How do you actually divorce a Narcissist?

[mynamechangemyrules]

I am a long time (5+yrs ) lurker in these pages and the advice has helped me in many ways to survive and understand my situation.

I have name changed as some friends know my user name.

I need specific answers as to how to actually 'do the deed' and tell my husband that I want a divorce.

Summary if you want background:
A short summary is my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and to my children. It even feels 'bad' writing that down. But the evidence is right before my eyes.

To me: are you stupid or lazy? I can't work it out? I'm not happy with my children's mother being a fat ugly woman who looks 20 years older than she is, it's disgusting. You disgust me. (FWIW I'm UK 12 and my besties would say I'm alright for 40 ) And all day every day: why are you eating/ doing/ saying that? Questioning questioning and 'retaliating' to simple statements. Me:'I had a tough day at work' H:'Have you finished moaning because i was watching tv' etc etc etc. Honestly that's not even an hour's worth.

'I know you accept mediocrity but I don't. Imagine if our kids ended up like you, fucks sake'

To the DCs (7/5/1): What the fuck is wrong with you? You know you're weird right? All the kids at school will laugh and call you stinky kid (he hates to clean his teeth, he hears this every day) Get this kid away from me I can't fucking bear him. Why do you do that? Are you stupid? Well you must be stupid because you don't listen to what I say.

Pins DC1 up against walls/ floor. Locks DCs 1&2 our of the house.

This is awful. This much I know. For reference I work in education. I know this is bad but my normal has just shifted slightly every time it escalates.

So after the most recent 'major event' (I disagreed on a timing question. He dragged DC1 upstairs by one arm, he told me I disgusted him, he told me we were not allowed to leave the house. He told me if I did he would call the police. Obv I realise they would've told him to fuck off but in the moment my brain doesn't work like that.)
I have been to a lawyer. We live overseas and I have clarified that I am in a strong position:
I work, he doesn't, (he is NOT a SAHD- he is 'job hunting', (he has a lucrative career so doesn't need to work all year) he does nothing with them, we have full time childcarer who has known them all from birth. I come home from work and do dinner bath bed while he watches tv or reads the iPad)
His visa rests on my job
I have plenty of financial security of my own (although he 'manages' it all so I'd have to change passwords etc on accounts)

I have told more people in RL about the situation as if to 'prep' them... They were all like 'of course we'd noticed, he's a knob' which was somehow reassuring.

So... technically I am 'ready'.

But how do I even begin?

Despite all above I think he has very little understanding of where we are with this. As everything is brought back to him all the time- eg 'It ruins my night if I have to physically restrain DC1, I just get so upset' rather than how DC1 is feeling- that I think he would be blown away if I just come out and say I want a divorce.

Do I go straight for that?

Do I book counselling? (Such a thing here would be upwards of £200 a session and hard to find someone of a cultural 'match')

How do I say it?

Should I get the kids out for the day?

How do I time it with basic 'family' events coming up? (Holidays/ special days etc?)

Sorry for the ramble and multiple questions but the gist is HOW????

Hi all and apologies for not updating. I genuinely felt it was all I could do to keep going in front of the children and each night I've been collapsing after they are all in bed.

So much, too much to retell it all. Short summary- after lots of bluster and hurtful words- we are home as of an hour ago.

I have some pretty mixed-up feelings right now. The last weeks have been brutal with him 'demonstrating' how this will affect the children (basically orchestrating tantrums by not giving enough notice before pick ups/ giving mixed messages about where they would be at certain times etc) and telling me he's going for full care and control as he is the stay at home parent Our childminder actually laughed out loud at that one.

I've got the interim care and control order almost complete- sounds shit but I haven't had mental space to write the statements about caregiving and schedules etc yet. I have 6 affidavits from friends and family about him not being the primary caregiver. I feel pretty 'let's do this' on paper.

But in real life I feel weird. Sad. A bit like 'oh god now I'm a middle aged single mother because I didn't work at it enough' and all the other hives of his going round my head.

I realise in many ways I am lucky, but the biggest way has to be that IRL my 'girl gang' as they have become (they have a bloody WhatsApp group entitled 'mynamechange's support team' ) are comprised of some feisty ladies who have seen what this has done to me and the children and they were not letting me give up. Every day one of them was scheduled in to basically meet me and give me a pep talk. I didn't realise this until a week in when I was like, 'everyone has all these cool breaks from work this week' and one of them spilt the beans... Amazing. Also fairly lucky that there's a lawyer/ dr/ psychotherapist (hi mum!!)/ and generally emotionally aware people in the group. I am fairly sure if they weren't involved I would be back home but with him there.

