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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
UnRavellingFast · 30/03/2018 09:22

@Onlymeeeeee @Borris that's great that things are moving and changing. Such a relief when the limbo starts to move. @Helpnow1 it is tough isn't it. Mine won't move or consider there is a reason to either. I'm coping sometimes but not always. I nearly posted last night saying I was feeling suicidal but I knew I just needed a new morning to feel a bit better. It's ups and extreme downs atm I guess this will pass too. My dcs are acting up too and I'm not always responding in the way I want to :-(

Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 12:39

UnRavellingFast I hope you're feeling better this morning. I totally get your feelings, I'm exactly the same. I think I now actually feel worse after any argument with H - maybe because I feel like I am going towards escaping but actually it's so far away? plus I see exactly what he's doing now but it's SO hard to keep steering the conversation back to the point and not get so frustrated that I lose my calmness. We've had a "discussion" (argument of course, they are never anything else with him) this morning after which I feel like chewed string. He will not agree to setting a reasonable timeline for him to aim at for a) him moving out and b) him moving his business out - it's based at home. I would have preferred him just to say so straight away but of course not 😩

Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 12:40

Btw can someone please tell me how to do that bold @'name' thing - I copy and paste but that's not it, is it?

Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 12:41

Feeling a little better after going outdoors to do animal jobs, but felt like screaming earlier Angry

Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 12:45

mammymammyIRL any news of new baby nephew/niece yet? Hope your embroidery will be ready in time! x

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 30/03/2018 16:09

Type @helpnow1 and it bolds and tags them... Literally what you posted "@ username" with no spaces

OP posts:
Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 16:20

Thanks @Onlymeeeeee ! Oh yes, it works!

UnRavellingFast · 30/03/2018 18:53

@Helpnow1 yes to chewing string excellent description!! Being outside and especially with animals 😍is very therapeutic isn't it.

Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 19:13

@UnRavellingFast yes, I think that's kept me sane (my animals' cursing vocabulary has been increased recently - good job they don't speak human!!)

mammymammyIRL · 30/03/2018 23:02

@Helpnow1 no sign yet but cross stitch only 75% complete yet so there's no hurry little one 

@Borris that's fabulous about your new house Smile

H is still acting like none of this is happening Shock

I text him today to find out if he had plans for sun and mon this weekend with dc. There's a local family event on sun so I knew that this would be of interest. He said he had no plans so then I asked if he was planning on taking dc with him next weekend when he visits family he said yes if it was ok with me I said it was. Then he asks me if I would like to go to fun day! I replied that I wasn't bothered but if he wanted to bring dc he could & that it's probably time we divided our time with dc going forward. He replied OK

I'll have to bring it up again won't I?

Helpnow1 · 30/03/2018 23:41

@mammymammyIRL it's good the baby hasn't arrived yet then! Sorry to hear about your recent difficulty with H. I haven't raised the subject of doing things separately yet - it's difficult whilst still living in the same house and I know he will behave as though I'm being nasty, even though he happily took DS off for the afternoon today. My mum and dad have invited us over on Monday and I'd like to go with just the DCs but I think it will seem too mean, I probably won't in the end.

mammymammyIRL · 31/03/2018 06:34

@Helpnow1 I hope for dsil's sake baby isn't waiting for me to finish it to come or she'll be waiting Grin
I suppose I feel if we start doing things separately it prepares the children a little without a big shock to the system plus I'm doing ok with pretending at dinner and in the evenings but I don't want to spend my time off work in his company playing happy families.
Will you not go see parents at all or all go together?

Helpnow1 · 31/03/2018 08:26

@mammymammyIRL we'll probably all go. I just don't really want him to be there!

mammymammyIRL · 31/03/2018 09:52

Do your parents know?
I'm hoping baby has arrived by next weekend & I will go see them when dc are away with H

mammymammyIRL · 31/03/2018 09:53

Do your parents know? Will you have to pretend things are ok in front of them?
I'm hoping baby has arrived by next weekend & I will go see them when dc are away with H

Helpnow1 · 31/03/2018 11:36

@mammymammyIRL yes, it would be lovely if you could have a weekend with the new baby and it will also help you feel a bit less strange about the DCs being away, maybe?

My parents do know but it still feels a bit of a fake atmosphere to me, like playing happy families.

mammymammyIRL · 01/04/2018 13:33

Help it definitely would I'll be meeting them the following weekend anyhow.

I took off my rings yesterday as I was doing a run and my hands swell when I run & gave them to dm, I realised last night I never looked for them back, maybe I won't wear them anymore.

Dm asked to stay overnight wed night & wondered if it would be ok, I said yes either me and her share my bed or I'll go in with dc.

H has taken them to family fun day. He murmured something about having to get a car. He currently has a van & au pair is insured under his name on my old car.

He bought me a huge Easter egg, I'm in process of losing weight Hmm given via dc. I had a spare one from 3 for €5, had no plans who to give it to, dc can give that one to him for their sakes

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes
Borris · 01/04/2018 22:56

I've taken my rings off too. Sounds cheesy but feels very liberating.
I've given stbxh a suggested rota for the next few months with dd. Not even an acknowledgement from him. And this was all because he claimed he had no idea what was happening

mammymammyIRL · 01/04/2018 23:21

Borris but with no acknowledgement you don't know if he'll comply or not?

Borris · 02/04/2018 00:45

I know. 🙄😬. I'm going to have to send another message asking what he thinks. It was sooo fair though. He's actually got a few more days than me thanks to a 8d holiday he's taking her on. I'm sure he'll still have something to say.

mammymammyIRL · 02/04/2018 04:26

We've a non refundable holiday booked in July, dc need passports for it.
I don't care which of us goes once it doesn't go to waste. He said in last outburst I'd have to pay him half the money & he'd take dc somewhere as he has the week off work, I'm already paying half the holiday so why I'd pay him half again baffles me Hmm and I also have week off work, mines easily changed though.

I raised the fact we should discuss dividing time off with dc and he replied ok to that text, going to have to bring it up again.

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 02/04/2018 07:30

Oh gosh, dividing time with dc, we took over 50 texts to sort out one evening last week.
The advice I've been given is to just let him approach me but 20 years of organising everything is hard to let go of.

OP posts:
mammymammyIRL · 02/04/2018 07:34

Onlymeee he's being extremely cooperative with dc right now so best chance!

Borris · 02/04/2018 10:28

@onlymeeee that's interesting about letting him do the organising. He just kept saying to me that I wasn't telling him enough. Hence my idea to write the next few months out. I suppose if I didn't then I was worried of him suggesting something really one sided

Grammarist · 02/04/2018 21:41

Any advice for someone who is wanting out? DH is very verbally abusive and I've had enough. But I have nowhere to go; not enough money to rent elsewhere and I know he won't leave. I feel very trapped.