How do you actually divorce a Narcissist?

[mynamechangemyrules]

I am a long time (5+yrs ) lurker in these pages and the advice has helped me in many ways to survive and understand my situation.

I have name changed as some friends know my user name.

I need specific answers as to how to actually 'do the deed' and tell my husband that I want a divorce.

Summary if you want background:
A short summary is my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and to my children. It even feels 'bad' writing that down. But the evidence is right before my eyes.

To me: are you stupid or lazy? I can't work it out? I'm not happy with my children's mother being a fat ugly woman who looks 20 years older than she is, it's disgusting. You disgust me. (FWIW I'm UK 12 and my besties would say I'm alright for 40 ) And all day every day: why are you eating/ doing/ saying that? Questioning questioning and 'retaliating' to simple statements. Me:'I had a tough day at work' H:'Have you finished moaning because i was watching tv' etc etc etc. Honestly that's not even an hour's worth.

'I know you accept mediocrity but I don't. Imagine if our kids ended up like you, fucks sake'

To the DCs (7/5/1): What the fuck is wrong with you? You know you're weird right? All the kids at school will laugh and call you stinky kid (he hates to clean his teeth, he hears this every day) Get this kid away from me I can't fucking bear him. Why do you do that? Are you stupid? Well you must be stupid because you don't listen to what I say.

Pins DC1 up against walls/ floor. Locks DCs 1&2 our of the house.

This is awful. This much I know. For reference I work in education. I know this is bad but my normal has just shifted slightly every time it escalates.

So after the most recent 'major event' (I disagreed on a timing question. He dragged DC1 upstairs by one arm, he told me I disgusted him, he told me we were not allowed to leave the house. He told me if I did he would call the police. Obv I realise they would've told him to fuck off but in the moment my brain doesn't work like that.)
I have been to a lawyer. We live overseas and I have clarified that I am in a strong position:
I work, he doesn't, (he is NOT a SAHD- he is 'job hunting', (he has a lucrative career so doesn't need to work all year) he does nothing with them, we have full time childcarer who has known them all from birth. I come home from work and do dinner bath bed while he watches tv or reads the iPad)
His visa rests on my job
I have plenty of financial security of my own (although he 'manages' it all so I'd have to change passwords etc on accounts)

I have told more people in RL about the situation as if to 'prep' them... They were all like 'of course we'd noticed, he's a knob' which was somehow reassuring.

So... technically I am 'ready'.

But how do I even begin?

Despite all above I think he has very little understanding of where we are with this. As everything is brought back to him all the time- eg 'It ruins my night if I have to physically restrain DC1, I just get so upset' rather than how DC1 is feeling- that I think he would be blown away if I just come out and say I want a divorce.

Do I go straight for that?

Do I book counselling? (Such a thing here would be upwards of £200 a session and hard to find someone of a cultural 'match')

How do I say it?

Should I get the kids out for the day?

How do I time it with basic 'family' events coming up? (Holidays/ special days etc?)

Sorry for the ramble and multiple questions but the gist is HOW????

I'd missed the bit about the house not being joint? you must get legal advice first thing - BTW I wonder what the time difference is, it may be "first thing" already there?

You've done the first step OP, now you have to follow through though. Assume the worst in every action he takes, and be assertive as fuck.

Don't give him an inch. When you and your DCs are settled, then you do mediation. Not now!! He's a bully, he's an abuser. You having the audacity to get a divorce means he will have to try to destroy, humiliate and subjugate you to restore the right order of his life ie him on top

So be tough, get angry. Get him out of your YOUR house.

cancel his visa - that's what the guys do to their wives who leave them - you have to be very hard hearted - you don't need to enable an abuser to be near his kids - better he's far away

Bloody hell. I especially like the concern for the children not being in uniform......because he refuses to hand the uniforms over. I understand you’re trying to avoid conflict, but the house is in your name, and you are paying. Either give notice on the lease, or try to find a way to get back in and him out. You are keeping calm, and rational. His messages are obviously designed to make you blow. ‘Sounds’ reasonable whilst obviously being designed to make you sound unhinged. Well done. Stay strong, and get rid of him. You choose how this goes, not him.

Call the police and notify he is stealing from joint accounts It needs two signatures hence he must have forged your.

Well done on leaving the nasty manipulative lying bastard

Again a huge thanks for the messages. They are keeping me focused and helping me not think 'holy crap I've just gone mad'.

It sounds wet written down but today was getting to school and meeting the counsellor for my individual session, together with 'sorting' work so I could miss the afternoon today and all of tomorrow.

So, tomorrow the lawyers are calling him. He will be asked to a) leave the property peacefully or b) leave with police 'assistance' or c) I cancel his dependent's visa and he leaves the country within 30 days.

In the intervening time, I am staying with my friend. My reason being, this does not fuel his narrative- it was in the shared online diary that we would be there Saturday all day- when the deadline passed and he hadn't left the property we simply stayed and I haven't moved the children around, just stayed in one place and he knows where it is and who the people are.

But any advice about how to avoid this being used as ammunition would be great.

Thank you all so much

Aaarggh he's turned up at DS1's sport session and is being civil to me and accepted when I said DS1 would not eat here but would be heading straight home with me. It makes me look mad that I'm not returning to the house because when he's in public he's so polite. Well 70% of the time.

I agree with midsummer, he stole from your joint accounts as soon as you left him. Report this! You have done amazingly well but he is clearly a very manipulative bastard and you need to be super careful. Do whatever you can to get him out of that house, and even if he does still cancel his visa..

