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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 04/07/2018 22:04

I do worry

OP posts:
eggncress · 04/07/2018 22:43

Don’t think that far ahead. This is probably the worst bit.
Hopefully by next year you’ll be in a good position to look after the dcs. Try to be positive.

Certainly, moving away from h is a positive move although there will be times that you don’t think so

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2018 00:17

Yes, don't borrow trouble. Concentrate on today and the steps you need to take to legally rid yourself of him and claim your share of the joint assets.

Original poster
sad9999 · 05/07/2018 08:52

Part of me wonders of I should just sit it out for 4 years till the dc have left home and then divorce him knowing I tried to help them through their exams

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 05/07/2018 13:29

They might not be in the position to move out in 4 years though (my son is still with me in his 30s Hmm ). You will end up by wasting your life (and theirs) that way.

eggncress · 05/07/2018 14:17

You’ve done the most difficult thing which is to move out. Don’t undo it now.
If you show weakness by going back it’ll be 100 times worse.
Why subject yourself to another 4 yrs of abuse?
For so long as the kids are abusive towards you, they also are being deprived of a proper relationship with their mum ( that applies whether you are living with them or not)
They need to be freed from their dad’s control.They need to fully appreciate the value of everything their mum did for them( and dad doesn’t)

Keep going and follow this through. Remember all this is due to your h’s decision to be abusive. He didn’t have to treat you badly but he chose to and it’s impacted on the kids. Don’t let him off lightly !
It’s tough but you are doing great!

blueangel1 · 05/07/2018 14:34

And to add to what @eggncress has just said, I think you need to be away from your DCs to help them realise what a vile shit their father is, frankly.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2018 15:06

But how much more emotional damage will be caused to you and to them in that 4 years? No, far better to get out now and establish that 'safe haven' for them (and for you) in your new home.

He isn't going to change the way he behaves one jot whether you are there or not. You can't 'protect them' by being there, because his abuse of them is that they witness his abuse of you. At least this way they aren't seeing him abuse you day after day. And there will be a peaceful and accepting home (yours) to contrast with the abusive chaos that is his home. They'll get it. It'll take time, but they will.

Original poster
sad9999 · 05/07/2018 21:15

Thank you. He is still offering money and kids half time !!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/07/2018 21:16

Will offering the kids is meaningless as you know due to their age and he can renegade on it.

Has the financial offer increased yet?

Angryhe is so nasty!!!!

Original poster
sad9999 · 05/07/2018 21:28

No it is a take it or leave it offer. If i fight it theb i will loose the kids

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eggncress · 05/07/2018 22:32

It’s not up to him whether the kids see you or not though!
He knows how vulnerable you are and is playing on what he perceives as your weakness. You know what they say about abusive types... they will find out what makes you tick or what worries you and use it against you.
That’s the very reason you should not be conversing with him at all.

There is no guarantee you will get the kids 50-50 either. He will cheat you. Be very very careful.

Did you contact Women’s Aid again?
I think you need real life support because he seems to still have a grip on you.
WA are a wealth of information and useful tips and they will know how to deal with this manipulative man.
He’s trying to wear you down even more so you agree to a bad deal.At the moment you can’t see that because you have this fog around you. I’ve had it too but believe me, one day it will clear and you’ll be able to see the wood from the trees.

I would advise you go no contact with him.That way he can’t bombard you constantly.

You need to be able to relax so you can think clearly.Thats not possible while he’s harassing you with these texts.

Ignore him.

Original poster
sad9999 · 05/07/2018 22:37

Yes contacted WA but keep hearing horror stories of people loosing their children to foster care. I feel totally overwhelmed and so so tired.

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eggncress · 06/07/2018 00:19

I know you sound worn outFlowers
You have everything happening at once... legal stuff/ divorce, him bombarding you with manipulative and coercive texts, kids sending you accusatory messages ( which is really him reinforcing his own messsges)
,you can’t see your kids so you don’t know what to do for the best.
For now, focus on YOU and getting your freedom ( and fair share of assets) Your kids will eventually get their light bulb moments.Dont let him use them as bargaining chips. How awful is he to say you can see your kids if you accept a crap deal?
How awful of him to his kids,saying they can see mum but only if she accepts a crappy deal ?
If you don’t feel you can block h for whatever reason ( maybe you think you won’t hear from the kids either?) then just ignore what he says.
One thing at a time ... a day at a time

blueangel1 · 06/07/2018 13:58

Some of it might depend on whether the offer is one you could live with. Does it give you enough to get a reasonable house and live? If so, it might be worth it just to get rid. DP ended up letting his evil ex off with a fairly large chunk of debts just to get her off his back.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/07/2018 17:25

The problem with it, blue is that OP is still in shock and dealing with a boatload of issues surrounding the separation, abuse, and her children.