Next steps- change the locks, work out where his crap that is left can go and file the divorce papers.

Hoping the rollercoaster of right thing to do/ wrong thing to do ends soon.

Thanks for you messages on here and pm.

I am so pleased you have got to this point, you have awesome friends because you are a good, decent person - nothing like him.

Bravo

Very well done namechange and thank you for update. You have done an amazing job, definitely the right thing. If you have time can you say how you finally managed to get him (and his parents?) out - did you have to involve the authorities in the end?

We are all in awe - accounts of overcoming dickheads like this give us all hope. I know you're not entirely out of the woods yet but hope you can get some R&R time with the kids now.

So pleased and relieved to read your update namechange. It sounds like you've got great support in RL and that is awesome.

The emotional rollercoaster of wondering if you've done the right thing or not will undoubtedly continue, so be gentle to yourself. But remember, so many people who know you and your STBXH in RL and everyone on this thread where you have explained what he says and does know you're doing the right thing. You're just a bit broken because of the drip drip drip effect of the onslaught you've been under with him for so long.

Sunnier days ahead.

Brilliant news, enjoy being home with your children x

Congratulations. A word of caution. This is a long journey with a lot of bumps along the way. Fantastic you have a strong support network. Really important. Build up as much support around yourself as you can and practice self-care and self-compassion. It is so easy to get caught up in negative thoughts about the marriage not working or trying to keep the whole family together. The behaviour you described was most definitely abusive not just towards you but towards your children. It is normal to grieve the end of a relationship even an abusive one. Each day is a step towards a new and better life.

Butterballs your message was here when I logged on to say...
I think I'll let him move back. I don't know. I shouldn't. But this is almost harder than before. He's being horrible to me and controlling me from afar and it's worse than being in it somehow.
He's telling people I've made him live in the car (at least he has the bloody car!) and that I've basically gone mad. His parents have been 'turned'.
It's so hard. And for what??? I still have to be in contact with him!!!

No don't let him move back deal with each obstacle one bite at a time. It doesn't matter what he says it's just part of him desperately clinging on to how it was.

But it won't be like this forever. You have to push through this bit. Of course he's still trying to control you, but eventually he'll just be this annoying person you sometimes have to have contact with.
I spent years being controlled by my ex. He tried to continue to control me via dc. This is where my solicitor comes in and mediators, and support systems. And in time my dc got older and don't even want that contact.
If you let him back in he will bully you and your kids forever. If you keep going you are heading towards freedom.

If he’s this poisonous from a distance- what do you think would happen if you did capitulate and let him back? Listen to your IRL support ladies- they will have your best interests in mind- I doubt he does. All the best

Hé will up it by a factor of 10 if you let him back. That will be you done. And probably forever. Your children will, at some point in the future blame you, for their shit abusive lives.

It took us 9 years after the divorce to break free. But he has now lost his parental rights. Such a life changer. And by the end it was just the kids who were under his power. But having a mother that fought their corner all the way through the courts twice has made them powerful young women. They took him on aged 8&9.

You need to limit contact and stop responding. Really. Work out if you can do just school/childminder drop off. Ask your WhatsApp group to help you sort this. This much contact is not normal.

To add your job is to help your lawyer. You give them every shred of evidence they might conceivably need. Keep a copy for yourself.

Write a time line. Keep a log of every shitty thing he's ever said or done to you and the kids. All of it. Start now. Write it here if that helps so we can tell you how it's not normal. Keep a copy of it on your computer so that you can adjust it as new things are remembered.

I've just read your full thread OP. So happy to see you got him out.

My friend was in Avery similar situation to you a couple of years ago (although different country and legally more difficult) and she let him back in. It was horrendous. At least now you have a break from him when you sleep. You can turn your phone off or put it on silent. When he's in your house, you have NO HEADSPACE and also no evidence of harassment because presumably now some of the communication is by text?

You've done absolutely the right thing.

Are you revoking his visa? If not, please do. He's going to be a bastard anyway so the further away the better!!

And go for full parental rights/custody. Don't give in to be nice to him. You can still let him have contact with the kids, but you'll have FULL rights to travel without his permission, change jobs, change kids' schools etc. If he gets shared rights you'll have to put all these things through him first.

So sorry for all that you are going through OP. Please stay strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have recognised and realised so much in my own life from reading your posts. Don't give up, don't go back. Let your fantastic friends and family support you. Don't allow him to mess with your head any more.

God do not let him back in. Re read your opening post on here. He is vile. Vile to you and vile to your children. If you let him back you are telling your children that it is ok that Dad is abusive and horrible.

