How do you actually divorce a Narcissist?

[mynamechangemyrules]

I am a long time (5+yrs ) lurker in these pages and the advice has helped me in many ways to survive and understand my situation.

I have name changed as some friends know my user name.

I need specific answers as to how to actually 'do the deed' and tell my husband that I want a divorce.

Summary if you want background:
A short summary is my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and to my children. It even feels 'bad' writing that down. But the evidence is right before my eyes.

To me: are you stupid or lazy? I can't work it out? I'm not happy with my children's mother being a fat ugly woman who looks 20 years older than she is, it's disgusting. You disgust me. (FWIW I'm UK 12 and my besties would say I'm alright for 40 ) And all day every day: why are you eating/ doing/ saying that? Questioning questioning and 'retaliating' to simple statements. Me:'I had a tough day at work' H:'Have you finished moaning because i was watching tv' etc etc etc. Honestly that's not even an hour's worth.

'I know you accept mediocrity but I don't. Imagine if our kids ended up like you, fucks sake'

To the DCs (7/5/1): What the fuck is wrong with you? You know you're weird right? All the kids at school will laugh and call you stinky kid (he hates to clean his teeth, he hears this every day) Get this kid away from me I can't fucking bear him. Why do you do that? Are you stupid? Well you must be stupid because you don't listen to what I say.

Pins DC1 up against walls/ floor. Locks DCs 1&2 our of the house.

This is awful. This much I know. For reference I work in education. I know this is bad but my normal has just shifted slightly every time it escalates.

So after the most recent 'major event' (I disagreed on a timing question. He dragged DC1 upstairs by one arm, he told me I disgusted him, he told me we were not allowed to leave the house. He told me if I did he would call the police. Obv I realise they would've told him to fuck off but in the moment my brain doesn't work like that.)
I have been to a lawyer. We live overseas and I have clarified that I am in a strong position:
I work, he doesn't, (he is NOT a SAHD- he is 'job hunting', (he has a lucrative career so doesn't need to work all year) he does nothing with them, we have full time childcarer who has known them all from birth. I come home from work and do dinner bath bed while he watches tv or reads the iPad)
His visa rests on my job
I have plenty of financial security of my own (although he 'manages' it all so I'd have to change passwords etc on accounts)

I have told more people in RL about the situation as if to 'prep' them... They were all like 'of course we'd noticed, he's a knob' which was somehow reassuring.

So... technically I am 'ready'.

But how do I even begin?

Despite all above I think he has very little understanding of where we are with this. As everything is brought back to him all the time- eg 'It ruins my night if I have to physically restrain DC1, I just get so upset' rather than how DC1 is feeling- that I think he would be blown away if I just come out and say I want a divorce.

Do I go straight for that?

Do I book counselling? (Such a thing here would be upwards of £200 a session and hard to find someone of a cultural 'match')

How do I say it?

Should I get the kids out for the day?

How do I time it with basic 'family' events coming up? (Holidays/ special days etc?)

Sorry for the ramble and multiple questions but the gist is HOW????

It's pro-women in divorce here, he's the one who wants to go home and I have the job/ house/ visas all in my name. We married here, and divorce here has jurisdiction in the UK.

I have plenty of money in my salaried accounts so I'm not really worried about the money, very luckily. As far as I'm concerned it's just shown everyone what a knob he is- he fakes sadness and clears kids accounts an hour later.

It is a rare and lucky place to be- but I don't need his money. And I am happy either to reside here or in the UK, neither would be a restriction for me.

Can you tell I'm in the zen before the storm phase?!!

As for why didn't I clear joint access accounts out...?! Well, I didn't want to be the total CF he is. Taking money to make a point when neither of us needs access to that ring-fenced education money. It's not a bill account or anything, he's just making a point.

Staplescorner your words have been very useful to reflect on. I've told his brother to keep loyal to him and hope that he will be the voice of reason for him.

Today has been horrific and last night we had vomit poo and wee all in one room 😱

He's basically said I'm damaging the kids by not returning to the family home. I am staying very formal.

Was tempted to go back to the house since he won't bloody leave it as I'm so tired but I've done it so must push through.

School and work tomorrow let's see what that does. Although no work for him obv 🙄

Wow that's pretty strong stuff op - I'm very impressed he sounds fucking awful.

I've got a feeling that the next few month s will be full of shit from him but yes Grey Rock and nothing can hurt you now cos you're getting him out!!

Amazing!

Sending support vibes your way.
You're doing brilliantly.
This will be so much better for your DC.

One suggestion- write a list of everything he's done to your DC that's not ok.
Keep the list. Get angry.On behalf of your children.

Anger is sometimes seen as ' not nice' . But righteous anger can give you so much energy and power that you can change the world.

DONT go to counselling with him.

Very dangerous in situations of EA. He will charm the counsellor and then use it as anothe stick to beat you with.

Good luck. You. can do this

N's brother couldn't get him to leave the house. I couldn't face police. Sorry just couldn't, with all 3 kids trailing along on a Sunday. So we are out of the house again and he is definitely creating a narrative that I am upsetting the children's routine and lifestyle. His messages are as though written by a lawyer. It's making me crazy because I want to reply 'routine would be normal if you had left the house'

I took them to meet him and have a swim for 2 hours. All went well. My friends went to the house to get my stuff and kids stuff for school etc. All of their bags shoes etc gone and locked in his study. Study key usually hangs in kitchen- gone. Then sends me messages about how I'll need to come home soon for their stuff when he gets back from swimming.