No offense intended to OP, but at this point if it were me, I wouldn't be sure I could make that judgement. It might be too tempting to take a less than fair offer just to stop the harassment. Accepting a first offer right off the bat just to 'get rid' isn't usually wise. Now, perhaps a few months down the road once the dust has begun settling (and with the help of a solicitor) I'd feel I was in a better position to judge if a settlement offer was something I could 'live with' and live ON!

Original poster
sad9999 · 06/07/2018 17:40

I think you are right acrossthepond I just want it to stop. In the other hand the chance to rebuild my relationship with my children is priceless. If we battle it out for a year will I loose that chance for ever ?

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AcrossthePond55 · 06/07/2018 20:33

No, of course you won't! You need to remember that you are playing the 'long game'. Your children now are too young to understand the abusive situation between you and their father. They cling to their father because he has successfully manipulated them into thinking his way by playing "Lord Bountiful, fount of all that is pleasing".

But someone like him can only hold that pose for so long. Eventually one of them will do something he doesn't like, love someone of whom he doesn't approve, and all hell will break loose. Or they will mature and realize that something in his 'version' doesn't ring true based on what they know of you. And they will turn to you for your version, and they will believe you.

That's why I feel it's important to be that island of calm amidst Mr Arse's storm of abuse. It doesn't mean you have to take abuse from any of them. It just means that you don't stoop to that level, that you defend yourself with calm truth and a stand that you won't allow them to abuse you. There are still rough seas ahead. This may take a year, maybe less maybe more. But the point of it is that in the end your children will be healthy, balanced adults because you were able to be the rock they will need.

Original poster
sad9999 · 06/07/2018 21:43

I am so grateful for your posts acrossthepond. After so 2 decades of being controlled I am a bit lost and struggling to make decisions xx

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AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2018 01:49

I'll bet you are! And that's completely normal, given what you've been living with! Of course you doubt yourself!

It's baby steps. One small decision at at time. My abusive ex (no children) had me so beaten down that I could think for myself either.

Right after I finally kicked him out I went to a shop and saw a packet of pretty hair pins, they cost around $2.00 US. I wanted them so badly but just couldn't put them in my basket because I didn't deserve to have something nice. I stood there staring at them fighting with myself and finally I told myself to STOP thinking like that! I grabbed them and tossed them in my basket. I actually felt scared, like I thought that someone would come along and grab them and say I couldn't have them! I marched up to the till and paid for them. And those silly hairpins were actually a 'break through' for me. I did deserve nice things! I was a person with a brain who could make her own decisions and the sky wouldn't fall in! I turned a corner that day. I still had work to do and was in counseling for around 18 months, but those hairpins started something in me.

I still have one of those hairpins, almost 40 years later. I keep it in my jewelry box.

You'll have your moment. Just keep taking those baby steps.

Original poster
sad9999 · 07/07/2018 18:39

So glad you for those hair pins xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 07/07/2018 18:39

You got

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 07/07/2018 20:05

Latest message reads screw me up finacially by going for more money and I will make sure you loose the kids for ever. I wish he would die

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AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2018 20:55

I know it's hard to see them, but please, please keep these messages. The same with the messages your children send They will be very helpful if you end up in court. They show him to be a petty, mean, vicious man who would hide assets to screw you and is trying to turn your children against you. The judge will NOT like that!

He's actually quite stupid to put this shit in writing (or on voice mail). Whenever he spews this shit, just keep repeating "Right, arsehole, keep that ammo coming!!!".

TBH I wish he would die, too!!! But since life generally doesn't work that way, we'll just keep on keeping on (KOKO), shall we?

A few years ago there were a string of thread by Wellwhoknew that were in letter form to her ex, basically a diary of her divorce. They were brilliant and she triumphed in the end. Wonder if they're still around?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2018 21:02

Found a couple of them:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2076472-Dear-STBXH?pg=1

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2200462-Dear-NSTBXH

She's got a wicked sense of humour and an engaging writing style. She's also given good advice on other people's threads.