How do you actually divorce a Narcissist?

[mynamechangemyrules]

I am a long time (5+yrs ) lurker in these pages and the advice has helped me in many ways to survive and understand my situation.

I have name changed as some friends know my user name.

I need specific answers as to how to actually 'do the deed' and tell my husband that I want a divorce.

Summary if you want background:
A short summary is my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and to my children. It even feels 'bad' writing that down. But the evidence is right before my eyes.

To me: are you stupid or lazy? I can't work it out? I'm not happy with my children's mother being a fat ugly woman who looks 20 years older than she is, it's disgusting. You disgust me. (FWIW I'm UK 12 and my besties would say I'm alright for 40 ) And all day every day: why are you eating/ doing/ saying that? Questioning questioning and 'retaliating' to simple statements. Me:'I had a tough day at work' H:'Have you finished moaning because i was watching tv' etc etc etc. Honestly that's not even an hour's worth.

'I know you accept mediocrity but I don't. Imagine if our kids ended up like you, fucks sake'

To the DCs (7/5/1): What the fuck is wrong with you? You know you're weird right? All the kids at school will laugh and call you stinky kid (he hates to clean his teeth, he hears this every day) Get this kid away from me I can't fucking bear him. Why do you do that? Are you stupid? Well you must be stupid because you don't listen to what I say.

Pins DC1 up against walls/ floor. Locks DCs 1&2 our of the house.

This is awful. This much I know. For reference I work in education. I know this is bad but my normal has just shifted slightly every time it escalates.

So after the most recent 'major event' (I disagreed on a timing question. He dragged DC1 upstairs by one arm, he told me I disgusted him, he told me we were not allowed to leave the house. He told me if I did he would call the police. Obv I realise they would've told him to fuck off but in the moment my brain doesn't work like that.)
I have been to a lawyer. We live overseas and I have clarified that I am in a strong position:
I work, he doesn't, (he is NOT a SAHD- he is 'job hunting', (he has a lucrative career so doesn't need to work all year) he does nothing with them, we have full time childcarer who has known them all from birth. I come home from work and do dinner bath bed while he watches tv or reads the iPad)
His visa rests on my job
I have plenty of financial security of my own (although he 'manages' it all so I'd have to change passwords etc on accounts)

I have told more people in RL about the situation as if to 'prep' them... They were all like 'of course we'd noticed, he's a knob' which was somehow reassuring.

So... technically I am 'ready'.

But how do I even begin?

Despite all above I think he has very little understanding of where we are with this. As everything is brought back to him all the time- eg 'It ruins my night if I have to physically restrain DC1, I just get so upset' rather than how DC1 is feeling- that I think he would be blown away if I just come out and say I want a divorce.

Do I go straight for that?

Do I book counselling? (Such a thing here would be upwards of £200 a session and hard to find someone of a cultural 'match')

How do I say it?

Should I get the kids out for the day?

How do I time it with basic 'family' events coming up? (Holidays/ special days etc?)

Sorry for the ramble and multiple questions but the gist is HOW????

OMG he is beyond cruel.

So after two hours of mediation, he bullied me into moving back home citing the damage I was causing the children.

It was carnage. He was stopping the mediator, telling her she wasn't doing her job properly, explaining all of my myriad 'issues'.

I left in tears ready to live the rest of my life like this.

Then- friends! They've basically staged an intervention. I am not going back when he is in the house. I am on my way to collect one DS (an hour early) from a drop off party, baby DD is at my friends house already, it is DS2 (5yrs) who is still with him (I let him take the big boys to lunch and a swim with his parents- totally outing myself if anyone from here is on- Hi!)
So the worst worst case scenario is that he is going to say no fucking way am I returning DS2 to you.
Now, he is scary, emotionally abusive and all sorts but DS2 is his golden boy and I do not fear for his physical safety. STBXH's parents are at the home. I have spoken to my counsellor and she feels he will probably spend the evening saying how awful I am but we can undo that. It is terrifying but I know he is 'safe'.

Then tomorrow I call the police.

My brother is buying a ticket to come out right now. He is fairly high in the Brit Army and one big scary fucker when he wants to be (and if I'm not outed by now, then you don't know me!) so all being well he should be with me by late Fri early Sat and will hand hold -scare people- for me.

I cannot tell you how much help this thread has been. SO MUCH xx

Also, feels amazing to write STBXH by the way.

I am so glad your brother is coming to help you OP.

So glad help is there and things are moving

Have you DS2 passport so he cannot leave the country with him? Keep it hidden at a friends house c

Got all the passports. Got DS1 with me. Phew. Have just kept texting that I expect DS2 to be dropped at place I'm staying asap.

He's not replying.

I am so exhausted.

How many months/ years of this?????

Well if you can get his visa cancelled and get him kicked out the country that will lesson it

I am serious about getting a friend to look after passports and all important documents that way you can't be bullied into them over!

I've been following your thread, and reading this post So after two hours of mediation, he bullied me into moving back home citing the damage I was causing the children. my heart dropped to my stomach, but I'm now very happy for you, well done to your friends and family for the intervention.

Congratulations OP .... you are very very courageous.

One step at a time

So impressed by your courage! Well done for not letting yourself be bullied any more.

