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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

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RandomMess · 02/07/2018 10:32

At the end of the day I would at least make a counter offer in terms of money and residency.

Do you claim child benefit at the moment - if not because he is a high Warner do it ASAP.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 10:32

He has a huge pension and lots of savings. I have a smaller pension. I work earning a lot less than him

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Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 10:33

He could give me the money without selling the house

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RandomMess · 02/07/2018 10:39

You need solicitor advice.

I really wouldn't accept anything yet!

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 10:42

As I have no idea of assets hard to tell if a good deal. I imagine it will be a very good deal for him. My problem is I want the kids in my life

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Wallywobbles · 02/07/2018 10:51

What did the lawyer say?

You need to get all these messages saved and printed. And make a dossier of everything you can get in writing.

I would beg/borrow enough money to rent a place near enough school.

Then get the police to accompany you to the house and take all your stuff and half of communal stuff as far as possible. While you are there try and get paperwork.

Tell your kids your new address. Ask them not to give it to him. Cut communication with him except one email. Get a new phone number. Tell those that count. Not him.

Any offer from him is going to be a bad one. He has the money to hire a good lawyers so he will.

If he treats the kids badly they'll come to you quicker.

There's a thread on here about someone self representing for court. Prepare yourself in the manner she's been told.

clumsyduck · 02/07/2018 11:06

He sounds such a prick . He's clearly shitting himself and trying every tactic going to try upset you and get back control.

Don't agree to anything ! Tell your solicitor everything you have put on here ( well am sure you already have ) you have video evidence of the shouting and swearing etc .

It will all come out in the wash, it will be clear that he is essentially emotionally blackmailing the kids in order to hurt you .

Keep going op your doing amazing Flowers

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 11:21

I don't think anybody can advise due to the lack of info.I think he wants to keep what he sees as his house and his pension. He probably knows I would get a lot more if we go to court. My worry is the kids. If this way I see them and can be part of their lifes and he behaves is it worth it !

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eggncress · 02/07/2018 11:21

You will get 50/50 of the childcare anyway. It’s not up to dh surely.
What he means is if you accept this ( probably paltry offer) he’ll stop manipulating the kids against you ? ( blackmail)
You are more likely to offer the kids a good home and lifestyle( that they’re used to ) if you get what is rightfully yours... 60% of house, half his pension , at least half of any other other assets.He could be worth 10 times more than what you think and you don’t want to be struggling in years to come.
The kids will come round eventually. Don’t be manipulated into taking less and really you should be NC with him because he’s continuing to abuse you from a distance.He knows which strings to pull. Don’t fall for it.
Show his texts to your lawyer.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 11:23

I must admit i am alse doubting myself have i done anything to make them reject me. I do try and disccipline them and get tired doing absolutely all the childcare and working and all the housework etc.

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eggncress · 02/07/2018 11:24

What do you mean by lack of info?
Are they suspecting hidden assets?
You can get a forensic accountant and pay once the divorce settled ?
Ask your lawyer.

RandomMess · 02/07/2018 11:24

Thing is with your DC being teens it doesn't matter what you agree in terms of residency they will decide where they want to live so I would ignore that carrot of getting 50:50!

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 11:24

Also seem to have forgotten how to spell sorry

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Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 11:26

He has complete financial control including putting money in accounts in my name which he then controls

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Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 11:26

The carrot is he would encourage them to see me !!

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Thebluedog · 02/07/2018 11:43

Only talk to him via your solicitor.

RandomMess · 02/07/2018 11:48

You could get the £500k and him continue to completely poison them...

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 11:54

I think deep down he is to selfish y look after other people full-time. He is the one who needs looking after first normally

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Wallywobbles · 02/07/2018 12:51

Have you seen a lawyer?

eggncress · 02/07/2018 12:57

Ignore the carrot. Your kids will decide for themselves. They are not far from adulthood.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 12:59

That is the scarey thing of he really puts the boot in now with the nasty comments I could loose them for ever

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eggncress · 02/07/2018 13:16

When you next speak to the kids could you suggest they meet you?
So you speak to them face to face ?
Worth a try?

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 13:18

Yes worth a try

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Slightlyjaded · 02/07/2018 13:20

Don't be tempted to accept something out of desperation.

There is no court in the land that would give him sole custody if he works full time and you are a healthy, loving parent who lives close enough to keep them at their existing schools. Literally, not a chance.

So thank him for his offer but tell him you can't possibly accept until you have spoken to a solicitor. And I agree with the poster who told you to push for 55/45 so that you are main carer.

The novelty of kids full time will soon wear off. Bide your time.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 13:25

Problem is they choose where they live. No court is going to tell my nearly 16 year old where to live. the best I can hope is he really doesn't want them full time

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