Good luck tomorrow, just ignore his acting pleasant in public. You are doing the best for your chindrens sake, to avoid him messing them up any further

Good luck OP. You will be able to get 50% of the joint account money back in the divorce but I don't think its technically theft atm.

Oh dear OP this is a living nightmare for you.
Him being physically and emotionally abusive to the DCs is really really bad.
You have done nothing wrong here and staying with your friend is keeping the children safe and yourself safe as possible.
I hope you can manage to get him out of the house... even better out of the country.
Typical public persona of a abusive partner/spouse. Pretending to be civil and nice.
Try not to engage too much with him at all.
I would take it a step at a time...get him out the house first.
Then give yourself some breathing space. Try and get some strength back and hopefully in the meantime the evil nasty piece of work will end up being turfed out the country.

I think I'm too tired for this all.
Had mediation today and he was full of legal jargon and his patronising poor you voice and just ran rings round me.
He took the baby and the car to pick up his parents. Dropped baby off 1hr late and drove off with car.
Expects me and children to move back in tomorrow. I 'must accept that anything less is destroying them'.
I'm.so.tired.
Literally yawn every time I talk.

Stay strong your doing so well. Think of how much better your children’s childhoods will be without him there.

THat is why the advice is not to have joint counselling with an abusive partner. Has your lawyer implemented his choices. I think they should put it in writing too not just a phone call.

Good luck.

It’s knackering, but you are doing fantastically well. He is a thief, a liar, abusive, and manipulative so you’ve got a skilled and tough opponent but we already know you can run rings round him.

Divorce is like childbirth - messy, painful, gruelling; but you can’t stop it once you’re on track and the long term gain is sooooooooo worth the short term pain.

Now I'm evaluating quickly how I've reacted, if I've over reacted.
How many times should he have done things/ said things for it to be too much?
Should I have booked him into counselling before saying I'm going (he's saying 'I haven't tried enough' before 'running away from the problem')

We have a mediation session in a few hours to try to resolve where we should be living and he will say Jess things again I believe.

Being advised to have mediation or counselling sessions with an abusive H is an absolute no no.
He will suck the life right out of you.
Being forced to engage with him is allowing the emotional abuse to carry on.
You need to stop with the mediation and go for the 3rd option and get his visa revoked.

Do not try to negotiate with such a person.
It delays everything because they lie and manipulate.
Do not communicate if at all possible unless it's traceable.
My ex got an order preventing me from going in my house for 18 months. By lying.
Do not talk to this man if you can help it.

But what do I actually say in 2 hrs since it's booked?

I want to get back in the house with the kids and he is refusing to leave, so:

-Move back in with him there- he's saying he won't 'speak' to me except for logistical details.

-Stay out of the home at a friends despite him painting this as breach of parental rights (no such thing in the courts here- parents have obligations to their children not rights because of being a parent)
He will be furious at the second one and make every day hell.

Call the police and get him out.
He’s not suffering, your kids are.
Cancel his fucking Visa.
He pins your 7 year old to the wall/floor and locks the younger ones out of the house!

He’s negligent and abusive.
I bet the kids are already relaxed!

What you are doing now affects them for the rest of their lives. Same goes for what he is doing.

He tells them they fucking smell etc.
This will have such a negative impact on their mental health.

Get out op.
You can do So much better without this deadbeat around your neck.

Please, do it for your children, if not for yourself. I assume that you work for a multinational company? Speak to HR and get them to cancel his visa.
This abusive bully is so arrogant he is just cutting & pasting shit - he thinks he is it!
You should have had a locksmith change the locks while he was at the airport and booked him a hotel with his parents. If the opportunity comes again - use it.

Please don't let him grind you down and more than that, please make sure your children are brought up in a loving, caring environment.

Keep hold of your anger, OP.

Get that visa of his cancelled and kick the fucker out. He's a disgrace.

I would have advised you to read a statement that he is abusive, list of abuse towards the children and he can either leave the house peacefully or the police will be removing him. That mediation/counselling is not happening again because he is using that to be abusive too.

I hope it went ok and I really hope the police have turfed him out for you

Oh and cancel his visa!

I've not read the whole thread but try answer to your original question is;

Very very carefully.

Freedom programme helps

Carefully planning exit route helps

Securing money, passports, birth certificates, driving license, insurance documents, tenancy agreements, cash, medical info.

All the things you would need to start up again somewhere.

The realisation that in his eyes you will always be in the wrong. ALWAYS.
If you are looking for reasonable behaviour, or maybe waiting for him to ask what he did wrong. There will be none.

He will never approve of anything you do or did.

The moment I accepted this as fact made the whole process much easier. Treat it like a professional transaction. Be correct, polite, clear and firm. Protect the children from him. Do not look back.

If your solicitor wants you to go to court, do it immediately.

Definitely no mediation, it will be all turned on you.

Write down all the things that make you want to hide, made you so sad, made you question your sanity. The freedom programme will help with this. Then refer back to them when you feel weak.

I wish I'd done things differently. I thought that I should get out with the children and then had a moral obligation to preserve relationships and do the majority of the work to help him cope etc etc.

All I did was delay, causing mental health issues with my children as he turned his behaviour on to them once I'd gone (during his 50/50 access as it was his right).

Children first, and don't be listening to all 'his rights', I did and I believed the threats. I am slowly mending damaged children who were frightened when with him. Only now are they recovering many years on. Mostly no contact through their choice.

I wish you strength, hope and perseverance.