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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2018 14:26

He can’t be trusted. You know he can’t. You must get a solicitor. They also have ways of sussing out hidden assets.

You can agree to walk away with the clothes on your backand he’ll still poison the kids. I guarantee it.

The best thing you can do is get your fair share and create the best home with as little financial dependence on him as possible. That way the kids will have a home to go to where they will be under no pressure to conform to his wishes. Because he will think he has the right to order their lives, choose their uni, their career, and he will use financial blackmail to do so. Do you really think he won’t use the things they love to control them? He will. Especially when it comes to their relationship with you.

Be strong and be tough. You can be a fighter. You’ve already proven that simply by getting out.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 14:45

You are right he already had them both choosing the same career as him. He has talked dd out of trying to follow a career I know she would love

OP posts:
Mk1234 · 02/07/2018 17:22

You are worth so much more...these people should worship the ground you walk on ...you are an amazing person who gave birth to 2 children and you run a household. How dare this man treat you like this... and get your children to abuse you too . What a sheer and utter lowlife. Save, get your self out of there, go to the council if you must, your children are old enough to know better. What are your children like at school? You should tell their teachers about their behaviour. I have a tough word with my students when their parents complain to me. Please be kind to yourself...Smile

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 17:27

They behave at school

OP posts:
Cutyourshakehole · 02/07/2018 17:47

I have only read the original posters comments and not everyone else’s yet.

Well done for leaving.
I would put money on your kids leaving him and coming to you in the future. hold on tight and try and not rise to their bad behaviour . He is well and truly fucking with their heads but they will wise up eventually when they see him for what he is. Don’t get involved in tit for tat about him, keep it simple. Explain to the kids the relation was not normal. How unhappy you were and that his behaviour is unacceptable. That you will always be there for them and are leaving because of his abuse and not because of them.
When they realise that they are better loved and cared for in your new home I think they will come around.

You are doing so well

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2018 18:46

He has talked dd out of trying to follow a career I know she would love

And there you go! Proof positive that he needs to be in control of everything. The kids will tire of that, especially since now that you're out of his control, he'll have to turn all that attention on them. He won't be able to help himself!

Maybe a small wedge for your DD? If you get a chance to drop hints about the career she really wanted and how we need to follow our own hearts when we can. Nothing heavy duty, just if there's an opening.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 18:49

I have tried that and I just hear his words parroted back

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2018 19:39

Well, then leave be. There will come a time when she'll remember your words.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 20:37

The thought of never meeting their children or going to their weddings is to much to comprehend

OP posts:
Cutyourshakehole · 02/07/2018 21:19

Live for now and try not to think too far ahead

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 21:26

What a mess. I just want to be part of their lifes

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2018 22:30

And you will be!! Give it time. Things are still new and Mr Fuckhead is trying to stir the pot to bring you to 'heel'. Please, please don't think that far ahead. So much can happen in the next year, let alone when your DC are starting their own families!

Concentrate on today and tomorrow. See a solicitor. So much weight will come off your shoulders once you've had legal advice.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 22:33

Seen a solicitor. Because of their ages they can choose where to live despite the manipulation and the many years I have spent as the primary carer giver. I don't know if I can do this. If i go back at least I could see them

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 22:52

Life has been very hard recently trying to work and keep up with all the household stuff and all the running around to activities. We haven't had any fun days out recently. Maybe they are me as a boring servant

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 02/07/2018 23:09

Please don't accept his offer. He will pay you the token amount then continue to manipulate the dc.

What happens next time you do something he doesn't like? He will continue to mess with their emotions and you will be severely financially worse off.

Will he support them in uni if they decide to studs something/somewhere he doesn't like? What about where they choose to settle down? Will he help with a house deposit if he doesn't approve of the location or their partner.

You need to consider that by having a fair share of the money you will be able to support your dc yourself. He will lose the ability to control them and well as you.

RandomMess · 02/07/2018 23:10

Don't go back, they need you to be the role model that shows them they shouldn't put up with being abused Thanks

Living with Dad will be horrible, they will come around!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2018 23:12

It’s not about court ordered residency. You’re right, they’re of age to decide that for themselves. It’s about getting your fair share of the assets so you can create a home for them to come to WHEN (not if) they realize what their father really is.

