just remember that it is a marital asset so don't spend more than you must to survive. Talk to your solicitor. It sounds to me as if there is a great deal of money involved and you will need expert advice.

sad9999 · 04/06/2018 00:04

I phoned women's aid they told me to leave to put myself first so I can help the kids later. He has it all the house the money the kids. I have nothing. He won't cope long term. He rang me today to ask how I was going to conttribute to looking after the kids.

OP posts:

Tiddleypops · 04/06/2018 10:11

Just tell him you are not willing to discuss it with him at the moment, he already has all your money.

He'll tell you black is white and white is black. He's wrong and you have done the right thing. You are entitled to your fair share of the house and your joint assets. You shouldn't discuss this with him though (you'll just end up in the black is white argument). Just stick to not discussing with him. Your solicitor will do this. Have you got an appointment with her? Sit tight until you've seen her. Can you request some special circumstances leave from work?

eggncress · 04/06/2018 12:24

Stay put OP. If staying with sis is not a longer term option have you thought of where else you can go?
Are Women’s Aid still in touch ?
They would normally put you in touch with a support worker.
Agree maybe try get some special leave from work... or even annual leave?
Your h will not like the fact he can’t still abuse you. He will feel he’s lost control.He won’t like the fact you are not there to cook, clean and generally be everyone’s skivvy.It means he’ll have to start thinking about doing these things himself.
He will also have to look after the basic needs of the kids which he’s probably not done before... yep... he won’t cope for long!
Things may get worse with the kids for a while as he moans at them and blames you ( they’ll believe him at first) because they’ll need shopping done for them, they’ll need to be fed etc, and that’s aside from the extracurricular stuff which probably won’t happen. Initially the attempts to blame you may work on them but hopefully, given their ages, they should start to question their situation and realise Mum’s a whole lot more pleasant to be with. I had hoped Women’s Aid would offer you support with this too though.
They will be able to put you in touch with lawyers who have experience of abuse and you may be entitled to legal aid.

eggncress · 04/06/2018 12:26

Try not to talk to him( except through a lawyer)
Keep any texts you get from him though.
I hope you still have contact with kids. Just let them know you love them... it will get through eventually.

HonkyWonkWoman · 04/06/2018 13:01

Stop speaking to him OP!
He is still bullying you!
He rang me today to ask how I was going to contribute to looking after the kids
Tell him nothing, keep away from him!
He is trying to scare you into returning to the abusive Hell that you have escaped from.
Stay strong OP for God's sake, you're life will not be worth living if you go back!

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Singlenotsingle · 04/06/2018 16:28

Just go! Never mind the ifs, ands and buts! Sometimes you just have to protect your own sanity and health. Kids will come sooner or later.

Singlenotsingle · 04/06/2018 17:40

Ah, you've gone! Well done!

sad9999 · 05/06/2018 05:13

Ds wants me to come home.

OP posts:

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