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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:

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UnRavellingFast · 02/04/2018 22:01

Hi @Grammarist sorry to hear that. I've been there too and it's awful. The smallest things setting them off etc. Bloody idiots then moan and whine when we dump them. Someone I know described it as 'emotional vampire' as they dump all their feelings and shit temper into us without any filter and then feel much better themselves. When we eventually have had enough they can't take it because they are totally dependent on us being their extra limb that they dump all their crap into. Our responses make it very difficult to leave because we're reset from self care to being attuned to them and mopping up their emotional crap.

Anyway it still makes me angry. As you can see! Financially it is difficult of course but I kept saying to myself 'no price is too high'. It was the one phrase that makes him stop as well. My first step was the freedom programme. The more your head is clear of their kind of cult-programming the more you will be able to think and plan effectively. One baby step at a time. support to you.

UnRavellingFast · 02/04/2018 22:02

Ps do you have dcs?

monalisa21 · 02/04/2018 22:48

Hello Grammarist. Your situation seems the same as mine. The first time I went to see a solicitor was 2 y ago. Spent over £1400 by now, but have gone nowhere with the divorce as he has been manipulating me emotionally, playing games and I backed out every time. I have nowhere to go, no family. I keep feeling guilty that I want to split the family that I will leave him in a v difficult situation (he hasn't been working for 3 years now). There is no way he is going anywhere. It has taken me 2 years to finally get some sense and feel a bit stronger. It is only when I showed him that I wasn't scared of him, that I have no hesitation on calling the police/ social services when he next time puts me on the emotional rollercoaster when threatening to commit a suicide. Haven't said that every week I have another excuse not to have a serious convers with him: either kids are at home, it is somones birthday, then half term etc. It is very true the advice given here: take baby steps, Focus on positives, focus on one step at a time. Originally I was thinking about all the things I would have to face at the same time and the fear was just crushing me down. A friend suggested seeing a financial advicer re re mortgaging etc- I am seeing one soon and hope that it will give me some clarity re my finances. Don't waste 2 years like me.

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 11:13

Need to vent please!! How can you explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it that someone who appears so lovely, and a poor victim, is actually in control of all situations and manipulating everything to suit himself?

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 11:15

I am so so sick of it all. It's exhausting. I am just trying to focus on the life after this, but it's so hard. If anything it feels worse now and that he is going to turn everyone against me. I will be the crazy cat lady

Vanillarose · 03/04/2018 12:09

@helpnow1 No advice but just some solidarity - exactly the same boat here. You just want them to work with you and not against you but it never happens.

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 15:01

@Vanillarose thank you xx Unbelievable situation isn't it - the person who you should most be able to turn to for advice/comfort is the one causing the problems! Only good thing I can say about it is, it all confirms again and again that I am not making the wrong decision to split up 😏

UnRavellingFast · 03/04/2018 18:13

Yes that's the one sorry positive they give us- confirming we're doing the right thing by not being able to stop themselves from being arseholes every time the conditioned me feels anxiously guilty or sad for him he trips up by shitting on something tiny like how I load the dishwasher (if I visit have coffee and pop mug in it's 'wrong'!) so their fuckwittery is our weird safety net! It's a tiny bit satisfying in those terms! I have actually said 'thank you' sometimes after nasty outburst when still living together. It shut him up but enraged him.

Borris · 03/04/2018 18:29

Same here. He had a go at me for packing some clothes for dd when I went round to Collect her (they're all still at his as I haven't officially moved out yet) as apparently it's unsettling and we should be in and out quickly. Well yes I'd like to minimise my time there as much as possible ..... so why not pack her some clothes when you knew very well what time I was coming round

In the end we went out and bought several new outfits... which id deliberately not done as I thought I'd be accused of trying to buy her affection.

The thing is you can't win when the rules keep changing

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 18:48

Watching DS outside with his dog is cheering me up! Also an amazing rainbow just now x

UnRavellingFast · 03/04/2018 19:04

How lovely ds ddog and rainbow.

iamthrough · 03/04/2018 21:24

Aah yes... the playing the victim game. Very familiar with that one. Agree with you @unravellingfast every time it happens I think to myself... yep I'm doing the right thing! @grammarist I don't have any specific advice but just to 2nd what's already been said take one step at a time. Tell a trusted friend you may be surprised where your support comes from. Good luck.