Sure, you can go back and see them. And they will call you names and verbally abuse you, just as their father does. Do you really think that is the best thing for them? Because they will be taught from that that abuse is acceptable in a relationship. It may turn them into an abuser or a victim. Or is the best thing for them to see that their mother will not accept abuse, that she will not put up with it and will not stay where she is not valued. From that, they will learn that people are not to be treated badly, and that the right thing to do if someone does not value them is to walk away.

As mothers, we know that often the most important lessons we teach our children are sometimes the hardest for us to watch them learn.

Ginkypig · 02/07/2018 23:33

This is bigger than not seeing your children, (for no, you will!) You have to be strong enough to teach them even though it's breaking your heart because he never will.

In the short term they may very well not want to see you and their fathers manipulation will probably cause them to treat you badly but in the long term once they see you in your new life, being strong and free and beautiful and they don't have you as s buffer from his behaviour they will see the truth and drift back to you.

Hold on to this when you feel like going back.

Only I can teach my children this valuable lesson because he has shown he never ever will.

By leaving

I will teach my son that his fathers behaviour is never ok and he won't believe that he should/can repeat it with his own wife/partner.

I will teach my daughter that her fathers behaviour is never ok and she will believe she is worth better than that so hopefully will never get stuck in a relationship with a husband/partner who treats her this way.

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 05:56

Thank you for listening. At the moment he is playing Disney dad by the sound of it. I know he can cope in the summer holidays but really do think long term he is to selfish to do so. I keep remember our holiday last year. Going for walks meant the 3 of them together and me excluded. I did all the cooking etc. He just wants a glorified slave

OP posts:
eggncress · 03/07/2018 08:42

It’s early days yet OP. Let him play Disney Dad. It’s all a front. I would bet that behind the scenes things are not so great.

Meanwhile you should work with your lawyer to get your fair share of assets.
It’s the money that allows him to manipulate the kids so you should ensure he has much less of it.
See it as a transfer of power from him to you.Then you can use that power in a positive way.

Go speak to the bank about the accounts in your name that he controls. Stop him having access to that money (if the money is still there and you haven’t already done so ) Don’t be frightened to do this in case he bad mouths you to the kids. He’s doing that anyway. However, they will secretly think that Mum’s no longer to be messed with and its showing them that you have some power and control too now.
They may not admit it but they will start to respect you.

bambooopanda · 03/07/2018 08:49

@sad9999 your dc will come back to you. They will respect you for leaving)z they won’t have seen it coming and a h like that the household will probably fall apart as soon as you’re gone.

I grew up in a house like that. Me and my dsis were told our mother was stupid and lazy. Just a housewife useless and should be brushed aside at every opportunity. We went with it and called her stupid all the tome said she’s stupid her opinion doesn’t count.
It was all our dads brainwashing. I wish to god she’d left sooner. She didn’t she’s still there. But we’re not the same. We are adults now and understand that’s not ok.

One thing our mum did though was agree to the put downs. She even used them as an excuse for why she couldn’t get work etc, when it was my dad saying she couldn’t work. I would definitely stand up to your dc and say don’t talk to me that way I’m a human being and I don’t deserve to be spoken to that way. I think that would have helped me realise sooner and shocked me into thinking a different way.
Please get out op. You’ve already lost your dc right now because you’re not showing them it’s not ok to be treated this way.a controlling partner will try to control your teenagers. Trust me in that most teenagers cannot be wholly controlled at any tome anyway and once you’re gone they will be running your way once he tries his tactics on them. He will. He’ll have noone else to bully.

Original poster
sad9999 · 03/07/2018 08:54

I hope your mum gets out one day xx

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 03/07/2018 09:08

Someone said this upthread, but it's the truest thing on here:

Your DC have learned to side with him for self-preservation. It's a simple as that. Whether they recognise it overtly or not, they understand that he is a bully, and as long as it's you on the receiving end, it's not them.

A part of them knows that if they stick up for you, he will turn on them. And they have seen what that looks like. This is nothing about love or preference, I promise you. It's self preservation 100 percent.

What they need is the confidence to stand up to him and you are leading that by leaving him. They will come back.

bambooopanda · 03/07/2018 09:14

@sad9999 you deserve better.

kaitlinktm · 03/07/2018 09:43

Perhaps you could text/write to them along the lines of:

"I love you very much and always will. You are always welcome to come to my home (when I get one) and live with me if you want to. Everything I do is so that you can have a better life. Remember that there are always two sides to every story".

They might reply rudely, but you have said it and they will remember.

Please don't go back. Flowers