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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
Joey1925 · 29/06/2018 22:57

Oh that's such great advice AcrossthePond. I'm going to remember that.

Sad9999 I hope you have the strength to rise above this. Might help to take a few deep breaths before you speak. It must be extraordinary hard. I'm going through a similar type of thing. My DS has been dreadful since we agreed to split. Egged on by his DF. The language has been dreadful. Got so bad at one point that I had to call the police and we're all still living together.

Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 23:10

Oh Joey I am so sorry why can't these men just try and behave better xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 29/06/2018 23:11

What did the police do if you don't mind me asking

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/06/2018 23:19

I know you do, but you can’t right now. The best you can do is remain calm and non-defensive, then when the time comes he’ll remember that you never argued or became angry with him. And he’ll be able to turn to you to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart when he understands the truth about his father. A man like that can’t keep the mask on forever.

eggncress · 29/06/2018 23:48

I echo the wise words from pp to try to keep your cool.
But would just like to add it sounds like dh is shitting himself about what he views as “ being taken to the cleaners”
Stay strong, don’t back down and don’t accept less than what you’re entitled too as anything you get is not just for you but for building a comfortable life for you and the kids( including music lessons).
They won’t want to stay with him long term. He is frightening them on purpose, being over dramatic about how he won’t be able to afford anything nice for them and it’s your fault ! That’s why the kids are taking it out on you. Basically he’s manipulating them to abuse you.
They’ll come round eventually.

Original poster
sad9999 · 30/06/2018 07:29

I am doubting myself though as he says 3 people. Him and the kids think I am in the wrong and he is right

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RandomMess · 30/06/2018 08:22

It's emotional blackmail, your H will stop at nothing to try and stop you getting what you deserve and are entitled to Thanks

gingergenius · 30/06/2018 08:53

Just rtft and want to cheer you on op. Keep going and get as far away from this sbusive piece of shit. The children's attitudes will change over time x

kaitlinktm · 30/06/2018 10:31

he says 3 people. Him and the kids think I am in the wrong and he is right

Well obviously - he has only told them his own skewed version. Lots of people here think you are right. I am sure that any reasonable person without a vested interest would agree with you, not him.

You want what the law considers to be your fair share - and that is in the children's interests, not just yours.

I think Eggncress is right - your H is shitting himself because he knows the worm has finally turned and his easy life is over. This is why he is frightening the children. If you have your fair share of the assets, why does that mean your son won't be able to have music lessons. Scaremongering - with his own children - how low can you get?

eggncress · 30/06/2018 10:45

It’s gaslighting and is intended to make you doubt yourself .
Don’t doubt yourself for a minute OP... he’s clutching at straws now ... he’s getting desperate.
Remember ... try to remain calm.
When you say 3 people ... him and the kids... it’s just one person, him !
The kids are just being influenced by what he’s telling them.

RandomMess · 30/06/2018 10:52

Remember when you have your shat you will be able to afford music lessons, to take them holidays etc Thanks

blueangel1 · 30/06/2018 12:00

OP, this is precisely what my DP's evil ex has been trying to do with their DCs. Luckily, three of them are adults now. Oldest DD is completely in denial about her mother, but both sons know what she's like.

Oldest DS went NC with her a few months ago and said he has never felt better. He told DP a couple of days ago that he realised he spent his entire childhood nervous and walking on eggshells as he never knew what his mother was going to do next. He doesn't even refer to her as his mother now, he calls her by her first name.

I think what I'm trying to say is hang on in there, but I know it's shit at the moment.

Original poster
sad9999 · 30/06/2018 17:24

I can't believe how common this is they should have a relationship with both parents

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AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2018 18:18

Google 'parental alienation'. It's common enough that it's legal grounds in the US for terminating visitation rights.

Original poster
sad9999 · 30/06/2018 18:39

Wished I loved in the US

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Original poster
sad9999 · 01/07/2018 21:35

Really struggling keep bursting into years just want my babies

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Original poster
sad9999 · 01/07/2018 21:36

Tears even

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eggncress · 01/07/2018 23:40

Sorry sad9999... it is a struggle for you, it goes without saying but you’ve done fantastically well just by getting away from the abuse.
You’ve done nothing wrong so don’t feel guilty for leaving.You haven’t abandoned the children but you did leave an environment in which they were being abusive to you as well as dh.
If you went back you would become everyone’s emotional punch bag again.
There will be days where you feel worse than others and it’s ok to cry ... hopefully you will feel some release from that.
Are you getting any support in RL? Your sis? Women’s Aid?
Take it a day at a time. It’s a damned awful and difficult time for you but it will be worth it Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/07/2018 00:48

Dear Sad9999, it must be very hard but you are following the only path that will lead you and your DC to a happier, safer future. If you feel really desperate, please call The Samaritans on 116 123. When I was desperate many years ago they were a lifeline. You don't have to be suicidal. Desperately unhappy is enough.

Try to get some sleep. Brew

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 09:58

New offer on the table half a million and 50 50 share of time with kids. I am so tempted

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RandomMess · 02/07/2018 10:11

Seriously how much equity is there in the marital home? If you are in an expensive area half a million to buy a house and live off doesn't go far Thanks

RandomMess · 02/07/2018 10:13

Remember 50:60 you won't be able to claim maintenance and he will refuse to buy anything for the DC

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 10:23

Probably about 600 thousand equity in the house. I really just want my children with me at least some of the time

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Original poster
sad9999 · 02/07/2018 10:24

I reckon three hundred thousand would but a nice small house

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RandomMess · 02/07/2018 10:29

Well £200k won't last long to live off, can't remember if you have a job?

I would ask for 55:45 care so that you can claim child benefit even if it means you pass over on claiming maintenance. Presumably you have no pension and there are no savings?