DrMumMum · 03/04/2018 21:27

I think I'm about to join this club; I just need to pluck up the courage to finally say something. I'm nearly there I can feel it.

I never expected to be in this position, like all of us I guess. I'm just trying to focus on how I will feel when it's all over.

Good luck everyone.

Grammarist · 03/04/2018 21:47

Thank you everyone who mentioned me. Yes - we have dc's. Wish I'd realised before. I know that sounds awful, but it's so difficult as he's already playing games with them to get to me and I hate it. I love my children with all my heart but I wish they weren't in this situation with me. It's very difficult.

I actually think my DH might have done kind of issue as he can be so lovely one minute and then be ranting/raving/nasty the next.

I'm done with it. But I'm so stuck. Nowhere to go; no one nearby and no funds.

I'm going to make an appointment to see a solicitor, I think, so I can at least figure out where I might stand if I do decide that I can't keep doing this.

mammymammyIRL · 03/04/2018 22:17

@Grammarist google cycle of abuse

@DrMumMum welcome aboard, no one wanted to be in this position but it's our reality

@Borris when does he expect you to pack her clothes so?

@Helpnow1 hope you're feeling better than this morning.

I made enquiries about another house today, it's not remotely like what I'd been thinking about up to now but it's cheap, meets our needs perfectly and is ready to move into. Small matter of selling our own first/coming to an agreement about it.

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 23:14

Thanks @mammymammyIRL yes, I'm feeling a bit better this evening, mainly thanks to spending time with DCs and pets x hope you're okay x

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 23:16

@DrMumMum yes, trying to focus on the final outcome helps, as does taking each step at a time rather than overthinking the whole process (I would love to switch my mind off quite often) x

Borris · 03/04/2018 23:17

You know what mammy my new rental is on paper a massive 'demotion ' from the marital home. But you know what? It's clean. It's tidy. It's got matching things that I've chosen and it feels like home

Borris · 03/04/2018 23:18

Although I did have a wobble tonight. A real what have you done moment. Have you thrown away your and dds happiness away for nothing

Helpnow1 · 03/04/2018 23:35

@Borris Your new home sounds lovely. I can't wait to be at that stage! I too had a big wobble today, felt like I'd thrown DS under the bus. And that my life had all come crashing down. But my only other option was to let the awfulness go on and on and on...

mammymammyIRL · 04/04/2018 00:02

@Borris I hope that my post wasn't insulting to anyone, it wasn't intended to be. I've just always lived in the country other than when attending college and briefly when I first moved in with H. The house I considered is a semi d in a holiday village, cheap price but management fees are quite substantial I don't know if they're worth it, everything in the house is ready to walk into and just make up the beds!
The first house I keep coming back to is compact & cosy & would be my own little patch, I even considered laying artificial grass on a patch of it. I fantasise about this house!

UnRavellingFast · 04/04/2018 02:38

@Grammarist
I actually think my DH might have done kind of issue as he can be so lovely one minute and then be ranting/raving/nasty the next.

Sadly what @mammymammyIRL said: this is the cycle of abuse. None of them are horrible all the time or we wouldn't stay. It's the 'thousand paper cuts' that wears us down until we don't realise we are victims of ea, then we do realise it and can hardly believe it.

Freedom in a smaller place is riches beyond measure imo.

UnRavellingFast · 04/04/2018 10:07

Anyone got recommendations of how best to access counselling, ie through doctor workplace or college? If you have any experience of that?

DrMumMum · 04/04/2018 14:01

A quick update on my situation. I told him today. I don't think he was shocked. Obviously it's all my fault. Well it would be. Feeling catastrophic at the moment but I'm taking inspiration from this thread. It will get better.

Helpnow1 · 04/04/2018 19:13

DrMumMum you've done probably the hardest part. Hope you've got a friend to talk to (in real life) - it helps so much. So does venting on here!!

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