I found a mediation/ counselling place as recommended by my therapist. H had kept reiterating that he wanted counselling- not explicitly saying no to mediation but he wrote 'I trust it is couples counselling you are sending me details of' when I had said mediation/ counselling. Anyway- found a great place, they laid it out that you do individual counselling and then decide if mediation or counselling is best. This is H's reply:

Please remind me why you think we need this? (I believe the first question they will ask in an individual session will be ‘what are you trying to achieve’) . Once I get this feedback from you I will book the session. However, my preference is to go straight for couples counselling so are you particularly fussed on the individual sessions?

I am going to paste some of his other messages below. He has waited till the kids in bed then gone wild with messages. My brain is actually melting.

So I will take DS1 to tennis and perhaps DS2 and play with DD in the afternoon. How is DD getting home tomorrow? I trust it is couples/relationship counselling with a therapist. I trust that the children will be staying at home tomorrow evening. Not only is the routine being affected and not wearing what they should to school and without bags for example but it is not a stable environment to have them living out of a suit case. I see you are regularly saying that the children are fine but I don't think anyone would advocate this pattern for them.

Btw my parents will be staying in the house from Wednesday onwards so I trust the kids will be back staying there by then. Perhaps you could consider staying elsewhere for some or all of the time as I need to be in there too for (H's family name) family time and it will break my parent's hearts if they feel they are causing awkwardness. I will be fine looking after the boys and DD. Thanks.

FWIW MIL and FIL have hearts of cold rock so no breaking likely there.

Op - you are doing so well - but he isn't just going to make it easy for you. He will fight - by whatever means - all the way - and he hasn't even really started yet.

This is the way an abusive man is. Nothing you can do will change the way he reacts - you can be as nice as pie or as horrid as you like and he'll just do what he wants. The only way he'll stop is if you cave in and decide to take him back - then he'll play the 'nice' man again for a short while until he knows he's got you where he wants you and then he'll return to his real persona which is being controlling.

You can't do this in a nice way because he will never allow that. Be careful because he doesn't care who he destroys in order to get what he wants.

You can do it though - but you have to be really hard and stop paying any attention to his toddler tantrums and get as much help as you can.

OP well done for staying calm, you must feel sick with worry. You sound like you might be in a position to rent somewhere on your own for the time being - is that possible? Also when are you going to see the solicitor? you don't need counselling or therapy, I agree with others he is emotionally abusive (and possibly could get worse) - so get the solicitor first.

The only thing that will work is if the law is on your side and you use it. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants, the DC are pawns to him, you are his meal ticket and status symbol he will not let you go until he decides it's what he wants.

Do laws exist there to evict him from the house or at least allow you to retrieve what you need?

Well done for standing up to him

You are spot on Random - that's why I am saying speak to a solicitor tomorrow before the inlaws move in to the house. Do they know about your H treats the DCs?

I am so sorry you and your children are living with this bastard, stay strong and focused and believe that a better life is on its way for you all

Oh god i'm so scared for you reading this. Wtf are you doing? You are allowing him to make a paper trail as if you are disrupting kids etc, sleepwalking into him taking possession of house with kids and his parents later this week etc

Wake up!!

Get the police round. Get him out. Do not reply to any comunication from him except through solicitor.

He is playing a long game here and you are too busy trying hard not to be unreasonable....it makes scary reading.

I agree with @GuildedLily he is a very skilled liar and will manipulate those around him very easily and you are sleep walking into him having the DC back and he won't return them.

Go with the police to get the DC stuff that they need for school. I would have taken a sledge hammer to his office door tbh - he doesn't work; why does he need one?

It's textbook 101 for an acrimonious split that you will be accused of being mentally unstable. It doesn't mean you are or that anyone will believe them. You sound strong and I hope you can work through this awkward transition. He does sound terrifying and non trustworthy. You can do this.

You mean he is having his parents come to stay in what is legally your (not joint) property? Please tell me I've read that wrong? You need to get him out.

I actually like my STBXH but during the upheaval of separating I changed the locks because trust was zero. Things just get very unpredictable and emotions are off the scale even without bullies in the equation. Please think about claiming back your space, and no one should be in it without your permission. I promise you you'll feel a shit load more secure with that in place.

Honestly, this makes worrying reading. He is walking all over you.

The house is in your name. Get the police, get him out.

Your childrens lives will be disrupted for the near future, but that is better than the alternative.

I totally agree with guided lily. You’ve done a very brave thing myname. I went through a separation very similar to yours in January. He refused to move out and unfortunately we have a joint mortgage so I couldn’t force him. He reported me to the police saying he was concerned about the welfare of our children knowing they were perfectly well at my parents and I had to remove them from the family home because he kept shouting and swearing at us. It was just his way of trying to control me via the children after I refused to move back home. He was hounding me with texts that looked like they were copied from some divorced Dad’s website, the wording was so official sounding and totally unlike him. I was totally focused on being fair and reasonable but it made no difference to his anger. He will not appreciate any kind gesture or compromise you make. I know you don’t want to involve the police (the ones who came to speak with me were lovely and really supportive but it was humiliating having to tell them all the awful things he’d done) but your priority is your kids. You need to have him removed from the home and get the locks changed asap. My ex totally blamed me for breaking up our family and takes no responsibility. He accused me of being mentally ill, cheating on him, he threatened to commit suicide etc. Everything he does and says is to get you to change your mind and go back to living that awful life. Don’t do it. He will never love you the way you should be loved. Read up on the five stages of grief and loss. When times are really tough remember this mantra....He won’t change. You did the right thing.