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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

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Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 10:19

I have told them xxx

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kaitlinktm · 03/07/2018 10:47

Then I think that's all you can do Sad9999 - except keep on saying it every so often. If you throw in the towel and go back, it will reinforce all their father's lies. It is hard now - maybe the hardest part - but perhaps to win them over, you have to let them go for a little while. What do you think?

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 10:49

I don't think I have any choice. Hopefully one day I will have my own house which they can help make a home

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eggncress · 03/07/2018 11:54

sad9999, think of it this way: at the moment you have lost them whether you are with them or away from them. You lost them the day they started verbally abusing you.
Going back won’t get them any closer to you.
Like pp said it’s a case of self preservation, they’re frightened he’ll turn on them / deprive them of money etc if they don’t go along with him.You need to keep working on getting them back and you really are doing so well. Just keep it up and remember this whenever you’re tempted to go back.

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 11:57

I have contacted local a agencies for counselling and a freedom program. Going back would be easy in some ways but would also be totally devastating

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AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2018 15:07

It often happens that the 'easy road' in a bad situation is the wrong one.

I'm glad that you're going to start counseling and the FP. I think it will help you immensely.

I know you can't see 'over that mountain', but others who have been where you are can.

I know you've spoken to the solicitor about where the DC are to live. Have you spoken to them about the financial end of things? You really should. I think if you get a good idea of what you can expect financially and it proves to be enough to set up that new home you want so badly, it will give you the courage you need to move forward to legally ending this abusive marriage.

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 15:43

Hard to say I have no idea of assets. I know we own the house so half of the money from that would buy a nice small house. In terms of other assets dh would argue he had more before the marriage so should take more. He does have a large pension fund. Just weighing up so I take half a million or do I go for a fair settlement !!

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AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2018 16:47

This is where the solicitor should be able to help. If you are dealing with a lot of money (and it sounds as if you are) then the solicitor can hire a forensic accountant to ferret out the details of Mr Arse's accounts. Their speciality is finding hidden assets and they are very, very good at it!! Remember that it was an accountant fronting around in Al Capone's finances who put him in prison! A judge will also demand Mr Arse to provide a detailed financial statement and woe betide him (and his solicitor) if it's determined that he's hiding money!

As far as what Mr Arse thinks he deserves because of what he brought into the marriage, let a judge figure that one out! I'm in the US, so I wouldn't venture a guess on that. But don't think for a moment that he hasn't already gotten legal advice. And I think it's safe to say that his solicitor has already told him he can expect to hand over a hell of a lot more than 500k if you end up in court!

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 17:20

Solicitor advises going for a full disclosure but for just getting out tempted to just go and start with the money on offer

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eggncress · 03/07/2018 17:29

Go for fair settlement ... better for you and the dc and takes some of the power away from him.
Half ( or more of the house)
Half pension
Half the business
Half any savings

Bet it’s worth more than the half mil he’s offering !

You will end up equal to him in terms of money and be able to afford a comfortable lifestyle.
And you’ll come away knowing he hasn’t taken the piss.

Not sure what the situation is with regard to assets held before the marriage. Maybe someone else knows.

bambooopanda · 03/07/2018 17:41

@sad9999 I would go for fair settlement. It forces him to change as well even if it’s not the way he needs to. He won’t get to sit there and say told you so but also your dc will have to have to change in some ways too. During this time he will 100% show his true colours and your dc might still ignore the signs but deep down they’ll know they also don’t want to live like that.

This may or may not be the first tome you’ve stood up for yourself and he’s not going to like it. If things get worse make sure you have all passports and marriage certificates readily available and also some cash that is only yours. Have numbers of anyone who can help you on your phone too.

Flowers
AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2018 18:27

Listen to your solicitor!!! He/she is better placed to know what's right. He/she can see things with a dispassionate eye. Right now your judgement is clouded (not surprising!) and you need someone who can see things in the clear light of day.

In this case taking what appears to be the 'easy' way out would be a disaster for you. Your goal is to secure enough so that not only are you not financially dependent on him, but your children aren't either. The only way to do that is to secure your fair share of the assets so that you can be the one the children turn to when their father uses money to control him. Imagine how nice it will be to be able to say "DS/DD if your father will not help you do XYZ, I will!".

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 18:43

True but already the commwnts have started you are stealing all of dads money

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/07/2018 18:48

Sad9999, I appreciate that you have been beaten down and demoralised by your horrible husband but please, please ,think!

If you get what you're legally entitled to in your divorce this represents not just freedom and potential happiness for you but for your kids too! You'd be mad to sell yourself short.

eggncress · 03/07/2018 18:50

Listen to your solicitor ... it will take longer but will be worth it and hopefully one day the kids will thank you for it.
Easy option means you won’t be in as good a position to help your kids and they’ll remain under his thumb.

And he’ll walk away laughing.

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 18:57

You are right. Thank you for your patience. One day at a time one step at a time. This time next year hopefully near the finish line !!!

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eggncress · 03/07/2018 19:09

The comments about stealing Dad’s money are straight from soon to be xdh’s mouth.
It’s not from the kids. He’s been fuming about it and they’re repeating it to you.
Remain calm when talking to them. Don’t get into arguments. Don’t feel you have to justify yourself.
If you think it will help just remind them now and again that they are welcome to come stay with you and you love them.
It’s bound to be confusing for them too.

Yes hopefully this time next year you will be in a better place !Smile

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/07/2018 19:15

Oh, yes, those are definitely DF's words. I didn't even think that the DC came up with them.

Sad9999, it's going to be all right. It's going to take nerve and patience, but a whole new life awaits. Your DC will take time but I'm quite sure they'll come round. How do you think they'll feel when they realise they no longer have to jump through their dad's hoops? That they can live peacefully?

blueangel1 · 03/07/2018 19:57

@Sad9999 - my DP has had this issue with his narcissistic ex. His two youngest kids kept reporting that he was getting an "unfair share" of the divorce settlement and that he was paying no maintenance for the youngest DD (17). This was not true.

Keep everything that you get on paper from your solicitor and the court, and then you can show this to your DCs as required. It will be hard for STBXH to lie his way around this as you're not likely to force official documents.

Tiddleypops · 03/07/2018 20:44

Nothing much to add @sad9999, but I think you are so brave and you are doing so well. One day at a time Flowers

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 21:55

Really appreciate the support

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allwrite · 04/07/2018 18:58

I suspect I am not alone in reading this and wishing I could be there to stand by you and give you some support, you sound so beaten down.

Difficult though it may seem, though, you need to fight on for your children's sake. They might sound like their father's mouthpieces at the moment, but don't forget - they have minds of their own. Underneath all those nasty words, they still love you, but aren't allowed to speak up and say so.

I don't know whether other people's words ever inspire you, but have you read Maya Angelou's 'Still I Rise'?

I will be thinking of you and wishing you the strength you need to tackle the next step towards freedom for you and your children.

Original poster
sad9999 · 04/07/2018 19:24

Thank u. Not sure they love me. Despise would be a better description. Hopefully will change with time. Will have a look at the words

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2018 19:50

They are victims of his abuse, just as you are. It's just that in their case the abuse is feeding them lies and emotionally blackmailing them to 'hate' their mother. They don't despise you, they are under his influence to think they do.

Give them time. The will see the truth, eventually.

Original poster
sad9999 · 04/07/2018 21:54

I do e that it is my eldest child's gcse exams next summer

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