I’m glad your friends were there to help you, and that your brother is coming out to support you. Will his parents still be there when your brother arrives? Are you planning on all of them needing to leave the house? I really hope that this goes well for you, and that you can get back home and him out. Has your son come back from STBEXH yet?

The children are with their grandparents and STBXH.

I am going to pick them up in an hour despite STBXH saying they are staying with him. He has the car which will make it hard for me to 'pick them up' when carless- will have to hope he hands over the keys.

I am nervous in case you can't tell?!!

So his parents and brother and SIL will all be there, and I'm hoping that minimises drama.

We are set up to stay in my friends (beautiful!) house. She has 3 children all the same ages and is on holiday so it is a dream and would actually feel like a little holiday if I can get them here. As it is school holidays I don't feel it's too disruptive as STBXH would like to make others think.

I know I am repeatedly saying this, but it is very confusing when away from the situation.

I feel like 'am I making a fuss over nothing?'
'Maybe I am being a bit sensitive?'
'Is this upheaval worth it?'
'Are the children going to be negatively affected by this?'

It all makes me want to stop. I am listening to my family and friends who insist I keep going.

It can't be coincidence that all of my friends and family say he is in the wrong, can it?

Or have I 'painted a picture' which is inaccurate?

I am second guessing myself all the time.

Luckily my voice recordings and notes of his actions are helping me.

I showed a friend a chain of messages from 2015 and I think she was actually traumatised even though I was laughing- it says things like 'you do understand there is no such thing as unconditional love don't you?' 'You made promises to lose weight and you broke them, you disgust me'

This is utterly unconnected waffle but my head is all over the place and connecting with people on here and IRL is keeping me sane, so thanks x

I thought you had DS 2 with you? I really hope that he will give the children back- have you got a way to leave if he won’t give you the car? And do you think you would be able to pick up some clothes from the house if the family is there- shame him into doing the right thing? When does your brother get there? I thought you were telling him to move out? You’re not doing the wrong thing/ you know this deep down. He’s been manipulative and bullying for years. This is merely a continuation of that, but in a different way. I really hope he gives the children back and he and his family don’t close ranks on you xx

If he won't hand all the DC and the car over call the police. The only thing that will work is getting the law involved.

Go get your family and fuck off this nasty narcissictic man. You and your children deserve to share your life with others who consider you all just wonderful the way you are. Keep in mind you and the children need and demand respect.

The house is in your name, yes? So you've been told that you can have him forcibly removed with police assistance, yes? - THAT'S WHY HE'S doing this, ramping up the abuse! Because you have help, you have hope, you can do this! That's why he's attacking you - and he is - it's absolutely clear to read that this is Textbook psychological abuse of the highest order! Please, don't give in, please push forward, stick to your plan - YOU ARE NOT "MAD" or overreacting or oversensitive!! You and your DC are being abused by him! You deserve a home free from his despicable abuse - ONLY THEN WILL YOUR DC BEGIN TO HEAL PSYCHOLOGICALLY! I speak as a survivor of this exact situation. You are sane. You are right and correct to get him OUT! PLEASE stick to your own mind and get safe by having him removed and divorced ASAP.

Why do you keep giving the children to him?

I keep giving the children to him in the hopes it is keeping it as normal as can be for them.

It is also his birthday today so there's that.

Today I just feel really sad and guilty. It’s like a little (shit!) merry-go-round of ‘im so sad/ I’ve broken up my family/ I’m so guilty’ to ‘its good I did this/ it will be ok/ at least we are not walking on eggshells 24/7 any more’
It’s confusing 🤪

Also really depressed at facing another 18 years of communicating with him. Might as well have stayed.

Keep going in the right direction, of course you will have doubt and confusion, but don’t waiver, there will be light at the end of this tunnel, narcs fuck with our heads and turn everything upside down, stay connected to the people who love you and want the best for you, don’t give up, a better life is waiting for you and your DCs

Please stay strong OP, your children need you. I say this as a former child of a dysfunctional home.

One day you will look back on this and wonder how you let him shackle you. Women are socialised to be 'reasonable' and accommodating... That is also what you are struggling against, so please, please don't let these feelings allow you to slip back into his clutches.

They've come back for a couple of hours pre his birthday celebration this afternoon, and I feel miserable.

He's doing things he has never done before without me organising/ doing.

He's done an Easter egg hunt and taken them to a popular local attraction he would never let me take them due to expense and 'spoiling' them. Then off to their favourite place for birthday dinner- usually completely on his terms and not kid friendly.

I feel like he's aiming to 'win' them, both by getting them to say how great he is but also by getting the mediator/ courts to see he is hands-on.

I've been in such a weird state for the past week and was pleased I'd managed to get them a little Easter gift but nothing on him.

OK you are doing so well, keep strong for the kids.

So glad you have good friends on your side & ScaryFucker Brother sounds just what you need to support you.
As soon as he is with you, get the police to evict him ( has the lawyer done the call yet?), get his visa revoked & get you & the kids back into your home & a new life.

You can do this!! 💗

Yep he is playing them and you, he'll demonstrate he is main carer and so on.

You need to stay away from him and not let him have these opportunities, narcissistically will stop at nothing to get what they want which is you providing him an easy life.