Yes he will be more horrible now. He knows full well that this is it.

But compared to some you are in such a good position. You hold all the cards.

He’s bloody stupid though as he must know you can revoke his visa? I’d be holding that over his head big time. Although it’s maybe not the best idea to do that just yet. Get the legal side sorted. File those divorce papers.

It will be hard for a while but it will be so worth it.

OP - don't be ridiculous. You can't let him move back. If you do then what was the point in splitting up and getting him out?

You have so much support IRL - do you really think they will continue to support you or do you think they will step away as they won't agree with your decisions?

I know l sound harsh but you have so much more going in your favour then many others l have read about on here. Don't muck it up due to a moment of weakness.

You'll never escape him otherwise and he certainly won't take you seriously in the future.

Stay strong and KEEP FIGHTING. You can do this!!

This does end. You need to stay strong for the children for a bit longer but eventually it gets sorted. You won't have to interact with him with anything like as much frequency when it's sorted. Minimise the contact now as much as you can. He is not your husband.

Don't let him back!

This shit bit will end but only if you have the guts for your self and your children. If you let him back it will never end. He'll ramp it up.

Do NOT let him move back! You're doing great, how are the kids?
Am really pleased you have some RL support. See one of them today to make sure she talks you out of letting him back
Please get locks changed immediately.

Just keep going op. If you can't do it for you, just do it for the dc's. He is just using them as ammunition to get at you & try & score points. Your dc's are worth so much more than that. They are not just there for his convenience they are real actual people who deserve to be brought up in a home with proper values and love not being used by him for his latest plan.

Ditto what the op said use your WhatsApp ladies to the max. You and your dc's deserve a proper chance of a happy life. Keep going with it. Xxcake is to help you keep your stamina up x

Thanks for cake and positivity. I feel quite crazy as I'm swinging from one side to the other so extremely.

The WhatsApp gang ambushed me in several ways today- someone came round straight after him fucking me around with the pick ups and had tea and chocolate with me. She talked me through point by point.

Then after drop off of kids another friend had us all round for a roast dinner (novelty here!) and a swim for all the kids with her husband while she went through the paperwork with me (lawyer!).

And then I came home to a dark empty house and the lids are looney and saying they don't want to go to school after the 'holidays' and it was still stressful.

Somehow I thought it would all be calm with him gone.

The one really important question going round my head is weird:- why do people believe me? I've asked a friend in real life and she said maybe people who haven't seen his actual unpleasant behaviour (she has) just get a 'bad vibe' from him and she said this is enough for them to understand why I have done this. I just don't want anyone to take this lightly and think I'm 'swanning off' because I'm 'too lazy to put the effort in' as STBXH would say.

And someone asked further up- how did I get him out? I think my brother hit it spot on when he said it's all about the money with stbxh- so we wrote an email saying I wouldn't pay the rent if I wasn't in the accommodation. As rent is more than 50% of outgoings here it's a big thing and I think pushed his decision. What he actually replied was ' as you are too selfish to put the children first and move back in with me, I will be the one fighting for them and will move out'

You have been battered and bruised by this man for years has have the DC you probably all have some level of Stockholm syndrome!!

Listen to your friends, they have your back. Your H does not care for your DC only himself, he is not capable of love for anyone but himself

Op, you are amazing.
My father is very much like your husband, and he has ruined the lives of 6 children and a wife. My DM went through similar self doubts when she was divorcing my father and I'll tell you the same as I told her. Look at your children and imagine they are in the same situation you are. What would you tell them? That they are wrong? Or self absorbed? No you would tell them to leave the bastard, that he doesn't love anyone but himself ect. You would be proud of them for talking that step and it was the right thing to do.
Your children will be proud of you too op, this advice helped DM see through the fog of self doubt and see that life will be better and it is now

Unlurking to say please don't let him back, OP. If not for yourself, please think of your children and their mental health. In the years to come, they will thank you for protecting them from your abusive narc exH. Stay strong and keep him out.

to you and your team of friends/supporters

OP for a very different situation I have just gone through some very similar emotional turmoil. You will spend a while up and down on the waves of emotion as you build your confidence in what is the right thing for you. All the while he will be working in the background to undermine that confidence. It does get better though, eventually you will reach a point where

a) you realise you do not need to convince one single other person that what you are doing is the right thing
b) more importantly you know with absolute certainty that what you are doing is actually the right thing for you
c) the right thing for you and him are no longer on the same page so you will never really agree anymore so don’t expect to
d) he too will have follower who accept his wants and needs as being more important than yours and you don’t need to convince them of your position.

It will happen, you need to be patient though with yourself and your children. for you.