Help me leave my abusive husband

[sad9999]

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

Yes ... keep on going @sad999.
Keep the messages from Arsehole and show the to your lawyer asap, get it logged ... it’s in your favour if it goes to court
Hopefully he’ll Lynch himself .
Don’t be intimidated! Money matters more to him than his own kids.

All saved. Just read the threads hope she is really happy now

She really is! Went through hell, came out the other side triumphant and happy. She's living a great life, free of Mr NSTBXH.

Just to endorse Acrossthepond's excellent advice. She's said everything I would have done, and more.

I would strongly agree that you will not lose your DC. It's tougher for you because you're alone, with no one to reassure you when you doubt yourself..

I was in total support of my DH and when he wept over yet another horrible phone call I would promise him that if we just kept calm, never ran his Ex down and were the truthful, reliable adults in the situation, that his DD would eventually know the truth. It took ages - can't remember precisely. It's a long time ago now. Something between 6 months and a year. But it worked. Very well. Her DM was so abusive and unreasonable that my DSD soon got sick of the drama her DM was creating all by herself - because of course we didn't join in.

Long time ago though... My DH is dead and my DSD (to whom I'm very close) has made me a DSG. Twice.

Does she still see her Mum

No way to that offer. He is squirming because he knows you are entitled to so much more. It's not his money it's family money. He has destroyed the chance of that with his treatment of you. So it's fair game you take your half of everything! Your kids will come back to you, they will be watching this and will see that you can offer a much happier life once your on your feet!

Just worried how long it will take it he plays games. Will they be so damaged by the process

Aaargh if i dont accept his offer he will take them out of private school with immediate effect. DD is half way through her gcses how can he be so selfish. apparently they will know it is my fault. I have asked him if we can just pay next year's fees so that money is safe for her and nobody can touch it. He is refusing....

Be honest with your kids op.
Tell them the abuse he put you through and that HE is refusing to pay their school fees etc. My MIL got to this point with her children and it helped them get away from him too. My DP's father had been EA to them too and they couldn't see it (they just thought they were the problem).
Get them on your side op. It's time to be honest.
I'd probably take the money too, you'll defiantly be entitled to more but a clean break sounds ideal. I'd say it's enough money to buy a small house for you all.

Or let him try and keep up with all the things you do and your kids will soon realise.

I think you need to stop discussing any of it with him go grey rock "I need to discuss things with my solicitor, the sooner you complete the financial declaration form the sooner I will be able to understand if it's a fair offer"

Yes, I agree. I think it's time to block him. Don't give him an audience for his threats. Is there anything he says that you really need to hear? It's only abuse and threats and you've already decided that you aren't going to give in, so why even hear his vitriol?

You need to stick to your guns. Getting your fair share means that he will never be able to hold things over your and the DC's heads again.

I know you are all right. If dc were with me would be easier

I agree about telling your kids what’s really happening and that he’s been and is being abusive towards all of you. Also that it’s his choice to withhold school fees ( if he does )
Your kids may blank you or give you some verbal abuse but once they’ve heard it from you it’s sown the seed in their heads. They will gradually, perhaps,over time, start to process that.
Also perhaps ask the if they think it’s ok/ normal for them to treat you like this and do their friends do this with their mum?
Might get them thinking!
Tell them it’s the result of abuse from dad.
And all you’ve done is get away from his abuse.

It's blackmail. Plain and simple. I'm afraid you absolutely cannot back down.

You need to say all future communication to go through lawyer. The kids are old enough to communicate with you directly. Block him everywhere today.

You are right he is still play his mind games and trying to control......

It might seem easier, but then again at this point you really aren't hearing anything positive from either him or the DCs. You don't have to block them, just him, for now.

Yes, my DSD still sees her DM, Sad9999. But things have changed. It was a long process, which I'll describe.

After she hit her teens and could get to ours using public transport, my DSD told her mum that she could no longer keep her apart from her dad. So she stopped trying. Then for years my DSD had free access to her dad and we never said anything critical about her mum.

During that period my DSD gained a realistic view of her mum's problems. She saw that she was a very unhappy woman and that the problems in my DSD's childhood had been her mum's doing. She became very close to both her dad and me.

But we never ran her DM down, which meant my DSD felt safe to discuss the problems she had with her DM and ask our advice. Her relationship with her DM improved and eventually, by some miracle, her DM started to mellow about the whole situation. She stopped hating us. Saw us as OK.

Then my DH got terminal cancer and died. It took a year. After he died my DSD's mum told her "Prawn and her family won't want you any more."

But that wasn't true. I love my DSD, and she's sister to my DC. My parents love her too, and my DBs. We all do. And of course she was still part of our family. My parents helped pay for her to go to university. So nothing changed.

That was the end of the bitching. My DSD's mum kinda melted. She calls me her DD's second mum now. She calls me her friend.

She can still be a total PITA, not to me but to my DSD. Manipulative, controlling - just like your Ex. So when she's kicking off my DSD rings me and gets it all off her chest, knowing that I'll sympathize but will never breathe a word to her DM. And most of the time she's fine.

My DSD is married with DC now. I did the Father of the Bride speech at her wedding and her DM complimented me on it.

It's been quite an experience. What they call a journey these days. And worth all the effort and heartache. I love my DSD.

Oh, and by the way, if there's as much money sloshing about as you say, Sad9999, I would have thought you could borrow the money for the school fees knowing you're going to have no problems repaying it. Not that I'm any expert. But I bet there are women here who can advise you what's likely to be possible.

I had reassured both children they can stay where they are. I will pay I will try and keep some stability in their lifes. How dare he tell them such a worrying thing he is a complete bastard

You just have to stand firm and make sure that everything you say to your DC is calm and truthful. Never run your Ex down, because it's not fair to ask your DC to take sides. Be the safe, reliable parent.

They may be abusive for quite some time. That's how he's trained them. But underneath they still love you. You have to teach them to respect you.

It's great that you have been able to tell them that their schooling is protected. You're doing all the right things. I only wish you had more real life support. I don't know how my DH would've coped without me.

My family are very supportive just wish I could stop crying

It’s great you have managed to reassure the kids re their schooling. It reinforces in them the idea that you are strong, capable , independent and confident.
I agree with Prawn not to slag off their dad. But there is a difference in slagging off and being truthful regarding him being abusive. There is no point pretending he has behaved well when he hasn’t because that can be more confusing.
I was clear with my 2 dcs about their dad’s subtle tactics and the effect it had on us all. He never really showed an interest in them anyway and being told the truth about his behaviour I think helped them understand their feelings( or lack of) towards him. They still see him but aren’t really that bothered tbh.
I always made it clear that he is still their dad and to decide for themselves how often they want to see him. But to be aware that he may try to manipulate them ( he has, but they recognise that now and know how to deal with it)

De-lurking because I’m so outraged at the school threat! “With immediate effect” is utter bullshit - you have to give a full term’s notice so he has to pay the autumn term fees anyway. MAKE SURE you have a record of this threat and show it to your solicitor as every family court judge in the country will take an EXTREMELY dim view of this.

Judges aren’t stupid, and they’re fully aware of the lengths a parent might go to using children to control and manipulate a partner. They’re also fully aware of how very damaging this is for the children, and they come down on it very hard. This happened to a friend - her violent husband decided to divorce her, was very surprised when she put up a fight about money, and made their daughter testify about her mum’s ‘unreasonable’ behaviour. Judge saw straight through it immediately.

Every time he does something vile, just think of it as more ammunition for your solicitor.